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Pagey, that is a truly inspiring story. I'm lying here in bed with tears streaming down my face. So good to hear a positive story like that and to hear that you're going to give the same opportunities to your nephew that your Dad gave to you.
I think that's the best post I've even seen on pistonheads.
I think that's the best post I've even seen on pistonheads.
Happiness and sadness in one post Pagey, how one sibling can escape the rollercoaster of their expected life and the other falls back into the trap.
I have two girls 11 and 8 both full blood siblings, we adopted the first when she was 2 and then when she was 5 we ended up adopting her 2 year old sister, their early years were identical, into care at 6 months old, 18 months in the system then cleared for adoption.
Only now do we know the damage that can be done in those first two years, its called "attachment disorder", kids who have no memory of their past at all are still saddled with the neglect they encountered in those early days, I truly hope my two have Pageys vision and strive to achieve, rather than becoming the damaged children of damaged children.
The one thing I would say is that to be a foster carer or an adopter first talk at length to people who have gone through the process in recent years, (and do this independently of social workers) the kids in the system have not been little orphan Annies for a long time now, they will turn your life upside down, and do that for the rest of your life. Be prepared for that, it is great to read of a success story though :-)
You need to be as certain kind of person to deal with it all, who I am not really, I admire massively those that selflessly are. Chatted with a wonderful lady recently who had brought up her own son on her own who had severe ADHD and Aspergers and kept him on the right track, then having done all that went on to foster kids with exactly the same issues once her son was a man. She has a place reserved in heaven already.
I have two girls 11 and 8 both full blood siblings, we adopted the first when she was 2 and then when she was 5 we ended up adopting her 2 year old sister, their early years were identical, into care at 6 months old, 18 months in the system then cleared for adoption.
Only now do we know the damage that can be done in those first two years, its called "attachment disorder", kids who have no memory of their past at all are still saddled with the neglect they encountered in those early days, I truly hope my two have Pageys vision and strive to achieve, rather than becoming the damaged children of damaged children.
The one thing I would say is that to be a foster carer or an adopter first talk at length to people who have gone through the process in recent years, (and do this independently of social workers) the kids in the system have not been little orphan Annies for a long time now, they will turn your life upside down, and do that for the rest of your life. Be prepared for that, it is great to read of a success story though :-)
You need to be as certain kind of person to deal with it all, who I am not really, I admire massively those that selflessly are. Chatted with a wonderful lady recently who had brought up her own son on her own who had severe ADHD and Aspergers and kept him on the right track, then having done all that went on to foster kids with exactly the same issues once her son was a man. She has a place reserved in heaven already.
Edited by PAUL500 on Saturday 1st August 14:31
Quite a thing to post that on the internet Pagey.
Glad to see you've broken the cycle and not followed the lifestyle your mum lead. Sad to see your sister has turned out the way she has, but that's all too common.
Sounds as if you got lucky and got a great family. There is some right good ones like that, that's what I think our family was like. You do get others that aren't. My family has a whole history of adoptions and my parents always felt they had to put something back in too.
Like you say, your family didn't do it for the money, many actually do. The kids don't get treated well at all and I know this really got to my parents at times.
The one that even I thought was wrong, kids would spend 50 weeks with a family, then when it came to the annual summer holiday they'd be sent away to respite care. People did actually view fostering as a job and had little relationship with the children in their care.
Even the foster carers weren't up to being decent parents, but I think there is too many allowances given with the dire shortage of people willing to home foster kids.
A lot of foster carers would also give up on a child at the first sign of trouble. I've no idea why so many thought the children would all be little darlings. Half the kids we had living with us had been passed around on a regular basis. They had no stability even when in the foster care system.
Many did turn their lives around. The army was also a common choice for the guys that left us.
We did find girls harder when in foster care. They certainly are more stubborn than guys. The other thing all the girls had in common was they were all sexually active way under age. I guess that stems from craving attention.
My mum and dad found this really difficult to deal with. However the other side of the coin was the amount of guys just willing to take advantage of a quite clearly mixed up underage girl. Not really sure I should offer those stories on the internet, but it really did prove how low some guys will stoop.
Foster care isn't going to be easy. The chances of getting a well behaved child isn't very good. You will be shocked at the things you will see and need to be prepared.
