The best insult you've ever heard

[Fluffsri]

In Afghan I was with a guy who was a proper tool, bloody useless as a techy and just a bit of a knob. Anyway A team of us popped across to another hangar and the team I was with were slagging this lad off to the other guys. One of the other guys asked who they were talking about. My team told him and he said " Oh right! Yeah he's f@~king useless and has been all his life!"

When we arrived back at the hangar I found out that that person was the knobbers dad!!

[8bit]

myvision said:

davhill said:

oceanview said:

You -when you were born you must have been the afterbirth...

Similar one. When you were born, they threw the wrong bit away.

Or,
You must have strong arms as you climbed out the abortion bucket.

In a similar vein - "the best of you ran down the inside of your mum's leg".

[yellowjack]

8bit said:

myvision said:

davhill said:

oceanview said:

You -when you were born you must have been the afterbirth...

Similar one. When you were born, they threw the wrong bit away.

Or,
You must have strong arms as you climbed out the abortion bucket.

In a similar vein - "the best of you ran down the inside of your mum's leg".

As seen/heard in Full Metal Jacket, delivered by the soothing voice of R. Lee Ermey...

Sgt. Hartman: "How tall are you private?"
Private Cowboy: "Sir, 5-foot-9, sir!"
Sgt. Hartman: "5-foot-9, I didn't know that stacked st that high! You trying to squeeze an inch on me somewhere, huh?"
Pvt. Cowboy: "Sir, no, sir!"
Sgt. Hartman: "Bullst! It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress!"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNUVbZV5aig
Sgt. Hartman: "Did your parents have any children that lived?"
Private Pyle: "Sir, yes, sir!"
Sgt. Hartman: "I'll bet they regret that."

[8bit]

yellowjack said:

8bit said:

In a similar vein - "the best of you ran down the inside of your mum's leg".

As seen/heard in Full Metal Jacket, delivered by the soothing voice of R. Lee Ermey...

Sgt. Hartman: "How tall are you private?"
Private Cowboy: "Sir, 5-foot-9, sir!"
Sgt. Hartman: "5-foot-9, I didn't know that stacked st that high! You trying to squeeze an inch on me somewhere, huh?"
Pvt. Cowboy: "Sir, no, sir!"
Sgt. Hartman: "Bullst! It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress!"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNUVbZV5aig
Sgt. Hartman: "Did your parents have any children that lived?"
Private Pyle: "Sir, yes, sir!"
Sgt. Hartman: "I'll bet they regret that."

Close enough - every day's a school day, thanks.

[rtz62]

CedGTV said:

We've got a chippy on site called Thrush......

He hasn't worked it out yet.

That and the 30 jobs he's supposed to have done since early Dec.

We had a cop at our nick that we used to call '3 lips'.... his shift partner went by the (unknown to him) soubriquet of 'perineum' as he was a useless thing between a and an ahole

Edited by rtz62 on Monday 20th March 20:36

[Jaaws]

"I'm going to stick my knob in your ear and fk some sense into you"
Commando Training Centre, Lympstone, 1980

[Jonmx]

Jaaws said:

"I'm going to stick my knob in your ear and fk some sense into you"
Commando Training Centre, Lympstone, 1980

I did a familiarisation visit there as a cadet in the late 90's. Whilst out on the common hoofing around the course, I, being a cocky little fker asked the PTI if it was as tough as P company. The bloke stopped on a sixpence, turned and pretty much said that if I came up with any more st like that he'd rip out my eyeballs and skull fk me. At the end of the visit he told me I should join up as I'd shown 'strength of character' in taking the piss. Alas I don't think violent sexually toned threats are used against prospective recruits these days!
Living in Devon I know quite a few lads who've been through CTCRM and they certainly have a way with words....

[Tony Starks]

8bit said:

In a similar vein - "the best of you ran down the inside of your mum's leg".

Or, you should've been a blowjob.

[Doug1955]

Cycling through Brixton one night after a few beers a car coming in the opposite direction made a U turn avoiding me only by an inch or two and pulled into the queue of traffic held up by the red lights, this gave me the time to have a quiet word. I called him an idiotic ahole at which he started to get out his car, I clocked he was 6'5"and built like a prize bull. I took off, shouting wkers like you should go by bus!! He wrecked his car trying to get at me, driving over a keep left bollard and chasing me through the local park for about 4 hundred yards. I think that I was very very lucky.

[grumpy52]

I might have heard this here,but it made me smile .
"You were a wa#k until your mum climbed on "

[Jonmx]

Paddy_N_Murphy said:

Here on PH - dropping in a 'Poppet' never fails.

