Never thought this would happen to me...
Discussion
Ozone said:
Sym7 said:
I hope myself and my wife can manage things amicably. We're both rational people so there's a good chance.
If you have any savings put them aside somewhere.
Its "all very amicable" now, but just wait until 1) finances are discussed. or 2) you "discover" why she never lets her iphone out of her sight.
My ex "wanted to be friends" until we had the discussion about the equity in the house (that i paid the entire deposit for, that i paid 85% of the mortgage for, and that i paid the costs to renovate - along with every other thing) all of a sudden it became very business like, and metaphorically guns were drawn.
You MUST keep that amicable front up, as previous posters have said, just smile for the cameras - but all the time in the background keep shoring up whatever you can, and calmly try to stay one step ahead.
R.
Unfortunately, the iPhone revelation clinches it for me too. She's either having an emotional affair with someone (saucy text chat) or as I suspect cos men are predatory and will find weakness for a quick shag she's crossed the line to a physical affair.
There's no point asking her to fess up she will deny it. She will look you in the eye, swear on the kids lives whatever but she will deny it to protect herself.
I would be very cautious how you handle things from here on in and you MUST remain calm and composed at all times. You can back-up the iPhone and interrogate the contents, you can even download some software to read deleted texts. I did both as I needed to know. But be warned what I had to read was not pleasant far from it in fact it tore me apart. So be prepared and good luck fella.
Also, don't do anything rash. In my opinion money, savings etc are not the priorities atm you have a million things spinning round your head and you need to select the few priority ones (kids, getting the truth etc) and deal with those now.
Good luck fella I'm sat here typing this and the feelings of anxiety I went through a few months ago have come flooding back it's hard mate it really is but be strong, be the bigger man, be dignified and you will get through this.
There's no point asking her to fess up she will deny it. She will look you in the eye, swear on the kids lives whatever but she will deny it to protect herself.
I would be very cautious how you handle things from here on in and you MUST remain calm and composed at all times. You can back-up the iPhone and interrogate the contents, you can even download some software to read deleted texts. I did both as I needed to know. But be warned what I had to read was not pleasant far from it in fact it tore me apart. So be prepared and good luck fella.
Also, don't do anything rash. In my opinion money, savings etc are not the priorities atm you have a million things spinning round your head and you need to select the few priority ones (kids, getting the truth etc) and deal with those now.
Good luck fella I'm sat here typing this and the feelings of anxiety I went through a few months ago have come flooding back it's hard mate it really is but be strong, be the bigger man, be dignified and you will get through this.
Sym7 said:
(my wife's lovely.....that's what makes this so difficult).
No she's not, she's (probably) porking another guy, and about to crap on you from a great height.Sym7 said:
I think she's at an inflection point (us blokes call it mid-life crisis).
Stop making excuses for her selfish behaviour! It doesn't wash on PH. Sym7 said:
It's just that her actions could be so devastating on 4 other people's lives. I'm not sure if she completely understands just how much of an impact this whole thing will have. Sit her down and tell her what the score is, rather than roll over and let her rub your belly, hoping she'll change her mind with your display of subservience and 'niceness'.
Then tell her! Make sure she bloody well knows she will be ruining four peoples lives for a very long time. Don't make it easy on her, tell her you are NOT moving out at her convenience and tell her if she is not happy then SHE will be the one who hoofs it down the road and finds what she is looking for. Of course the most likely situation is that your wife has been discussing her feelings about you with one of her friends and doesn't want you party to the conversation.
But PH being what it is you will be told with certainty your wife is having an affair, you will be given phone numbers of private detectives, and the various people on here that love a bit of intrigue will enjoy the thread while pretending to help you.
But I guess thats the internet, if you were serious about your marriage you wouldn't be posting details of it all over the internet in the first place.
But PH being what it is you will be told with certainty your wife is having an affair, you will be given phone numbers of private detectives, and the various people on here that love a bit of intrigue will enjoy the thread while pretending to help you.
But I guess thats the internet, if you were serious about your marriage you wouldn't be posting details of it all over the internet in the first place.
andymadmak said:
Sym7 said:
She hasn't worked for 9 years but given our financial challenges and the youngest of our kids now at school she took the opportunity to return to work. She started her job in August last year but I fear this is where she's had the opportunity to see how her colleagues lead their lives so differently to hers. She told me last night that she feels she's missed out on having fun and that she's feeling older than her years (She's 37 and I'm 46.....she was 20 and I was 29 when we met).
When she was spending time with other mums and doing coffees and cake she was with like minded people talking about all things kids. Now she's at work she's seeing and hearing completely different lives and I think she sees me as someone preventing her from having that life. How she thinks she'll get this as a single mother with three kids goodness only knows.
