The best insult you've ever heard

[MrwReckless]

Your momma's so fat... when she jumped in the pool, they found water on Mars!

[Greg_D]

MrwReckless said:

Your momma's so fat... when she jumped in the pool, they found water on Mars!

yo momma so fat, she has to grease the bath before getting in

[off_again]

Baz Tench said:

Not really an original insult, but I've had the "I bet you're gay" comment from two different women over the years when I resisted their advances.

So I'm gay because I wasn't interested in them? Riiight.

Both of them were blokey birds. The one who was fat and ginger turned out to be a lezza anyway.

Heard in San Francisco - girl (clearly not from around here), "err, you are so gay". Response from man "What? Is it wrong to have impeccable taste, be well dressed and have manners? Unlike you!"

Bar fell silent and everyone laughed, girl left. Pretty sure that was ripped off a TV show though.

[CrimsonAvenger]

Look, we all have something to bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence

- Rimmer, RDVI

And you can all have this; no idea where I heard it, not mine, not an insult, but if you're ever sat at a table of strangers for dinner (cruise for me), order white wine. When it comes and they make you taste it before you 'approve' it, play along with all the wine buullst and say (make it your own, but) something like:

"Hmmm....interesting....I wonder how they got the cat to sit on the bottle....."

[CrimsonAvenger]

Dross is in the eye of the beholder.

[CrimsonAvenger]

n.

[CrimsonAvenger]

.

[CrimsonAvenger]

Oh.

[CrimsonAvenger]

FFS

[CrimsonAvenger]

Your go...

[AdeTuono]

Paddy_N_Murphy said:

Just flicked through four pages of this dross.
Not one insult that raised an eyebrow or caused me to mentally jot down.


How on earth this thread got to 18 pages....

Quite agree; the worst are those where the PH'er gives an achingly 'humourous' account of what they said, to the delight of all around.

Honestly, if wit were st, they'd never need to wipe.

[sc0tt]

The best for me so far is where the PH'ers wife said, "you aren't a very nice lady."

Boom. Drop mic. Exit

[Old Tyke]

Not a "best insult you've heard" but I do get great amusement from watching really slow or 'crashy' fork lift truck drivers unloading my trailer and asking them completely deadpan : "have you not long passed your test?". The look of indignation on their faces never gets old and you can see the cogs going round in their heads trying to work out if I'm being serious or taking the piss.

The same works well for truck drivers who take forever to reverse on a loading bay as well, especially the old guys who have been driving them for over 30 years .

[Mr Roper]

AdeTuono said:

Paddy_N_Murphy said:

Just flicked through four pages of this dross.
Not one insult that raised an eyebrow or caused me to mentally jot down.


How on earth this thread got to 18 pages....

Quite agree; the worst are those where the PH'er gives an achingly 'humourous' account of what they said, to the delight of all around.

Honestly, if wit were st, they'd never need to wipe.

Statler and Waldorf.

AICMFP

[Evangelion]

It has long been my ambition, while sitting in a pub or similar public place accompanied by an attractive lady (yeah, like that's ever going to happen at my age) to go up to a timid-looking little bloke and say,
"OI! You looking at my bird?"
and when he replies, "Oh ... er ... no" to add,
"Well why not? What's wrong with her?"

All my friends fall about laughing when I tell them this, but I bet it wouldn't even get a titter in real life.

[Adenauer]

Evangelion said:

It has long been my ambition, while sitting in a pub or similar public place accompanied by an attractive lady (yeah, like that's ever going to happen at my age) to go up to a timid-looking little bloke and say,
"OI! You looking at my bird?"
and when he replies, "Oh ... er ... no" to add,
"Well why not? What's wrong with her?"

All my friends fall about laughing when I tell them this, but I bet it wouldn't even get a titter in real life.

It bloody would from me, that's brilliant.

[droopsnoot]

AdeTuono said:

Quite agree; the worst are those where the PH'er gives an achingly 'humourous' account of what they said, to the delight of all around.

Most of these situations just sound trite when written down, though - I've been in a few situations where there has been quite a decent insult or put-down that was genuinely funny at the time, but by the time all the back-story and scene-setting has been done for people who weren't there, it just loses everything in the re-telling.

I must admit that one of the good things about getting a bit older is that I can start quoting stuff from things like Blackadder, and younger people think I'm just being really witty.

[austinsmirk]

whilst arguing with a tenant- he told me

what you should do mate, is this right, what it is, you should go into a corner of a room, take your pants down, squat down and have a big s ***. because that's what you need to do, have a big s ***, because you're full of it, that's right.


what I really really liked about this insult, was the sheer length and complexity of it.


anyway, that's what dealing with council house dwelling gypsies is like.

[Sycamore]

Old Tyke said:

The same works well for truck drivers who take forever to reverse on a loading bay as well, especially the old guys who have been driving them for over 30 years .

We had some machinery show up on a container and had the German driver reverse into the bay. One of the lads shouted something along the lines of "hurry up it's lunch time soon" as the guy was reversing into the bay.

6'8" of German anger jumped out of the cab and WW3 was almost triggered

[98elise]

No a direct insult, more of a put down attributed to John Lennon

Interviewer: "Is Ringo the best drummer in the world?"
John Lennon: "He isn't even the best drummer in The Beatles"