The best insult you've ever heard

[Shambler]

When ever someone comes out with an insult I always say "did you just say that or are you warming that mouth up for an ahole"

[rex]

L555BAT said:

Anyone have any of the subtle read between the lines insults that can be used on work performance reviews of other people?

Best one I've heard of was inspired by a certain consultancy's grading system of consistent with/above/significantly above peer group. Obviously won't work for performance reviews at that company.

You say that xxx stands out amongst his peer group (or words to same effect), which effectively insults the person in question and the people he works with. They're all rubbish, but he's slightly better.

Plausibly deniable insult.

I always like the one on a reference when it states that "xxxx is often punctual"

[rex]

bomma220 said:

ikarl said:

RDJ said:

You're so thin that when the lightening flashes you look like a xray

it's 'an' xray, not 'a' xray

It's neither. It's an 'x-ray'. And it's 'an electrostatic discharge', not 'lightening' (sic). Illiterate pheasants.

It is not an X-ray you are looking at. It is a radiograph. This is an image that can be seen by the eye (in the visible light spectrum) produced by an X-ray (wavelength 0.01-10nm) hitting a sensor that is sensitive to this wavelength.

Pheasants.














Can anyone point me towards the direction of the geeks thread

[Pommygranite]

rex said:

Pheasants.

Ducks?

[mybrainhurts]

Guardian reader...

[Pommygranite]

Another thread where 99% of it is made up in the posters head based on what they wished they'd said to someone who annoyed them.

[mybrainhurts]

Pommygranite said:

Another thread where 99% of it is made up in the posters head based on what they wished they'd said to someone who annoyed them.

If that's the best insult you've ever heard, you scabby, flea infested wktard of a dog breath, you need a vigorous scratch around your whiffy groin...

[Pommygranite]

mybrainhurts said:

Pommygranite said:

Another thread where 99% of it is made up in the posters head based on what they wished they'd said to someone who annoyed them.

If that's the best insult you've ever heard, you scabby, flea infested wktard of a dog breath, you need a vigorous scratch around your whiffy groin...

Well I heard it from your mum. When i said heard, it was a muffled sound as she had her mouth full. When I say mouth full thats what the guy at the front said. Or was it the guy at the back, erm I'm not sure, I was in the crowd watching.

[wiffmaster]

"Out of my way, you fking human mooncup."

From the brilliant Malcolm Tucker.

[RJO]

Pommygranite said:

mybrainhurts said:

Pommygranite said:

Another thread where 99% of it is made up in the posters head based on what they wished they'd said to someone who annoyed them.

If that's the best insult you've ever heard, you scabby, flea infested wktard of a dog breath, you need a vigorous scratch around your whiffy groin...

Well I heard it from your mum. When i said heard, it was a muffled sound as she had her mouth full. When I say mouth full thats what the guy at the front said. Or was it the guy at the back, erm I'm not sure, I was in the crowd watching.

And perhaps your vision was obscured as they brought on the donkey.

[lord trumpton]

- Was your mother a weightlifter? She must have been to raise a fking dumbell like you.

I think that was from chubby brown

[K50 DEL]

All my life I've been the one who thinks of great retorts 10 minutes too late... except one time in the local chippie after a few beers many moons ago.

The girl in front of me dropped a 5p piece on the floor so I picked it up and gave it back to her... to which she said "is that all I'm worth"

Quick as a flash I replied..... "nope, I expect change"

Don't know where it came from but it got a laugh from all who heard it (except the girl obviously!)

[SpeckledJim]

sc0tt said:

DUMBO100 said:

True story but I went for a job interview not that long ago and the tt said I "looked a bit like Alex Salmond" I accepted the position, didn't turn up and am now 2 stone lighter.

thats brilliant.

I once went for a job interview and the chap doing it was an utter belm.

He was just running through my CV telling me how poorly laid out it was.

After ten minutes of the barrage of twatery with him mid sentence i just got up and walked out.

Needless to say, you had the last laugh.

[Pagey]

I had a fat, pot f-ing ugly woman pull out without indication and clearly not checking her mirror from from a line of cars parked on double yellow lines outside a school.

I was driving a LHD Yank pickup that is is somewhat large, there is no way on earth she could have not seen it if she looked in the mirror I leant on the horn, swerved and stopped alongside her and looked right at her and shook my head. She had two kids in the car, she started shouting and swearing straight away, shaking my head I drove off.

