The best insult you've ever heard

[steveo3002]

hello sexy..then when they turn round ..not you

was working at a garage and another worker had painted a new wing on a car , had the boss over crouched down looking at it , he says good match that aint it - your face for my @rse

[RDJ]

Whilst paying for a slab of Dairy Milk the sarky checkout girl sniped at me with "you'll get fat eating all that chocolate" (I am fat).

'Thank you' I replied, 'I see you speak from experience'.

Edited by RDJ on Wednesday 8th January 19:13

[MocMocaMoc]

If we're talking our own, a girl in Dublin once commented I sounded a little 'Geordie Shore' (I'm from the North East - although, comparatively, I've very little accent)

Dunno where it came from, as I barely make sense sober let alone half cut, but "Aye I thought you sounded a little Father Ted" just fell out my mouth.

Probably the wittiest thing I've ever said (I set the bar low)

[davemac250]

I was shouted at whilst walking my dogs by a inbred fkwit walking a muzzled Rottweiler.

Him 'I've always wanted a beagle so I could make it smoke'

Me 'I've always wanted a little cock so I could have a dog that needed a muzzle'

Him 'hahahaha huh oi'

[dondan]

Fat chav at the beach was drunk and mouthing off to people, some middle aged bloke came out with this in response

"The last time I saw a pair of legs like that it came with a trunk and tusks".

[HOGEPH]

Not an insult, but a threat.

“I will hurt you for this. I don't know how yet, but give me time. A day will come when you think yourself safe and happy, and suddenly your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and you'll know the debt is paid.”


― George R.R. Martin, A Clash of Kings

[Asterix]

"How can you be so ugly with only the one head?"

[Ray Luxury-Yacht]

Cataldo said:

Charlie Brooker referring to Paul Hollywood as a 'Laser eyed barn owl' cracked me up the other night. Not a direct insult but funny none the less.

He's always good for an insult is Brooker.

Another one of his that rolled me up: "Barking obelisk Chris Moyles..."

[RDJ]

dondan said:

Fat chav at the beach was drunk and mouthing off to people, some middle aged bloke came out with this in response

"The last time I saw a pair of legs like that it came with a trunk and tusks".

Stephen Fry would have been proud of that one!

[MocMocaMoc]

Hahaha

Here's one that always makes me laugh (as told to me by a mate)

Two (very straight) fellas (mates of my mate) were arguing back when they were teenagers... The more sensitive of the two turns and storms off, nearly in tears. The tougher of the two mumbles something, nothing worthy of note, when the sensitive one, now some way down the road turns and shouts...

"YEAH?! WELL, WELL, I'LL STICK ME COCK.... RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT UP YOUR ARRRRRRRRRSEHOLE!"

Hahahahahahaha had me buckled. Should have thought about that one first, son.

[RDJ]

[Olf]

Looks like he's been ram-raiding on a scooter with no helmet on.

always make me grin.

[AdeTuono]

steveo3002 said:

was working at a garage and another worker had painted a new wing on a car , had the boss over crouched down looking at it , he says good match that aint it - your face for my @rse

Is your boss 5 years old?

[davegreg]

Whenever me and my mate go and watch a band, he never fails at some point during the gig to shout 'PLAY SOMETHING YA KNOW!!!!' in his big, loud voice.

[Fotic]

HOGEPH said:

Not an insult, but a threat.

“I will hurt you for this. I don't know how yet, but give me time. A day will come when you think yourself safe and happy, and suddenly your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and you'll know the debt is paid.”


― George R.R. Martin, A Clash of Kings

Water
Nappies
Super tampax
Pink parcels
Pjs for joseph

Not a threat or an insult, a partially compiled shopping list.

[4v6]

To someone insulting your mother.... "yeah? well yours is so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck, I didnt know whether to f*ck her or harpoon her."

[mybrainhurts]

StuntmanMike said:

I borrowed a mate's very expensive mountain bike and road along the local canal

Your mate owns a road?

May we all have a go?

[mybrainhurts]

MocMocaMoc said:

dude

Yes, that's a pretty bad one.

[s p a c e m a n]

I have no idea why or how a few of my friends all started using the term 'fking goat herder' as an insult, but it's been going for years.

The regular one at work when a moron is trying to direct something is to say that they're having delusions of competence again.

[tleefox]

Legeen said:

Someone called my good friend fat. He replied quick as a flash 'I'm only fat because every time I shag your mother she gives me a biscuit'

No they didn't.

No he didn't.