Never thought this would happen to me...

[johnfm]

Sym

Remember, a few months ago you were unhappy and, well, chubby.

Now you're just unhappy!

Chin up - you are at the start of a new journey and that is always a bit nerve wracking. You'll be fine.

[stuttgartmetal]

Sym7 said:

I feel so fking crap. I thought I was handling this okay and then pow! It hits me like a wet kipper. My wife moved out this weekend and I had the kids with me over at my parents while she moved 'her' stuff out. I dropped the kids off at her new house a couple of hours ago. The toughest thing I've ever experienced. That's it! My kids no longer live with me. It became so sudden in the end. I'm here in my house all alone, no pictures on the walls, no beds in the spare rooms and nearly all of the cupboards bare. I move next weekend. I feel so st I almost don't want to wake up tomorrow. I really didn't expect it to hit me this hard. I actually thought I was looking forward to the future (and posted as such in this thread a couple of weeks ago).

Please tell me it gets better because this pain is unbearable......I feel like ending the pain tonight!

My wife left me after years and years of ice cold marriage.
She's the kind of person that can really torture you.
You know, proper cruelty.
Being the major breadwinner, she kept me on as a house help/security guard/maintenance man.
I tried to convince myself I could make it work.
I came home one night, with card dressings on my face and nose after Id had a cancer growth removed, and both my wife and daughter ignored me.
They were both not talking to me at the time.
The depression, mental torture was un bearable.
Things got worse, and in frustration I was just going mental.
An argument, or rather mis handled talking to my 14 year old daughter ended with me slapping her, and shouting at her. The said daughter told her mother she thought I was going to kill them both. Sure. After a slap.
Anyhow, they both left to my wifes friend, who became my daughter new surrogate Dad.
A difficult relationship, as this guy was married, with a sick child , and a hero.
Well, torture followed, I was subsequently arrested becuase Id shaken my wife by the lapels of her dressing gown.
Painted as a cruel and abusive Father I spent the next 2 years in the family home.
Black?
Don't go there, it was soo hard.
i got the divorce papers, and to this day havent spoken a sentence to my ex wife.
My now 18yo Uni student daughter still ignores me, and gets advice from others.
No doubt poisoned by my ex wife, I doubt Ill see her again, however I live in hope of her contacting me one day.
I think of her what, twenty thirty forty fifty, a hundred times a day.
Im not sure she knows what she's doing to me.

Well, my ex sorted a flat, and she's as happy as she is, Ive no idea how happy that is, thats her business, and not mine.
I sold my 993, and in the only bullet point letter to me, cold, she said it was pathetic that I had to sell the car I loved.
Hows that for gloating ?
I sold the house, and cleared our old life.
trips to charity shops, to the dump etc etc.
It was truly the hardest thing Ive done in my life.
Imagine clearing your daughter bedroom, where you knew the story of everything in it.
Had me on my ar e in tears plenty of times.

Any how, this all really tied up early 2012, and by July it was all over.
I passed her in a corridor a few times, that was wierd, however the dreams and subconcious processes in my brain prepared me for it.
Time apart, and processing what happened, becuase thats the key, helped me.
Ive seen her a couple of times since, and genuinely feel sorry for her.
She looks alone.
Her mother and grand mother both ended up alone.
Waking up alone in a quiet rooms so awful.
Cooking for yourself, going home to an empty flat every night, with nothing in her life except her job must be awful for her. Im sure if she hasn't got a new guy, she could easily get one.
However she'll never feel the passion I gave her, or she will find a man, a real man again.

I look back at it now, and it was a real eye opener as to how stupid I was.
She took me to the cleaner big time.
Washed me out for 3 years.
I was once sitting in the 993 in the garage with the keys in the ignition, one turn from ending it all, and let me tell you, thats quite a story, quite a voyage.


Three years on Im back in a 993, a C4S now, three years newer.
Leather dash, and every Turbo extra. LOL, but thats not the point.
I'll never be over her, but I do know I wouldn't go back to what it was like for the last 4 or five years of my marriage.
Tossed out like garbage, and a wreck, I've slowly fought back.
rebuilt a life, and learnt so much about myself.
Life experience you don't want, howver I now could write a book about it.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
You learn nothing from success, you only learn from failure.
Time heals.
Process whats happened from your point of view.
Get to acceptance.
Accept its over, and you can move on.
And most importantly, don't be bitter.
Rise above it all, and don't lower yourself to her cruelty.
Move on.
You'll win your life back.
All that sh t you have to give up to be in a relationship, you get back.
Youll be bigger, faster and stronger.

