Never thought this would happen to me...
Discussion
andymadmak said:
I don't wish to sound harsh, but this boils my wee wee. You flogged your guts out to keep a roof over her and the childrens heads, and to provide the kind of lifestyle that you felt they deserved. She finally goes back to work (what was the point of the nursery fees?) and now thinks others have a more glam lifestyle cos her old man is knackered and irritable from struggling to keep it all together financially? Missed out on having fun? And I suppose YOU were having a whale of a time, living it up large whilst you were working towards your first heart attack?
Do NOT leave the house. I did, and I regret it. If she wants out tell her to find her own place. Oh, and you want to keep the kids. After all, they will only cramp her style when she wants to go partayyyyy.
Fight man, fight and remind her that it's you who has made the sacrifices to date. Good luck.
Great post! Do NOT leave the house. I did, and I regret it. If she wants out tell her to find her own place. Oh, and you want to keep the kids. After all, they will only cramp her style when she wants to go partayyyyy.
Fight man, fight and remind her that it's you who has made the sacrifices to date. Good luck.
I can offer you no advice OP, but you have my sincerest best wishes and a "good luck" for the future.
Right, been here too I'm afraid (and wife left 18 months ago - I kept the kids and stayed in the house and things are good). Would agree with almost all the advice here. She is almost inevitably having an affair. Having returned back to work she is hanging out with divorcees/singletons who appear to be having a great time and wants some of that. She will NOT make a good single mum. Do not under any circumstances leave the house! If the wife wants to leave or move into the spare room that's her choice - you stay put OP.
Get legal advice. Get her mobile whilst she's asleep and have a proper scan through that. If you have joint bank accounts stop paying into them IMMEDIATELY! She WILL empty whatever accounts she can so put a stop to that (either empty them yourself or preferably change accounts to require 2 signatures). Stop any joint credit cards.
Oh, and forget private schooling - time to move the kids I'm afraid.
All the best to you - it'll work out.
Get legal advice. Get her mobile whilst she's asleep and have a proper scan through that. If you have joint bank accounts stop paying into them IMMEDIATELY! She WILL empty whatever accounts she can so put a stop to that (either empty them yourself or preferably change accounts to require 2 signatures). Stop any joint credit cards.
Oh, and forget private schooling - time to move the kids I'm afraid.
All the best to you - it'll work out.
Aww man. I hate these threads.
I've been through it, as it clearly appears from the brilliant advice on this thread, that others have too.
It's like reading a summary biography that i went though over the last few years.
KEY POINTS, (others have made that i wish to re-iterate)
1. DO NOT MOVE OUT
2. There will be another man
3. It is a lost cause, hence your entire focus should be on YOUR financial security. (not the kids, as you will provide for them from YOUR security). Do not cede anything to her when she talks about providing for the kids. You will control the kid's security, so look after yourself first. YOUR FINANCIAL SECURITY.
Anything you can do now, (squirrel cash away, overpay bills to leave credit in places she won't consider, etc), you will appreciate this in the future when you find out you're paying for the kids whilst she's spending her income on holidays with her new boyfriend.
So, in due course, when lawyers start talking about divorce (and yes, she'll already have seen a lawyer), you should not let her divorce you on grounds of unreasonable behavior. even when she says "it's just the easiest way to get the paperwork completed", etc). Wait until she confesses about the other man and the divorce her for adultery.
this is the only thing that will remind her conscience, when she's meeting with her lawyers who will be egging her on to "go for more", to say no.
Chin up, good luck.
They're (mostly) all the same. Utter b
hes.
I've been through it, as it clearly appears from the brilliant advice on this thread, that others have too.
It's like reading a summary biography that i went though over the last few years.
KEY POINTS, (others have made that i wish to re-iterate)
1. DO NOT MOVE OUT
2. There will be another man
3. It is a lost cause, hence your entire focus should be on YOUR financial security. (not the kids, as you will provide for them from YOUR security). Do not cede anything to her when she talks about providing for the kids. You will control the kid's security, so look after yourself first. YOUR FINANCIAL SECURITY.
