Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
XJSJohn said:
LordHaveMurci said:
Convert said:
If you're going to the Rotherham show this weekend just remember the grooming display has nothing to do with animals...
it usually involves a taxi
it usually involves a taxi
CJ De Mooi is from Rotherham. He sort of confessed to killing someone this week....
Laurel Green said:
That's the last time I buy a dog from a blacksmith - the minute I got him home he made a bolt for the door!
Judge to the accused, "and what is your profession??""i'm a locksmith" replies the accused.
"And can you explain to the court what you were doing in the jewelers at 2am?" asks the judge.
"Making a bolt for the door ....."
I used to be in a band called The Prevention - we were much better than The Cure.
The next one was called Cellophane - we were wrappers.
Free Beer made some pretty good music, but our pub gigs were never very successful, landlords weren't keen on putting our posters up.
Finally we formed Missing Cat - you'll have seen our posters on lamposts everywhere.
The next one was called Cellophane - we were wrappers.
Free Beer made some pretty good music, but our pub gigs were never very successful, landlords weren't keen on putting our posters up.
Finally we formed Missing Cat - you'll have seen our posters on lamposts everywhere.
2Btoo said:
I'm slightly disappointed by the lack of Jeremy Corbin jokes on here. If anyone has some good ones then do post them up ...
Corbin is strolling through Hampstead Heath when comes across a golden lantern. He picks it up, rubs it and out pops a Gene"I am the master of all you desire and for freeing me, I grant you one wish"
"I would like to understand women" says JC
"I am sorry" says the Gene; "but even with all my might, even I cannot unravel the deep mysteries that lie within woman for they will ever be sacred and complex. Please choose another wish"
"OK - I would like to take Labour to win the next election' says JC.
The gene thinks and responds"
"What was the first one again?"
Well well, who died and made YOU queen? Oh, George VI. Sorry Ma’am.
“One...One...One....One...” The Queen, sound checking for her milestone speech.
“Yo, I’m Tony your ‘life coach’. You alive?
“Yeah.”
“OK. Keep it up dude. We’ll talk again next week.”
I really hate passive-aggressive people. And I think SOMEONE knows who I’m talking about...
My boss thinks one of us isn’t taking this meeting seriously.
It could be Lee from IT, Rob from HR or Jim my sock puppet. (I think it’s Rob).
I’ve just found a strange looking mole on my chest. I wish the bloody cat would stop doing that.
“Business is terrible, but let’s keep things in perspective: nobody died.” – Bankrupt funeral director
I did try walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. Crap advice, they fired me from the bowling alley.
Some guy has dug a huge pit to trap donkeys. What a massive ass hole.
My friend has just told me that he wants to play leapfrog on his own. He needs to get over himself.
I can’t get to grips with the notion of dessert. To me it’s a non-starter.
Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. It goes in the recycling.
I’m often asked what makes a good tongue-twister. Well, it’s hard to say.
The tattoo artiste said I had a very coarse epidermis, which didn’t upset me, I’m very thick skinned about stuff like that.
My mum always laughed in the face of adversity until she lost her job as a grief counsellor.
I know a pirate captain who keeps a baby eel in his thermal underwear. That’s long johns elver.
“I think it’s going to rain, the cows are all lying down.”
“You’ve never worked in an abattoir before, have you?”
I don’t like that band name ‘Little Mix’. It’s a bit racist. I prefer the term ‘leprechauns’.
“Life is like a box of hollyhocks.” – Florist Gump
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Eastern wisdom tells us that it’s healthy to have some Ying and Yang in our lives but most homes don’t have room for bloody Pandas.
I dropped a tub of guacamole on the grass last weekend. I’ve fixed up most of the lawn but there’s still a slight dip.
My grandad was highly decorated in World War Two.....in fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.
I’ve been revising for my practical exam on pest control. I was up all night swatting.
Masseuse, (closing book): “...and they all lived happily ever after.”
