Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Dave woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paraloympics after they tested positive for WD40.
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY".
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead .
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies,f
k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies,
'Your sense of humor!
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
I woke up this morning at 8 am, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30 am.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you b
d!""Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a fking year!!..
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a f
king year!!..
MartG said:
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a fking year!!..
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses."I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a f
king year!!..When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh, but I sure appreciate your help!"
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent, when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical
condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques...
She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop.
She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Show me what you bought."
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical
condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques...
She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop.
She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Show me what you bought."
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