NPE - vociferous discussions about the passed away Terrorist - and a 'Poppet' just nails it for me

I may or may not have dropped a poppet into a certain Mcguiness thread this evening....I edited it as I felt on reflection it was a bit much

[blindswelledrat]

Doug1955 said:

Cycling through Brixton one night after a few beers a car coming in the opposite direction made a U turn avoiding me only by an inch or two and pulled into the queue of traffic held up by the red lights, this gave me the time to have a quiet word. I called him an idiotic ahole at which he started to get out his car, I clocked he was 6'5"and built like a prize bull. I took off, shouting wkers like you should go by bus!! He wrecked his car trying to get at me, driving over a keep left bollard and chasing me through the local park for about 4 hundred yards. I think that I was very very lucky.

Which part of that is 'the best insult you've ever heard'?

[fluffekins]

When you were born you were so ugly they put you in a tinted incubator to stop you scaring the other babies.


When you were born you were so ugly, they slapped your mum.

[nigelonich]

Aint no way you came from my loins

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ijjnx9nGHo

[Baz Tench]

Not really an original insult, but I've had the "I bet you're gay" comment from two different women over the years when I resisted their advances.

So I'm gay because I wasn't interested in them? Riiight.

Both of them were blokey birds. The one who was fat and ginger turned out to be a lezza anyway.

[antspants]

Baz Tench said:

Not really an original insult, but I've had the "I bet you're gay" comment from two different women over the years when I resisted their advances.

So I'm gay because I wasn't interested in them? Riiight.

Both of them were blokey birds. The one who was fat and ginger turned out to be a lezza anyway.

"It's women like you that made me that way."

[MikeA3]

I'm not sure if this really counts as an insult as it's more of a comeback but I used to work with a chap who was a bit of a loudmouth muppet called James. One day I ended up getting into the office at five past nine and he pipes up with "nice of you to join us" as loudly as he can to try and embarrass me in front of the senior management.

I replied "I'm very sorry James, it's just that your mum likes to cuddle afterwards"

Seemed to raise a laugh with everyone (including the managers) and shut him up for a while

[GM182]

Jonmx said:

Jaaws said:

"I'm going to stick my knob in your ear and fk some sense into you"
Commando Training Centre, Lympstone, 1980

I did a familiarisation visit there as a cadet in the late 90's. Whilst out on the common hoofing around the course, I, being a cocky little fker asked the PTI if it was as tough as P company. The bloke stopped on a sixpence, turned and pretty much said that if I came up with any more st like that he'd rip out my eyeballs and skull fk me. At the end of the visit he told me I should join up as I'd shown 'strength of character' in taking the piss. Alas I don't think violent sexually toned threats are used against prospective recruits these days!
Living in Devon I know quite a few lads who've been through CTCRM and they certainly have a way with words....

I did one of those cadet visits to Lympstone. In a similar vein, on being told by the instructor that we were to run down a steep bank and throw purselves in a deep muddy puddle that probably had cowst in it, I muttered 'fk that' under my breath. The instructor must have had ears like a bat as he instantly stopped and turned back towards my end of the line and said, "Right, st for brains, you're first." He was giving me quite the stare so obviously I wasted no time in running down the bank and throwing myself headlong into the mudpit...Not the best insult perhaps but the speed and venom with which it was delivered brooked no further dissent.

[Boring_Chris]

antspants said:

Baz Tench said:

Not really an original insult, but I've had the "I bet you're gay" comment from two different women over the years when I resisted their advances.

So I'm gay because I wasn't interested in them? Riiight.

Both of them were blokey birds. The one who was fat and ginger turned out to be a lezza anyway.

"It's women like you that made me that way."

I dated a women (once) who claimed to have dated a closeted gay guy. I asked how she knew he was gay, and she said "because I was just picking up nooooo vibes from him, at all".

I declined an invitation back to hers, so apparently now she's dated two gay guys!

[grumpy52]

I was running the Parc Ferme area at a European Rallycross meeting at Lydden back in the 90s .
In the Supercar Final one of the drivers who I forget the name of had battered many other cars and caused many retirments for other much better drivers .
As per regulations all cars are placed in this area at the end of the race .
Most who had been battered by this guy were not too happy with this muppet and a few had slammed crash helmets on the ground and finger pointing and swearing had happened.
Mr muppet had not vacated his car .
Then a certain Mr Stig Blomqvist arrived ,he vacated his car and it was very evident that he was certainly not a happy bunny .
Stig is not a small chap and he had that look of determination on his face that nothing was going to stop him on his quest .
Striding to Mr Muppets car he wrenched the door open ,we expected swearing or even a physical assualt.
What happened was so precise I thought it was priceless .
Stig got right up close and bellowed YOU ARE NOT GOOD DRIVER !