The best insult you've ever heard
Discussion
JohnSW20 said:
The best I heard was two women arguing over a bloke, current missus and ex by the sound of it. As the Ex walked off she turned around and shouted " Well Sl@g next time you are sucking his c@ck just remember it's been up my ars@"
The whole street just went silent!!!!!
Lol.The whole street just went silent!!!!!
One "off of" Twitter. Apparently Frankie Boyle had insulted Robbie Savage. Savage responded with threats of beating Frankie up. He responded with "Listen, you keep fighting evolution and I'll fight the winner"
One of my own. Many, many years ago in a pub we used to frequent as a group, I walked in a little later than the rest of them. The barmaid who was very, very plain looking and a little "sturdy" but with MASSIVE tits said sarcastically "are you late because you were doing your hair?" (I did spend too much time on my hair in those days). I responded by obviously looking at her tits and saying "Blimey. Those AND a sense of humour. What a catch". BOOM!
The jokes on her though as I'm now bald and spend almost no time on my hair at all.
Got to agree that I love Frankie Boyle and Charlie Brooker when they're being acerbic.
One of my own. Many, many years ago in a pub we used to frequent as a group, I walked in a little later than the rest of them. The barmaid who was very, very plain looking and a little "sturdy" but with MASSIVE tits said sarcastically "are you late because you were doing your hair?" (I did spend too much time on my hair in those days). I responded by obviously looking at her tits and saying "Blimey. Those AND a sense of humour. What a catch". BOOM!
The jokes on her though as I'm now bald and spend almost no time on my hair at all.
Got to agree that I love Frankie Boyle and Charlie Brooker when they're being acerbic.
Snowboy said:
I remember seeing a comedian talking about hekling.
The story was a bit like this (it's geeky.)
A stand-up was doing a fairly poor routine about Star Trek and it just wasn't working; some from the audience calls out
"It's comedy Jim, but not as we know it."
You'll need to be of a certain vintage for this. Years ago, a bunch of us went to see a few comics at the old T&C2 in Highbury corner. Among the bill was Phil Jupitus who is about as funny as Rickets. He was droning through his spiel & arrived at a little back & forth with the audience. He said: 'I don't do this for a living, it's only part time. Can you guess my day job?'The story was a bit like this (it's geeky.)
A stand-up was doing a fairly poor routine about Star Trek and it just wasn't working; some from the audience calls out
"It's comedy Jim, but not as we know it."
Reflexively, I blurted out 'Chief taster, Walkers crisps'. The room rolled up, I could feel two hundred pairs of eyes on me & went bright red. Luckily, Phil is slow witted & offered up something about hating it when the audience was funnier than he was, which is not very.
Anyway, that was my 15 seconds of fame over & done with.
I used to work at a comedy club in Glasgow and the laziest of comedians would score easy points with the crowd by slagging off Edinburgh in Glasgow and vice versa. Boring and tired but gets an easy laugh.
Anyway, one Saturday night the comic on stage was doing the usual and ripping right into Edinburgh. "Oh, it's so s
t, the people are so stuck up etc etc, I mean is anyone here even from Edinburgh...?"
The room goes quiet as a lone hand goes up. The owner of the hand looks hard as nails. If you had to guess his occupation you'd have said "Hard as fk Edinburgh cabby/murderer". His name was probably "Malkie". Everyone looks at him and proudly displayed (heavily inked) arm.
"So you're from Edinburgh then?" Says, the comedian, unsure where this is going.
"Aye" says Malkie.
"Um...So like, I mean, what's so great about Edinburgh then?" the comic continues, nervously.
Malkie pauses for a moment to think before growling:
"Where's your fkin' castle?"
...a beat...
Audience erupts laughing and applauding Malkie and comedian has to just give up and leave the stage. Brilliant retort delivered perfectly.
Anyway, one Saturday night the comic on stage was doing the usual and ripping right into Edinburgh. "Oh, it's so s
t, the people are so stuck up etc etc, I mean is anyone here even from Edinburgh...?"The room goes quiet as a lone hand goes up. The owner of the hand looks hard as nails. If you had to guess his occupation you'd have said "Hard as f
k Edinburgh cabby/murderer". His name was probably "Malkie". Everyone looks at him and proudly displayed (heavily inked) arm."So you're from Edinburgh then?" Says, the comedian, unsure where this is going.
