The best insult you've ever heard

[Pommygranite]

mybrainhurts said:

Pommygranite said:

mybrainhurts said:

Pommygranite said:

Another thread where 99% of it is made up in the posters head based on what they wished they'd said to someone who annoyed them.

If that's the best insult you've ever heard, you scabby, flea infested wktard of a dog breath, you need a vigorous scratch around your whiffy groin...

Well I heard it from your mum. When i said heard, it was a muffled sound as she had her mouth full. When I say mouth full thats what the guy at the front said. Or was it the guy at the back, erm I'm not sure, I was in the crowd watching.

My mum died eight years ago, you sweaty necrophile...

I was talking about your other mum. The one that looks like Harry Potter.

[LordGrover]

mybrainhurts said:

Guardian reader...

Guardian readers can read?
There'll be calls to let them vote next!

[blindswelledrat]

Shambler said:

When ever someone comes out with an insult I always say "did you just say that or are you warming that mouth up for an ahole"

Why?

[Disastrous]

blindswelledrat said:

Shambler said:

When ever someone comes out with an insult I always say "did you just say that or are you warming that mouth up for an ahole"

Why?

Agreed. I genuinely wouldn't know what you meant by that.

"I'm not sure what you mean by that but for the avoidance of doubt, I just insulted you" I'd be forced to say. "It's impossible to warm a mouth up for a body part, if that's what you meant and equally it's impossible to warm a mouth up for someone else to you, just in case you meant that. Perhaps you could explain?"

It would be a very weird conversation.

[kiseca]

Disastrous said:

blindswelledrat said:

Shambler said:

When ever someone comes out with an insult I always say "did you just say that or are you warming that mouth up for an ahole"

Why?

Agreed. I genuinely wouldn't know what you meant by that.

"I'm not sure what you mean by that but for the avoidance of doubt, I just insulted you" I'd be forced to say. "It's impossible to warm a mouth up for a body part, if that's what you meant and equally it's impossible to warm a mouth up for someone else to you, just in case you meant that. Perhaps you could explain?"

It would be a very weird conversation.

Yes, it all sounds about as funny as a screen door on a battleship

[Tannedbaldhead]

e8_pack said:

The Surveyor said:

Ossiantoad said:

A doctor friend of mine told me that as a junior houseman she used to put the acronym D.T.S. on the notes of overweight patients.

Danger To Shipping.

My Mum used to work as a midwife many moons ago, they used to use the acronym 'F.L.K' on babies who looks sufficiently odd, to save doing repeat tests. Stood for 'Funny Looking Kid'.

On a more serious note, I heard of a solicitor getting an abbreviation translated on a radio transcript from a police officer who attended a crash scene - the abbreviation used was TFF. it translated to: Too Fooking Fast

I was reviewing a tradesman's worksheets on a council housing contract and notices the letters "NCI" penciled in on all the properties where he was unable to gain access. As it was an abbreviation I hadn't come across before I asked him what it stood for.

"No c**t in" was his reply.

[Martin4x4]

Attributed to Churchill but who knows

"I may be drunk my dear, but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly"

[HereBeMonsters]

Martin4x4 said:

Attributed to Churchill but who knows

"I may be drunk my dear, but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly"

Oh ffs. Is there some sort of local PH law that we have to have this on EVERY fkING PAGE?

[loafer123]

HereBeMonsters said:

Martin4x4 said:

Attributed to Churchill but who knows

"I may be drunk my dear, but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly"

Oh ffs. Is there some sort of local PH law that we have to have this on EVERY fkING PAGE?

Clause 15.1 on the T&C's.

http://www.pistonheads.com/terms.htm

It's in 6pt Arial White, so most people miss it.

[Disastrous]

My favourite was Winston Churchill who, on being accused of being drunk by a woman inconsequential to this narrative replied "Yes madam I am, but in the morning I shall be sober whilst you'll still be ugly"

[RobinBanks]

It's not the best but I laughed. Yesterday in the pub there was a drunk man wandering around the tables and trying to talk to girls. A man was at the next table with a girl and the drunk one started trying to chat her up, which the man with the girl obviously didn't like.

He said, "you look like a fat and st Peter Barlow."

My friend and I found it funny. But maybe you had to be there.....

[blindswelledrat]

I think sometimes the lamest insults can be funniest.
A work colleague almost got knocked off his motorbike by an acid faced self-important looking woman driving a Prius who wound her window down to remonstrate.
He was so angry, all he managed on the spur of the moment was to shout "FAT. st CAR" and rode off embarrassed. Yet I love that as an insult and have wanted to use it ever since,

Edited by blindswelledrat on Monday 17th November 14:33

[LordGrover]

Bus w*nkers?

Not the most eloquent or literary insult, probably more abuse anyway - but it made me laugh at the time.

[Tannedbaldhead]

Old Scotsman tugged by plod for allegedly letting his dog defecate on parkland and not clearing it up. In truth the dog was a bh and crouching to pee. His put down to the accusing officer

"Son, if you cannae tell the difference between a pish and a ste you'll never make detective."

[moleamol]

Disastrous said:

My favourite was Winston Churchill who, on being accused of being drunk by a woman inconsequential to this narrative replied "Yes madam I am, but in the morning I shall be sober whilst you'll still be ugly"

That's probably the best so far!

[Disastrous]

moleamol said:

Disastrous said:

My favourite was Winston Churchill who, on being accused of being drunk by a woman inconsequential to this narrative replied "Yes madam I am, but in the morning I shall be sober whilst you'll still be ugly"

That's probably the best so far!

In that case, you should hear what Winston Churchill said when he was accused of being drunk!

[stuttgartmetal]

Always good to use on gobby birds...

Dya kiss your kids with that mouth?

[Ossiantoad]

Apologies if this is a pea-roast but my favourite is the one about Winston Churchill. Apparently some cheeky bint accused him of being handsome and he comes back, quick as a flash, and says 'yes madam, but in the morning you will drink the coffee I've put poison in!'

Lolz! #Banter!

You couldn't make it up!

Almost swiftian in its rapier-like subtlety!

Edited by Ossiantoad on Tuesday 18th November 12:02

[blindswelledrat]

Ossiantoad said:

Lolz! #Banter!
!

What are you doing? What did any of that post mean? Of course it wasn't a repost. nobody else would have typed any of that.

[GTIR]

German friend says to my Scottish mate "I like drinking with Scottish people because it means I don't have the worst English accent"



Classic, and from a Kraut.