Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
I once fancied a doctor so I went to her surgery and complained of bowel pains.
She told me to bend over and started a rectal exam.
"There's something obstructing the anus", she said "It looks like a bundle of stems. I'm going to try and extract it"
She started pulling and exclaimed, "Oh my god, it's a whole bunch of flowers!"
"Read the card! Read the card!!", I shouted
(Probably off here originally)
She told me to bend over and started a rectal exam.
"There's something obstructing the anus", she said "It looks like a bundle of stems. I'm going to try and extract it"
She started pulling and exclaimed, "Oh my god, it's a whole bunch of flowers!"
"Read the card! Read the card!!", I shouted
(Probably off here originally)
Economically correct.
Collateralized Debt Obligation explained by an Irishman
Lisa bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry , but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Lisa replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Lisa said, 'OK then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Lisa said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Lisa said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Lisa and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Lisa said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Lisa said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'
Lisa now works for Morgan Stanley.
Collateralized Debt Obligation explained by an Irishman
Lisa bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry , but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Lisa replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Lisa said, 'OK then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Lisa said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Lisa said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Lisa and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Lisa said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Lisa said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'
Lisa now works for Morgan Stanley.
A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce where we are."
The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"
And another thing.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Vipers said:
And another thing.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Did the brother ever mention it again? Or was that how the fight started? Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
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