The best insult you've ever heard

The best insult you've ever heard

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Discussion

texaxile

3,289 posts

149 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
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Not an insult, more a retort I've heard 2nd hand so probably didn't happen.

Bloke is at an Airport in the small hours making a transfer, goes to the toilet that has a yellow bollard / sign outside "Cleaning in Progress". He goes in, has a piss, washes his hands when a stroppy woman cleaner turns round and says "Oi, Toilets closed for cleaning, can't you read?". He then replies "yes sweetheart I can read, which is why I'm not cleaning out a sthouse at 5 o'clock in the morning".


Kenty

5,029 posts

174 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
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Best I've heard - not in person but TV I think, was
Very big chavvy girl with two kids really mouthing off, casual observer looked at baby in pram and asked if it was hers,
"Course it's mine you w*nker, who's do you think it is"
" I well is can't believe you've been sha**ed twice"

mattnunn

14,041 posts

160 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
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There has to be a least a dozen Malcolm Tuckerisms that crack me up but this has to be the best...

"Jesus Christ, see you… You're a fking omnishambles, that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: from bean to cup, you fck up."

mybrainhurts

90,809 posts

254 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
I was berated by a Polish tramp many years ago.

Back from holiday with a magnificent tan, I was walking through town when he confronted me...

Hey, you poka poka bd, you comes here, stealing our jobs, fks off home, you poka poka bd

Jolly rude and a bit of an insult, I'd say...

mybrainhurts

90,809 posts

254 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
tleefox said:
Legeen said:
Someone called my good friend fat. He replied quick as a flash 'I'm only fat because every time I shag your mother she gives me a biscuit'
No they didn't.

No he didn't.
You're a defective, aren't you...?

Fotic

719 posts

128 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
tleefox said:
No they didn't.

No he didn't.
biggrin

GTIR

24,741 posts

265 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
Axionknight said:
GTIR said:
Never happened.
Oh sorry, didn't notice you were there at the time, my mistake.
You were too busy looking at that guys cock to notice me.

captainzep

13,305 posts

191 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
Not really a single insult but a defiant loony stream of them found in Private Eye's a funny Old World in the 90's.

"From the transcript of a pretrial hearing that took place on May 5,in a criminal court in Adelaide, Australia,before judge Roy Grubb.In the transcript below,the prisoner is Yusuf Biyikli,a Turkish immigrant charged with "assault occasioning actual bodily harm"; Mr. Smart is the barrister for the crown.

[The charge is read]
PRISONER:Shut up,fking poofter.You poofter,
thank you.
HIS HONOUR:You just keep quiet,we will have
a word with you in a moment.
PRISONER:fk to you.All right,you poofter. All right, I fk you. That is answer.
HIS HONOUR:It is said that you assaulted-
PRISONER:fk the English,fk the colony, all right.
HIS HONOUR:If you don't shut up-
PRISONER:fk the judge too.That is not true.
HIS HONOUR:Do we assume this is a plea of not guilty?
MR.SMART:Yes,I think we can assume that.
PRISONER:I fk you,answer you,stuff you, poofter.Is that enough for you answer?
HIS HONOUR:That is no answer,but I take it as a plea of not guilty.In view of the outrageous outburst from the accused,I assume that the torrent of language from him is a plea of not guilty to each count.Remand for trial.Has someone been imprudent enough to grant a bail agreement?
MR. SMART:I hesitate to ask him
PRISONER:fk you.
HIS HONOUR:Do you wish to ask for bail?
PRISONER:You ask yourself bail,poofter. Now ask me.
HIS HONOUR:I don't have to ask.
PRISONER:fk the bail,fk Australia.
HIS HONOUR:I take it ,then, you don't wish to seek bail.
PRISONER:Stuff that.
HIS HONOUR:No application for bail,the accused is remanded for trial in custody.
PRISONER:fking bd,poofter,melon-arse.

pincher

8,497 posts

216 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
Two smart retorts, one I witnessed, the other I heard about.

Many years ago I went to lunch with a girl from work who was rather well stacked in the chest area (and also very pretty) - as we walked past a nearby building site, someone shouted down at her 'Oi darling, do you want to sit on my face?' to which she replied, without breaking stride 'Why? Is your nose bigger than your c0ck?'