Anything you can do now, (squirrel cash away, overpay bills to leave credit in places she won't consider, etc), you will appreciate this in the future when you find out you're paying for the kids whilst she's spending her income on holidays with her new boyfriend.
So, in due course, when lawyers start talking about divorce (and yes, she'll already have seen a lawyer), you should not let her divorce you on grounds of unreasonable behavior. even when she says "it's just the easiest way to get the paperwork completed", etc). Wait until she confesses about the other man and the divorce her for adultery.
this is the only thing that will remind her conscience, when she's meeting with her lawyers who will be egging her on to "go for more", to say no.
Chin up, good luck.
They're (mostly) all the same. Utter b
hes. mikefacel said:
Oh, and forget private schooling - time to move the kids I'm afraid.
Was with you until here.I would suggest that this is very much the wrong move. Perhaps it should be considered but certainly over the next few months no hard decisions should be made - Those poor kids are about to enter a s
t stom the like of which they have never seen before and the last thing they need is another variable to deal with. Okay if the OP is strapped then maybe at the end of the Summer Term (most require at least 1 term's notice anyway) but I would have thought keeping them there is the best thing for them.andymadmak said:
Sym7 said:
She hasn't worked for 9 years but given our financial challenges and the youngest of our kids now at school she took the opportunity to return to work. She started her job in August last year but I fear this is where she's had the opportunity to see how her colleagues lead their lives so differently to hers. She told me last night that she feels she's missed out on having fun and that she's feeling older than her years (She's 37 and I'm 46.....she was 20 and I was 29 when we met).
When she was spending time with other mums and doing coffees and cake she was with like minded people talking about all things kids. Now she's at work she's seeing and hearing completely different lives and I think she sees me as someone preventing her from having that life. How she thinks she'll get this as a single mother with three kids goodness only knows.
I don't wish to sound harsh, but this boils my wee wee. You flogged your guts out to keep a roof over her and the childrens heads, and to provide the kind of lifestyle that you felt they deserved. She finally goes back to work (what was the point of the nursery fees?) and now thinks others have a more glam lifestyle cos her old man is knackered and irritable from struggling to keep it all together financially? Missed out on having fun? And I suppose YOU were having a whale of a time, living it up large whilst you were working towards your first heart attack? When she was spending time with other mums and doing coffees and cake she was with like minded people talking about all things kids. Now she's at work she's seeing and hearing completely different lives and I think she sees me as someone preventing her from having that life. How she thinks she'll get this as a single mother with three kids goodness only knows.
Do NOT leave the house. I did, and I regret it. If she wants out tell her to find her own place. Oh, and you want to keep the kids. After all, they will only cramp her style when she wants to go partayyyyy.
Fight man, fight and remind her that it's you who has made the sacrifices to date. Good luck.
Tell her you've had a think, and you want her to sling her ungrateful hook, right now. Tell her to f
k of to a travelodge. Hoof her up the clacker if you need to get your point accross. What an ungrateful b
h. 9 fking years of watching trisha, then she does 7 months graft and gets to tell you how it's going to be. Ffs.
Twincam16 said:
King Herald said:
Ahem, £3000 a MONTH in school fees????? Why not put the kids in normal schools and live a normal life. I'm pretty sure you would feel and be a lot more relaxed and easy to live with without having to stump up all that cabbage every month.
I suspect either the OP or his OH went to a fee-paying school themselves.I've found that if one or the other went they won't countenance the thought of sending their own kids to a state school, and it'll be a relationship-breaker if they aren't.
Rude-boy said:
Was with you until here. At least plan on the kids going to state secondary school so that the cost goes down after they start hitting 11 (may not be wise to tell wife that yet, best get advice of lawyer).
I would suggest that this is very much the wrong move. Perhaps it should be considered but certainly over the next few months no hard decisions should be made - Those poor kids are about to enter a st stom the like of which they have never seen before and the last thing they need is another variable to deal with. Okay if the OP is strapped then maybe at the end of the Summer Term (most require at least 1 term's notice anyway) but I would have thought keeping them there is the best thing for them.