My parents really enjoyed doing it and are proud of the awards they received. They gave up a few years ago as they are too old. It's a tough and often a full time job.
Glad to see you've broken the cycle and not followed the lifestyle your mum lead. Sad to see your sister has turned out the way she has, but that's all too common.
Sounds as if you got lucky and got a great family. There is some right good ones like that, that's what I think our family was like. You do get others that aren't. My family has a whole history of adoptions and my parents always felt they had to put something back in too.
Like you say, your family didn't do it for the money, many actually do. The kids don't get treated well at all and I know this really got to my parents at times.
The one that even I thought was wrong, kids would spend 50 weeks with a family, then when it came to the annual summer holiday they'd be sent away to respite care. People did actually view fostering as a job and had little relationship with the children in their care.
Even the foster carers weren't up to being decent parents, but I think there is too many allowances given with the dire shortage of people willing to home foster kids.
A lot of foster carers would also give up on a child at the first sign of trouble. I've no idea why so many thought the children would all be little darlings. Half the kids we had living with us had been passed around on a regular basis. They had no stability even when in the foster care system.
Many did turn their lives around. The army was also a common choice for the guys that left us.
We did find girls harder when in foster care. They certainly are more stubborn than guys. The other thing all the girls had in common was they were all sexually active way under age. I guess that stems from craving attention.
My mum and dad found this really difficult to deal with. However the other side of the coin was the amount of guys just willing to take advantage of a quite clearly mixed up underage girl. Not really sure I should offer those stories on the internet, but it really did prove how low some guys will stoop.
Foster care isn't going to be easy. The chances of getting a well behaved child isn't very good. You will be shocked at the things you will see and need to be prepared.
My parents really enjoyed doing it and are proud of the awards they received. They gave up a few years ago as they are too old. It's a tough and often a full time job.
Edited by Driver101 on Saturday 1st August 16:34
Driver101 said:
Quite a thing to post that on the internet Pagey.
Glad to see you've broken the cycle and not followed the lifestyle your mum lead. Sad to see your sister has turned out the way she has, but that's all too common.
Glad to see you've broken the cycle and not followed the lifestyle your mum lead. Sad to see your sister has turned out the way she has, but that's all too common.
Driver101 said:
Sounds as if you got lucky and got a great family. There is some right good ones like that, that's what I think our family was like. You do get others that aren't. My family has a whole history of adoptions and my parents always felt they had to put something back in too.
Like you say, your family didn't do it for the money, many actually do. The kids don't get treated well at all and I know this really got to my parents at times.
I was indeed very lucky,initially myself and my sister were on a 'short term placement' that extended and extended when it became clear to Social Services that my 'mum' was never going to change. - Obviously this has been discovered in later years chatting over a beer with my Dad and over dinner with my Mum.Like you say, your family didn't do it for the money, many actually do. The kids don't get treated well at all and I know this really got to my parents at times.
One thing they never ever did was Bad Mouth my 'mum' to me at any time when I was a kid and they always knew where she was as the door was always open for her to visit.
Driver101 said:
The one that even I thought was wrong, kids would spend 50 weeks with a family, then when it came to the annual summer holiday they'd be sent away to respite care. People did actually view fostering as a job and had little relationship with the children in their care.
From the day I moved into my parents home I was never sent away elsewhere to give them any kind of break, Family holidays meant eaxctly that - we all went! Butlins/Pontins etc. Granted Dad didnt always come with us as 'he couldnt get the time off work' 
looking back It's fairly obvious that he had to work to keep paying the bills!Driver101 said:
Even the foster carers weren't up to being decent parents, but I think there is too many allowances given with the dire shortage of people willing to home foster kids.
A lot of foster carers would also give up on a child at the first sign of trouble. I've no idea why so many thought the children would all be little darlings. Half the kids we had living with us had been passed around on a regular basis. They had no stability even when in the foster care system.
i was never an angel myself and was apparently a 'little sA lot of foster carers would also give up on a child at the first sign of trouble. I've no idea why so many thought the children would all be little darlings. Half the kids we had living with us had been passed around on a regular basis. They had no stability even when in the foster care system.
tebag' at times, but perseverance won the day.As I grew up with my parents I saw several Kids come and go, I saw some nightmare kids both male and female drift in and out. My Parents did a bit of 'Emergency Placement' cover for a while where they could end up with a child arriving at a couple of hours notice.
