Never thought this would happen to me...

[discusdave]

hi op
I'm going though the same thing now
married 16 years 3 kids 8,9,14
exactly the same thing was said to me about the trial separation ...

i am now in week 5 of said separation trying to make her "want me again"
our experiences in the build up was/is very similar to yours we are getting on better kids don't see the arguments but i do miss being there anyway.

i just wanted to say good luck

[Kateg28]

I feel for the OP and hope you can work it out.

Just to get some perspective, I have only once had someone else when I finished a relationship but I was 15. Since being an adult, in all my friends only one has had someone else (admittedly that I knew of but I have quite a few strong friendships where we would share this if only for support).

It is not every woman, we are not all SWT.

[mikeveal]

grumbledoak said:

IMO/IME

Any separation won't really be a trial; she decided this months ago.
There probably already is another man (it is very rare for a woman to leave without a better offer).
There is nothing to be gained by blame, recriminations, or revenge - just look forward.
Don't move out of your house; you'll never get back in.
Keep it civil, especially in front of the kids; make sure they understand that it isn't their fault.
Try to reach an agreement between yourselves; the lawyers will only be too happy to rape and rob you.

Commiserations and Best of Luck.

Grumbledoak speaks words of wisdom.

DO NOT move out, do not allow kids to go with your wife. If she wishes to leave, let her.

I'm sorry to say that at this stage she probably does already have a new man, but it ain't over till the fat lady sings. If I were in your shoes, I'd fight to make it work again. You do need to accept though that sadly, it doesn't appear that this works very often.

Sorry to hear the news. For what it's worth, two of my mates have been through very similar (same converstaion with wife, in both cases it turned out there was a new man on the scene.) One of the guys got re-married last year. The other is enjoying his freedom doing guy stuff that didn't fit with his previous family life. Both have joint custody of their kids. Both were devastated, both are now very happy with their lives.

[Rude-boy]

grumbledoak said:

IMO/IME

Any separation won't really be a trial; she decided this months ago.
There probably already is another man (it is very rare for a woman to leave without a better offer).
There is nothing to be gained by blame, recriminations, or revenge - just look forward.
Don't move out of your house; you'll never get back in.
Keep it civil, especially in front of the kids; make sure they understand that it isn't their fault.
Try to reach an agreement between yourselves; the lawyers will only be too happy to rape and rob you.

Commiserations and Best of Luck.

Another who agrees with this.

My story is newly qualified and doing two jobs to pay for the nice big house we both wanted to live in with her 3 kids. Before we even moved in I laid it on the line in terms of "Look this is how it well be, 5 years of a lot of very hard work and you will not see as much of me as you would wish followed by another 5 of more money but still a lot of travel and so on for me and then we should be fairly set with your youngest being 18 by then and my career nicely sorted and I'll be able to ease off a little and we can enjoy the fruits of our labours far more."

She lasted 5 years before she started to become distant and we had the "I never see you, there isn't anyone else" talk.

It was such a surprise that shortly after we had sold the joint house and were living separately that it came to my attention she was going out with someone who had previously only been "A Good Friend" and who just happened to be quite wealthy. Of course he is at home all the time (he puts in as many hours a week in his job as I do).

In short OP. I if were you I would read A Little Bit Down's thread and take your cues from there.

There may not be another, but i would be surprised and don't think that she would certainly have discussed it with family, they can often be the last to meet "The New Guy" to save any difficult conversations where her family might tell her what they think of her actions.

[Sym7]

Lots of great advice and words of wisdom on here....thank you. It's possible she may have another man but she's certainly denying it very well. I really want to believe her but I honestly have this constant niggling doubt. Either way, I guess it really doesn't matter anymore if she's left me (in her mind). There's no point me fighting the innevitable.

What really upsets me is to know (even if it's not immediate) that another man, at some stage, will be living with my kids and doing family stuff with them. It dawned on me last night that I've had my last Christmas as a family already. I wish I had known it would be our last together at the time and I probably would have savoured it more. It breaks my heart.

She's agreed to see a pyschiatrist in parallel with us managing an exit. I guess this will take time. We need to get the house up together and put it on the market and I think selling it will not be quick. I did say to her last night that once we're done and moved on we're really done and there's no way way back. She remains resolute.

I think i'm in the first stage of the classic stages starting with Denial. I understand Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance come next. I watched this short clip last night....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Z3lmidmrY

Thanks for all your advice and understanding....

[Rude-boy]

OP - In the big scheme of things it does not matter if there is another man or even an army of lovers at her door the second the kids are out of sight. That is no longer your problem.

