Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
A white missionary goes to Africa and heads into the unexplored jungle. He comes to a large clearing and finds an undiscovered tribe. The tribe are fascinated by the white man - they've never seen a white person. They take him in and he begins to educate them in religion and other aspects of the greater world.
A year later, the chieftain storms into the missionary's hut and drags him out at knife point.
"You are in big trouble, White Man. One of my wives has just given birth to a white baby. You are the only white man we have ever seen. Say your prayers."
The missionary starts to panic but, thinking quickly asks for a moment to explain. He leads the chieftain to the top f the hill that looks over the village. He points down at the flock of sheep and says "Oh great chieftain, you wanted to know why your wife had a white baby. Just look at your flock of white sheep. In the middle is one black sheep..."
The chieftain interrupted him to say, "Ok. You don't mention the sheep and I won't mention the baby."
A year later, the chieftain storms into the missionary's hut and drags him out at knife point.
"You are in big trouble, White Man. One of my wives has just given birth to a white baby. You are the only white man we have ever seen. Say your prayers."
The missionary starts to panic but, thinking quickly asks for a moment to explain. He leads the chieftain to the top f the hill that looks over the village. He points down at the flock of sheep and says "Oh great chieftain, you wanted to know why your wife had a white baby. Just look at your flock of white sheep. In the middle is one black sheep..."
The chieftain interrupted him to say, "Ok. You don't mention the sheep and I won't mention the baby."
MartG said:
Why, are you a slow reader?"Badum", and dare I add, "tschh"
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite work tops"
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite work tops"
A redneck dials 911 in a panic and screams to the phone: “Operatur, we need some help here, we got some lady floppin around haven a heart attack or somethin. Git someone here quick!”
The operator replies calmly “Look sir, just calm down. You need to tell me where you are. Where are you?
“We’re over here at 909 Eucalyptus street,” replies the redneck nervously.
“O.k. sir, can you spell that for me?” comes the answer.
After a long pause the redneck replies “Um, I’m gonna drag her on over to Oak street, umkay? Meet you on the corner.
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