Never thought this would happen to me...
Discussion
Sorry, it's another of those wife leaving me threads. Been married 13 years and have three adorable children (8, 6 and 4). Life's been tough financially since the company I worked for went down the pan in 2008. We had just had our 3rd child and we had also just moved house with a huge mortgage to boot. Then the company went tits up.
Since living in our new house I've had five different jobs while trying to make sure we have enough money to pay the bills.....which included nursery costs for two of the three children at that time. We have a great private school literally at the end of our garden which has a nursery attached to it so we put the kids there as it didn't cost much more than other nurseries. However, as the kids got older they simply went from nursery to reception.....and before I knew it three kids in private school at a cost of £3k a month. Hence why I've chased the buck for the last five years.
Despite all this we've manage to get through it (with some great help from my rich mate who's helped cover us for a few big costs in the form of a loan). To say it's been tough in the last five years is an understatement. However, my latest job is a dream job and going really well and the money's good so I saw some light at the end of the tunnel.
Then last week...POW!!!!!!!!!! My wife says' "we need to talk". Long story short, she feels I've neglected her over the last few years and not only that, she's been treading on eggs shells as I would bite at any little issue. She's right.....I probably have been tough to live with. Basically she wants out. I'm still in the denial stage but it does seem like it's over.
I love her immensely (always have and probably always will). I've just not been showing it and it seems she needed to see my actions. I can see her point but now here we are with my wife looking for her happiness resulting in turning the lives of 4 other people upside-down. Our kids love the family life....they're so happy with their mummy and daddy and now we're about to drop a bombshell on their little lives and it breaks my heart. Also, the thought of my future not involving my wife is tearing me apart.
My wife suggested a trial separation (which is odd given she's resolute that it's over). And this is the reason why I've posted my rumblings on here:
Do trial separations work? Are they a good idea?
Thanks for any advice.
Colin.
Since living in our new house I've had five different jobs while trying to make sure we have enough money to pay the bills.....which included nursery costs for two of the three children at that time. We have a great private school literally at the end of our garden which has a nursery attached to it so we put the kids there as it didn't cost much more than other nurseries. However, as the kids got older they simply went from nursery to reception.....and before I knew it three kids in private school at a cost of £3k a month. Hence why I've chased the buck for the last five years.
Despite all this we've manage to get through it (with some great help from my rich mate who's helped cover us for a few big costs in the form of a loan). To say it's been tough in the last five years is an understatement. However, my latest job is a dream job and going really well and the money's good so I saw some light at the end of the tunnel.
Then last week...POW!!!!!!!!!! My wife says' "we need to talk". Long story short, she feels I've neglected her over the last few years and not only that, she's been treading on eggs shells as I would bite at any little issue. She's right.....I probably have been tough to live with. Basically she wants out. I'm still in the denial stage but it does seem like it's over.
I love her immensely (always have and probably always will). I've just not been showing it and it seems she needed to see my actions. I can see her point but now here we are with my wife looking for her happiness resulting in turning the lives of 4 other people upside-down. Our kids love the family life....they're so happy with their mummy and daddy and now we're about to drop a bombshell on their little lives and it breaks my heart. Also, the thought of my future not involving my wife is tearing me apart.
My wife suggested a trial separation (which is odd given she's resolute that it's over). And this is the reason why I've posted my rumblings on here:
Do trial separations work? Are they a good idea?
Thanks for any advice.
Colin.
mr_spock said:
Try Relate first. If she really wants to talk, that can work. At least you'll know if she means it. Best of luck!
This is is good advice. Say to her that you recognise how she feels (important) and realise that that there may be no way back, but that you think you old both regret at least having a few sessions, if nothing else than to clear the air and use it to move forward, as you are still in love with her.As an aside, she left you mentally 6 months ago, at least, sorry to hear it as it sounds like you have been putting everything in in terms of energy.
I can maybe understand she feels neglected a little. I guess when money is tight, you can't always do the things you want too, like the days out, the holidays etc.
If you have got through all the s
t in the past few years and now the money situation is much better and your kids are happier, surely this is now where things should start to improve?
Wonder why she wants to call it a day now things are better? I can't speak for myself, as im single, but from friends / work colleagues experiences, "relationship breaks" never work, and its just the easy way for the woman to say "its over" without it hurting too much at first.