Try to get to Acceptance as soon as possible. It took me a few months but once there I was able to be very rational and calculating. I know that I sleep very well and can look myself in the eye. From a conversation I had with my ex when I bumped into her a few months ago for the first time in years I get the impression she does not have that luxury. This is not a Nelson "haha" point, just a nudge to try to impress upon you that no matter how hard it is emotionally to deal with all of this you must make sure that you are 100% comfortable with your actions over the next 6-12 months they will shape your life for years to come.

Whatever you do though do not allow her to pressure you into moving out if you can possibly avoid it. Harsh but this is her decision and not yours. If anyone is leaving the marital bed/bedroom it's her.

[Chrisgr31]

I do know someone who had a trail seperation and did get back together afterwards. At the time of the seration they had no kids now have 2 and have been together 13 years since the trial seperation, so they can work out.

Whether they will work out probably depends though on the mindset of those involved, and if one of them is already in another relationship then it is more unlikely that it wont work

If I was the OP I wouldn't be worrying about her having another relationship, just accept her when she says she is not, because otherwise you'll never get back together. Have to trust each other. If she does have another guy it will become clear over time anyway.

Problem with a trial seperation is that the OP will have to work even harder now, to cover the mortgage on the family home, the school fess, and his own rent!

[ZOLLAR]

Veeayt said:

My bet would be that she has someone on side already. Been there, done that. Women are like monkeys, they swing from tree to tree without letting the first go before they have a firm hold of the next.

Amen to that.

[andyjo1982]

Does your wife work OP? It'd be a little more understandable if she's a stay at home mum and doesn't see much of you. Perhaps there could be other underlying issues like depression etc if she's not doing much with her life.

Otherwise, I can only echo other comments made. I've just seen my 11 year relationship end a few months ago (perhaps we should form a club?). Fortunately, we'd already sold our house and no kids, though I invested a lot of my money from the sale towards what is now her future abroad. Our relationship was probably over nearly a year before it actually finished, but I wanted to do everything possible to keep it going. Having been split for nearly 10 weeks now, I've realised we were different people, with different intrests and little in common. I have some great memories and experiences with the ex that I'll never forget, and its been bloody hard letting go.

Good luck OP, hope you come to some sort of amicable agreement for the kids sake. This is a great forum to post on, you will get some good advice, and as mentioned, there will be plenty here happy to listen on a private message.

[Rude-boy]

andyjo1982 said:

...though I invested a lot of my money from the sale towards what is now her future abroad. Our relationship was probably over nearly a year before it actually finished, but I wanted to do everything possible to keep it going...

I realise that this is a little off topic but this is something that I have seen happen many times with both women and men being the guilty/injured parties. One pays for the other to/whilst they are studying or set up a new business and as soon as the last brick is in place they drop the dumping bomb on the one who has made all this possible.

IMO it is almost the modern day equivalent of having a/another child to keep us together.

[Sym7]

andyjo1982 said:

Does your wife work OP? It'd be a little more understandable if she's a stay at home mum and doesn't see much of you. Perhaps there could be other underlying issues like depression etc if she's not doing much with her life.

Otherwise, I can only echo other comments made. I've just seen my 11 year relationship end a few months ago (perhaps we should form a club?). Fortunately, we'd already sold our house and no kids, though I invested a lot of my money from the sale towards what is now her future abroad. Our relationship was probably over nearly a year before it actually finished, but I wanted to do everything possible to keep it going. Having been split for nearly 10 weeks now, I've realised we were different people, with different intrests and little in common. I have some great memories and experiences with the ex that I'll never forget, and its been bloody hard letting go.

Good luck OP, hope you come to some sort of amicable agreement for the kids sake. This is a great forum to post on, you will get some good advice, and as mentioned, there will be plenty here happy to listen on a private message.

She hasn't worked for 9 years but given our financial challenges and the youngest of our kids now at school she took the opportunity to return to work. She started her job in August last year but I fear this is where she's had the opportunity to see how her colleagues lead their lives so differently to hers. She told me last night that she feels she's missed out on having fun and that she's feeling older than her years (She's 37 and I'm 46.....she was 20 and I was 29 when we met).

When she was spending time with other mums and doing coffees and cake she was with like minded people talking about all things kids. Now she's at work she's seeing and hearing completely different lives and I think she sees me as someone preventing her from having that life. How she thinks she'll get this as a single mother with three kids goodness only knows.

[andyjo1982]

Rude-boy said:

andyjo1982 said:

...though I invested a lot of my money from the sale towards what is now her future abroad. Our relationship was probably over nearly a year before it actually finished, but I wanted to do everything possible to keep it going...

I realise that this is a little off topic but this is something that I have seen happen many times with both women and men being the guilty/injured parties. One pays for the other to/whilst they are studying or set up a new business and as soon as the last brick is in place they drop the dumping bomb on the one who has made all this possible.