Your lifes quite empty right now.
Don't go out getting drunk, or doing gear.
Don't D and D
Draw into yourself, process it all.
Your ex has lost all respect for you, just as you had.
You will get your self respect back.
Don't blame yourself, its always fifty fifty, and she has a right to have whatever life she wants, and if that doesn't include you, well thats her shout.
You've just got to let her get on with it.
I doubt she's got another guy, just a load of a hole friends advising her, and her listening.
Well, she's over eighteen, let her get on with it, cos there's nothing you could or did or can do.

Who wanted the big house ?
You or her?

Who wanted the private schooling, you or her?
Who piled the pressure on?
Did you just do the best you could?
well here's a newsflash, you couldn't do it, and therefore youre not good enough for her.
F ck her.
You shouldve downsized the mortgage and got the kids in good schools, howver, I very much doubt that wouldve happened, as its not what she wanted.
Thats right.
Not what she would have wanted, so you were f cked either way.
You're not Donald F cking Trump.
How is that your fault?
What she wants, then as now, is what SHE wants.
Does that sound like fifty fifty marriage?
Huh?
You sound like you really tried, knocked your pipe out, and it wasn't enough, so she's dumped you.
Not stood back and assessed the terrain, and how you couldve kept the family together.
She spilt the family, because she couldn't get what she wanted.
What she wants is now what she wants, so remember that, and remember what you want is what you want.
You've fallen into the trap that you've tried to do everything she wanted, and she absolutely controlled you.
Sounds seriously similar.
My ex dropped me as soon as my daughter was self sufficient.
Its only now, now three years later I can look back and see what a cruel, ice cold, cold hearted person she was.
Karma will find a way.
Here's the best advice I can give you.

F ck her.
Let her get on with it.
Karma waits, and looks, just be a good father to your kids.
She will learn.
What man in his right mind wants some crazy bird with 3 kids FFS.
No matter how good a f ck she is, its just too much ballast.
She, and her advice giving mates, and those idiots don't live the life shes constructing, can jog on.
It sounds to me like you are better off without her.
She needs time alone, and if thats for the next ten or fifteen years, so be it.
She may find someone else, but he wont be half the man you are.
A Father to your kids, who would've done anything for her, and them.
The man, the father, willing to do anything for his wife or kids to hold the family together, nope, she'll find some sap.
She's never going to find someone like that again.
And that really hurts, hurts deep inside, because they just don't get that.
It's something she'll learn.
And its such a bitter bitter lesson, that turns the woman into a bitter bitter man hater.
Happens all the time.
Sounds like you'd have done anything for her, and once you;ve given her evrything, you're conquered, and no-one.
Well let her find out her own sorry, pathetic way.
Soundslikeyou would have done anything to fix it, only she didn;t want to.
and there's not a goddamn thing you couldve done about it.
She thinks that she really knows better.
Well, its a lonely life alone.

Find someone else, once youre back on top of your game you will,and be happy.

You've just got to get through it.
The pain doesn;t last forever, you've just got to stand back and process it.
Time brother, time will heal you.
Just grip on the hand rail of the up and down, backward and forward emotional roller coaster ride you are on, and get throught tthat dark tunnel your going through, and get to the other side, where we are all waiting for you, to see see the real you, the old you.

www.wikivorce.com.

Join up, and post there.
Proper help, not just car forum bullsh t.

Positive vibes to you brother. ++++++++++++++++ve


Just don't do anything she can slag you off to the kids for.
Be a good Dad.

In time, you'll look back and wonder what you saw in her.

I promise

Edited by stuttgartmetal on Monday 6th January 03:09

[zygalski]

I think the first & most important stage in dealing with a relationship breakdown is accepting responsibility for your own part in it. I don't mean passive/aggressive analysis (you accept a little responsibility but deep down you're really still blaming the other party) instead taking a really long, hard look in the mirror to try to prevent it happening again.
Good luck OP.
As has been mentioned, the passage of time helps enormously.

[stewies_minion]

Sorry to read it's hit home again.

If it's any help - I've just been through the same experience but in a far shorter period of time.

I'm now in the process of buying the marital home and she's in a rented house with the kids. I see them Wednesdays and alternate weekends.

As others have said, the passage of time helps. The first few weeks and months were very hard. Keep off booze. Do you still have the girlfriend you mentioned? Focus on good times with her if so. Keep fit.

Plan loads of cool activities with the kids when it's your weekend.

There is no magic cure for all this I'm afraid.

[croyde]

This is weird to say but further to my earlier post, I'm actually jealous of your position.

It's where I would love to be, moving on with my life.

We split 5 years ago on NYE. her decision, I didn't know for a few days. We have a house and 3 kids and I refused to move out because I didn't want to lose touch with the kids and I couldn't afford to financially. Well if I had I would have had to accept every job going (Freelance) in order to pay mine and their bills. Then I would always be missing my time with the kids.