Customer: “I asked for a happy ending. - you taking the pіѕѕ?”
The original name for ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ – ‘Butter, My Arѕе’ was rejected due to problems with missing punctuation.
Art collectors – I am selling an ORIGINAL piece of artwork by Titian.
Well, it’s a pen drawing of a Dalek by my mate Ian, who’s a tіt.
Innuendo tweets are never that popular, but I occasionally try to slip one in.
Old rock stars were great kidders. In the 60’s, Keith Richards used to run into Marianne Faithful’s bedroom and take the Mick out of her.
Her dating profile says she’s a homeless romantic. I assume that’s a typo for hopeless. Anyway, I’m meeting her near the bins behind Asda.
It’s as simple as this,- we all have a cleft between our buttocks. That’s the bottom line.
FOR SALE: Stringless tennis racket. £7. No returns.
“That’s disgusting!” said my doctor after I told him how I feel sick. I know he’s right but I just love the texture of it on my fingers.
My therapist said I might be bipolar but I swear I didn’t sleep with that daddy bear.
I just bought a house with period features, although I have to say she HATES that as a nickname.
If you don’t enjoy the subtlety and nuance of reasoned, respectful debate, you can just fúсk off.
Before she became Madonna, Madonna was a right pre-Madonna.
How do KFC get their popcorn chicken so shiny?
They use kernel sanders.
I tried dog curry when I visited Korea. It gave me the sits.
If you pick up a shell and hold it to your ear, you can hear the sound of a ballistics expert shouting at you for contaminating evidence.
Welcome to Innuendo club. Anyone who missed last week, I’ll fill you in later.
My New Year’s resolution: - Get better at doing topical tweets.
I’m pleased to announce that after 25 years of regular payments, I finally own my bottle of HP sauce.
I bought Tony Christie’s old sat nav. Fúсkіng useless, it’s stuck on one destination.
Make green salad so much more interesting by squeezing over a little lemon juice. Then stir fry in butter, cover in chocolate and serve.
I’m not a huge fan of biology, but there will always be a special place in my heart for pumping blood to organs and muscles.
My dad has started dressing up as a maternity nurse. Must be having some sort of mid-wife crisis.
“My final wish, oh genie, is that you hand over to me your gay boyfriend in Special Ops.”
“Master, your wish is my commando.”
I’ve been arrested for gross indecency. 144 times.
Is Game of Thrones suitable to watch with my parents, with all the sex going on? Or should I just ignore their antics and watch the programme?
My mum can remember Dad’s marriage proposal like it was yesterday...
“Bloody hell, you said you were on the pill!”
“How much for the condom 5 pack?”
“Sir, that’s a rubber glove.”
“Yeah, whatever. How much?”
“SHUSH COWS” – The Secret Dairy of Anne Frank.
“My wife’s kicked me out after I got drunk and upset her in bed.”
“Bummer...”
“No, I just started an argument!”
Yesterday I fell over a hundred feet. I’m OK, I just tripped over a centipede.
There’s something particularly sleazy about a middle-aged man licking his lips whilst leering at a nice pair of boobs ....apparently.
The most ambitious and dangerous bestial porn film I’ve ever seen is probably ‘Enter the Dragon’.
I tried comfort eating. Horrible, metallic taste. - Lenor, on the other hand, is actually quite nice.
I know you’re still angry I took a dump in your baseball cap, but surely by now we can bury the hat-shít.
If you think you’re developing an addiction to aquatic vegetables, sea kelp.
“I HAVE A BREAM” – Martin Luther Kingfisher
I just fаrtеd and told my girlfriend it was the dog. Then I remembered I don’t have a dog......or a girlfriend.....I’m so lonely.
Yet again there’s another hole in my trouser pocket. No change there then.
What if you counted your blessings and found one missing! You’d just feel worse, wouldn’t you? Fúсkіng stupid saying.
Twelvety-one plus threeteen equals eleventy-seven.