I could tell some real horror stories of what my parents had to deal with.
I was home on leave midway through my army career and they had 2 teenage sisters staying with them on Emergency Placement (drink and drugs had been a factor in their lives) early one morning they went at it hammer and tongs in an all out fight about on coming onto the other ones boyfriend
this resulted in one grabbing a knife from the kitchen and chasing the other one round the dining table screaming all sorts of obsceneties and threats. I was snoring my head off upstairs when my door flew open and my kid brother panic stricken woke me "quick mum needs help, X has got a knife"Long story short I ended up taking the knife from her using a degree of force as she was waving it far too close to my Mum (who was trying to peacemake) for my liking
The Police & Social Services were swiftly called and they were removed that very day.
It later transpired that similar had happened elsewhere
However the Social Workers main concern was that I was in a state of undress (wearing a pair of boxers) when I took the knife from the girl. FFS!
Driver101 said:
Many did turn their lives around. The army was also a common choice for the guys that left us.
We did find girls harder when in foster care. They certainly are more stubborn than guys. The other thing all the girls had in common was they were all sexually active way under age. I guess that stems from craving attention.
My mum and dad found this really difficult to deal with. However the other side of the coin was the amount of guys just willing to take advantage of a quite clearly mixed up underage girl. Not really sure I should offer those stories on the internet, but it really did prove how low some guys will stoop.
Interestingly my parents said the same, and I do recall various incidents that they had to deal with relating to older boys/menWe did find girls harder when in foster care. They certainly are more stubborn than guys. The other thing all the girls had in common was they were all sexually active way under age. I guess that stems from craving attention.
My mum and dad found this really difficult to deal with. However the other side of the coin was the amount of guys just willing to take advantage of a quite clearly mixed up underage girl. Not really sure I should offer those stories on the internet, but it really did prove how low some guys will stoop.
Driver101 said:
Foster care isn't going to be easy. The chances of getting a well behaved child isn't very good. You will be shocked at the things you will see and need to be prepared.
Taking on someone elses child is never going to be easy, perceptions of a good or bad child will be vast and somewhat varied. Expect the unexpected and face each and every challenge as it comes.Could you do it???
You can only really answer that after trying
I think my parents managed for so long was despite being great parents, its probably because my Dad was a stubborn so and so and refused to be beaten, outsmarted or outmanouvered, this is something that has rubbed off on me.
I regards to my 'Nephew' everyone at the time, with the exception of my parents said I was mad to consider taking him on, I could never do it.........
My parents attitude was 'of course you can, you have grown up around kids all of your life, you have helped look after loads of kids over the years'
Driver101 said:
My parents really enjoyed doing it and are proud of the awards they received. They gave up a few years ago as they are too old. It's a tough and often a full time job.
Indeed it is!My parents did circa 25 years and had won a few awards and were quite highly regarded when they retired
Edited by Pagey on Saturday 1st August 19:01
Edited by Pagey on Saturday 1st August 19:04
Hi, just got in from an "on call" visit. Had to bring a little lad back (which is unusual) as he seemed intent on destroying everything and everyone...
Went in earlier today, took him out to give carers a breather, calmed everyone down, missed my grandmother's 91st birthday party, got home and sagged into the sofa. Half hour later (I'd have had a snooze if I'd known) and the phone rings again...
Anyway, he's flat out knackered in our spare room, the house does feel a bit more "complete" with one of them here, who knows what tomorrow will bring? Fun and games? Or "fun and games"!?!?!?
Went in earlier today, took him out to give carers a breather, calmed everyone down, missed my grandmother's 91st birthday party, got home and sagged into the sofa. Half hour later (I'd have had a snooze if I'd known) and the phone rings again...
Anyway, he's flat out knackered in our spare room, the house does feel a bit more "complete" with one of them here, who knows what tomorrow will bring? Fun and games? Or "fun and games"!?!?!?
I've only recently started working full time in the child protection side of work, and it breaks my heart how some parents conduct themselves. The kind of foster parents who are on call and drop everything in the middle of the night so we can bring a child around at 2am in the morning, knowing nothing about them, are angels. Very difficult thing to do, and people find it hard to fathom just how damaged children can be by such an early age.