She moved out and got a boyfriend but we ran the house as if we were together. Shared bills and she still had a room to stay over when I was working. It has sort of worked but there have been some terrible times and I have come close to that dark edge.

Last Spring, I finally decided to move out and take the hit on renting locally and started looking in earnest. I realised that I needed to move my life on as I was basically a husband whose wife had a boyfriend. I have had no new relationships and I believe my circumstances are holding me back and I'm not getting any younger.

BUT!! She was diagnosed with breast cancer and I have been looking after the kids and organising childcare whilst I have been busy with work. It has been 7 months of chemo and radio hell for her and the family have all suffered. So she has basically moved back and I am living in purgatory. I only perk up when at work.

I really want to move out but she is unable to look after the kids as she is still very ill and who knows what the future holds.

That! OP, is why I am jealous of your position.

I know it feels bad, I spent this Christmas alone in a hotel room just to get away for a few days but it was bloody depressing, I want to be in my own place.

It will get better mate and just try and look at the positives. To have your own place and actually see the kids to do fun stuff will be great rather then end up like me, so annoyed at my own situation that I am not really a fun dad to be with.

[ShyTallKnight]

Sorry to hear this Sym your previous more upbeat post a lttle while back was how I was feeling.... However, today i feel much the same as you. Dunno why, Xmas was st, new year was st, I've just finished with the lass I was dating etc etc

[monthefish]

B17NNS said:

Sym7 said:

I feel like ending the pain tonight!

Whoa, whoa, whoa there fella! A permanent solution to a temporary problem is not the way forward.

Your children need a father. I know you're at your lowest and whilst at your weekest you're being asked to dig the deepest but there simply is no other way forward.

It will get better. If nothing else, you have to believe that.

Good post, that.
Was going to post similar but this was succinctly put.

Sorry to hear you are going through what must be a horrible situation.

[stuttgartmetal]

ShyTallKnight said:

Sorry to hear this Sym your previous more upbeat post a lttle while back was how I was feeling.... However, today i feel much the same as you. Dunno why, Xmas was st, new year was st, I've just finished with the lass I was dating etc etc

http://www.dailysquib.co.uk/world/5725-5-ways-handle-january-6-officially-depressing-day-year.html

[ShyTallKnight]

stuttgartmetal said:

http://www.dailysquib.co.uk/world/5725-5-ways-hand...

Thanks SGM and can I also say what a very good post that was you made above... Gives us all some hope

[Carthage]

Sym7 said:

I feel so fking crap. I thought I was handling this okay and then pow! It hits me like a wet kipper. My wife moved out this weekend and I had the kids with me over at my parents while she moved 'her' stuff out. I dropped the kids off at her new house a couple of hours ago. The toughest thing I've ever experienced. That's it! My kids no longer live with me. It became so sudden in the end. I'm here in my house all alone, no pictures on the walls, no beds in the spare rooms and nearly all of the cupboards bare. I move next weekend. I feel so st I almost don't want to wake up tomorrow. I really didn't expect it to hit me this hard. I actually thought I was looking forward to the future (and posted as such in this thread a couple of weeks ago).

Please tell me it gets better because this pain is unbearable......I feel like ending the pain tonight!

Everything changes in time - as Vincefox says, just wait it out.

Try to do practical positive things such as packing your stuff, starting to plan your kids' spaces in your house (assuming they will be staying with you). You'll need to furnish your new house, and start to make it your home.

[ZesPak]

These threads are very sobering for us "young married" ones as well, seeing people that were happily married for over 10 years grow apart like that...

Sad to hear you're feeling st OP, is there anybody you can call to have a night/day out or something? I'd go for a ride with a friend/go carting/... something in that aspect to take my mind of things.

Maybe not the best thing to ask, but was she having an affair or is that still unresolved?

[mybrainhurts]

ZesPak said:

These threads are very sobering for us "young married" ones as well, seeing people that were happily married for over 10 years grow apart like that...

:cough:...twenty four years...:cough:

Bloody women, think they're going to be 18 for the whole of their lives.

[mikefacel]

I went through similar depressive stages from about three years ago and my ex left two years ago once her mentalness finally got too much (2 kids, although they mainly live with me). Had some really dark times but two years on all I can say is that it really, really does get better.

It's really important to speak with someone though - I had a couple of mates I could really discuss everything with over a beer. I know us blokes don't like doing that stuff,but it really helps if you can share your feelings with someone who knows you well and can give you a sympathetic ear and maybe a bit of guidance. And get you pissed when necessary.

A lot of the recovery is in regaining your own self-respect. The ex probably put you down and all that work and struggle did the same. You're obviously a decent, hard-working bloke OP who loves his kids so accept that you're a good, talented person and build on it. All the best.

[blindswelledrat]

stuttgartmetal said:

Stuff.

