Break-ups - can you remain friends after?

Break-ups - can you remain friends after?

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Discussion

PurpleTurtle

6,921 posts

143 months

Tuesday 7th January 2014
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bhstewie said:
complete escape isn't really an option as we work at the same place
I still work with my ex that I dated for 2 years, I can see her from my desk as I type this.
She dumped me because of, I quote, "your single man's lifestyle". Truth be told, I just wasn't that into her so spent more of my time with cars/bikes/mates. I've since met somebody else who is more on my wavelength and got married.

During this time me and the ex have remained 'professionally friendly' - as in we have to work together, so we get on and help each other out, but no more or less than any other colleague does. If you were a newbie in our office you would never guess we'd previously been an item for a couple of years. However, we have no texts (I deleted her number to avoid any kind of outside-of-work-temptation), no personal emails, no discussions about what went before. It was difficult for the first few months, but both being sane, educated adults we got on with things.

Contrast that with a girl from work I dated 15yrs ago, I called time on things after only a few weeks, she went batst mental in the office and spent a fortnight crying/causing a scene/being hugely unprofessional. Fortunately she fked off home to New Zealand shortly after that, but it was an experience I'd prefer not to repeat.

bitchstewie

Original Poster:

50,568 posts

209 months

Tuesday 7th January 2014
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Just deleted the text conversations and phone number.

FFS.

Time will tell I suppose.

stewies_minion

1,165 posts

186 months

Tuesday 7th January 2014
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Good lad.

beer

bitchstewie

Original Poster:

50,568 posts

209 months

Tuesday 7th January 2014
quotequote all
stewies_minion said:
Good lad.

beer
Doesn't feel like it right now tbh, however there are only so many times you can get kicked in the balls.

I haven't burned any bridges as it's not my style, I've left things as amicable as possible even though I fluctuate between hating her and chasing after her like the fking idiot I know I am.

Working in the same building is going to be hard (for now) because it's both temptation and potential for awkwardness but again I'm hoping time will sort that.

stewies_minion

1,165 posts

186 months

Tuesday 7th January 2014
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Defo. Time is a great healer.

Same building - a challenge - but keep it utterly professional and don't be tempted to get into personal affairs at work.

Sounds like you've made a very good decision.

All the best.

Vaud

50,192 posts

154 months

Tuesday 7th January 2014
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And avoid any, I repeat ANY situations where you can be alone with her. Lift, meeting rooms. etc. Always have another person around. Stick your phone on record if you think there is a risk of being alone with her.

Work and home don't mix, so protect yourself against any risk...

mustdash

360 posts

127 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
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Vaud said:
Stick your phone on record if you think there is a risk of being alone with her.
Why? So he can then go home and play the recording over and over while crying in to a bottle of Jack Daniels?

OP - in my experience, it is not possible to stay friends with ex's, although I am on amicable terms with my most recent ex (ok, we split up 8 years ago)- we've bumped in to each other when both out and 2 sheets to the wind, and it was fine.

Good luck with it though - I know how hard and horrible it can be.

Rude-boy

22,227 posts

232 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
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At this point can I just remind all children watching that this ia one of the very good reasons whey you should never dip your pen in company ink.

Vaud

50,192 posts

154 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
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mustdash said:
Why? So he can then go home and play the recording over and over while crying in to a bottle of Jack Daniels?
FFS.

No, I just wouldn't trust an ex in the workplace not to make allegations of inappropriate behaviour, if you are forced to be alone with them you can at least counter any false allegations quickly.

The Beaver King

6,095 posts

194 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
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bhstewie said:
Doesn't feel like it right now tbh, however there are only so many times you can get kicked in the balls.

I haven't burned any bridges as it's not my style, I've left things as amicable as possible even though I fluctuate between hating her and chasing after her like the fking idiot I know I am.

Working in the same building is going to be hard (for now) because it's both temptation and potential for awkwardness but again I'm hoping time will sort that.
It's quite common TBH, you'll get over it.

It's been said by me and quite a few others already, but you really need to minimise your contact with her. By minimise, I mean ignore/avoid/kill all contact will her for as long as possible.

If you keep talking/texting/seeing her, the way you feel now will only be prolonged; also you'll look like a complete tt to the casual observer.

The quicker you cut contact, the quicker you'll get over it.

Chin up, if you were local I'd take you to the pub and buy you a Babysham... wink

ETA - Well this is awkward, apparently you are local...

Want a Babysham?

Ikemi

8,436 posts

204 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
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Rude-boy said:
At this point can I just remind all children watching that this ia one of the very good reasons whey you should never dip your pen in company ink.
Not necessarily. It can be quite fun! Y'know, stolen kisses in and around the workplace ... However I'd probably advise against having a relationship with someone in, or potentially could be, a higher position to you.