I’ll be honest, I’m not a real maths teacher. I’m just here to make up the numbers.
When my girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
“Is it correct to say ‘octopuses’ or ‘octopi’?”
“Octopae’?
“Anyway coastguard, my girlfriend is being attacked by more than one octopus.”
Went to my doctor for fitness advice and he told me to do something that gets me out of breath...so I’ve taken up asthma.
Blind date:
“Do you like to drink vodka with the lights out?”
“Yes! How did you know that?”
“Shot in the dark.”
I tried that new Australian dessert but it keeps coming back on me. So much for the Boo Meringue!
It’s true, seagulls are becoming more aggressive. Today, one of them made me sign a direct debit for the RSPB.
If you’re happy and you know it, fuсk off you smug twát.
My girlfriend’s really upset because her pet crab has died. She’s had him since he was a nipper.
Waiting nervously for my Cheerleading A-level results......Come on! Give me an A!...
Meanwhile, if you’re planning to do a degree in Oceanography you need seven Cs.
My son wants me to buy him a Bluetooth headset. I told him he was asking for a clip round the ear.
“Yes I contain an awful lot of numbers but that doesn’t make me more special than any other mathematical constant.” – Humble Pi
Q Why do the French transport snails without their shells?
A Less cargo.
Brandy makes you rаndy.
Gin makes you sin.
Vodka makes you give up on poetry and concentrate on getting blootered.
Mick Jagger’s opened a Chinese restaurant and bakery. I know it’s only wok and roll but I like it.
I sometimes ask myself, “What’s it all about?” Then I remember – the Hokey Cokey! That’s what it’s all about.
I wish the girl I love would stop saying, “Either buy something or get out of my shop you delusional weirdo.”
My wife keeps going on about the time I forgot to organise the Christening of our son....who shall remain nameless.
I used to sell loose potatoes, - until I got the sack.
“Is it a bird?”
“Is it a plane?”
“Look, it’s a Rorschach inkblot test and YOU are supposed to tell ME what it is.”
I’m quite high up in this vampire extermination company. In fact I’m the major stakeholder.
My wife is insisting that I take up boxing and call her Adrian. Our marriage is going through a Rocky patch.
Just got my A level results and I’ve failed to get into Apiarist College. I’ve only got one B.
I ordered some filters for my new fish tank. I still don’t know how they use their fins to roll the cigarettes though.
Welcome to Spanish Car Thieves Club. Please take a SEAT.
Don’t worry if you didn’t get the A-level results you wanted. I failed maths in 2001 and 18 years later, it hasn’t done me any harm.
“I’ve just seen a soldier nearly choke to death on a little sweet corn thingy.”
“Kernel?”
“No, sergeant in the paras.”
Dear The News,
You don’t have to say houses were evacuated due to an UNEXPLODED bomb. If it was an exploded one, we’d know.
Pigeon control in Trafalgar Square is arranged on an add hawk basis.
15 years ago I married my soulmate and best friend. I’m only now being arrested for bigamy.
If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that’s gone horribly wrong, tell me. I’m all ears.
My whiplash injury is definitely on the mend. I had a neck brace fitted last week and I haven’t looked back since.
Mrs Newton: “Why are your clothes lying on the floor, child?”
Isaac: “I can explain that.”
The man who holds the patents for prosthetic limbs is divorcing his wife of 30 years. It’ll cost him an arm and a leg.
I’m just looking through my old computer storage disks. Ah...so many memories.
My late friend had his ashes mixed with resin and formed into a handle for his front door. He always was a bit of a knob.
I’ve created a new starter dish that combines my love of shellfish and small parrots. I hope people enjoy my prawn c*ckatiel.
There now follows a documentary about pеrvеrts who expose themselves in public. This programme contains flashing images.
Although ‘break a leg’ is an appropriate form of encouragement in theatres it’s not at the annual gala of the Osteoporosis Society. Apparently.
I’m not as nostalgic as I used to be. I really miss that.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” is poor consolation to a child when you’ve just hoovered up their gerbil.