Best of luck mate, sorry I don't have much to add
If you have got through all the s
t in the past few years and now the money situation is much better and your kids are happier, surely this is now where things should start to improve?Wonder why she wants to call it a day now things are better? I can't speak for myself, as im single, but from friends / work colleagues experiences, "relationship breaks" never work, and its just the easy way for the woman to say "its over" without it hurting too much at first.
Best of luck mate, sorry I don't have much to add
Veeayt said:
My bet would be that she has someone on side already. Been there, done that. Women are like monkeys, they swing from tree to tree without letting the first go before they have a firm hold of the next.
Sadly, I've never known this NOT to be the case. I hope you're the exception. Good luck.Grenoble said:
As an aside, she left you mentally 6 months ago, at least, sorry to hear it as it sounds like you have been putting everything in in terms of energy.
Longer I think. Sounds like maybe a couple of years. Wish she had told me how she felt back then. She says that I was so stressed with the work and our financial situation she didn't want to apply further stress. Wish she had!She still says that she regards me as her best friend which I respond by saying that's not a bad basis for a good marriage.
I'm not sure if there's someone else. I did think there was but I rather sneakily took a read of her Skype IM exchange with her sister (based in Sydney) and it only references my lack of intimacy and any kind of evidence of showing I love her.
I maintain this whole situation may say more about her than me (insecurity) which she accepts. But it doesn't really matter what I say or what logical argument I may put forward.....she's simply checked out! It's just so sad.
By the way, the suggestion was that I move out for the trial separation. We discussed whether it's a good idea or not but ultimately I fear that it's not. So here I am in the spare room and feeling really kind of blown away by it all. We're going to do our best to maintain normality for the kids while we try and work things out.
I suggested that maybe she's checking out of something much more than just me i.e all of the stresses she's experienced with trying to make sure she juggled the money we had to pay bills each week (she took care of all of that).
We did go and see a counsellor last week (not relate) and it was good but it seems she's just done that to placate me and give me time to get used to the idea it's over. She has agreed to see a psychiatrist though as she accepts there maybe a bigger issue. So, we agreed that we'll co-exist for the time being (for kids' sake) and, in parallel, she'll see the psychiatrist. I guess I'm living on hope that she'll recognise that I'm not the route cause of our problems and then give it a go again. I said to her tonight, "imagine going through with all this and then you realise 6 months or a ear later you made a mistake". That would be tragic.
I'm sorry to read of your troubles, but it does sound as though she's made her mind up. Mothers of three children generally don't upset the applecart unless they are really unhappy (or have met someone else who they think they could be happy with).
That said, you can be just as good a father regardless of whether you're a husband to your kids' mother (if you follow). You sound as though the past few years have taken their toll on you, too, so perhaps this is your opportunity to reevaluate what it is YOU want from life, as you seem to have been working hard for everyone else, but perhaps overlooking your own needs.
I split from my ex (of 13 years too, but no kids) last year - and the best advice I was given was to be as nice as possible to the ex. I don't regret it (tempted though I was to be evil).
Good luck.
That said, you can be just as good a father regardless of whether you're a husband to your kids' mother (if you follow). You sound as though the past few years have taken their toll on you, too, so perhaps this is your opportunity to reevaluate what it is YOU want from life, as you seem to have been working hard for everyone else, but perhaps overlooking your own needs.
I split from my ex (of 13 years too, but no kids) last year - and the best advice I was given was to be as nice as possible to the ex. I don't regret it (tempted though I was to be evil).
Good luck.
Sym7 said:
By the way, the suggestion was that I move out for the trial separation.
So she wants to keep the big house, the kids in private school and you to quietly disappear and continue to work your knackers off funding it all?Whilst she's f
king her new beau?Please OP. Without wishing to sound harsh strap a pair on and have some self respect.
If she wants to leave that badly I'm sure she's capable of finding the door.
Leave the house and you won't be going back.
Edited by B17NNS on Sunday 21st April 23:52
Chainguy said:
Veeayt said:
My bet would be that she has someone on side already. Been there, done that. Women are like monkeys, they swing from tree to tree without letting the first go before they have a firm hold of the next.