Rude-boy

22,227 posts

232 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
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Ikemi said:
Rude-boy said:
At this point can I just remind all children watching that this ia one of the very good reasons whey you should never dip your pen in company ink.
Not necessarily. It can be quite fun! Y'know, stolen kisses in and around the workplace ... However I'd probably advise against having a relationship with someone in, or potentially could be, a higher position to you.
As a trainee I was happily banging one of the secretaries on a regular basis in the Deeds Room and File Store as well as other places...


Great fun but the fall out can be spectacular. I got away with it (okay, I didn't I ended up with her for 5 years but that's another story...


Older and a little wiser there is no way I would do it again if single (would never think about it attached!) Too much potential fall out.

bitchstewie

Original Poster:

50,568 posts

209 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
The Beaver King said:
It's quite common TBH, you'll get over it.

It's been said by me and quite a few others already, but you really need to minimise your contact with her. By minimise, I mean ignore/avoid/kill all contact will her for as long as possible.

If you keep talking/texting/seeing her, the way you feel now will only be prolonged; also you'll look like a complete tt to the casual observer.

The quicker you cut contact, the quicker you'll get over it.

Chin up, if you were local I'd take you to the pub and buy you a Babysham... wink

ETA - Well this is awkward, apparently you are local...

Want a Babysham?
Thanks for the offer but you're not my type smile

I've found that keeping myself busy, and trying to throw myself into my work, is helping a lot since as you and everyone here knows it's the quiet moments when these things play on your mind.

I should add that it's very difficult to read tone into how someone writes sometime, so I'm certainly not sitting here weeping I just find it useful to vent a little tbh.

Driller

8,310 posts

277 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
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Fair enough for the post but I never understood this question. Surely to be in a relationship with someone you have to be friends (at least!) so if you've broken up you're not friends anymore.

fatboy69

9,369 posts

186 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
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I havent spoken to my ex-wife for over 10 years - no great loss.

On the other hand i get on really well my other half's ex-hubby (she left him for me) even though not long after she left him he chased me for over 3 miles, on foot, waving a claw hammer which he was hell bent on inserting in my head!!

Says he still has the hammer.......


bitchstewie

Original Poster:

50,568 posts

209 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
Driller said:
Fair enough for the post but I never understood this question. Surely to be in a relationship with someone you have to be friends (at least!) so if you've broken up you're not friends anymore.
Well like a dhead I thought that "(Friendship + Romance) - Romance = Friendship".

It would appear not.

Naive and stupid perhaps but you don't go into these things thinking "What happens if and when we break up, do I lose my friend of X years?" but there you go.

Hoofy

76,213 posts

281 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
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Depends on what caused the break and how amicable it was.

I still exchange the very occasional email (and Christmas cards) with my ex-wife. It's possible she reads my PH posts. *shrugs*

Firefoot

1,600 posts

216 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
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I am still friendly with 2 of my exes. One came for an interview at my current company and I gave him the courtesy of a pre interview phone call to warn him that it would be me interviewing him after not seeing him for maybe 14 years! I went out with him for around 5 years many moons ago. We see each other around work and it doesn't bother me at all. Not sure I would go as far as describing us as best friends, but we certainly don't hate each other or try to avoid each other.

The other I went out with for around 4 years more recently and we are very good mates. I am also friendly with his new girlfriend who is lovely. When I was diagnosed with a serious illness last year, it was him that insisted on coming with me to get the results and treatment plan. He even came along to one of my chemo sessions. We were good friends before we started going out together and we have been able to continue that friendship.

I am a firm believer in getting on with things and not living in regret. So whilst neither break up was particularly nice, I can still get along with them.

The first few weeks after a break up are always going to be tough, but you have to remember - you had a life before them and you have a life after them. That life is just different and takes getting used to.

Chin up OP, you will get there smile


Prev

384 posts

182 months

Thursday 9th January 2014
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My first girlfriend (ever) is now engaged to my mate. So I have to talk to her from time to time. Wouldn't call us friends tho.

Every girlfriend bar my first and last I have no contact with. No facebook, no numbers nothing.

My last girlfriend was a different story. We stayed friends and apart from a few months earlier this year when I went out with someone else we have always chatted most days (We have 3 St Bernards so mainly about them.). We broke up because she needed to sort out her life (what she wanted to do etc.). But as of Monday we started dating again. So yes you can be friends, but you can't be spending your time talking about days gone by.

bitchstewie

Original Poster:

50,568 posts

209 months

Thursday 17th April 2014
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Well a bit of an update/resurrection but 4 months later on and we are back on speaking terms.

There's a lot of stuff that I've done that I'm not proud of which I won't go into on here and which I can't spend my life apologising for, suffice to say I'm keen to show that I'm just about back to my old self but my god it isn't easy the way you can get caught up analysing and over-analysing everything.

I'm sure some people will say I'm a walkover and there may be some truth in that, but the bottom line is I don't want to look back in however many years and think I let someone I get on so well with get away for the sake of a few bad months and being too stubborn to try - I had to attend a friends funeral on Saturday and whilst it sounds a bit cliched it does make you realise how hung up we get on stuff that really just doesn't matter.