The other was more recent - someone talking about how he and his team all grew beards for some reason or another and that he was referred to as the 'talking '. Someone was heard to say 'I don't think it was because of the beard'.

stuartmmcfc

8,653 posts

191 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
Justayellowbadge said:
'Your mother owes my dog fk money.'
i heard this one years ago and its always stuck in my memory.
I think shes paid him the money she owed now smile

mybrainhurts

90,809 posts

254 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
captainzep said:
Not really a single insult but a defiant loony stream of them found in Private Eye's a funny Old World in the 90's.

"From the transcript of a pretrial hearing that took place on May 5,in a criminal court in Adelaide, Australia,before judge Roy Grubb.In the transcript below,the prisoner is Yusuf Biyikli,a Turkish immigrant charged with "assault occasioning actual bodily harm"; Mr. Smart is the barrister for the crown.

[The charge is read]
PRISONER:Shut up,fking poofter.You poofter,
thank you.
HIS HONOUR:You just keep quiet,we will have
a word with you in a moment.
PRISONER:fk to you.All right,you poofter. All right, I fk you. That is answer.
HIS HONOUR:It is said that you assaulted-
PRISONER:fk the English,fk the colony, all right.
HIS HONOUR:If you don't shut up-
PRISONER:fk the judge too.That is not true.
HIS HONOUR:Do we assume this is a plea of not guilty?
MR.SMART:Yes,I think we can assume that.
PRISONER:I fk you,answer you,stuff you, poofter.Is that enough for you answer?
HIS HONOUR:That is no answer,but I take it as a plea of not guilty.In view of the outrageous outburst from the accused,I assume that the torrent of language from him is a plea of not guilty to each count.Remand for trial.Has someone been imprudent enough to grant a bail agreement?
MR. SMART:I hesitate to ask him
PRISONER:fk you.
HIS HONOUR:Do you wish to ask for bail?
PRISONER:You ask yourself bail,poofter. Now ask me.
HIS HONOUR:I don't have to ask.
PRISONER:fk the bail,fk Australia.
HIS HONOUR:I take it ,then, you don't wish to seek bail.
PRISONER:Stuff that.
HIS HONOUR:No application for bail,the accused is remanded for trial in custody.
PRISONER:fking bd,poofter,melon-arse.
Not happy, I'm guessing...

NoNeed

15,137 posts

199 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
An old boss once said to me "don't let your mind wonder, it's far to small to be out on it's own"

tobinen

9,184 posts

144 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
Tango13 said:
At a previous employer I once commented to the Foreman that when it came to technical matters the new machine shop manager was out out of his depth on a freshly mopped floor.
hehe

Buster73

5,042 posts

152 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
More of a put down , but when I served my time as a mechanic I cut my finger once , to which one of the older guys said " I've had bigger cuts on my cock "

Still never complain about small cuts to this day.

RumpleFugly

2,377 posts

209 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
Do you have to whistle when you take a st so you know which end to wipe?

Justin Cyder

12,624 posts

148 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
Clive Anderson to Jeffrey Archer - Is there no beginning to your talents?

One of mine - we had a lazy fker at one one place I worked, widely known as Jesus on account of his long hair. Walking behind him one afternoon, he went through a swing door & let it swing in my face rather than hold it open for me. I said, did you learn your manners from your fking barber?

I know, awesome.

dingg

3,974 posts

218 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
walking through newcastle on a night out with my mate.

beggar sitting on rug says to us

'any spare change'?

'get a job' says me mate

beggar retorts

'grow some hair you baldy '

I nearly pissed myself laughing

NoNeed

15,137 posts

199 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
captainzep said:
Not really a single insult but a defiant loony stream of them found in Private Eye's a funny Old World in the 90's.

"From the transcript of a pretrial hearing that took place on May 5,in a criminal court in Adelaide, Australia,before judge Roy Grubb.In the transcript below,the prisoner is Yusuf Biyikli,a Turkish immigrant charged with "assault occasioning actual bodily harm"; Mr. Smart is the barrister for the crown.