I'm currently breathing a sigh of great relief about a young lad I visited with social workers a month or so ago. Initially didn't seem great cause for concern at the visit but after a chat about the previous history I made the tricky decision to remove him from his mum and bring him into protective care. Lovely, sweet but quiet lad who didn't say a word initially but from the developments since then it was absolutely the right thing to do.
I'm currently breathing a sigh of great relief about a young lad I visited with social workers a month or so ago. Initially didn't seem great cause for concern at the visit but after a chat about the previous history I made the tricky decision to remove him from his mum and bring him into protective care. Lovely, sweet but quiet lad who didn't say a word initially but from the developments since then it was absolutely the right thing to do.
Thankyou Pagey for giving us an insight to the other side of the foster care system. It clearly worked well for you as an individual as your parents were brilliant by the sounds of it. Im especially glad you did what you did for your nephew!
Its sad to think that outcomes like yours are only reflect a small percentage of the children who enter the foster care system.
Do you think children get put with certain 'non ideal' families to tick boxes? Or simply because they have nowhere else to go? Obviously I understand that the perfect foster families are few and far between.
Its sad to think that outcomes like yours are only reflect a small percentage of the children who enter the foster care system.
Do you think children get put with certain 'non ideal' families to tick boxes? Or simply because they have nowhere else to go? Obviously I understand that the perfect foster families are few and far between.
Vast majority of LAC just want to be with mum and dad, despite how mum and dad have treated them or neglected them...
So any placement is usually seen as less than ideal by a fostered child, resulting in the behaviour we see.
On a positive note, lad I have with me had a good day yesterday, thank the lord for a Tamiya monster truck!
See what today and tomorrow brings...
So any placement is usually seen as less than ideal by a fostered child, resulting in the behaviour we see.
On a positive note, lad I have with me had a good day yesterday, thank the lord for a Tamiya monster truck!
See what today and tomorrow brings...
Five days in with this little guy
Amazing how much damage PPP can cause. P#ss Poor Parenting. Speaking to a PCSO in the park (she was trying to engage some kids in a game of Cricket) and we have decided parents should be licensed!
Just heartbreaking what these kids aren't taught (tying shoes, blowing noses, cutting food with a knife and fork...)
I'd kind of forgotten about how they cheat and change rules when they're losing at something, because they've not been "taught" to lose with any dignity by playing family games, and how even at nine there is little sign of gratitude or even simple "please" and "thank you"
They mostly seem to have awful taste in music, although I suspect this has little to do with being in care or their parents, as I remember having similar conversations with my dad!!!
Amazing how much damage PPP can cause. P#ss Poor Parenting. Speaking to a PCSO in the park (she was trying to engage some kids in a game of Cricket) and we have decided parents should be licensed!
Just heartbreaking what these kids aren't taught (tying shoes, blowing noses, cutting food with a knife and fork...)
I'd kind of forgotten about how they cheat and change rules when they're losing at something, because they've not been "taught" to lose with any dignity by playing family games, and how even at nine there is little sign of gratitude or even simple "please" and "thank you"
They mostly seem to have awful taste in music, although I suspect this has little to do with being in care or their parents, as I remember having similar conversations with my dad!!!
Particular thanks to Pagey for your recent heartfelt posts, and also vx220 and also carreauchompeur for your posts on this thread...
I've recently applied to be a foster carer; this was delayed because of the fostering association's wish to pass the first anniversaries since my late wife's passing (and this was a Very Good Call with hindsight), but now the process has started. I also started a PGCE in 2008 (this was a shambles spread over quite a few years which isn't bad for a one year course
, but that's another story and I never taught under my own steam) so stories of kids willing to use knives etc isn't a surprise and I have reasonable "put them in their place" aka "the positive sandwich" techniques available to me 
.
I'm looking forward to having foster kids here, and making a difference in their lives - even if it is minute differences (which seems to be a point which previous posters haven't mentioned, though I am sure this is an oversight
, an inverse "death by a thousand cuts" 
if you like) - and taking it minute by minute with the poor blighters 
.
No matter what presents, I am like 'thrush'; that is, uncomfortable and persistent on behalf of - and in the best interest of - my clients (I know his doesn't sound right but I am sure you know what I mean? ).
PS There are some cracking posts on this thread - did I say this? - which bring out the very best of PH .
