Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
GrumpyTwig said:
5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son. Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud. It looked at me and said "Thank you, for everything." I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek "You're whale cum".
029 2037 6999GrumpyTwig said:
5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son. Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud. It looked at me and said "Thank you, for everything." I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek "You're whale cum".
Get outFrimley111R said:
GrumpyTwig said:
5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son. Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud. It looked at me and said "Thank you, for everything." I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek "You're whale cum".
Get outDuring a child birthing class at a local hospital, a nurse says, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
She turns to the men in the room and says “Gentlemen, remember that you’re both in this together. It wouldn’t hurt for you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
The room becomes very quiet as the men absorb this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room slowly raises his hand. “Yes?” says the Nurse.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk.”
LordHaveMurci said:
Monkey boy 1 said:
I phoned weight watchers and said its an emergency, can you send someone round?
No problem they said, the vast majority of our members are that shape.
Somebody watched Duck quacks last night.No problem they said, the vast majority of our members are that shape.
How about instead of dick head comments someone explains why this happens, you know it wouldn't be done on purpose.
Kaj91 said:
It wasn't funny the last time you posted it either.
Vaud said:
Stop it now... pressing "back" on your browser is reposting the joke.
BigMacDaddy said:
Yeah but seriously, how many double-posts?
Now the thread needs pruning.
Now the thread needs pruning.
Spanglepants said:
How about instead of dick head comments someone explains why this happens, you know it wouldn't be done on purpose.
It's custom software that seems not to take user behaviour into account - and pressing back reposts,. i.e. it's a bit rubbish.Vaud said:
Stop it now... pressing "back" on your browser is reposting the joke.
An oldie but good.
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?
'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.
'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?
'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.
'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'
New school year started and little Johnny’s teacher said she will ask a quiz question every Friday. If the kids got the question right, they would have no homework and no class on Monday.
The first Friday came and the teacher asked, “Who can tell me how many stars are there in the sky?” Little Johnny jumped up and answered 1000. The teacher said that’s wrong. She assigned the homework and said, “See you all on Monday.”
Next Friday came and the teacher asked, “Who here can tell me how many fish are in the sea?” Little Johnny was called on to answer and he said 10,000. The teacher said “That’s incorrect, see you all on Monday,” and she assigned homework.
Before next Friday came little Johnny bought black bouncy balls. At the end of the class, when the teacher said it was quiz time, Johnny started bouncing them all over the room. Irritated, the teacher asked, “Alright, who is the comedian with the black balls!?!”
Little Jonny raised his hand and exclaimed “Chris Rock! See ya Tuesday!”
P.S. I had to google as well to find out who he was.
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