Never thought this would happen to me...
Discussion
Got to agree with a few of the people on here, you need to play it tough.
She has already decided that she wants out and there is very little you can do to change that. Even if you did manage to patch your marriage up, it has already been said now and will be constantly hanging over you. Very few people get back on track after a split, it causes too much damage.
I suggest playing it cool. Agree to the trial separation (it is permanent, even if the word 'trial' is used initally) and plan ahead. Don't move out of the house. Don't cry/moan/sob/beg her to reconsider; you'll look like a t
t and, as much as women claim they like their men to be in touch with their emotions, they hate seeing grown men look weak.
OP, she will more than likely be seeing someone else. Prepare yourself for this, but do not react to it. You need to focus on cutting this a cleanly as possible whilst minimising disruption to the kids and protecting yourself.
I suggest a few nights out on the lash with some mates. Embrace the freedom. Nine times out of ten, when a women realises that her ex is getting on with his ife and enjoying it, she suddenly wants to sort things out. If this does happen, I suggest you reject it. Most don't and this all happens again in a few years time.
Good luck OP.
She has already decided that she wants out and there is very little you can do to change that. Even if you did manage to patch your marriage up, it has already been said now and will be constantly hanging over you. Very few people get back on track after a split, it causes too much damage.
I suggest playing it cool. Agree to the trial separation (it is permanent, even if the word 'trial' is used initally) and plan ahead. Don't move out of the house. Don't cry/moan/sob/beg her to reconsider; you'll look like a t
t and, as much as women claim they like their men to be in touch with their emotions, they hate seeing grown men look weak.OP, she will more than likely be seeing someone else. Prepare yourself for this, but do not react to it. You need to focus on cutting this a cleanly as possible whilst minimising disruption to the kids and protecting yourself.
I suggest a few nights out on the lash with some mates. Embrace the freedom. Nine times out of ten, when a women realises that her ex is getting on with his ife and enjoying it, she suddenly wants to sort things out. If this does happen, I suggest you reject it. Most don't and this all happens again in a few years time.
Good luck OP.
Unfortunately OP, a "trial separation" in woman-speak is usually "I want to see how it goes with my new man, but have you as a safety net in case it all goes tits-up".
Sorry. The fact she never discussed anything with you before dropping this on you means there's much more than she's telling you. Get rid and move on.
Sorry. The fact she never discussed anything with you before dropping this on you means there's much more than she's telling you. Get rid and move on.
I don’t think that I have made my thoughts on the idea of a trial separation clear but just to avoid any doubt in where I come from.
It is all part of her plan.
She will be giving you all the hope and indications in the world that she is sure that you will be able to work things out and it will only be for a few months, just like when you first met and you can fall in love all over again. This is unlikely to happen in the extreme.
What she wants is you out the house with minimal fuss so that she holds all the cards, can run the show and, I suspect, direct the children and their attitudes and thoughts to her way of thinking.
She is a strong woman who has raised three children (with the help of a nanny) and who is now a powerful working mum (since August she is obviously indispensable to her employer, the promotion path is clear and she will only need a few £k per month from you to prove just how liberated and independent she has become) and God damn it she just doesn’t need you and your problems getting in the way of her fun.
I and many other posters might be totally wrong on this point but prepare for and guard against the worst and anything else is a bonus.
It is all part of her plan.
She will be giving you all the hope and indications in the world that she is sure that you will be able to work things out and it will only be for a few months, just like when you first met and you can fall in love all over again. This is unlikely to happen in the extreme.
What she wants is you out the house with minimal fuss so that she holds all the cards, can run the show and, I suspect, direct the children and their attitudes and thoughts to her way of thinking.
She is a strong woman who has raised three children (with the help of a nanny) and who is now a powerful working mum (since August she is obviously indispensable to her employer, the promotion path is clear and she will only need a few £k per month from you to prove just how liberated and independent she has become) and God damn it she just doesn’t need you and your problems getting in the way of her fun.
I and many other posters might be totally wrong on this point but prepare for and guard against the worst and anything else is a bonus.
Sorry to hear about this OP... one of my mates went through the trial separation thing. He was in denial expecting things to patch up so always kept a positive outlook whilst separated (he moved out in a nearby rented flat). However this was just all a plan to get the most of the divorce. He lost his house and also had minimal contact with kids while still paying basically all expenses while his ex is now bunkered up with another man in the house he is still paying for. The new man of course on paper and officially only became friends AFTER the trial separation.
I'm not saying this is the case with your missus OP but please thread carefully here OP. Best of luck!
I'm not saying this is the case with your missus OP but please thread carefully here OP. Best of luck!
Twincam16 said:
King Herald said:
Ahem, £3000 a MONTH in school fees????? Why not put the kids in normal schools and live a normal life. I'm pretty sure you would feel and be a lot more relaxed and easy to live with without having to stump up all that cabbage every month.