I don't wish to sound harsh, but this boils my wee wee. You flogged your guts out to keep a roof over her and the childrens heads, and to provide the kind of lifestyle that you felt they deserved. She finally goes back to work (what was the point of the nursery fees?) and now thinks others have a more glam lifestyle cos her old man is knackered and irritable from struggling to keep it all together financially? Missed out on having fun? And I suppose YOU were having a whale of a time, living it up large whilst you were working towards your first heart attack? When she was spending time with other mums and doing coffees and cake she was with like minded people talking about all things kids. Now she's at work she's seeing and hearing completely different lives and I think she sees me as someone preventing her from having that life. How she thinks she'll get this as a single mother with three kids goodness only knows.
Do NOT leave the house. I did, and I regret it. If she wants out tell her to find her own place. Oh, and you want to keep the kids. After all, they will only cramp her style when she wants to go partayyyyy.
Fight man, fight and remind her that it's you who has made the sacrifices to date. Good luck.
Bitter moi?
Grenoble said:
julian64 said:
But I guess thats the internet, if you were serious about your marriage you wouldn't be posting details of it all over the internet in the first place.
Ouch. A bit harsh. .
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You guessed it. Why oh why do people do this. Its easier for me to think these threads are a wind up, than to realise that ten years from now his children will read threads like this about 'oxo towers', 'sloppy seconds', 'hiding money', and SWT, and realise dad made decisions that will change their entire lives based on idiot posts.
If the mods ever had a job, this is it.
s3fella said:
Tell her you've had a think, and you want her to sling her ungrateful hook, right now. Tell her to f
k of to a travelodge. Hoof her up the clacker if you need to get your point accross.
What an ungrateful bh. 9 fking years of watching trisha, then she does 7 months graft and gets to tell you how it's going to be.
Ffs.
Do you work for relate? k of to a travelodge. Hoof her up the clacker if you need to get your point accross. What an ungrateful b
h. 9 fking years of watching trisha, then she does 7 months graft and gets to tell you how it's going to be. Ffs.
Many have said STAY IN THE HOUSE!
I did and 4 years later I'm still here. I work and look after the kids while she lives nearby and has the kids often, which also allows me to keep working. Thing is I'm beginning to wish that I had moved out as there has been no time for me.
No new relationship and hardly any social life whilst she has someone to live with. Maybe life in a bedsit wouldn't have been so bad.
I did and 4 years later I'm still here. I work and look after the kids while she lives nearby and has the kids often, which also allows me to keep working. Thing is I'm beginning to wish that I had moved out as there has been no time for me.
No new relationship and hardly any social life whilst she has someone to live with. Maybe life in a bedsit wouldn't have been so bad.
julian64 said:
Possibly, but born of frustration with this and other notable threads when the ops post a serious problem, which gets some serious answers and a large quantity of fatuous ones, and the op makes life choices based on.
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You guessed it. Why oh why do people do this. Its easier for me to think these threads are a wind up, than to realise that ten years from now his children will read threads like this about 'oxo towers', 'sloppy seconds', 'hiding money', and SWT, and realise dad made decisions that will change their entire lives based on idiot posts.
If the mods ever had a job, this is it.
Maybe it's venting or talking to total strangers which means you will be more honest, do any of you know what I look like? Where I work? Equally do I know who any of you lot are? So if I admit stuff on here or discuss stuff on here I am fairly safe to assume no one will be judging me out on the street. Look at it this way of you ask your mates then they know you and may pass judgment or alter your friendship, ask strangers and weed out any good advice. this was a prime example of that sort of thing.
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You guessed it. Why oh why do people do this. Its easier for me to think these threads are a wind up, than to realise that ten years from now his children will read threads like this about 'oxo towers', 'sloppy seconds', 'hiding money', and SWT, and realise dad made decisions that will change their entire lives based on idiot posts.
If the mods ever had a job, this is it.
croyde said:
Many have said STAY IN THE HOUSE!
I did and 4 years later I'm still here. I work and look after the kids while she lives nearby and has the kids often, which also allows me to keep working. Thing is I'm beginning to wish that I had moved out as there has been no time for me.
No new relationship and hardly any social life whilst she has someone to live with. Maybe life in a bedsit wouldn't have been so bad.
Dr. Globs prescribes a nice live in Au Pair, with the eurozone collapse etc there has never been a better time.I did and 4 years later I'm still here. I work and look after the kids while she lives nearby and has the kids often, which also allows me to keep working. Thing is I'm beginning to wish that I had moved out as there has been no time for me.
No new relationship and hardly any social life whilst she has someone to live with. Maybe life in a bedsit wouldn't have been so bad.
julian64 said:
Of course the most likely situation is that your wife has been discussing her feelings about you with one of her friends and doesn't want you party to the conversation.
But PH being what it is you will be told with certainty your wife is having an affair, you will be given phone numbers of private detectives, and the various people on here that love a bit of intrigue will enjoy the thread while pretending to help you.
But I guess thats the internet, if you were serious about your marriage you wouldn't be posting details of it all over the internet in the first place.
