The best insult you've ever heard
Discussion
blindswelledrat said:
I think sometimes the lamest insults can be funniest.
A work colleague almost got knocked off his motorbike by an acid faced self-important looking woman driving a Prius who wound her window down to remonstrate.
He was so angry, all he managed on the spur of the moment was to shout "FAT. s
t CAR" and rode off embarrassed. Yet I love that as an insult and have wanted to use it ever since,
I like that one a lot! Simple and obvious.A work colleague almost got knocked off his motorbike by an acid faced self-important looking woman driving a Prius who wound her window down to remonstrate.
He was so angry, all he managed on the spur of the moment was to shout "FAT. s
t CAR" and rode off embarrassed. Yet I love that as an insult and have wanted to use it ever since,Edited by blindswelledrat on Monday 17th November 14:33
I've just seen this one on another thread:
SpeckledJim said:
0a said:
brickwall said:
Barge bought
So today I flew to Edinburgh, met Sam, and after (electronically) exchanging a few pieces of silver, I drove away in his 745i.
So smooth. So fast. So luxurious.
Apart from the satnav freezing 5 miles from home, it behaved faultlessly for the whole 500 miles, and the computer claims a pleasing 27.5mpg.
Tomorrow I shall take it to the car wash, then photos to follow.
Congratulations - take into account the lower cost of petrol and that's the same economy as SpeckledJim's E280 diesel So today I flew to Edinburgh, met Sam, and after (electronically) exchanging a few pieces of silver, I drove away in his 745i.
So smooth. So fast. So luxurious.
Apart from the satnav freezing 5 miles from home, it behaved faultlessly for the whole 500 miles, and the computer claims a pleasing 27.5mpg.
Tomorrow I shall take it to the car wash, then photos to follow.
What route did you take South?
Not a fan of the royals but prince Phillip's hilarious
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/prince-philip...
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/prince-philip...
Ossiantoad said:
Apologies if this is a pea-roast but my favourite is the one about Winston Churchill. Apparently some cheeky bint accused him of being handsome and he comes back, quick as a flash, and says 'yes madam, but in the morning you will drink the coffee I've put poison in!'
Lolz! #Banter!
You couldn't make it up!
Almost swiftian in its rapier-like subtlety!
Lolz! #Banter!
You couldn't make it up!
Almost swiftian in its rapier-like subtlety!
Edited by Ossiantoad on Tuesday 18th November 12:02
Maybe it's just me, but this post actually made me laugh out loud MontyC said:
Not a fan of the royals but prince Phillip's hilarious
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/prince-philip...
I've been lucky enough to be a guest at a Royal Visit. The tension built up and up in the weeks and days before the visit. Everyone had to be in the building by 9.00am, with passport ID. Then everyone was in position for an hour, until the motorcade arrived. Once it arrived the Queen came in to meet and greet, and everyone was pretty nervous, as it was a once in a lifetime for us. Obviously its the day job for her, so she's all formal, as we expect.http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/prince-philip...
Then Phillip comes down the line, cracks a few gags and the tension just melts away. Everyone relaxes and enjoys the day. I reckon that's his day job, get the crowd on side. It's just that sometimes people repeat the gags where perhaps discression might be more in keeping.
The story below is 100% true, I take no credit for the originality of the insult although i can't remember where i heard it and I don't think i'll ever match it again.
About 3 years ago I was in our village pub with my wife and another couple. We were at the bar and chatting away etc when this really posh obnoxious woman literally wallks into the middle of us, turns to my mate and myself and enquires as to whether we were single as her friend in the lounge had just broken up with a guy and needed a new fella.
I still don't know what exactly went through my head, i think it was just meant to be a light hearted bit of banter / no thanks love i'm married sort of reply but the words ' ...is she like the last chicken in Sainsburys? everyones gropped her but no one fancies taking her home?' came.
she rather quickly left whilst doing a good impression of a guppy fish. My friend Clare virtually needed CPR
About 3 years ago I was in our village pub with my wife and another couple. We were at the bar and chatting away etc when this really posh obnoxious woman literally wallks into the middle of us, turns to my mate and myself and enquires as to whether we were single as her friend in the lounge had just broken up with a guy and needed a new fella.
