Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Man goes in to a bar, sits down and orders a double whisky, which he drinks in one go. He asks the barman for another double, which he necks again. This goes on for another 3 shots.
The barman asks "What's the occasion?" "My first blowjob" says the man. "Congratulations" says the barman, here have another double on the house.
"No thanks" says the man, "if the first 5 didn't take the taste away, I don't think another will make a difference".
The barman asks "What's the occasion?" "My first blowjob" says the man. "Congratulations" says the barman, here have another double on the house.
"No thanks" says the man, "if the first 5 didn't take the taste away, I don't think another will make a difference".
Here's an oldie I found in my email archive.
Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Doner Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this car park or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Doner Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this car park or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
A guy goes into the pub and orders a bottle whiskey and downs half of it it one go .
The barkeeper asked ,got troubles mate ?
Yeah says the guy no1 son has just told me he's gay .
He finishes the bottle and staggers out.
Three months later he's back and has another bottle of whiskey ,downs half and tels the barkeeper its no2 son who's just informed him he is also gay,he finishes the bottle and staggers out .
A futher six months later he is back again and asks for another bottle of whiskey .
The barkeeper says ,does nobody in your family fancy women ?
Yes ! Says the guy, My wife !!
The barkeeper asked ,got troubles mate ?
Yeah says the guy no1 son has just told me he's gay .
He finishes the bottle and staggers out.
Three months later he's back and has another bottle of whiskey ,downs half and tels the barkeeper its no2 son who's just informed him he is also gay,he finishes the bottle and staggers out .
A futher six months later he is back again and asks for another bottle of whiskey .
The barkeeper says ,does nobody in your family fancy women ?
Yes ! Says the guy, My wife !!
MartG said:
TheEnd said:
MartG said:
An Irish bloke visits the doctors complaining of hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms?" asked the doctor
"Yes of course....." he replied
"Marge has got big blue hair and Homer is a bald drunken yellow b
d!!..
riight.. "Can you describe the symptoms?" asked the doctor
"Yes of course....." he replied
"Marge has got big blue hair and Homer is a bald drunken yellow b
d!!..General Price said:
Bob Geldof says he'll open his home to four refugee families.....
With his parenting record,I think I'd rather risk a dinghy with forty others.
The UN have warned that Syria is within 40 days of Bono releasing a charity single. Haven't the poor buggers suffered enough already?With his parenting record,I think I'd rather risk a dinghy with forty others.
My own social media
SIR: I haven't got a computer, but I was told about Facebook and Twitter and am trying to make friends outside Facebook and Twitter while applying the same techniques.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel and what I have done the night before and what I will do for the rest of the day. I give them pictures of my wife, my daughter, my dog and me gardening and on holiday, spending time by the pool. I also listen to their conversations, tell them I ‘like’ them and give them my opinion on every subject that interests me... whether it interests them or not.
And it works. I have four people following me; two police officers, a social worker and a psychiatrist.
– Peter White, Holbrook, Derbyshire
SIR: I haven't got a computer, but I was told about Facebook and Twitter and am trying to make friends outside Facebook and Twitter while applying the same techniques.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel and what I have done the night before and what I will do for the rest of the day. I give them pictures of my wife, my daughter, my dog and me gardening and on holiday, spending time by the pool. I also listen to their conversations, tell them I ‘like’ them and give them my opinion on every subject that interests me... whether it interests them or not.
And it works. I have four people following me; two police officers, a social worker and a psychiatrist.
– Peter White, Holbrook, Derbyshire
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