IMO it is almost the modern day equivalent of having a/another child to keep us together.

To be fair, I could've walked away a year ago and still kept my money and assetts as such. Long story short, we were due to emigrate to Oz in December 12, we went over and I last 2 months before coming home. However, I'd already help her clear her credit card debt, pay for flights and pay for our belongings to be exported, thats on top of paying for my own flights and spending money. The figures I'm talking about are a lot lower than what OP's dealing with. But so were our salaries. I don't think it was a plan to squeeze all the cash she could out of me, and she didn;t have anyone else lined up to replace me, as she's in a completely different country.

Just too many issues between us that we struggled to come to agreement about. I think we're both a lot happier without each other now...

[FWDRacer]

ZOLLAR said:

Veeayt said:

My bet would be that she has someone on side already. Been there, done that. Women are like monkeys, they swing from tree to tree without letting the first go before they have a firm hold of the next.

Amen to that.

My betting is that the next life raft is richer.

Do not move out. You will lose all leverage / bargaining on the whole situation moving out.

Edited by FWDRacer on Monday 22 April 15:26

[BlueEyedBoy]

Has the regularity of your bedroom acrobatics taken a big hit, normally it's a sign its over or you have gotten too old...

Sounds though like she has seen the grass is greener again now she is not cooped up at home. Probably is or will have an affair, and work out its either not (stay with you and it will improve) or leave you (she already has had or is having one)

[Rude-boy]

andyjo1982 said:

To be fair, I could've walked away...

Sorry, wasn't saying that this was all part of some big evil scheme she suckered you into (although I have seen people obviously bled dry and then dropped like a hot coal). More that these days instead of the "We'll have a baby, that will bring us together" idea people seem to be keener on the "I'll go back to Uni/start a business” solution as if it doesn’t work there isn’t something else to tie you together for another 18+ years.

OP – The grass is greener for your lady by the sounds of it then. Honestly you need to think how far you are willing to tow the line on this. I would suggest that within 6 months of having this new life she will start to realise what she just threw in the stter, you just need to decide if you want to be there to pick the pieces back up.

[andyjo1982]

Rude-boy said:

OP – The grass is greener for your lady by the sounds of it then. Honestly you need to think how far you are willing to tow the line on this. I would suggest that within 6 months of having this new life she will start to realise what she just threw in the stter, you just need to decide if you want to be there to pick the pieces back up.

This is what I wanted to say, but struggled to word it correctly.

[Twincam16]

King Herald said:

Ahem, £3000 a MONTH in school fees????? Why not put the kids in normal schools and live a normal life. I'm pretty sure you would feel and be a lot more relaxed and easy to live with without having to stump up all that cabbage every month.

I suspect either the OP or his OH went to a fee-paying school themselves.

I've found that if one or the other went they won't countenance the thought of sending their own kids to a state school, and it'll be a relationship-breaker if they aren't.

[B17NNS]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

'fraid so.

[andymadmak]

Sym7 said:

She hasn't worked for 9 years but given our financial challenges and the youngest of our kids now at school she took the opportunity to return to work. She started her job in August last year but I fear this is where she's had the opportunity to see how her colleagues lead their lives so differently to hers. She told me last night that she feels she's missed out on having fun and that she's feeling older than her years (She's 37 and I'm 46.....she was 20 and I was 29 when we met).

When she was spending time with other mums and doing coffees and cake she was with like minded people talking about all things kids. Now she's at work she's seeing and hearing completely different lives and I think she sees me as someone preventing her from having that life. How she thinks she'll get this as a single mother with three kids goodness only knows.

I don't wish to sound harsh, but this boils my wee wee. You flogged your guts out to keep a roof over her and the childrens heads, and to provide the kind of lifestyle that you felt they deserved. She finally goes back to work (what was the point of the nursery fees?) and now thinks others have a more glam lifestyle cos her old man is knackered and irritable from struggling to keep it all together financially? Missed out on having fun? And I suppose YOU were having a whale of a time, living it up large whilst you were working towards your first heart attack?
Do NOT leave the house. I did, and I regret it. If she wants out tell her to find her own place. Oh, and you want to keep the kids. After all, they will only cramp her style when she wants to go partayyyyy.
Fight man, fight and remind her that it's you who has made the sacrifices to date. Good luck.

[Rude-boy]

Andy I have to say that I don't think that she actually cares about what happens to him or what he has done for her. Read my first post on this topic if you haven't. 'Worse' she was older than me and it was me that missed out on the mid to late twenties whilst killing myself to feather our joint nest for the future.

As soon as they (male or female) believe the grass is greener all you can do is chose if you want to be taken for a ride you may enjoy at the end or eject.

Edited by Rude-boy on Monday 22 April 15:40