The best insult you've ever heard

[mybrainhurts]

You look like Jeremy Corbyn...

[Tony Starks]

marmitemania said:

If someone say's whats that horrible smell? I say 'It must be your breath blowing back in your face.

Its supposed to be 'thats your nose too close to your arse'.

[cookmysock]

may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your crotch

[glenrobbo]

In a workplace sone years ago there was a rather portly team leader chappie, not exactly popular due to his supercilious manner and brusque treatment of his minions.
He decided to go on a diet and fitness regime and after about a week one of the girls from logistics asked him if he had lost weight.....


....or had he got a slow puncture?


Brilliant!

He went from puffed up with pride to totally deflated in a couple of seconds.

Cruel but thoroughly deserved.

[e21Mark]

"If you're waiting for my comeback it's all over your Mums teeth"





Only kidding.







She swallowed every drop!

[Jimmytno1]

Driving through our local town centre in the summer when most of the holiday makers wrongly assume that the road is pedestrianised, my friend wound down his window and shouted at the 2 rather rotund ladies walking in the middle of the road "oi fatties, get on the pavement, I haven't got enough petrol to drive around both of you"

[DavieW]

A workshop foreman to one of his apprentices in a garage I used to visit - "you have the memory of a goldfish"

[Tony Starks]

DavieW said:

A workshop foreman to one of his apprentices in a garage I used to visit - "you have the memory of a goldfish"

Am i due a whoosh parrot?

[Evangelion]

I'm one of those people who can always think of a witty reply, but usually when it's too late to use it.

One exception was when I went out with a girl who was only 4 ft 10, and she once claimed to have been a model in her younger days.
Well I was quick, but perhaps not wise to ask, "what scale?"

[mybrainhurts]

Are you French..?

[Cotty]

From the film The Football Factory "Jog on you muggy little !"

[sim16v]

Was out one night in a dodgy nightclub and a big headed tt flashed his bits to a group of girls.

Quick as a flash, one of them shouted, "oh, look at that, its like a penis but smaller!"


Everyone was in stitches laughing as the bloke made a hasty retreat

[amancalledrob]

"You're the reason daddy drinks."

So harsh and so potentially laden with consequences that I've never had the balls (or malice) to use it myself

[Jonmx]

From the Scottish Referendum thread in NP&E, someone was described as having left in an 'epic flounce'. Which reminded me of a very posh, very gay chap I know who described Owen Jones as being a 'grade A mincer'. About the only bloke I know who could get away with it!

[blindswelledrat]

e21Mark said:

"If you're waiting for my comeback it's all over your Mums teeth"


Only kidding.

She swallowed every drop!

Doesn't make sense.

[Disastrous]

blindswelledrat said:

e21Mark said:

"If you're waiting for my comeback it's all over your Mums teeth"


Only kidding.

She swallowed every drop!

Doesn't make sense.

Pretty sure he means that somehow his comeback manifested itself as some sort of physical substance rather than the typically expected words, which his insulter's mum then swallowed. I'm not sure why her teeth are relevant or what the point of it all is but I wouldn't feel deeply insulted somehow.

[Legend83]

I liked the one I had never heard of on Inside No.9 a couple of weeks back.

"Oooh, you're a right blue-c0ck!"

"What's a blue-c0ck?"

"A tight-fisted w*nker!"

[NoNeed]

I was once told not to let my mind wonder, as it's far to small to be out on its own.

[Doofus]

I heard a fantastic response to a put down a wbile ago.

Bloke: You have two ears and only one mouth. I think that's because you're supposed to talk less, and listen more.
Other bloke: And you have two legs and only one head. That's because you're supposed to think less and fk off.

[Jonmx]

I watched Gran Torino again the other day. Clint Eastwood really is a master of insults. His line to the priest is one of the more repeatable ones..