Break-ups - can you remain friends after?

Break-ups - can you remain friends after?

Author
Discussion

stewies_minion

1,165 posts

186 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
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Same here. May be a stewie thing.

I'm far from a social animal, but the mates I do have have been great and helped me take my mind off it.

I've chucked myself into the gym and work. And if I'm honest a fair bit of time in the boozer having a laugh with mates. If I sit at home alone and dwell on it all I go mad.

What's stopping the deleting of her phone number? If you can't physically text her then that's a decent part of the problem solved fella.

AWRacing

1,706 posts

224 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
Have you tried talking to her (not in a 'I want you back' kind of way)?

I expect she is feeling just as awkward about the whole work thing as you are, speak to her and decide how you are going to manage it.

Has she said she wants to stay friends?

bitchstewie

Original Poster:

50,574 posts

209 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
stewies_minion said:
What's stopping the deleting of her phone number? If you can't physically text her then that's a decent part of the problem solved fella.
It's an option 100% agreed, just rather not do that right now and look more at how not to use it by getting my mind off it - at the moment if I'm honest I'm working on the principle "Short term horrific, long term good" and even this thread is proving quite therapeutic despite the relative lack of detail.

B.J.W

5,782 posts

214 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
bhstewie said:
stewies_minion said:
What's stopping the deleting of her phone number? If you can't physically text her then that's a decent part of the problem solved fella.
It's an option 100% agreed, just rather not do that right now and look more at how not to use it by getting my mind off it - at the moment if I'm honest I'm working on the principle "Short term horrific, long term good" and even this thread is proving quite therapeutic despite the relative lack of detail.
The number needs to go, fella. I was on WhatsAp with one of my exes. I could see when she was online and talking to people. Until her profile was deleted there was an unhealthy link between the two of us (which may, or may not, have been one sided).

bitchstewie

Original Poster:

50,574 posts

209 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
AWRacing said:
Have you tried talking to her (not in a 'I want you back' kind of way)?

I expect she is feeling just as awkward about the whole work thing as you are, speak to her and decide how you are going to manage it.

Has she said she wants to stay friends?
Tried yesterday, got told to stop keep apologising which was a fair thing to be told.

As for her saying she wants to stay friends, yes, I asked outright and she has said she still wants to.

I'll be the first to admit that some of this is down to my needing to get a sense of perspective i.e. not speaking to someone for a few days is not the end of the world - I'm not going to pretend I'm perfect I have been a little smothering in the past, not in the sense of being possessive or controlling, simply that she's been through hell and with hindsight being concerned for my mate came across at times as a smothering boyfriend.

The Beaver King

6,095 posts

194 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
Personally, I found it impossible to stay friends with my ex after years 'in love'.

I have heard almost mythical stories of people breaking up and still being friends, but I have no idea how that is possible. With my ex, I found that because of the sheer quantity of emaotion involved, any contact ended up with someone shouting (me, that's my release method) or crying (her, that was her's).

Therefore, any kind of contact ended in disaster. So I cut all ties and avoided her like the plague (not easy, she lived 9 doors away). Nearly 3 years later and I'm happy in a new relationship and completely over the past, it's not easy though...

stewies_minion

1,165 posts

186 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
Short term - get the number / Facebook etc gone.

No good can come of it.

In terms of how to address the root cause - the thinking about it and mulling it over :

Gym
Other manly hobbies
Make an effort to see mates and rekindle old friendships
New hobbies
Work harder and possibly longer
7 wk barrier breaking
Consider starting to see other people


Mobile Chicane

20,687 posts

211 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
I think men take break-ups harder than women do, since women by and large have fairly well-developed support networks.

Men, on the other hand, may feel as though they've lost their one and only truly confiding friend.

There's no easy answer to this, other than to be your own best friend, for now. Try and broaden your range of activities and keep busy.

Get back in the saddle, if it helps, so long as both you and your partners are crystal clear it's for the short term only.

andy-xr

13,204 posts

203 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
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No - men always have this thing that her getting boned by someone else is a kick in the dick, the ego cant take it and as such can never look at the person the same way again. Either that or they're wking and weeping in bed each night. Friendship just doesnt happen and you'll get pushed away by her when she's got a new bloke as it's weird hanging around with your ex

Women can either move on or they play a game of 'i dont want him, but I dont want anyone else to have him' regardless of whether they instigated the breakup or not

stewies_minion

1,165 posts

186 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
Mobile Chicane said:
Men, on the other hand, may feel as though they've lost their one and only truly confiding friend.

There's no easy answer to this, other than to be your own best friend, for now. Try and broaden your range of activities and keep busy.
Wise words.

When I split from my wife, I still tried to confide / talk to her. She used that as an opportunity to repeatedly kick me in the face.

All of the problems stopped when I stopped talking to her about anything other than the kids and assets.