[The charge is read]
PRISONER:Shut up,fking poofter.You poofter,
thank you.
HIS HONOUR:You just keep quiet,we will have
a word with you in a moment.
PRISONER:fk to you.All right,you poofter. All right, I fk you. That is answer.
HIS HONOUR:It is said that you assaulted-
PRISONER:fk the English,fk the colony, all right.
HIS HONOUR:If you don't shut up-
PRISONER:fk the judge too.That is not true.
HIS HONOUR:Do we assume this is a plea of not guilty?
MR.SMART:Yes,I think we can assume that.
PRISONER:I fk you,answer you,stuff you, poofter.Is that enough for you answer?
HIS HONOUR:That is no answer,but I take it as a plea of not guilty.In view of the outrageous outburst from the accused,I assume that the torrent of language from him is a plea of not guilty to each count.Remand for trial.Has someone been imprudent enough to grant a bail agreement?
MR. SMART:I hesitate to ask him
PRISONER:fk you.
HIS HONOUR:Do you wish to ask for bail?
PRISONER:You ask yourself bail,poofter. Now ask me.
HIS HONOUR:I don't have to ask.
PRISONER:fk the bail,fk Australia.
HIS HONOUR:I take it ,then, you don't wish to seek bail.
PRISONER:Stuff that.
HIS HONOUR:No application for bail,the accused is remanded for trial in custody.
PRISONER:fking bd,poofter,melon-arse.
reminds me of a local scallywag where I grew up, in the local magistrates court acting all cocky on front of his mates giving it large to anybody that would listen, Then at the sentencing the magistrate said he would be sentenced to 3 months, "I'll do that standing on me head" was the cocky reply to which the magistrate said "well do you want an extra 3 months to get back on your feet?"

I'm not sure what the actual outcome was as there were two different versions one that said it turns out the magistrate couldn't do that, and the other that said eh started being nice to the bench. I suspect the first version was his own and the second was of those watching. He did only do 3 months though.

omgus

7,305 posts

174 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all
One of my Mothers, and now my, favourite insults. I was about 11 when i first heard it, although i didn't really understand it until i was a bit older.

Me and my mother were coming back from the Science Museum and we'd missed our connection at Richmond. The 30 minute wait turned into the occasional treat of a burger and chips at Macdonalds (the stty one right near Richmond station), as it is about 7:30pm on a Saturday there are a few "yoofs" about generally being little s.
As we walk to a table with me holding the tray of food and Mother striding ahead one of the little stes pushes a chair out in front of her, nothing serious just a little "fk ya" to the posh looking woman.
Sadly for him although she looked every bit the middle class, polite non-confrontational officers wife she had in fact grown up in a dog-rough fishing village on the East coast of Scotland before Uni in Glasgow where she mastered the imitation Govan accent, without breaking stride she fking hoofs the chair out of the way sending it flying into another table and in the thickest Govan accent she can muster turns to the now slightly terrified lads and says,

"I bet your mouth bleeds every 28days you little gobste, now fk off!"

11yo me was pretty was pretty shocked my mother swore, when 13yo me figured out the true depth of the insult i was very amused.



Edit to add after seeing the above story, my Mother is a bloody JP now. If you hear of any rude, sarcastic and offensive tales of a Surrey Magistrate with a Scottish accent they might have some basis.

MocMocaMoc

1,524 posts

140 months

Wednesday 8th January 2014
quotequote all

+
Buster73 said:
More of a put down , but when I served my time as a mechanic I cut my finger once , to which one of the older guys said " I've had bigger cuts on my cock "

Still never complain about small cuts to this day.
Haha, I've had this one before. Little cut on my finger and "I'VE HAD BIGGER CUTS ON MY COCK AND STILL HAD IT SUCKED!" from my older, army backrounded mate.

I was only a kid back then, and so a little spotty. He was asking why I hadn't asked this girl out, so I told him "because I've got a massive f*ck off spot on my face and I don't want to look a state when I do it"

And so... "IVE HAD BIGGER SPOTS ON MY COCK AND STILL HAD IT SUCKED!"

I asked her out, and she said yes! Best arse I've ever touched I swear to God.

So, cheers for that, Dave (RIP) : )