Fair point, although I did mean at the end of the school year, or at least plan on putting them in state secondary when they start hitting 11 - things will have settled in their home lives by then.I would suggest that this is very much the wrong move. Perhaps it should be considered but certainly over the next few months no hard decisions should be made - Those poor kids are about to enter a s
t stom the like of which they have never seen before and the last thing they need is another variable to deal with. Okay if the OP is strapped then maybe at the end of the Summer Term (most require at least 1 term's notice anyway) but I would have thought keeping them there is the best thing for them.On a more positive note, and thinking of the kids, I found this book excellent on how to handle divorce/separation with children: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Its-No-Big-Deal-Really/dp/... .I also bought my ex a copy and we've been sticking to it and it's been the best thing we could do - kids have come through it really well (first 6 months were hell, but they've been very settled for a year now). It basically says don't diss the other partner in front of kids, kids must see you both still make decisions in their interests together.
Edited by mikefacel on Monday 22 April 18:25
Edited by mikefacel on Monday 22 April 18:26
Rude-boy said:
mikefacel said:
Oh, and forget private schooling - time to move the kids I'm afraid.
Was with you until here.I would suggest that this is very much the wrong move. Perhaps it should be considered but certainly over the next few months no hard decisions should be made - Those poor kids are about to enter a s
t stom the like of which they have never seen before and the last thing they need is another variable to deal with. Okay if the OP is strapped then maybe at the end of the Summer Term (most require at least 1 term's notice anyway) but I would have thought keeping them there is the best thing for them.Lots of people have said its over, it might be, it might not be...who knows. Just remain civil, compliant and pleasant if possible and it will pay off in the long run. It's all about looking at the potential impact of every comment, or action you take before making it to make sure you are I'm the best position in the long run, regardless of what may or may not be going on. It's the long game, hence my earlier comment relating to chess.
From the sounds of things you have been very rational so far and honest with yourself, good job. Continue to consider all advice given by members on here to ensure you are as prepared for each eventuality as you can be.
Ok, I'm going to come at this from a different angle, mainly because I don't think anyone else has.
To be clear, I don't have much experience with breakups and it seems lots of you do.
But. From what OP has said, his wife just Feels down and unloved. Women need to feel emotionally attached. You admit you have neglected her and that's not all your fault as you've been breaking your back for the family.
Is this not the time to fight for your marriage? You say you still love her. Prove it. It may not work but she is your wife.
I've known couples go through this, after affairs and pull through.
Is it worth fighting. Proving your madly in love with her?
Maybe not. Like I say I have little experience myself.
To be clear, I don't have much experience with breakups and it seems lots of you do.
But. From what OP has said, his wife just Feels down and unloved. Women need to feel emotionally attached. You admit you have neglected her and that's not all your fault as you've been breaking your back for the family.
Is this not the time to fight for your marriage? You say you still love her. Prove it. It may not work but she is your wife.
I've known couples go through this, after affairs and pull through.
Is it worth fighting. Proving your madly in love with her?
Maybe not. Like I say I have little experience myself.
rufusgti said:
Ok, I'm going to come at this from a different angle, mainly because I don't think anyone else has.
To be clear, I don't have much experience with breakups and it seems lots of you do.
But. From what OP has said, his wife just Feels down and unloved. Women need to feel emotionally attached. You admit you have neglected her and that's not all your fault as you've been breaking your back for the family.
Is this not the time to fight for your marriage? You say you still love her. Prove it. It may not work but she is your wife.
I've known couples go through this, after affairs and pull through.
Is it worth fighting. Proving your madly in love with her?
Maybe not. Like I say I have little experience myself.
This is how I feel to be honest. It's just that the door seems completely closed at the moment. I'm not planning on doing anything just yet other than be very civil and make home life as comfortable for the kids as possible. I'm hoping we can take things forward rationally and if there's a re-discovery of what I mean to her then great. If not, then I have to accept it. It'll be tough but sTo be clear, I don't have much experience with breakups and it seems lots of you do.
But. From what OP has said, his wife just Feels down and unloved. Women need to feel emotionally attached. You admit you have neglected her and that's not all your fault as you've been breaking your back for the family.
Is this not the time to fight for your marriage? You say you still love her. Prove it. It may not work but she is your wife.
I've known couples go through this, after affairs and pull through.
