The best insult you've ever heard

[underwhelmist]

Ray Luxury-Yacht said:

Cataldo said:

Charlie Brooker referring to Paul Hollywood as a 'Laser eyed barn owl' cracked me up the other night. Not a direct insult but funny none the less.

He's always good for an insult is Brooker.

Another one of his that rolled me up: "Barking obelisk Chris Moyles..."

My favourite Brookerism is "Piers Morgan, the simpering human perineum." I just don't see how that can be bettered.

[crofty1984]

Once used "he'd be out of his depth in a fking puddle". Which was fun, if not particularly original.

A couple from work:
Colleague No 1 pipes up about something
Colleague No 2 "Oh who put 50p in the tt?"

The same pair of colleagues:
No 2 calls the office to talk to No 1 but doesn't get through, so he calls me instead. First words it off his mouth were "where the fk's that bobble-headed tt?"

Edited by crofty1984 on Thursday 16th March 07:16

[Koan]

Frrair said:

Sorry, perhaps I wasn't clear.

If he hadn't arrived with such a superior attitude telling those that were or weren't going to unload him how they do it much better in Germany then he would have been away about 4.5 hours earlier.

So you admit you basically proved him right?

[Trophy Husband]

She had a fanny like a yawning donkey.

[frg530]

For those that can't get to work on time, not so much of an insult just a good reminder "Do you think you'd take full time if they offered it to you?" usually best said in front of many others

One I heard the other day that made me laugh "As thick as a Zulu's foreskin"

[blindswelledrat]

frg530 said:

For those that can't get to work on time, not so much of an insult just a good reminder "Do you think you'd take full time if they offered it to you?" usually best said in front of many others

I quite like that. I will definitely try it next week

frg said:

One I heard the other day that made me laugh "As thick as a Zulu's foreskin"

I don't get it? Does a Zulu have a particularly thick foreskin? I assume not, therefore it doesn't make sense and is certainly not an insult because you are effectively saying "as thick as something that is normal thickness"

[Disastrous]

e21Mark said:

Disastrous said:

blindswelledrat said:

e21Mark said:

"If you're waiting for my comeback it's all over your Mums teeth"


Only kidding.

She swallowed every drop!

Doesn't make sense.

Pretty sure he means that somehow his comeback manifested itself as some sort of physical substance rather than the typically expected words, which his insulter's mum then swallowed. I'm not sure why her teeth are relevant or what the point of it all is but I wouldn't feel deeply insulted somehow.

I shouldn't have been so lazy and posted the link where I heard it.

https://youtu.be/zFktLjdHjno

I think that becomes funnier in context, to be fair.

[C.A.R.]

Best insult I've ever had was from my wonderful older sister.

Picture the scenario;

I'm 17 (nearly 18) and going out 'on the pull' in town with my mates. I've donned my best Animal shirt (likely from TK Max) and splashed some of my dads aftershave, put loads of that sticky gel stuff in my barnet and I'm feeling pretty good. Waiting for said mates to arrive so we can walk into town, my darling older sister arrives home and simply says-

"Did you mean to look like that?"

Completely straight-faced. Like she didn't even know she was throwing an insult. It was a genuine enquiry; did I know that I looked like a pillock?

Knocked my confidence a bit. Cheeky cow.

[telecat]

At the bar on a Cruise Ship waiting to order a round. Bar tenders a bit busy but he's got me in the queue. Turns to get my order and the bint next to me whose just turned up pipes up with "Whys he getting served when I have been waiting". The Barman is looking confused as she has just appeared and My 18 Year old son is about to launch into a tirade. "Well" I said "If you NEED a drink that badly please go Ahead".

[frg530]

blindswelledrat said:

I don't get it? Does a Zulu have a particularly thick foreskin? I assume not, therefore it doesn't make sense and is certainly not an insult because you are effectively saying "as thick as something that is normal thickness"

I don't know if they do or not, it made me laugh though.

[frg530]

Stolen from Viz - Roger's Profanisaurus, it's years old but this is my favourite, ever:

Terry Waite's allotment:

sim. Descriptive of a badly-overgrown ladygarden. ‘Marriette was powerless to resist. His eyes burned into hers like emeralds. His muscular arms enfolded her body as she felt herself being swept away in a monsoon of passion. ‘Bloody hell! You've got a tw@t like Terry Waite's allotment!' he cried, as he pulled out the waistband of her bloomers and peered inside.' (from The Peasant Girl and the First World War Soldier by Barbara Cartland).

[Budflicker]

telecat said:

At the bar on a Cruise Ship waiting to order a round. Bar tenders a bit busy but he's got me in the queue. Turns to get my order and the bint next to me whose just turned up pipes up with "Whys he getting served when I have been waiting". The Barman is looking confused as she has just appeared and My 18 Year old son is about to launch into a tirade. "Well" I said "If you NEED a drink that badly please go Ahead".

Blimey, that's a bit strong, I wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of one of your strongly worded emails.

[mybrainhurts]

Budflicker said:

telecat said:

At the bar on a Cruise Ship waiting to order a round. Bar tenders a bit busy but he's got me in the queue. Turns to get my order and the bint next to me whose just turned up pipes up with "Whys he getting served when I have been waiting". The Barman is looking confused as she has just appeared and My 18 Year old son is about to launch into a tirade. "Well" I said "If you NEED a drink that badly please go Ahead".

Blimey, that's a bit strong, I wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of one of your strongly worded emails.

He missed the bit where he farted in her general direction...

[threespires]

Trophy Husband said:

She had a fanny like a yawning donkey.

☺☺

[Squishey]

That bloke could eat a pork pie through a letterbox!

[exelero]

When I was at a Uni gig a supposed to be famous DJ Girl had a concert I walked up to the stage and asked her when she was half way through her "show" saying:

"Excuse me darling, don't you know when the DJ is gonna show up?"



Security removed me from the venue, worth it

[Evangelion]

Somebody playing records is called a 'concert' now?

I'd say that was an insult ... to musicians.

[Cobalt Blue]

From another forum discussing new Lib Dem MP Sarah Olney "She has teeth that Druids could use as a place of worship"

And, discussing a person's chance of pulling a woman "Her legs have been together longer than Status Quo"

[J1JPE]

Wom ba dan

Translates from Mandarin into something quite rude ... apparently

[DickyC]

You're a jumped-up, never-come-down, brothel-bred, tomato-arsed, bd.