The dozy bint pulled up on my inside at traffic lights just down the road, and started ranting that I should show more f-ing consideration outside a school! I shouldn't be driving something so big, if I want to drive a car that big I should F-off to America

I casually leant out of my window and enquired as to whether she thought she should drive a bit more carefully when picking someone else's kids up from school because as a childminder she has a duty of care to the children

She replied "they are my fking kids"

I feigned surprise and enquired whether she had adopted them, as they were different ages and surely no one would sleep with someone so fat and ugly twice

She went mental, I gave her a cheery smile, winked and the lights changed and continued on my merry way with the G/F sitting beside me laughing and calling me an evil bar steward

[mybrainhurts]

Pommygranite said:

mybrainhurts said:

Pommygranite said:

Another thread where 99% of it is made up in the posters head based on what they wished they'd said to someone who annoyed them.

If that's the best insult you've ever heard, you scabby, flea infested wktard of a dog breath, you need a vigorous scratch around your whiffy groin...

Well I heard it from your mum. When i said heard, it was a muffled sound as she had her mouth full. When I say mouth full thats what the guy at the front said. Or was it the guy at the back, erm I'm not sure, I was in the crowd watching.

My mum died eight years ago, you sweaty necrophile...

[StuntmanMike]

mybrainhurts said:

Pommygranite said:

mybrainhurts said:

Pommygranite said:

Another thread where 99% of it is made up in the posters head based on what they wished they'd said to someone who annoyed them.

If that's the best insult you've ever heard, you scabby, flea infested wktard of a dog breath, you need a vigorous scratch around your whiffy groin...

Well I heard it from your mum. When i said heard, it was a muffled sound as she had her mouth full. When I say mouth full thats what the guy at the front said. Or was it the guy at the back, erm I'm not sure, I was in the crowd watching.

My mum died eight years ago, you sweaty necrophile...

He likes them 'earthy'

[slopes]

StuntmanMike said:

mybrainhurts said:

Pommygranite said:

mybrainhurts said:

Pommygranite said:

Another thread where 99% of it is made up in the posters head based on what they wished they'd said to someone who annoyed them.

If that's the best insult you've ever heard, you scabby, flea infested wktard of a dog breath, you need a vigorous scratch around your whiffy groin...

Well I heard it from your mum. When i said heard, it was a muffled sound as she had her mouth full. When I say mouth full thats what the guy at the front said. Or was it the guy at the back, erm I'm not sure, I was in the crowd watching.

My mum died eight years ago, you sweaty necrophile...

He likes them 'ripe'

EFA

[e8_pack]

MocMocaMoc said:

+

Buster73 said:

More of a put down , but when I served my time as a mechanic I cut my finger once , to which one of the older guys said " I've had bigger cuts on my cock "

Still never complain about small cuts to this day.

Haha, I've had this one before. Little cut on my finger and "I'VE HAD BIGGER CUTS ON MY COCK AND STILL HAD IT SUCKED!" from my older, army backrounded mate.

I was only a kid back then, and so a little spotty. He was asking why I hadn't asked this girl out, so I told him "because I've got a massive f*ck off spot on my face and I don't want to look a state when I do it"

And so... "IVE HAD BIGGER SPOTS ON MY COCK AND STILL HAD IT SUCKED!"

I asked her out, and she said yes! Best arse I've ever touched I swear to God.

So, cheers for that, Dave (RIP) : )

When i was an apprentice, i heard something very similar - my friend cut his finger while working on a lathe - the retort from the experienced tradesman was pretty much the same "had bigger cuts on my cock" or owrds to that effect, i forget the exact words.

My friend replied without any hesitation: "what were you doing with your cock in the lathe?"

[e8_pack]

The Surveyor said:

Ossiantoad said:

A doctor friend of mine told me that as a junior houseman she used to put the acronym D.T.S. on the notes of overweight patients.

Danger To Shipping.

My Mum used to work as a midwife many moons ago, they used to use the acronym 'F.L.K' on babies who looks sufficiently odd, to save doing repeat tests. Stood for 'Funny Looking Kid'.

On a more serious note, I heard of a solicitor getting an abbreviation translated on a radio transcript from a police officer who attended a crash scene - the abbreviation used was TFF. it translated to: Too Fooking Fast

[Jonny_]

wiffmaster said:

"Out of my way, you fking human mooncup."

From the brilliant Malcolm Tucker.

I just googled "mooncup".

Wish I hadn't!