Is it worth fighting. Proving your madly in love with her?
Maybe not. Like I say I have little experience myself.
t happens. I just never thought it would happen to me. She means the world to me. I'm not going to claim I'll change.....I am what I am and that is a pretty decent bloke who apparently is her 'best friend'. If something rekindles again because we're communicating then I'm happy. I would certainly go for the counselling route, but manage your own expectations that it may well be a forlorn hope - however always better to be able to yourself and the children later that you tried too hard rather than not hard enough.
Set up some "rules of engagement" covering how youll behave, especially wrt the children, with her now whilst its amicable.
Assuming you want joint custody of the children, lay off all reference to working excessive hours and start to manage the "mood music" about how your new job gives you more time and money to be a joint parent.
As others have said DO NOT move out of the house. As she has been running the family finances, get that back off her pronto - be prepared to discover that she's squirrelled away a nice little nest-egg for herself. You won't ever get any of that back - sorry.
Get a good family solicitor hired pronto. If you live in a rural area/small town, hire the best one ASAP - then she can't use them.
Position EVERYTHING as you doing the best for the children and how reasonable you are. Be prepared for her to tell her solicitors/the courts outrageous lies about you without a blush. Don't rise to it
Tell the school ASAP - they will help the children adjust and may even be flexible on fees for a bit
good luck - for you all.
Set up some "rules of engagement" covering how youll behave, especially wrt the children, with her now whilst its amicable.
Assuming you want joint custody of the children, lay off all reference to working excessive hours and start to manage the "mood music" about how your new job gives you more time and money to be a joint parent.
As others have said DO NOT move out of the house. As she has been running the family finances, get that back off her pronto - be prepared to discover that she's squirrelled away a nice little nest-egg for herself. You won't ever get any of that back - sorry.
Get a good family solicitor hired pronto. If you live in a rural area/small town, hire the best one ASAP - then she can't use them.
Position EVERYTHING as you doing the best for the children and how reasonable you are. Be prepared for her to tell her solicitors/the courts outrageous lies about you without a blush. Don't rise to it
Tell the school ASAP - they will help the children adjust and may even be flexible on fees for a bit
good luck - for you all.
Sym7 said:
.......Now she's at work she's seeing and hearing completely different lives and I think she sees me as someone preventing her from having that life. How she thinks she'll get this as a single mother with three kids goodness only knows.
Those women at work have undoubtedly told her how perfect their lives are, how much sex they get, how much spending money they have etc. They have also neglected to mention any down side, any problems, and the usual worries and strife of married life. That starts to come out when friendships get a lot deeper and more personal.
When we lived in England my wife started working, started seeing the new cars her workmates were driving, started hearing about their great lives, loving partners, started getting big ideas.....but it was much later on she started hearing about the unpaid credit cards, the letters from the bank, the missing mortgage payments, the personal problems with husbands etc. A lot of women hate to see other women being happy.
Sym7 said:
This is how I feel to be honest. It's just that the door seems completely closed at the moment. I'm not planning on doing anything just yet other than be very civil and make home life as comfortable for the kids as possible. I'm hoping we can take things forward rationally and if there's a re-discovery of what I mean to her then great. If not, then I have to accept it. It'll be tough but st happens. I just never thought it would happen to me. She means the world to me. I'm not going to claim I'll change.....I am what I am and that is a pretty decent bloke who apparently is her 'best friend'. If something rekindles again because we're communicating then I'm happy.
This is always brought out on these threads, but have you sat down yet to have a proper heart to heart talk and find out where you both stand?t happens. I just never thought it would happen to me. She means the world to me. I'm not going to claim I'll change.....I am what I am and that is a pretty decent bloke who apparently is her 'best friend'. If something rekindles again because we're communicating then I'm happy. It all sounds a bit sudden to me, how out of the blue she comes up with getting divorced. Did she never hint that she needed more attention, or bring it up that you were not around enough?
If she's bored of having a 'best friend', then you're going to have to either adapt to the situation, or let her walk away. Prove to her that you care about what she wants out of a relationship, more than just being Mr. safe daddy. Adapting your character a bit to stay relevant is not a bad thing (providing its done in a dignified way), but stubbornly not changing it, is, in my opinion.