Sadly, I've never known this NOT to be the case. I hope you're the exception. Good luck.I think if this has to happen then its of some consolation that you are both "amicable" about it (although in my experience as soon as the formalities of such a situation are worked through it becomes less amicable) and hopeully you can both keep it that way. However I am a little surprised, and i think its poor form - that given your history and the children you have together, her opening gambit is "lets break up". You are among friends here which goes without saying, but even whilst trying to be unbiased and see things from both sides surely she could have come to you *before* she decided that this had run its course ?.
I hope you find the strength you need and have the right people around you to get through the inevitable s
tstorm which you are approaching. If you need any of us I am sure there are more than a few on here willing to lend an ear or stand you a pint. Count me among them.
R.
Ok...
Women are always looking for the best deal. Being married just buys you a little extra hold time before the better deal that is available is taken. This is the basics of human nature.
Men, we look to justify and solve situations as quickly as possible (hunters). You have demonstrated this in your first post when you point out why you believe the situation has occurred - company down the pan, working incredibly hard to meet the bills and maintain standards whilst being hard to live with due to pressures.
Despite your diagnosis being completely understandable to an outsider (male or female), the best you can do now is listen to everything that is said and not to justify your actions or behaviour in the past however rational it may have been.
Bite your tongue whenever a question is posed or confrontation may occur. This will buy you time to reflect on what is being asked and allow you to make the most considered response (game of chess).
At minimum, this approach will give you the best chance of making good of the situation and may even earn you new found respect from your wife who sees a new side to you.
Women are always looking for the best deal. Being married just buys you a little extra hold time before the better deal that is available is taken. This is the basics of human nature.
Men, we look to justify and solve situations as quickly as possible (hunters). You have demonstrated this in your first post when you point out why you believe the situation has occurred - company down the pan, working incredibly hard to meet the bills and maintain standards whilst being hard to live with due to pressures.
Despite your diagnosis being completely understandable to an outsider (male or female), the best you can do now is listen to everything that is said and not to justify your actions or behaviour in the past however rational it may have been.
Bite your tongue whenever a question is posed or confrontation may occur. This will buy you time to reflect on what is being asked and allow you to make the most considered response (game of chess).
At minimum, this approach will give you the best chance of making good of the situation and may even earn you new found respect from your wife who sees a new side to you.
Nothing really to add OP other than I hope you can sort ut out mainly due to the kids.
But this topic has certainly hit a nerve with me, recently all Ives done is work, yes some of it has been to pat off the holiday or something like that.
So after reading this ive just worked out vaguely that tge last time me and mrs400 actually went out for a meal or even just a drink was late Feb and that wasn't just us that was the whole family.
Its just what you do, and I think you get wrapped up in sorting 1 problem and an even bigger one rears its head.
Sorry for the thread hi jack but its made me take a look at myself.
But this topic has certainly hit a nerve with me, recently all Ives done is work, yes some of it has been to pat off the holiday or something like that.
So after reading this ive just worked out vaguely that tge last time me and mrs400 actually went out for a meal or even just a drink was late Feb and that wasn't just us that was the whole family.
Its just what you do, and I think you get wrapped up in sorting 1 problem and an even bigger one rears its head.
Sorry for the thread hi jack but its made me take a look at myself.
IMO/IME
Any separation won't really be a trial; she decided this months ago.
There probably already is another man (it is very rare for a woman to leave without a better offer).
There is nothing to be gained by blame, recriminations, or revenge - just look forward.
Don't move out of your house; you'll never get back in.
Keep it civil, especially in front of the kids; make sure they understand that it isn't their fault.
Try to reach an agreement between yourselves; the lawyers will only be too happy to rape and rob you.
Commiserations and Best of Luck.
Any separation won't really be a trial; she decided this months ago.
There probably already is another man (it is very rare for a woman to leave without a better offer).
There is nothing to be gained by blame, recriminations, or revenge - just look forward.
Don't move out of your house; you'll never get back in.
Keep it civil, especially in front of the kids; make sure they understand that it isn't their fault.
Try to reach an agreement between yourselves; the lawyers will only be too happy to rape and rob you.
Commiserations and Best of Luck.
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