Mark Knopfler is giving away his collection of paintings and baby birds. You get a Monet for nothing and/or chicks for free.
When I was convicted of stealing a burrito, I didn’t go to prison. The judge just gave me a wrap on the knuckles.
My burning ambition is to do a flawless impersonation of Sinatra. It’s an obsession of mine, to be perfectly Frank.
My sister just told me that she’s dating a zookeeper. When I asked her what he smells like, she went ape ѕhít.
FACT: If you cut a tree in half and count the rings, you can find out how old it was before you brutally murdered it, you tree killing bástаrd!
If I was given a pound for every time a woman found me unattractive, eventually there'd be a tipping point where women would find me attractive.
I was at the gym when I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to push my finger in. I've now been banned from the gym and she has made a formal complaint about abuse in the workplace.
A Wife comes home early and catches her Husband playing with himself in the kitchen.
She rushes over and gives him the best blow job of his life...
Afterwards he says, "We haven't had Sex for 6 months and suddenly this...Why?..
She says. "I only washed the floor this morning, I'd rather clean my teeth, than get the mop out again!!
A man comes home and sees a note on the fridge from his wife.
She had written "This isn't working. I'm at my mothers."
The man opens the fridge. The light goes on and he says to himself "What the hell? The fridge is working fine."
I just spent half an hour grilling some chicken.
But it still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
What idiot decided to call it ‘Dignitas’ rather than ‘Swiss Finishing School’?
When I told my girlfriend I’d do anything to prove my love, she said give up beer. Long story short, can anyone put me up for a few nights.
If God hadn’t meant snails to fly, He wouldn’t have put them in my back garden.
I’m about to play the fanfare for the festival of innuendo.
Just waiting for someone to give me the horn.
Strange beer to the left of me, cheap biscuits to the right. Here I am, stuck in the Lidl with you.
I’ve just seen the advert for the new Gillette Ball Razor. They need to point out that it can also be used on faces.
Can I ask you all to invest in my American coin-making machine? You know it makes cents.
President Obama: “Africa is on the move!”
Italy / France / UK: “Yeah, tell us about it...”
Suitcase: “Yippee!!”
Holdall: “boohoo, sob...”
Duffel bag: “Well, I’m furious.”
Sorry, I’ve got a lot of emotional baggage to deal with right now.
“You’ve admitted the assault. Are there any mitigating circumstances?”
“The man I hit said YOLO as a word, Your Honour.”
“CASE DISMISSED!”
I’ve finally been honoured for all the time I spend up to my knees in the sea on Blackpool beach. I’ve been made a life pier.
Buzz: “To infinity and beyond!”
Neil: Nah, I think I’ll just stick with “one small step”.
Buzz: “You always were a puѕѕy, Neil.”
OK, let’s see YOU pick a better name for ‘multi-coloured sugar coated chocolate drops underwear’, smartie pants.
This restaurant says it offers a baby changing facility but they refused point blank to swap mine.
I’m quite proud of myself today. I managed to use the word recalcitrant in conversation. As in....”What the hell does recalcitrant mean?”
I just found a pubе and some strange looking bristles in my margarine. I can’t believe it’s not butt hair.
Mo has broken.
r
n
i
n
g
I was in a pub brawl when a bottle of Stella landed on a painful zit on my face. Man, that cold beer really hit the spot!
Hands up if you hate the Queen’s Nazi picture.
Two things just happened:
• I spilled a jumbo size tube of smarties
• My pet chameleon’s gone into cardiac arrest.
My therapist has finally cured me of my compulsion to expose my bum in public. I’m over the moon.
Deafness cost me my Mafia job. Bosses found me stuffing a body into a birdcage. Seems they didn’t want him sleeping with the finches.
The police bursting through my front door made me cut myself shaving. The Inspector said, “You’re nicked son.”
I danced like nobody’s watching. Now I’m acting like nobody’s laughing their аrsе off at me.
