Phantom pooing
Discussion
There was one at a building company I worked for.
I didn't ever find one, but every now and then someone would stumble across it.
One was found in someone's tool bucket, another amongst a box of underground waste fittings, the classic "poo in the pan" that was being stored in one of the sheds.
The funniest though wasn't so much a phantom pooer, but someone who was caught short! The boss was having a whinge about the state of the vans and starts pulling rubbish off the back of them onto the ground. Just as he grabs a wad of empty cement bags, a big 'ol turd lands firmly on his shoe! He went ballistic as we all stifled out laughter!
There was also a phantom pisser. Every so often a petrol mixer or whacker plate wouldn't start. I remember watching this chap strip various parts of the engine down and eventually dip his fingers in the fuel tank and sniff them. He sniffed them for a good few seconds determining the smell, then eventually recoil in horror as he realised what it was!
Then there was the not so phantom pisser. An old bloke, huge guy, in his 60s but easily the strongest man in the firm of 20 blokes. He pissed everywhere and not discreetly either. Several investigations of leaks, damp etc were down to this fella pissing everywhere!
I didn't ever find one, but every now and then someone would stumble across it.
One was found in someone's tool bucket, another amongst a box of underground waste fittings, the classic "poo in the pan" that was being stored in one of the sheds.
The funniest though wasn't so much a phantom pooer, but someone who was caught short! The boss was having a whinge about the state of the vans and starts pulling rubbish off the back of them onto the ground. Just as he grabs a wad of empty cement bags, a big 'ol turd lands firmly on his shoe! He went ballistic as we all stifled out laughter!
There was also a phantom pisser. Every so often a petrol mixer or whacker plate wouldn't start. I remember watching this chap strip various parts of the engine down and eventually dip his fingers in the fuel tank and sniff them. He sniffed them for a good few seconds determining the smell, then eventually recoil in horror as he realised what it was!
Then there was the not so phantom pisser. An old bloke, huge guy, in his 60s but easily the strongest man in the firm of 20 blokes. He pissed everywhere and not discreetly either. Several investigations of leaks, damp etc were down to this fella pissing everywhere!
There was one at a building company I worked for.
I didn't ever find one, but every now and then someone would stumble across it.
One was found in someone's tool bucket, another amongst a box of underground waste fittings, the classic "poo in the pan" that was being stored in one of the sheds.
The funniest though wasn't so much a phantom pooer, but someone who was caught short! The boss was having a whinge about the state of the vans and starts pulling rubbish off the back of them onto the ground. Just as he grabs a wad of empty cement bags, a big 'ol turd lands firmly on his shoe! He went ballistic as we all stifled out laughter!
There was also a phantom pisser. Every so often a petrol mixer or whacker plate wouldn't start. I remember watching this chap strip various parts of the engine down and eventually dip his fingers in the fuel tank and sniff them. He sniffed them for a good few seconds determining the smell, then eventually recoil in horror as he realised what it was!
Then there was the not so phantom pisser. An old bloke, huge guy, in his 60s but easily the strongest man in the firm of 20 blokes. He pissed everywhere and not discreetly either. Several investigations of leaks, damp etc were down to this fella pissing everywhere!
I didn't ever find one, but every now and then someone would stumble across it.
One was found in someone's tool bucket, another amongst a box of underground waste fittings, the classic "poo in the pan" that was being stored in one of the sheds.
The funniest though wasn't so much a phantom pooer, but someone who was caught short! The boss was having a whinge about the state of the vans and starts pulling rubbish off the back of them onto the ground. Just as he grabs a wad of empty cement bags, a big 'ol turd lands firmly on his shoe! He went ballistic as we all stifled out laughter!
There was also a phantom pisser. Every so often a petrol mixer or whacker plate wouldn't start. I remember watching this chap strip various parts of the engine down and eventually dip his fingers in the fuel tank and sniff them. He sniffed them for a good few seconds determining the smell, then eventually recoil in horror as he realised what it was!
Then there was the not so phantom pisser. An old bloke, huge guy, in his 60s but easily the strongest man in the firm of 20 blokes. He pissed everywhere and not discreetly either. Several investigations of leaks, damp etc were down to this fella pissing everywhere!
Back in my schooldays me and a couple of mates would always walk from the bus stop to school at the same time every morning. We used to pass a motorbike, parked on the pavement under a cover, and the bloke who owned it used to leave the house just as we were passing. He'd throw the cover in his garden and ride off.
One morning, as he removed the cover we saw that that he'd had a nocturnal visit from the phantom s
tter! There it was, sat on his seat in all it's stinky glory, looking like an abandoned toffee crisp. He sort of pushed it off with his glove and then fetched a bowl of soapy water and cleaned the seat.
We made sure we were there at the unveiling ceremony every morning for the next couple of weeks but the phantom never returned....
One morning, as he removed the cover we saw that that he'd had a nocturnal visit from the phantom s
tter! There it was, sat on his seat in all it's stinky glory, looking like an abandoned toffee crisp. He sort of pushed it off with his glove and then fetched a bowl of soapy water and cleaned the seat. We made sure we were there at the unveiling ceremony every morning for the next couple of weeks but the phantom never returned....
I actually was the phantom pooer as a kid once, aged about ten, I had to excuse myself as I was turtling badly, so off I trot with seconds to spare and I go into trap 1, and, as normal a toilet roll had been rammed down it, I quickly scuttled to trap 2 and it was the same, and so was trap three, I was left with no option and I parked a decent load on top of a roll or two of toilet paper and then went back to lessons and thought no more of it, apart from relief and gladness that I hadnt dropped it in my trousers.
