Man buys a taser for his wife.
Discussion
I found this and thought I would share it here as it is rather funny.
I read this little piece yesterday and laughed so much it hurt !! Knowing how much the regulars like a good story and a laugh, I thought I should share it with you all.
Regards to all
John
An approaching occasion was our 25th Wedding anniversary and I was looking for a novel and interesting present for my dear wife.
Last weekend on a day trip to Calais for 'supplies' I saw something in one of those bloke-toy shops that sparked my interest. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Sounds perfect, right ?
To cut a long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Impressive !
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Ann what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.
So there I was, home alone, with this new toy, Thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only AAA batteries, right ? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and tee shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and the mini-Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would "shock and disorient your assailant"; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. "Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries".
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two 'ickle AAA batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, you plonker !' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny thing couldn't hurt all that badly. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . BANG ! CRACKLE !
I'm pretty sure Giant Haystacks ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and major tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was an abstract thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped myself, but was too numb to know for sure as my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my now-departed hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it !
I read this little piece yesterday and laughed so much it hurt !! Knowing how much the regulars like a good story and a laugh, I thought I should share it with you all.
Regards to all
John
An approaching occasion was our 25th Wedding anniversary and I was looking for a novel and interesting present for my dear wife.
Last weekend on a day trip to Calais for 'supplies' I saw something in one of those bloke-toy shops that sparked my interest. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Sounds perfect, right ?
To cut a long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Impressive !
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Ann what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.
So there I was, home alone, with this new toy, Thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only AAA batteries, right ? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and tee shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and the mini-Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would "shock and disorient your assailant"; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. "Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries".
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two 'ickle AAA batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, you plonker !' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny thing couldn't hurt all that badly. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . BANG ! CRACKLE !
I'm pretty sure Giant Haystacks ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and major tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was an abstract thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped myself, but was too numb to know for sure as my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my now-departed hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it !
Well I thoroughly enjoyed it thanks for posting!
I do have a sparking unit from an oven that I disassembled as a young lad and if you hold it near a metal object and press the button it zaps a spark across to it, max distance of the jump so far is about an inch, never did pluck up the courage to press it against my skin. Came bloody close quite a few times though.
I do have a sparking unit from an oven that I disassembled as a young lad and if you hold it near a metal object and press the button it zaps a spark across to it, max distance of the jump so far is about an inch, never did pluck up the courage to press it against my skin. Came bloody close quite a few times though.
I would have paid good money to observe this!
Many years back we had a company Jolly to a place near Cork in Ireland.
After pub, grub and night clubbing we end up at some lad's house for a bit more entertainment.
This lad had a massive selection of BB Guns, all replica stuff, but the Uzi really caught my eye.
I finally got hold of it, whilst there were pellets flying everywhere. For some reason I really wanted to shoot someone with it.
Having taken a secretive and careful aim at a mate's leg I had a moment of conscience and decided to try it out on my own thigh first. You know, just to make sure it would be acceptable and not hurt him too much.
f
k ME THE PAIN.
Never did shoot him, and I'll never shoot anything at anyone, my God it hurt!
If you're going to carry this stuff, surely you should at least test it on yourself...
After pub, grub and night clubbing we end up at some lad's house for a bit more entertainment.
This lad had a massive selection of BB Guns, all replica stuff, but the Uzi really caught my eye.
I finally got hold of it, whilst there were pellets flying everywhere. For some reason I really wanted to shoot someone with it.
Having taken a secretive and careful aim at a mate's leg I had a moment of conscience and decided to try it out on my own thigh first. You know, just to make sure it would be acceptable and not hurt him too much.
f
k ME THE PAIN.Never did shoot him, and I'll never shoot anything at anyone, my God it hurt!
If you're going to carry this stuff, surely you should at least test it on yourself...
Edited by TheExcession on Saturday 26th April 14:51
zarjaz1991 said:
This has to be a "Darwin Awards" case surely.
Nope. The chap in the story survives.ETA: having said that though, Darwin awards are for people who 'remove themselves from the gene pool in spectacularly stupid fashion' - he says he can't find his testes, so OTOH you could be right
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