People accuse me of being a luggage denier. That’s definitely not the case.
They say if you hold a seashell to your ear you can hear the sea. Well, if you hold a c*ckleshell to your ear you can hear c*ck all.
My embalming class is cancelled tonight due to stiff shortages.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“AN END TO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE RESPONSES!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
“WHATEVER.”
There’s a guarded looking Russian hanging around my hives. I think he’s a cagey bee spy.
I’ve just started an аnаl bleaching business. Give me a ring if you’re interested.
“Faking quotes on Twitter is just getting silly.” – Luke, Chapter 4 Verse 23.
Hecklers Anonymous meeting tonight, 11pm. Bring your own boos.
I was so touched when I won first prize in the Gobstopper Eating Competition, I had a lump in my throat.
I’ve just found a grey pubе. I can deduce two things from this:
1. I’m not brushing my teeth properly
2. I’m letting my standards slip.
“One...One...One....One...” The Queen, sound checking for her milestone speech.
“Yo, I’m Tony your ‘life coach’. You alive?
“Yeah.”
“OK. Keep it up dude. We’ll talk again next week.”
I really hate passive-aggressive people. And I think SOMEONE knows who I’m talking about...
My boss thinks one of us isn’t taking this meeting seriously.
It could be Lee from IT, Rob from HR or Jim my sock puppet. (I think it’s Rob).
I’ve just found a strange looking mole on my chest. I wish the bloody cat would stop doing that.
“Business is terrible, but let’s keep things in perspective: nobody died.” – Bankrupt funeral director
I did try walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. Crap advice, they fired me from the bowling alley.
Some guy has dug a huge pit to trap donkeys. What a massive ass hole.
My friend has just told me that he wants to play leapfrog on his own. He needs to get over himself.
I can’t get to grips with the notion of dessert. To me it’s a non-starter.
Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. It goes in the recycling.
I’m often asked what makes a good tongue-twister. Well, it’s hard to say.
The tattoo artiste said I had a very coarse epidermis, which didn’t upset me, I’m very thick skinned about stuff like that.
My mum always laughed in the face of adversity until she lost her job as a grief counsellor.
I know a pirate captain who keeps a baby eel in his thermal underwear. That’s long johns elver.
“I think it’s going to rain, the cows are all lying down.”
“You’ve never worked in an abattoir before, have you?”
I don’t like that band name ‘Little Mix’. It’s a bit racist. I prefer the term ‘leprechauns’.
“Life is like a box of hollyhocks.” – Florist Gump
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Eastern wisdom tells us that it’s healthy to have some Ying and Yang in our lives but most homes don’t have room for bloody Pandas.
I dropped a tub of guacamole on the grass last weekend. I’ve fixed up most of the lawn but there’s still a slight dip.
My grandad was highly decorated in World War Two.....in fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.
I’ve been revising for my practical exam on pest control. I was up all night swatting.
Masseuse, (closing book): “...and they all lived happily ever after.”
Customer: “I asked for a happy ending. - you taking the pіѕѕ?”
The original name for ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ – ‘Butter, My Arѕе’ was rejected due to problems with missing punctuation.
Art collectors – I am selling an ORIGINAL piece of artwork by Titian.
Well, it’s a pen drawing of a Dalek by my mate Ian, who’s a tіt.
Innuendo tweets are never that popular, but I occasionally try to slip one in.
Old rock stars were great kidders. In the 60’s, Keith Richards used to run into Marianne Faithful’s bedroom and take the Mick out of her.
Her dating profile says she’s a homeless romantic. I assume that’s a typo for hopeless. Anyway, I’m meeting her near the bins behind Asda.
It’s as simple as this,- we all have a cleft between our buttocks. That’s the bottom line.
FOR SALE: Stringless tennis racket. £7. No returns.
“That’s disgusting!” said my doctor after I told him how I feel sick. I know he’s right but I just love the texture of it on my fingers.