No kids or assets - no need to contact her.

There's potential to drag the arse out of this if you keep on with her. She'll start to see other people be it casually or seriously and you'll be torn apart again and again.

I've personally found creating a feeling of numbness about it all has really helped.

VinceFox

20,566 posts

171 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
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Cut all contact. ALL.

Never stayed on speaking terms with any ex, but then i am a .

Murray993

1,515 posts

232 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
For me I don't normally stay in touch, but if you meet again after a couple of years and you are both settled its quite easy. However if you work together you are fked, one of you is going to pull a mental.

Rude-boy

22,227 posts

232 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
The only way I have found that is a sure fire one to deal with this sort of thing is to cut all ties and contact so far as possible.

I have tried to remain friends with the odd ex but it has never worked. Yes you can be friendly and even have a good night out or two (with others) but things will never be the way they were before you showed her the old slug.

One ex and I ceased contact on splitting and then ran into each other 5 years later, we swapped e-mail and current numbers as there was a good distance between us and she was well aware I was happily in a new relationship. It lasted about 4 days before it was clear that she wasn’t interested in just the occasional chat/e-mail and wanted to have another go.

In your position OP I would be very pleasant but business like in work and absent from her life outside of it. May be in a few months or so you will pop out for a lunchtime drink to catch up, may be you wont. Regardless, plan your life from here without her in it, even if that is not the way it rolls you will be much more prepared.

Ikemi

8,436 posts

204 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
VinceFox said:
Cut all contact. ALL.

Never stayed on speaking terms with any ex, but then i am a .
I agree with this. Well, I don't know if you're a or not ... hehe However the main issue here is that he will still see her on a regular basis through work. Cut all contact, but be civil and talk to her if she approaches you at work. Then work towards your friendship, potentially more, if that's what you want.

How would you feel if she starts seeing someone else? Could you blank it out and continue to be friends still?

bitchstewie

Original Poster:

50,574 posts

209 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
Mobile Chicane said:
I think men take break-ups harder than women do, since women by and large have fairly well-developed support networks.

Men, on the other hand, may feel as though they've lost their one and only truly confiding friend.
Definitely a lot of truth in that speaking for myself - particularly the second point which is what is the biggest problem right now.

Time, I know.. smile

bitchstewie

Original Poster:

50,574 posts

209 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
Ikemi said:
How would you feel if she starts seeing someone else? Could you blank it out and continue to be friends still?
I'll have to deal with that when it happens tbh - suspect not if I think about it.

Ki3r

7,793 posts

158 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
WinstonWolf said:
This will sound harsh (what's new from me) but I don't think you will be when she starts bumming someone else.
Guess we'll have to cross that bridge if/when it happens.

We have only recently broken up though (start of December), first couple of days were ste. She was (still is) my best friend, I told her everything, I never felt so comfortable around anyone (even family to be honest).

She wanted to stay friends, as she ha also said she feels comfortable around me and feels she can share things with me (which she has shared some very personal things with me).

I was worried it would start of as going to meeting once a week, to once every two weeks, to once a month, to a text every so often and then nothing.

However, we seem to get on better now. We spent some time together over Xmas, and I stayed at hers for the last couple of days as I've not had two days in a row off for a long time.

Some people may see it as weird, and how I just need to let go, however we are both happy with how things are at the moment.

Rude-boy

22,227 posts

232 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
Ki3r said:
Some people may see it as weird, and how I just need to let go, however we are both happy with how things are at the moment.
DO what works for you and what will make YOU happiest for the longest possible lenght of time.

stewies_minion

1,165 posts

186 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
All the more reason to keep her away from you.

Mine took the opportunity to rub my nose properly in it when she was cheating and then again with her next bloke. Not saying your ex would do that, but with an open line of contact you may feel the need to ask.

I know that feeling on losing the one person you could confide in but she is no longer that person so you need to not think of her as such. Best case - it'll fall on deaf ears and you'll make it hard for yourself - worst case - she'll use the contact as a way to kick you firmly in the bks and make you feel worse. Neither end well.

stewies_minion

1,165 posts

186 months

Friday 3rd January 2014
quotequote all
Ki3r said:
Guess we'll have to cross that bridge if/when it happens.

We have only recently broken up though (start of December), first couple of days were ste. She was (still is) my best friend, I told her everything, I never felt so comfortable around anyone (even family to be honest).

She wanted to stay friends, as she ha also said she feels comfortable around me and feels she can share things with me (which she has shared some very personal things with me).

I was worried it would start of as going to meeting once a week, to once every two weeks, to once a month, to a text every so often and then nothing.

However, we seem to get on better now. We spent some time together over Xmas, and I stayed at hers for the last couple of days as I've not had two days in a row off for a long time.

Some people may see it as weird, and how I just need to let go, however we are both happy with how things are at the moment.
Careful you don't accidentally have sex with her.