I forgot about it until the following day until assembly until the matter of the blocked bogs was top of the agenda, the head, usually a mild mannered Richard Stillgoe a like was all fire and brimstone,
"To whooever thought it was funny to block the toilets with toilet paper, I can assure you it damn well is not funny, and this must stop"
I, at this point found myself agreeing, we all knew who it was, he was a pain in the arse for it and other stuff and I remembered my annoyance and terror at finding the bogs all blocked.
The head continued,
"And then, whoever did this then went and did their dirty business on it, which Mrs O'Malley had to clean up"
I went bright red at the deed being discovered, guilt that the lovely caretaker known as "Mrs O" had to clear my turd up, I was sure he knew it was me and I was in trouble but nothing ever came of it.
I think that kind of behaviour, i.e. blocking bogs doesn't bode well for future conduct and success and now, 30 odd years later I can see that as the perpetrator didnt turn out so well and died of a Heroin overdose a few years back having been in and out of trouble for years, a bit harsh but not entirely surprising.
I forgot about it until the following day until assembly until the matter of the blocked bogs was top of the agenda, the head, usually a mild mannered Richard Stillgoe a like was all fire and brimstone,
"To whooever thought it was funny to block the toilets with toilet paper, I can assure you it damn well is not funny, and this must stop"
I, at this point found myself agreeing, we all knew who it was, he was a pain in the arse for it and other stuff and I remembered my annoyance and terror at finding the bogs all blocked.
The head continued,
"And then, whoever did this then went and did their dirty business on it, which Mrs O'Malley had to clean up"
I went bright red at the deed being discovered, guilt that the lovely caretaker known as "Mrs O" had to clear my turd up, I was sure he knew it was me and I was in trouble but nothing ever came of it.
I think that kind of behaviour, i.e. blocking bogs doesn't bode well for future conduct and success and now, 30 odd years later I can see that as the perpetrator didnt turn out so well and died of a Heroin overdose a few years back having been in and out of trouble for years, a bit harsh but not entirely surprising.
Perhaps these phantom poopers should be given an Alaskan pipeline,for those wondering what that is urban dictionary it.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ala...
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ala...
Edited by eskidavies on Sunday 3rd August 20:52
gtidriver said:
A mate worked at B&Q, he not only found piss and st in display toilets but also someone had crapped in a double wardrobe. Anther mate was bullied at school, he saw his bully a few years later working as a cleaner in a hospital. He went to the toilet and had a dump which he scooped out and laid across the back joint of the toilet seat, he then closed the seat mashing the turd. He went and reported to reception that there was a mess in the toilet and watched with delight as the bully had to clear it up.
I worked at B&Q at the weekend during my uni days, quite an enjoyable job tbh. However, there would be many a time we'd find various "deposits" in display toilets. A lot of the time these "deposits" wouldn't get found until days or weeks later, was absolutely disgusting. Worse I saw was a parent who actually let their kid do the business on the toilet. I saw them so ran up telling them to stop only for the parent to go mad at me saying, their kid has to go and if the toilets aren't meant to be used they should be sellotaped shut. There was even an instore toilet right next to the kitchen and bathroom department!! I got the manager down who told the customer they would have to clean up the mess. Parent told us to "f off" and walked out the shop. As it was the weekend, there was no cleaner in until Monday so all staff drew straws to clean it, luckily it wasn't me!t in display toilets but also someone had crapped in a double wardrobe. Anther mate was bullied at school, he saw his bully a few years later working as a cleaner in a hospital. He went to the toilet and had a dump which he scooped out and laid across the back joint of the toilet seat, he then closed the seat mashing the turd. He went and reported to reception that there was a mess in the toilet and watched with delight as the bully had to clear it up.Puggit said:
philbrooker said:
One quiet morning, a number of years ago on an undisclosed military base the every solider sailer and airman attending courses was summonsed to the parade ground and ordered to "fall in" on their respective units.
After standing for a while we were addressed by the second in charge of the camp and informed that there was "an animal amongst us".
Next one file at a time we were marched away and towards the Automat NAFFI ( think shop with vending machines ).
Once outside we were filed through in single file and stopped and bought to attention in front of one if those glass fronted carousel snack machines. Yes you have guessed it , behind the window amongst the neatly displayed, out of date confectionary lay a turd of gargantuan proportions displayed on a paper doily .
We are all ordered "look at that" and "was that you ?" (appox 800 of us)
Sadly I didn't recollect doing it so I was no help to their investigation . The Automat was out of bounds for a while after this ......
I've recoiled in horror at a few of the stories, but this one genuinely has me rolling with laughterAfter standing for a while we were addressed by the second in charge of the camp and informed that there was "an animal amongst us".
Next one file at a time we were marched away and towards the Automat NAFFI ( think shop with vending machines ).
Once outside we were filed through in single file and stopped and bought to attention in front of one if those glass fronted carousel snack machines. Yes you have guessed it , behind the window amongst the neatly displayed, out of date confectionary lay a turd of gargantuan proportions displayed on a paper doily .
We are all ordered "look at that" and "was that you ?" (appox 800 of us)
Sadly I didn't recollect doing it so I was no help to their investigation . The Automat was out of bounds for a while after this ......
tters. The first was known as the 'Padre' for the lovely crosses he would leave on car bonnets all across camp. No car park was safe from his religious turds.
The second rather lovely gentleman took a massive dump in one of the tumble driers in our block, then set it for a long hot spin. The block stank of s
t for a week.Happy memories
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