My therapist said I might be bipolar but I swear I didn’t sleep with that daddy bear.
I just bought a house with period features, although I have to say she HATES that as a nickname.
If you don’t enjoy the subtlety and nuance of reasoned, respectful debate, you can just fúсk off.
Before she became Madonna, Madonna was a right pre-Madonna.
How do KFC get their popcorn chicken so shiny?
They use kernel sanders.
I tried dog curry when I visited Korea. It gave me the sits.
If you pick up a shell and hold it to your ear, you can hear the sound of a ballistics expert shouting at you for contaminating evidence.
Welcome to Innuendo club. Anyone who missed last week, I’ll fill you in later.
My New Year’s resolution: - Get better at doing topical tweets.
I’m pleased to announce that after 25 years of regular payments, I finally own my bottle of HP sauce.
I bought Tony Christie’s old sat nav. Fúсkіng useless, it’s stuck on one destination.
Make green salad so much more interesting by squeezing over a little lemon juice. Then stir fry in butter, cover in chocolate and serve.
I’m not a huge fan of biology, but there will always be a special place in my heart for pumping blood to organs and muscles.
My dad has started dressing up as a maternity nurse. Must be having some sort of mid-wife crisis.
“My final wish, oh genie, is that you hand over to me your gay boyfriend in Special Ops.”
“Master, your wish is my commando.”
I’ve been arrested for gross indecency. 144 times.
Is Game of Thrones suitable to watch with my parents, with all the sex going on? Or should I just ignore their antics and watch the programme?
My mum can remember Dad’s marriage proposal like it was yesterday...
“Bloody hell, you said you were on the pill!”
“How much for the condom 5 pack?”
“Sir, that’s a rubber glove.”
“Yeah, whatever. How much?”
“SHUSH COWS” – The Secret Dairy of Anne Frank.
“My wife’s kicked me out after I got drunk and upset her in bed.”
“Bummer...”
“No, I just started an argument!”
Yesterday I fell over a hundred feet. I’m OK, I just tripped over a centipede.
There’s something particularly sleazy about a middle-aged man licking his lips whilst leering at a nice pair of boobs ....apparently.
The most ambitious and dangerous bestial porn film I’ve ever seen is probably ‘Enter the Dragon’.
I tried comfort eating. Horrible, metallic taste. - Lenor, on the other hand, is actually quite nice.
I know you’re still angry I took a dump in your baseball cap, but surely by now we can bury the hat-shít.
If you think you’re developing an addiction to aquatic vegetables, sea kelp.
“I HAVE A BREAM” – Martin Luther Kingfisher
I just fаrtеd and told my girlfriend it was the dog. Then I remembered I don’t have a dog......or a girlfriend.....I’m so lonely.
Yet again there’s another hole in my trouser pocket. No change there then.
What if you counted your blessings and found one missing! You’d just feel worse, wouldn’t you? Fúсkіng stupid saying.
Twelvety-one plus threeteen equals eleventy-seven.
I’ll be honest, I’m not a real maths teacher. I’m just here to make up the numbers.
When my girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
“Is it correct to say ‘octopuses’ or ‘octopi’?”
“Octopae’?
“Anyway coastguard, my girlfriend is being attacked by more than one octopus.”
Went to my doctor for fitness advice and he told me to do something that gets me out of breath...so I’ve taken up asthma.
Blind date:
“Do you like to drink vodka with the lights out?”
“Yes! How did you know that?”
“Shot in the dark.”
I tried that new Australian dessert but it keeps coming back on me. So much for the Boo Meringue!
It’s true, seagulls are becoming more aggressive. Today, one of them made me sign a direct debit for the RSPB.
If you’re happy and you know it, fuсk off you smug twát.
My girlfriend’s really upset because her pet crab has died. She’s had him since he was a nipper.
Waiting nervously for my Cheerleading A-level results......Come on! Give me an A!...
Meanwhile, if you’re planning to do a degree in Oceanography you need seven Cs.