"Aye" says Malkie.
"Um...So like, I mean, what's so great about Edinburgh then?" the comic continues, nervously.
Malkie pauses for a moment to think before growling:
"Where's your f
kin' castle?"...a beat...
Audience erupts laughing and applauding Malkie and comedian has to just give up and leave the stage. Brilliant retort delivered perfectly.
Not an insult as such, but a comeback. Was talking to a colleague at a place I worked a few years back. His boss comes up and asks the guy to do something, at which he responded with some dismay. Boss goes "now now, there's no I in team", colleague responded "no but there's a u in c*nt". I liked that one.
Another time, a different colleague glanced over at a woman walking past, you know the sort, BOBFOC, mutton dressed as lamb... He turns to me once she was out of earshot and says to me "mmm nah I'd rather masturbate with a fist-full of angry wasps".
Another time, a different colleague glanced over at a woman walking past, you know the sort, BOBFOC, mutton dressed as lamb... He turns to me once she was out of earshot and says to me "mmm nah I'd rather masturbate with a fist-full of angry wasps".
I went to a massive exhibition/conference in Barcelona last year. For some reason you had to show ID at the desk. I hand over my 2004 passport, and the girl on the desk looks at it strangely, and calls over her colleague.
He has a look.
"This doesn't look like you", he says.
"Well, it is me", I say.
"No", he says, quite finally. "On this one, you look thin".
He has a look.
"This doesn't look like you", he says.
"Well, it is me", I say.
"No", he says, quite finally. "On this one, you look thin".
8bit said:
Not an insult as such, but a comeback. Was talking to a colleague at a place I worked a few years back. His boss comes up and asks the guy to do something, at which he responded with some dismay. Boss goes "now now, there's no I in team", colleague responded "no but there's a u in c*nt". I liked that one.
Another time, a different colleague glanced over at a woman walking past, you know the sort, BOBFOC, mutton dressed as lamb... He turns to me once she was out of earshot and says to me "mmm nah I'd rather masturbate with a fist-full of angry wasps".
Your mate's boss is wrong.Another time, a different colleague glanced over at a woman walking past, you know the sort, BOBFOC, mutton dressed as lamb... He turns to me once she was out of earshot and says to me "mmm nah I'd rather masturbate with a fist-full of angry wasps".
"He’s there to serve a very important ceremonial function as David Cameron’s lapdog-cum-prophylactic protection device for all the difficult things that David Cameron has to do that cheese off the rest of the…,"
Boris on Nick Clegg.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/london-ma...
Boris on Nick Clegg.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/london-ma...
Justin Cyder said:
You'll need to be of a certain vintage for this. Years ago, a bunch of us went to see a few comics at the old T&C2 in Highbury corner. Among the bill was Phil Jupitus who is about as funny as Rickets. He was droning through his spiel & arrived at a little back & forth with the audience. He said: 'I don't do this for a living, it's only part time. Can you guess my day job?'
Reflexively, I blurted out 'Chief taster, Walkers crisps'. The room rolled up, I could feel two hundred pairs of eyes on me & went bright red. Luckily, Phil is slow witted & offered up something about hating it when the audience was funnier than he was, which is not very.
Anyway, that was my 15 seconds of fame over & done with.
Reminds me of last year at a pub in Melbourne where they do "Neighbours Night" (don't ask). Anyway, Dr.Karl Kennedy is comparing and interrupts things to introduce someone he spots in the audience - his friend Steven K Amos. He asks Steven K Amos what he's doing in Australia, and his reply is "I'm over here for the Melbourne Comedy Festival" - to which I reflexively shout out "who have you come to see?".Reflexively, I blurted out 'Chief taster, Walkers crisps'. The room rolled up, I could feel two hundred pairs of eyes on me & went bright red. Luckily, Phil is slow witted & offered up something about hating it when the audience was funnier than he was, which is not very.
Anyway, that was my 15 seconds of fame over & done with.
Big laugh, 15 seconds of fame, friends on my table shrink and hide, cool story bro etc. etc.
JohnSW20 said:
The best I heard was two women arguing over a bloke, current missus and ex by the sound of it. As the Ex walked off she turned around and shouted " Well Sl@g next time you are sucking his c@ck just remember it's been up my ars@"
The whole street just went silent!!!!!
My favourite so far.The whole street just went silent!!!!!
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