I suspect either the OP or his OH went to a fee-paying school themselves.I've found that if one or the other went they won't countenance the thought of sending their own kids to a state school, and it'll be a relationship-breaker if they aren't.
OP.
I truly hope you can resolve this. Its going to be difficult.
These threads (and the alarming regularity with which they appear) are horrible to read. We are without question, on your side and given the past experience many of us have had there will be a contingent of posters pointing to the regular patterns that are followed in these situations, and of course the "SWTs", "all women are bhes", etc etc which paint your wife to be pure evil. I am sure not all women are the same, despite the similarities in experiences posted on here (sadly my experience wasnt good either so i am trying to be balanced here).
With the above in mind - You clearly want to reconcile things with your wife. You clearly still hold a lot of love for her. I dont think you necessarily need to start regarding your wife in the context many posters are describing - she might not have another bloke, she might not have been heading this way for a while, and this might all be tragic but innocent, it might all be able to be handled amicably etc. ....
BUT - For your own sake you absolutely MUST start to put some contingencies in place to protect yourself emotionally and financially (and by protecting yourself you will be protecting your children) just in case this doesnt pan out amicably. Regardless of whether you can reconcile this, or conversly shes turns out to be a class A SWT who has taken you for a ride - try to seperate the two routes, on the one hand by all means contemplate and try if possible to reconcile but make sure you are planning for the contingency of it not happening, this includes first and foremost: staying in the marital home. Try to think about this in unbiased terms - consider the facts and think what advice you would give a stranger coming to you with the same story you have described, pick through the advice in this thread and disregarding the vitriol pick out the pieces of wisdom which make sense. Without malice and as calmly as you can start to put in place a course of action you can follow in case this turns sour.
Good luck.
R.
ps - even when trying to be unbiased, I really dont like the sound of someone male or female who 1) doesnt broach the subject of relationship problems with you and jumps straight to "lets get a divorce" however candy coated it might be phrased, and 2) cant see that allowing someone to provide for their family and themselves for so long comes with a cost to a relationship - which should be talked about, not simply cited as "we never see you anymore". It smacks of selfishness.
I truly hope you can resolve this. Its going to be difficult.
These threads (and the alarming regularity with which they appear) are horrible to read. We are without question, on your side and given the past experience many of us have had there will be a contingent of posters pointing to the regular patterns that are followed in these situations, and of course the "SWTs", "all women are b
hes", etc etc which paint your wife to be pure evil. I am sure not all women are the same, despite the similarities in experiences posted on here (sadly my experience wasnt good either so i am trying to be balanced here). With the above in mind - You clearly want to reconcile things with your wife. You clearly still hold a lot of love for her. I dont think you necessarily need to start regarding your wife in the context many posters are describing - she might not have another bloke, she might not have been heading this way for a while, and this might all be tragic but innocent, it might all be able to be handled amicably etc. ....
BUT - For your own sake you absolutely MUST start to put some contingencies in place to protect yourself emotionally and financially (and by protecting yourself you will be protecting your children) just in case this doesnt pan out amicably. Regardless of whether you can reconcile this, or conversly shes turns out to be a class A SWT who has taken you for a ride - try to seperate the two routes, on the one hand by all means contemplate and try if possible to reconcile but make sure you are planning for the contingency of it not happening, this includes first and foremost: staying in the marital home. Try to think about this in unbiased terms - consider the facts and think what advice you would give a stranger coming to you with the same story you have described, pick through the advice in this thread and disregarding the vitriol pick out the pieces of wisdom which make sense. Without malice and as calmly as you can start to put in place a course of action you can follow in case this turns sour.
Good luck.
R.
ps - even when trying to be unbiased, I really dont like the sound of someone male or female who 1) doesnt broach the subject of relationship problems with you and jumps straight to "lets get a divorce" however candy coated it might be phrased, and 2) cant see that allowing someone to provide for their family and themselves for so long comes with a cost to a relationship - which should be talked about, not simply cited as "we never see you anymore". It smacks of selfishness.
As M@verick says, go now, not next week, & get some legal & financial advice.
I have known far too many men living in some bloody dreadful bed sitter, driving a dreadful heap, after the ex loving wife has screwed him to the wall.
The fact you are paying for private school can be used against you, & you could find yourself still paying for the house, & the kids schooling, living on what ever little bit of personal pocket money you currently have.
I had a couple of mates who used to visit, & bring their ironing. They didn't get the iron, & couldn't afford to buy one. Yes it can get that bad, so watch it, before it happens to you.
I have known far too many men living in some bloody dreadful bed sitter, driving a dreadful heap, after the ex loving wife has screwed him to the wall.
The fact you are paying for private school can be used against you, & you could find yourself still paying for the house, & the kids schooling, living on what ever little bit of personal pocket money you currently have.
I had a couple of mates who used to visit, & bring their ironing. They didn't get the iron, & couldn't afford to buy one. Yes it can get that bad, so watch it, before it happens to you.
mister_ee said:
Has she got a sister?