My son wants me to buy him a Bluetooth headset. I told him he was asking for a clip round the ear.
“Yes I contain an awful lot of numbers but that doesn’t make me more special than any other mathematical constant.” – Humble Pi
Q Why do the French transport snails without their shells?
A Less cargo.
Brandy makes you rаndy.
Gin makes you sin.
Vodka makes you give up on poetry and concentrate on getting blootered.
Mick Jagger’s opened a Chinese restaurant and bakery. I know it’s only wok and roll but I like it.
I sometimes ask myself, “What’s it all about?” Then I remember – the Hokey Cokey! That’s what it’s all about.
I wish the girl I love would stop saying, “Either buy something or get out of my shop you delusional weirdo.”
My wife keeps going on about the time I forgot to organise the Christening of our son....who shall remain nameless.
I used to sell loose potatoes, - until I got the sack.
“Is it a bird?”
“Is it a plane?”
“Look, it’s a Rorschach inkblot test and YOU are supposed to tell ME what it is.”
I’m quite high up in this vampire extermination company. In fact I’m the major stakeholder.
My wife is insisting that I take up boxing and call her Adrian. Our marriage is going through a Rocky patch.
Just got my A level results and I’ve failed to get into Apiarist College. I’ve only got one B.
I ordered some filters for my new fish tank. I still don’t know how they use their fins to roll the cigarettes though.
Welcome to Spanish Car Thieves Club. Please take a SEAT.
Don’t worry if you didn’t get the A-level results you wanted. I failed maths in 2001 and 18 years later, it hasn’t done me any harm.
“I’ve just seen a soldier nearly choke to death on a little sweet corn thingy.”
“Kernel?”
“No, sergeant in the paras.”
Dear The News,
You don’t have to say houses were evacuated due to an UNEXPLODED bomb. If it was an exploded one, we’d know.
Pigeon control in Trafalgar Square is arranged on an add hawk basis.
15 years ago I married my soulmate and best friend. I’m only now being arrested for bigamy.
If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that’s gone horribly wrong, tell me. I’m all ears.
My whiplash injury is definitely on the mend. I had a neck brace fitted last week and I haven’t looked back since.
Mrs Newton: “Why are your clothes lying on the floor, child?”
Isaac: “I can explain that.”
The man who holds the patents for prosthetic limbs is divorcing his wife of 30 years. It’ll cost him an arm and a leg.
I’m just looking through my old computer storage disks. Ah...so many memories.
My late friend had his ashes mixed with resin and formed into a handle for his front door. He always was a bit of a knob.
I’ve created a new starter dish that combines my love of shellfish and small parrots. I hope people enjoy my prawn c*ckatiel.
There now follows a documentary about pеrvеrts who expose themselves in public. This programme contains flashing images.
Although ‘break a leg’ is an appropriate form of encouragement in theatres it’s not at the annual gala of the Osteoporosis Society. Apparently.
I’m not as nostalgic as I used to be. I really miss that.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” is poor consolation to a child when you’ve just hoovered up their gerbil.
Mark Knopfler is giving away his collection of paintings and baby birds. You get a Monet for nothing and/or chicks for free.
When I was convicted of stealing a burrito, I didn’t go to prison. The judge just gave me a wrap on the knuckles.
My burning ambition is to do a flawless impersonation of Sinatra. It’s an obsession of mine, to be perfectly Frank.
My sister just told me that she’s dating a zookeeper. When I asked her what he smells like, she went ape ѕhít.
FACT: If you cut a tree in half and count the rings, you can find out how old it was before you brutally murdered it, you tree killing bástаrd!
If I was given a pound for every time a woman found me unattractive, eventually there'd be a tipping point where women would find me attractive.
I was at the gym when I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to push my finger in. I've now been banned from the gym and she has made a formal complaint about abuse in the workplace.
A Wife comes home early and catches her Husband playing with himself in the kitchen.