I've recently applied to be a foster carer; this was delayed because of the fostering association's wish to pass the first anniversaries since my late wife's passing (and this was a Very Good Call with hindsight), but now the process has started. I also started a PGCE in 2008 (this was a shambles spread over quite a few years which isn't bad for a one year course
, but that's another story and I never taught under my own steam) so stories of kids willing to use knives etc isn't a surprise and I have reasonable "put them in their place" aka "the positive sandwich" techniques available to me .I'm looking forward to having foster kids here, and making a difference in their lives - even if it is minute differences (which seems to be a point which previous posters haven't mentioned, though I am sure this is an oversight
, an inverse "death by a thousand cuts" if you like) - and taking it minute by minute with the poor blighters . No matter what presents, I am like 'thrush'; that is, uncomfortable and persistent on behalf of - and in the best interest of - my clients
(I know his doesn't sound right but I am sure you know what I mean? ).PS There are some cracking posts on this thread - did I say this?
- which bring out the very best of PH .aw51 121565 said:
Particular thanks to Pagey for your recent heartfelt posts, and also vx220 and also carreauchompeur for your posts on this thread...
I've recently applied to be a foster carer; this was delayed because of the fostering association's wish to pass the first anniversaries since my late wife's passing (and this was a Very Good Call with hindsight), but now the process has started. I also started a PGCE in 2008 (this was a shambles spread over quite a few years which isn't bad for a one year course , but that's another story and I never taught under my own steam) so stories of kids willing to use knives etc isn't a surprise and I have reasonable "put them in their place" aka "the positive sandwich" techniques available to me .
I'm looking forward to having foster kids here, and making a difference in their lives - even if it is minute differences (which seems to be a point which previous posters haven't mentioned, though I am sure this is an oversight , an inverse "death by a thousand cuts" if you like) - and taking it minute by minute with the poor blighters .
No matter what presents, I am like 'thrush'; that is, uncomfortable and persistent on behalf of - and in the best interest of - my clients (I know his doesn't sound right but I am sure you know what I mean? ).
PS There are some cracking posts on this thread - did I say this? - which bring out the very best of PH .
Good luck!I've recently applied to be a foster carer; this was delayed because of the fostering association's wish to pass the first anniversaries since my late wife's passing (and this was a Very Good Call with hindsight), but now the process has started. I also started a PGCE in 2008 (this was a shambles spread over quite a few years which isn't bad for a one year course
, but that's another story and I never taught under my own steam) so stories of kids willing to use knives etc isn't a surprise and I have reasonable "put them in their place" aka "the positive sandwich" techniques available to me .I'm looking forward to having foster kids here, and making a difference in their lives - even if it is minute differences (which seems to be a point which previous posters haven't mentioned, though I am sure this is an oversight
, an inverse "death by a thousand cuts" if you like) - and taking it minute by minute with the poor blighters . No matter what presents, I am like 'thrush'; that is, uncomfortable and persistent on behalf of - and in the best interest of - my clients
(I know his doesn't sound right but I am sure you know what I mean? ).PS There are some cracking posts on this thread - did I say this?
- which bring out the very best of PH .You're welcome to this little guy if you're local? Start you off "easy"???
Baaad day, yesterday...
...not a great start so far this morning!
You're right about making minute differences, they'll take a tiny bit from each positive relationship they build (and then possibly destroy!)
It may take thousands of interactions with carers, teachers, scout leaders, police men and women, fire brigade(!) etc.
If they have suffered enough abuse, their behaviours are simply about regaining control of their lives in some way, but as they have only had negative role models their attempts are at best annoying, at worst impossible to contain in an average household.
Glad we don't have kids! For them to grow up watching these kids in school must be hugely disruptive. Very rarely do even well-adjusted kids see this sort of thing and think "I won't do that!"
It may take thousands of interactions with carers, teachers, scout leaders, police men and women, fire brigade(!) etc.
If they have suffered enough abuse, their behaviours are simply about regaining control of their lives in some way, but as they have only had negative role models their attempts are at best annoying, at worst impossible to contain in an average household.
Glad we don't have kids! For them to grow up watching these kids in school must be hugely disruptive. Very rarely do even well-adjusted kids see this sort of thing and think "I won't do that!"
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