No offense, and I am saying this to give you chance to delete that, but you come across as an absolute lunatic in that post and to end it with paragraphs of clichés and advice is utterly terrifying.

[A bit down]

Sym7, really sorry to hear you are feeling like this but from recent personal experience I can tell you that it gets better. I'm just over a year on from being in the same position (quite well documented in the "has anyone used a private detective" thread) and although I still have my "down" moments, the unbelievable sadness that overwhelmed me for a period of time is long gone.

These things are tests which we can't afford to fail. Our children need us and we must pull through. Find someone to talk to, distract yourself at work, go out chasing women, go to the gym - whatever - but do try and put your children first. This is a big time for them and they need a routine, quickly, and to know that Mum and Dad both love them very much and will always be there for them no matter what happens. You've got to keep yourself together (and you will) because they need you. Have you got friends/family you can speak to? That's what they are for, even if you have to swallow your pride to do so.

It isn't fair, it isn't right, it isn't your fault - but it is happening and you'll have to deal with it. I promise it does get better and time will help. You are right at the bottom now but at least you are out of a bad relationship and the future is what you make of it - it's all in your hands now.

Please feel free to PM me me (you too ShyTallKnight) if you just need someone to unload on who has been there and come out the other side, or even just to discuss things. Several PHers did it for me and it made a big difference.

Look after yourself, and you will be OK.

[Sid's Dad]

blindswelledrat said:

stuttgartmetal said:

Stuff.

No offense, and I am saying this to give you chance to delete that, but you come across as an absolute lunatic in that post and to end it with paragraphs of clichés and advice is utterly terrifying.

I think a few beers may have been involved. At least I hope so.

[slippery]

Sid's Dad said:

blindswelledrat said:

stuttgartmetal said:

Stuff.

No offense, and I am saying this to give you chance to delete that, but you come across as an absolute lunatic in that post and to end it with paragraphs of clichés and advice is utterly terrifying.

I think a few beers may have been involved. At least I hope so.

I'm sure he meant well, but there is certainly still a lot of anger there. I had to read his username twice because I thought it was missing an 'n'.

[Carthage]

slippery said:

I'm sure he meant well, but there is certainly still a lot of anger there. I had to read his username twice because I thought it was missing an 'n'.

I read it fully too, and was left feeling concerned for SGM, and wondering if he meant to admit to assaulting both his wife and daughter during the breakdown of his marriage, especially as he seems to miss his daughter so badly. What if she reads that?

(Happy to edit/delete this comment if nec.)

[Sym7]

ZesPak said:

These threads are very sobering for us "young married" ones as well, seeing people that were happily married for over 10 years grow apart like that...

Sad to hear you're feeling st OP, is there anybody you can call to have a night/day out or something? I'd go for a ride with a friend/go carting/... something in that aspect to take my mind of things.

Maybe not the best thing to ask, but was she having an affair or is that still unresolved?

Sorry, so much has happened since I stopped posted for many months on this thread....I couldn't remember whether I mentioned the affair. Despite her denying anyone else's involvement I found out she was having an affair. The circumstances how I found out were quite extreme. It was back in may during one of the May bank holidays I had taken my kids away for the weekend to Snowdon and stayed in a really remote cottage north west of Snowdonia. After being out with the kids climbing the mountain all day Saturday we got back to the cottage and I put the kids to bed and was looking forward to sitting in front of the tv. Then I had this almighty pain in my chest which had me doubled up. The pain just wouldn't go. It lasted all night and I think I eventually fell asleep as dawn was breaking. When I woke I felt fine. So went out with the kids all day Sunday. Same thing that night happened but this time the pain was much worse. Monday I was fine again and drove back home. Wednesday morning I woke at about 4:00am with the same pain again and called 999. Ended up in cardiac (sp) ward and had all sorts of tests. My wife came to see me and said that the kids were being looked after by a teacher at their school. My second night in the hospital my wife made a brief visit and said the same teacher was looking after the kids again. When I got back home my kids said that the teacher (Mr. B) had a "sleepover".

The teacher is 26 and my wife 38. Basically he was shagging her in my bed, in my house with my kids in the rooms adjacent while I was in hospital having a suspected heart attack (turned out to be something to do with my liver and gall stones).

So, needless to say, I don't want this guy anywhere near my kids. The school sacked him. I wonder what his intentions are???? I suspect he'll be moving in with my wife shortly which is making my pain all the worse! Anyway....yes she was having an affair. One of the early posters on this thread said "women are like monkeys; they won't let go of one branch until they have hold of the next". How true.

[Carthage]

That's shocking!

In some ways the worse they have behaved, the easier it is to move on as you have fewer regrets.

People who address their unhappiness by infidelity tend to find it doesn't work long term.

Onwards and upwards (and less of the misogyny please - tttishness isn't gender specific).