I still don't know what exactly went through my head, i think it was just meant to be a light hearted bit of banter / no thanks love i'm married sort of reply but the words ' ...is she like the last chicken in Sainsburys? everyones gropped her but no one fancies taking her home?' came.
she rather quickly left whilst doing a good impression of a guppy fish. My friend Clare virtually needed CPR
The story below is 100% true, I take no credit for the originality of the insult although i can't remember where i heard it and I don't think i'll ever match it again.
About 3 years ago I was in our village pub with my wife and another couple. We were at the bar and chatting away etc when this really posh obnoxious woman literally wallks into the middle of us, turns to my mate and myself and enquires as to whether we were single as her friend in the lounge had just broken up with a guy and needed a new fella.
I still don't know what exactly went through my head, i think it was just meant to be a light hearted bit of banter / no thanks love i'm married sort of reply but the words ' ...is she like the last chicken in Sainsburys? everyones gropped her but no one fancies taking her home?' came.
she rather quickly left whilst doing a good impression of a guppy fish. My friend Clare virtually needed CPR
About 3 years ago I was in our village pub with my wife and another couple. We were at the bar and chatting away etc when this really posh obnoxious woman literally wallks into the middle of us, turns to my mate and myself and enquires as to whether we were single as her friend in the lounge had just broken up with a guy and needed a new fella.
I still don't know what exactly went through my head, i think it was just meant to be a light hearted bit of banter / no thanks love i'm married sort of reply but the words ' ...is she like the last chicken in Sainsburys? everyones gropped her but no one fancies taking her home?' came.
she rather quickly left whilst doing a good impression of a guppy fish. My friend Clare virtually needed CPR
oddball1973 said:
The story below is 100% true, I take no credit for the originality of the insult although i can't remember where i heard it and I don't think i'll ever match it again.
About 3 years ago I was in our village pub with my wife and another couple. We were at the bar and chatting away etc when this really posh obnoxious woman literally wallks into the middle of us, turns to my mate and myself and enquires as to whether we were single as her friend in the lounge had just broken up with a guy and needed a new fella.
I still don't know what exactly went through my head, i think it was just meant to be a light hearted bit of banter / no thanks love i'm married sort of reply but the words ' ...is she like the last chicken in Sainsburys? everyones gropped her but no one fancies taking her home?' came.
she rather quickly left whilst doing a good impression of a guppy fish. My friend Clare virtually needed CPR
About 3 years ago I was in our village pub with my wife and another couple. We were at the bar and chatting away etc when this really posh obnoxious woman literally wallks into the middle of us, turns to my mate and myself and enquires as to whether we were single as her friend in the lounge had just broken up with a guy and needed a new fella.
I still don't know what exactly went through my head, i think it was just meant to be a light hearted bit of banter / no thanks love i'm married sort of reply but the words ' ...is she like the last chicken in Sainsburys? everyones gropped her but no one fancies taking her home?' came.
she rather quickly left whilst doing a good impression of a guppy fish. My friend Clare virtually needed CPR
Any pics of Clare?
lord trumpton said:
Any pics of Clare?
Remembered this classic
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206 taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark ... and I didn't land
RobinBanks said:
lukefreeman said:
Hmmmmm I like:
" you've got no fans....you got no ground...... Do you want some? I'll give it ya"
Where's the insult in that? That's just a comment that doesn't make sense." you've got no fans....you got no ground...... Do you want some? I'll give it ya"
More like a retort......but
bus into heathrow terminals for staff around 5.30 one morning, crammed full.
absoloute babe makes her way to the exit (where myself and my apprentice are standing) and disembarks at T2....
apprentice pipes up "nice arse"
to which she responds "yeah, but you wouldn't like it packed full of st first thing in the morning tho"
The collective gasp was priceless
bus into heathrow terminals for staff around 5.30 one morning, crammed full.
absoloute babe makes her way to the exit (where myself and my apprentice are standing) and disembarks at T2....
apprentice pipes up "nice arse"
to which she responds "yeah, but you wouldn't like it packed full of s
t first thing in the morning tho"The collective gasp was priceless
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