The best insult you've ever heard

[TobyLaRohne]

Not so much an insult as the funniest thing I've ever blurted out.

A couple of years ago I was having my appendix out and was in quite a state, in the pre-op room I was on the bed surrounded by surgeons and nurses etc all with their backs to me except for one nurse asking me all sorts of questions before they knocked me out.
"...and have you got any metal objects in you"

"only balls of steel"...I faintly chuckled and she absolutely creased herself, nobody else round in the room heard and I knew instantly it was probably the funniest thing I'll ever say and only one person heard it and no bugger will ever believe it.

[Corpulent Tosser]

More effective as it came from someone I have never hear swear.

"He has more lip than a cow's "

[omgus]

Legeen said:

Really, ok I stand corrected I didn't realise you were there. Worse things have been said on a 5 a side pitch, perhaps you'd know if played but since we're making statements with zero substance, you don't play and you pretend to be a lady at the weekend.

OK poppet, when you've been here a bit longer you'll notice a thread like this pops up every 6-8 months, with people trotting out the same stories all done by their "mate", and then the Churchill quotes start, then the very famous cricket sledging quotes and so on.



Original insults are few and far between.

[RDJ]

Defendant: I cannot clearly recall the events of that day as I was as drunk as a judge

Judge: I think you will find that's 'as drunk as a Lord!'

Defendant: Sorry my Lord

[Justin Cyder]

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill:
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend...if you have one."


Churchill in reply: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."

[Moonhawk]

Not sure if this one is real story about somebody putting down a z-list celeb.

Celeb pushes to the front of the boarding queue at an airport departure gate:

Stewardess: "there is a queue, go to the back"

Celeb: "do you know who I am"

Stewardess: (to the queue of people behind) "excuse me, does anyone know who this person is......they seem to have forgotten"

Seems a little hard to believe - but very funny if true.

[Council Baby]

sprint355 said:

Pear stick in the Ear CB

Whack in the broken ribs

[benm3evo]

My favourite is a witty comment more than an insult from Only Fools & Horses.

Rodney - "I have never been so insulted in all my life"

Del - "Well sit down bruv & let me have a try"

Still waiting for an opportunity to use it but when it arrives I will feel complete!

[Sargeant Orange]

Barrister: I put it to you that you cannot possibly have seen my client enter the premises at that time because your vision is impaired and you were not wearing your glasses. Where you in fact wearing your glasses at the time?

Witness: No, but i'm sure it was him

Barrister: Really? so just how far can you see without your glasses Mr Jones?

Witness: Well on a clear night I can see the moon!

[Tango13]

'Low life northern placenta' is another one i've heard.

[Pixel Pusher]

omgus said:

a thread like this pops up every 6-8 months, with people trotting out the same stories all done by their "mate", and then the Churchill quotes start, then the very famous cricket sledging quotes and so on.

Original insults are few and far between.

Years ago, a mate of mine met Winston Churchill in a pub and he got told a story about when the war started.

Hitler: 'Oi Winston…you want some' ?

Winston: 'fk off sausage breath'

Hitler: 'Can't you bowl any faster fatboy' ?

Winston: 'Your mum can suck start a leaf blower'.


Something like that anyway.

[Ahhh Moneypenny]

from a TV programme I think it was Gimme Gimme with Kathy Burke..

"your so far back in the closet your in fking Narnia!"

[GetCarter]

Your work is both good and original. However the bit that is good is not original, and the bit that is original is not good.

Voltaire

[thismonkeyhere]

Moonhawk said:

Not sure if this one is real story about somebody putting down a z-list celeb.

Celeb pushes to the front of the boarding queue at an airport departure gate:

Stewardess: "there is a queue, go to the back"

Celeb: "do you know who I am"

Stewardess: (to the queue of people behind) "excuse me, does anyone know who this person is......they seem to have forgotten"

Seems a little hard to believe - but very funny if true.

The second part being where the celeb responds with a 'fk you', to which the lady replies 'you have to get in line for that, too'.

Probably all bks, but funny nonetheless.

[Mr Gearchange]

LoonR1 said:

Me: bloody hell Ste. How thick are you?
Ste: not telling you!

Simple yet brilliant.

[droopsnoot]

Leptons said:

"She had a fanny like a ripped out fireplace"

Or 'a chuff like a wizards sleeve' was quite evocative, from 'Two Pints'.

Seems as if the really clever insults are all very old, maybe people had more time to think of witty ripostes back then, or the need to send them by post gave that extra breathing space. It's nice, though, that I can use lines from things like Blackadder and they're old enough that youngsters will think I made them up and am thus very witty.

[otolith]

I always liked Hunter S Thompson's "twisted pig-fker". Particularly when he applied it to Nixon. You don't get incisive political journalism like that these days.

Edited by otolith on Thursday 9th January 11:53

[irocfan]

thismonkeyhere said:

The second part being where the celeb responds with a 'fk you', to which the lady replies 'you have to get in line for that, too'.

Probably all bks, but funny nonetheless.

that last part was used in Planes, Trains and Automobiles IIRC

[LHRFlightman]

"Scum sucking retard" works when required for me.

[JohnSW20]

The best I heard was two women arguing over a bloke, current missus and ex by the sound of it. As the Ex walked off she turned around and shouted " Well Sl@g next time you are sucking his c@ck just remember it's been up my ars@"

The whole street just went silent!!!!!