Yes. She's a horrid person to the core. Nothing like my wife (my wife's lovely.....that's what makes this so difficult). I think she's at an inflection point (us blokes call it mid-life crisis). It's just that her actions could be so devastating on 4 other people's lives. I'm not sure if she completely understands just how much of an impact this whole thing will have.
She's got the psychiatrist appointment arranged now so I'm impressed she's doing that.....in my opinion that takes some guts!
rufusgti said:
Ok, I'm going to come at this from a different angle, mainly because I don't think anyone else has.
To be clear, I don't have much experience with breakups and it seems lots of you do.
But. From what OP has said, his wife just Feels down and unloved. Women need to feel emotionally attached. You admit you have neglected her and that's not all your fault as you've been breaking your back for the family.
Is this not the time to fight for your marriage? You say you still love her. Prove it. It may not work but she is your wife.
I've known couples go through this, after affairs and pull through.
Is it worth fighting. Proving your madly in love with her?
Maybe not. Like I say I have little experience myself.
Yes, logically, trying to work on it is the thing to do. But it could be that that should have happened a while ago and things have been dead for some time.To be clear, I don't have much experience with breakups and it seems lots of you do.
But. From what OP has said, his wife just Feels down and unloved. Women need to feel emotionally attached. You admit you have neglected her and that's not all your fault as you've been breaking your back for the family.
Is this not the time to fight for your marriage? You say you still love her. Prove it. It may not work but she is your wife.
I've known couples go through this, after affairs and pull through.
Is it worth fighting. Proving your madly in love with her?
Maybe not. Like I say I have little experience myself.
I speak from my recent experience of finding out that my long term girlfriend was cheating on me. It turned out that things were dead and not salvigeable by the point at which I found out, having been bad (from her end) for months. Had she told me much sooner that we were having problems then things could have been saved I am sure.
I guess that what I am saying is that it depends what point things are at if it can be saved or not. From what you've said I suspect that things were dead a while back, and that there is a good chance of there being another bloke.
Sym7 said:
Yes. She's a horrid person to the core. Nothing like my wife (my wife's lovely.....that's what makes this so difficult).
I think she's at an inflection point (us blokes call it mid-life crisis). It's just that her actions could be so devastating on 4 other people's lives. I'm not sure if she completely understands just how much of an impact this whole thing will have.
She's got the psychiatrist appointment arranged now so I'm impressed she's doing that.....in my opinion that takes some guts!
Christ, this rings a bell. I could have written that a couple of years ago. I think she's at an inflection point (us blokes call it mid-life crisis). It's just that her actions could be so devastating on 4 other people's lives. I'm not sure if she completely understands just how much of an impact this whole thing will have.
She's got the psychiatrist appointment arranged now so I'm impressed she's doing that.....in my opinion that takes some guts!
Your loyalty and devotion to your wife is admirable. Shame it doesn't go both ways. I split from my one and only true love of 12 years and supported her issues the whole way just like you are. It was only later that I found out the truth. If there is a trial separation then the trial is with her new life/partner and not you.
From my experience, if you want her back then stop enabling. Sooner or later she will come sniffing back when it falls to pieces.
I'm really sorry to be blunt and hope it works out best for you.
Why is it that men have no idea about women. They are not just men with a slightly different anatomy.
Their instinct tells them that having all their kids with the same genes is not a wise way to perpetuate hers. She should have kids with a range of genes, which requires different partners. This makes them not the monogamous branch of humanity that the male really is.
No the female is a serial monogamist, staying with a man long enough for his support to get a kid or 2 with his genes growing & healthy, then wanting some different genes for the next couple of kids. Some will stay with the first man, while acquiring some different genes elsewhere, some others move on, & others form a bond where the new genes are aquired, so move on.
This does show in the clothes they wear. They want dozens of very different dresses, & even more shoes. Look in their wardrobe. A bloke will wear the same stuff until too worn, & even then, replace it with something similar.
So sorry OP, you're finished with. She wants new genes, & perhaps a bit of new excitement. Get out as well as you can.
Their instinct tells them that having all their kids with the same genes is not a wise way to perpetuate hers. She should have kids with a range of genes, which requires different partners. This makes them not the monogamous branch of humanity that the male really is.
No the female is a serial monogamist, staying with a man long enough for his support to get a kid or 2 with his genes growing & healthy, then wanting some different genes for the next couple of kids. Some will stay with the first man, while acquiring some different genes elsewhere, some others move on, & others form a bond where the new genes are aquired, so move on.
This does show in the clothes they wear. They want dozens of very different dresses, & even more shoes. Look in their wardrobe. A bloke will wear the same stuff until too worn, & even then, replace it with something similar.
So sorry OP, you're finished with. She wants new genes, & perhaps a bit of new excitement. Get out as well as you can.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff