The best insult you've ever heard

[MocMocaMoc]

omgus said:

"I bet your mouth bleeds every 28days you little gobste, now fk off!"

I'm having that.

Genius.

[mybrainhurts]

You remind me of Cliff Richard...

[LordLoveLength]

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[Gretchen]

"Your one".


I can't help myself. Even use this on my kids when I see someone 'special'. I've been told I've got to watch the new series of The Undateables alone because of my habit.

[ditchvisitor]

You've got a face like melted Lego always amuses me!

[Axionknight]

GTIR said:

You were too busy looking at that guys cock to notice me.

Busted

[Centurion07]

Frankie Boyle on James Arthur:

"an alien-headed busker", and my favourite "a snaggle-toothed grammar holocaust" after JA tried unsuccessfully to trashtalk him back.

[Axionknight]

Justin Cyder said:

Clive Anderson to Jeffrey Archer - Is there no beginning to your talents?

Another good one from the same interview, "Very funny Clive, the old jokes really are the best" to which he replies "yes, I've read your book".

[Justin Cyder]

Not exactly a put down, but a reality check & one I've never forgotten in my band duties.

Tommy Dorsey offered a musician for his band & told he's a nice guy: 'Nice guys are a dime a dozen, bring me one prick who can play'.

[mybrainhurts]

Spiffing one from Winston Churchill...

Bessie Braddock...Sir, you are drunk.

Churchill... Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober, but you will still be ugly

[MiniMan64]

Cock-juggling thunder- always stuck in my head from a certain film.

[voyds9]

(I may look like Boris Johnson)

Walking home form work, a group of yoofs walking towards me.

One yoof say: Alright Boris and tries to shake my hand

Me: That's very brave of you............wearing your pubes as a hat

All his mates start to call him dhead

[VerbalKent]

A guy I work with once said to me,

'She was so ugly, she'd make an onion cry!'. Had me in stitches..

[mybrainhurts]

So you're a veggie, then....?

[DRCAGE]

From a 13 year old traveller to one of the girls commenting on her new fake tan...

"you look like a maggot from here"

[VerbalKent]

mybrainhurts said:

So you're a veggie, then....?

You're stalking me aren't you?!

[TwigtheWonderkid]

Cataldo said:

Charlie Brooker referring to Paul Hollywood as a 'Laser eyed barn owl' cracked me up the other night. Not a direct insult but funny none the less.

He described Mumford & Sons as "trust fund Wurzels".

My faves, a girl I know, to a guy who came up to her in a club and said "I'd love to get into your knickers" to which she replied "I think one in there is enough".

When I used to play football, I came up from the back for a corner. One of their defenders shouted "someone mark the fat bloke who's come up from the back", to which one of my team mates replied "Oi, he may be fat...but he's slow!"

And a woman, describing having sex after with Sir Nicholas Soames, "it was like a very large double wardrobe falling in top of me.....with the key still in the lock."

[woodlands]

I worked for a software company where the head of development was a complete nightmare. He irritated everybody. One days I returned to the office with a colleague who was slightly the worse for wear, and feeling particularly confrontational.
We went into a meeting with the head of development, and my colleague said in the middle of the meeting "when your wife conceived, she must have been on the top, because I am convinced you can only ever f£&k up"

[Hairbrakes]

The best one I've ever heard of is to be used in when someone tries one of your own insults on you:

"If I wanted my own comeback I'd have wiped your mum's chin"

[tali1]

Best one i heard was Leonard Rossiter in Rising Damp .An old biddy offended by him gaspsed "I have never been so insulted in my life!"
Rigsby " You should get out more often love"