I get your point, but sometimes it really helps to discuss things with people from a 'neutral' perspective.But PH being what it is you will be told with certainty your wife is having an affair, you will be given phone numbers of private detectives, and the various people on here that love a bit of intrigue will enjoy the thread while pretending to help you.
But I guess thats the internet, if you were serious about your marriage you wouldn't be posting details of it all over the internet in the first place.
When I broke up with my long-term girlfriend it was extremely messy. I spoke to everyone in my social circle... repeatedly... to death and eventually nobody wants to hear it anymore. I still needed to talk about it, purely to help me work things out in my head. I got some invaluable advice on here and viewed things from a perspective that I would not normally have considered.
Sometimes people just need to talk and the internet is an outlet...
croyde said:
Many have said STAY IN THE HOUSE!
I did and 4 years later I'm still here. I work and look after the kids while she lives nearby and has the kids often, which also allows me to keep working. Thing is I'm beginning to wish that I had moved out as there has been no time for me.
No new relationship and hardly any social life whilst she has someone to live with. Maybe life in a bedsit wouldn't have been so bad.
I too stayed at home with the kids and wife moved out. Been nearly 2 years now. I know what you mean and it is hard work but it's important to make the effort to get out there. Ex has the kids a couple of nights a week and I make sure I always go out (even if it's on a Monday night) with mates or on dates (I now have a regular girlfriend I met through work but before that I did the whole Internet dating thing, which was an eye opener but at least got me used to trying to chat women up again). I think a social life and a bit of female company is very good for personal well-being and self-esteem (but I don't think I'd want to live with one again!). BTW, I was never particularly good at pulling birds but it seems to be a lot easier now I'm older - maybe women my age are just less fussy?!). Need to get out there I'm afraid mate.I did and 4 years later I'm still here. I work and look after the kids while she lives nearby and has the kids often, which also allows me to keep working. Thing is I'm beginning to wish that I had moved out as there has been no time for me.
No new relationship and hardly any social life whilst she has someone to live with. Maybe life in a bedsit wouldn't have been so bad.
mikefacel said:
BTW, I was never particularly good at pulling birds but it seems to be a lot easier now I'm older - maybe women my age are just less fussy?!). Need to get out there I'm afraid mate.
I think that it is a bit of both and that you, regardless of your lack of up-to-date experience, most likely come across as much more confident that you would have been when younger.I am no Adonis, far too round for a start, yet when I found myself single again at after a long relationship went bad I could not believe how many women were interested. It would have been very easy to have been a very bad boy an awful lot, and that was without playing on the dating sites.
julian64 said:
Of course the most likely situation is that your wife has been discussing her feelings about you with one of her friends and doesn't want you party to the conversation.
But PH being what it is you will be told with certainty your wife is having an affair, you will be given phone numbers of private detectives, and the various people on here that love a bit of intrigue will enjoy the thread while pretending to help you.
But I guess thats the internet, if you were serious about your marriage you wouldn't be posting details of it all over the internet in the first place.
Some valid points. In fact, when I confronted her today about the iPhone secrecy this is exactly the reason she gave.But PH being what it is you will be told with certainty your wife is having an affair, you will be given phone numbers of private detectives, and the various people on here that love a bit of intrigue will enjoy the thread while pretending to help you.
But I guess thats the internet, if you were serious about your marriage you wouldn't be posting details of it all over the internet in the first place.
Wrt me being serious about my marriage and posting on the Internet this is where you and I are at a difference. Firstly, with my three kids involved and my whole life about to be turned upsidedown I find it incredible that you can call my seriousness into question.....it's about as serious as it gets. Sharing as 'sym7' with some anonymity rather than as me (I don't use this profile name anywhere else) it has helped me immensely to share with strangers who I am unlikely to ever knowingly meet. An example of some help is the reference to the book "it's no big deal really" (which arrived today) with advice about how to manage your kids' stability during a marriage break up (should that happen). Other people's experiences help and I am rational enough to pick out the relevant, irrelevant and the obvious bitter.
Please don't question my seriousness again and I'm sure you and I will get along just fine.
Talking to strangers is a great help (that's inherent in counselling right?). I saw a counsellor today and referenced how sharing on PH was helping me and she said that there is no harm in doing that if I felt that it helped to share.
DSLiverpool said:
s3fella said:
Tell her you've had a think, and you want her to sling her ungrateful hook, right now. Tell her to fk of to a travelodge. Hoof her up the clacker if you need to get your point accross.
What an ungrateful bh. 9 fking years of watching trisha, then she does 7 months graft and gets to tell you how it's going to be.
Ffs.
Do you work for relate? k of to a travelodge. Hoof her up the clacker if you need to get your point accross. What an ungrateful b
h. 9 fking years of watching trisha, then she does 7 months graft and gets to tell you how it's going to be. Ffs.
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