Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

[MartG]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the Girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[MartG]

The person who came up with the saying "Nothing lasts forever" has obviously never tried having a w**k over Susan Boyle

[McAndy]

Missed marketing opportunities #16:

Tesco Value birthday cards sponsored by L'Oreal.

Message inside reads, "Because you're worth it."

[Gargamel]

The last 500 pages have really dragged by

[Vaud]

Gargamel said:

The last 500 pages have really dragged by

I don't get it?

"Potato? Latvian is sad? No potato?"

"Tennish?"

"and one says to the other, do you know how to drive this thing?"

Sorry, none of those classic repeated punchlines fit?

[schmunk]

Gargamel said:

The last 500 pages have really dragged by

My preferences -> Page length -> 80

Ta da! 3/4 less draggy.

[MartG]

Chris Eubank has written a book about ethics.

If it's successful he is going to write another one about Kent

[schmunk]

MartG said:

Kent

Oi! No bypassing the swear filter.

[MartG]

[MartG]

I read this morning that sausages are as much of a health risk as cigarettes according to the world health organisation.i take it this is only true if you smoke 20 sausages a day. Mind you lighting a fking sausage is a bd at the best of times.

[Vipers]

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?”

“Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences… I guess I am,” replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

“I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women,” told the young woman.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

“Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian!”

[Vipers]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him of the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the shaking driver said, "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the st out of me...". The badly shaken passenger apologised to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a light tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry.... it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years..."

[MartG]

[Chlamydia]

MartG said:

"We need a railway built that a vocal minority doesn't want, and a new power station because successive governments have done cock all about the nation's power needs and are more worried about Green taxes".

"Okay but first you have to close all of your steel making facilities".

"There's no need, it's so expensive that even we buy elsewhere and they've gone bankrupt".

Neither is funny but at least mine is factual

[Impasse]

Never knew Ben Elton was on PH.

[Vipers]

A man was rushed to hospital with 6 small plastic horses stuffed up his back side.

A hospital spokesman said "His condition was stable".

[fatboy18]

Vipers said:

A man was rushed to hospital with 6 small plastic horses stuffed up his back side.

A hospital spokesman said "His condition was stable".

well that tickled me

[EarlOfHazard]

Two silk worms had a race.
It ended in a tie.

[MartG]

[Hooli]