She rushes over and gives him the best blow job of his life...
Afterwards he says, "We haven't had Sex for 6 months and suddenly this...Why?..
She says. "I only washed the floor this morning, I'd rather clean my teeth, than get the mop out again!!
A man comes home and sees a note on the fridge from his wife.
She had written "This isn't working. I'm at my mothers."
The man opens the fridge. The light goes on and he says to himself "What the hell? The fridge is working fine."
I just spent half an hour grilling some chicken.
But it still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
What idiot decided to call it ‘Dignitas’ rather than ‘Swiss Finishing School’?
When I told my girlfriend I’d do anything to prove my love, she said give up beer. Long story short, can anyone put me up for a few nights.
If God hadn’t meant snails to fly, He wouldn’t have put them in my back garden.
I’m about to play the fanfare for the festival of innuendo.
Just waiting for someone to give me the horn.
Strange beer to the left of me, cheap biscuits to the right. Here I am, stuck in the Lidl with you.
I’ve just seen the advert for the new Gillette Ball Razor. They need to point out that it can also be used on faces.
Can I ask you all to invest in my American coin-making machine? You know it makes cents.
President Obama: “Africa is on the move!”
Italy / France / UK: “Yeah, tell us about it...”
Suitcase: “Yippee!!”
Holdall: “boohoo, sob...”
Duffel bag: “Well, I’m furious.”
Sorry, I’ve got a lot of emotional baggage to deal with right now.
“You’ve admitted the assault. Are there any mitigating circumstances?”
“The man I hit said YOLO as a word, Your Honour.”
“CASE DISMISSED!”
I’ve finally been honoured for all the time I spend up to my knees in the sea on Blackpool beach. I’ve been made a life pier.
Buzz: “To infinity and beyond!”
Neil: Nah, I think I’ll just stick with “one small step”.
Buzz: “You always were a puѕѕy, Neil.”
OK, let’s see YOU pick a better name for ‘multi-coloured sugar coated chocolate drops underwear’, smartie pants.
This restaurant says it offers a baby changing facility but they refused point blank to swap mine.
I’m quite proud of myself today. I managed to use the word recalcitrant in conversation. As in....”What the hell does recalcitrant mean?”
I just found a pubе and some strange looking bristles in my margarine. I can’t believe it’s not butt hair.
Mo has broken.
r
n
i
n
g
I was in a pub brawl when a bottle of Stella landed on a painful zit on my face. Man, that cold beer really hit the spot!
Hands up if you hate the Queen’s Nazi picture.
Two things just happened:
• I spilled a jumbo size tube of smarties
• My pet chameleon’s gone into cardiac arrest.
My therapist has finally cured me of my compulsion to expose my bum in public. I’m over the moon.
Deafness cost me my Mafia job. Bosses found me stuffing a body into a birdcage. Seems they didn’t want him sleeping with the finches.
The police bursting through my front door made me cut myself shaving. The Inspector said, “You’re nicked son.”
I danced like nobody’s watching. Now I’m acting like nobody’s laughing their аrsе off at me.
People accuse me of being a luggage denier. That’s definitely not the case.
They say if you hold a seashell to your ear you can hear the sea. Well, if you hold a c*ckleshell to your ear you can hear c*ck all.
My embalming class is cancelled tonight due to stiff shortages.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“AN END TO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE RESPONSES!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
“WHATEVER.”
There’s a guarded looking Russian hanging around my hives. I think he’s a cagey bee spy.
I’ve just started an аnаl bleaching business. Give me a ring if you’re interested.
“Faking quotes on Twitter is just getting silly.” – Luke, Chapter 4 Verse 23.
Hecklers Anonymous meeting tonight, 11pm. Bring your own boos.
I was so touched when I won first prize in the Gobstopper Eating Competition, I had a lump in my throat.
I’ve just found a grey pubе. I can deduce two things from this:
1. I’m not brushing my teeth properly
2. I’m letting my standards slip.
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