But most of all just talk to her and find out what is really going on. To me, it sounds like there is some hope left based on what you have written, namely because it sounds like there is a clear lack of communication that may be able to be bridged. Get ready to listen, and shut your mouth without even uttering one decibel of an argument - just listen.
And if after all that she genuinely does want to just split up without trying, whilst you have young kids who would greatly benefit from growing up in a stable, loving family environment, then let her walk away. She wouldn't be worth it.
Edited by Shay HTFC on Tuesday 23 April 02:55
Sym7 said:
rufusgti said:
Ok, I'm going to come at this from a different angle,
This is how I feel to be honest. It's just that the door seems completely closed at the moment. I'm not planning on doing anything just yet other than be very civil and make home life as comfortable for the kids as possible. I'm hoping we can take things forward rationally and if there's a re-discovery of what I mean to her then great. If not, then I have to accept it. It'll be tough but st happens. I just never thought it would happen to me. She means the world to me. I'm not going to claim I'll change.....I am what I am and that is a pretty decent bloke who apparently is her 'best friend'. If something rekindles again because we're communicating then I'm happy. I think it's very clear that a lot of the posters are bitter about their experiences and their advice to cut your losses now and to throw the "b
h" out is overly harsh and disparaging.You would be unwise not to seek professional divorce advice, you would be extremely unwise to move out and you would be unwise not to mentally prepare yourself for the possibility that the worst could happen. All of this is not disputed. However only a few posters are advocating that you fight to save your marriage.
The odds may be stacked against you but you have not lost yet, you may or may not still have the opportunity to pull this back from the brink. Your problem is, at this stage you do not know if your wife is being honest about her reasons. We can tell you about our experiences, and the experiences of our acquaintances - do not make the mistake of assuming that your situation is the same.
Off topic: when the hell did PH become dadsnet anyway?
s3fella said:
He's right. All this namby pamby stuff about playing fair for the kids is bs.
Tell her you've had a think, and you want her to sling her ungrateful hook, right now. Tell her to fk of to a travelodge. Hoof her up the clacker if you need to get your point accross.
What an ungrateful bh. 9 fking years of watching trisha, then she does 7 months graft and gets to tell you how it's going to be.
Ffs.
Dadsnet at its finest. Tell her you've had a think, and you want her to sling her ungrateful hook, right now. Tell her to f
k of to a travelodge. Hoof her up the clacker if you need to get your point accross. What an ungrateful b
h. 9 fking years of watching trisha, then she does 7 months graft and gets to tell you how it's going to be. Ffs.
OP, don't be a pushover, don't believe her BS. She's been planning this for months and has dropped it on you knowing you'll react in a certain 'nice guy' manner. DON'T.
Tell her do do one, lob out her stuff, change the locks and see how she feels when she's forced to either live in a hotel or fess up and go and shack up with her new fella, which I am afraid to say, I agree she already has lined up. But the reality of a hotel or a cosy house belonging to her new beau will mean you'll find out pretty soon what he lying cow's been up to!
Just my 2p and answer the OP
Yes trial separations can work
Basically due to the onslaught of daily life, repercussions of financial problems, becoming distant to each other, not talking etc, etc, we split last year
Cut a long story short, kept in contact fairly regularly and after 6-7 months we realised we missed each other and we got back together
Will have spent 20yrs married next month and things are good. We dont confess undying love every day but simply enjoy our time together
OP - take all the views here onboard but ultimately every situation is different and IMO you owe it to yourself, your kids and her to make every effort. Life is not easy and its not what happens but how you deal with it that matters!!
Yes trial separations can work
Basically due to the onslaught of daily life, repercussions of financial problems, becoming distant to each other, not talking etc, etc, we split last year
Cut a long story short, kept in contact fairly regularly and after 6-7 months we realised we missed each other and we got back together
Will have spent 20yrs married next month and things are good. We dont confess undying love every day but simply enjoy our time together
OP - take all the views here onboard but ultimately every situation is different and IMO you owe it to yourself, your kids and her to make every effort. Life is not easy and its not what happens but how you deal with it that matters!!
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