Phantom pooing

Author
Discussion

Dog Star

16,079 posts

167 months

Thursday 31st July 2014
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j4ckos mate said:
the "ladies" keeps getting smashed!
they are reguluarly getting emails off personal about it.


peasants
We have to share our office building (they're on the first and second floors) with a call centre for a certain tv/satellite provider (rhymes with "pie") and the sort of weirdos and reprobates they employ never ceases to amaze me (most of them appear to be lazy fat smokers too - they wheeze their way into the lift to get from the first to ground floor for example).

When they moved in there was a huge spate of petty vandalism in the stairwells, in the lifts and it got so far as them coming into the toilets on our floors and vandalising those doing such stuff as blocking the toilets up with rolls of paper and the like. We've had to have cctv installed in the stairwells and card entry on the toilets which seems to have solved the problem. Horrible scrotes.

MadOne

821 posts

167 months

Thursday 31st July 2014
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Bookmarked.

Silverbullet767

10,680 posts

205 months

Thursday 31st July 2014
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Also Bookmarked, perfect place to re-post this gem. Most of you will have seen it.

ajcj said:
I confess to feeling selfconscious when last night's lamb dhansak, chana massala, keema naan and Cobra is struggling its way out and making a lot of fuss while it does, especially when the traps to either side are occupied by chaps who seem to be able to lay one down with barely a splash, but for true embarrassment, you need a hotel room on your first night away with a new cutie.

So lots of charming conversation and civilised behaviour and attention to personal hygiene and nipping outside to fart have paid off, and several months in it's time for a romantic weekend away. The hotel room is in a dead trendy boutique place, and the wall between bedroom and bathroom is frosted glass. All other bathroom walls are tiled for maximum reverb. The door is also glass, and does not seal in any way - half-inch gaps all round. So you are effectively in the same room as the bed, which is where you leave your amour, curled up and warm ("hurry back", she murmurs) on the morning after a nice moroccan meal with plenty of chickpeas, spiced lamb, felafel and so on, plus a couple of bottles of rough red, and whisky to finish. You pace with measured tread to the echo chamber, then hunker down to answer the insistent call from the lower colon.

To begin with, it sounded like a duck being strangled half-underwater, then as if thirty clowns wearing oversize rubber shoes were having a sprinting race over a massive bowl of jelly, then as I desperately applied restrictive pressure, it faded into an anguished squeak like a deflating balloon, then as my muscle control gave out, a series of small escaping explosions escalated into a titanic rasp that echoed for several seconds.

Having done the paperwork, brushed everywhere in the bowl, including the underside of the seat (how in the name of gravity could that have happened?), washed hands, and assumed as nonchalant an expression as I could muster, I strolled back in to find her sitting up, covers drawn protectively up under her chin, eyes like a lemur, asking whether I was ok, and did I need medical attention?

Kind of killed the mood, rather.

hman

7,487 posts

193 months

Thursday 31st July 2014
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still LMAO to that everytime.

Pkh72

1,517 posts

185 months

Thursday 31st July 2014
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Mr Pies]My friend is a project manager for a large utilities company. [b said:
They've recently had a big influx of indian workers.
The toilets have been getting left in such a state, they've now had to put stickers of a man standing on the seat squatting with a big cross through it.[/b]

The same place, about 12 months ago in the someone was going into the mens and blowing his beans and leaving it running down the back of the door and door handle. Stern warnings from HR on all notice boards about "leaving bodily fluids in the cubicles" seemed to stop that one.
Our place has had to do this too.

DrDeAtH

3,586 posts

231 months

Thursday 31st July 2014
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Silverbullet767 said:
Also Bookmarked, perfect place to re-post this gem. Most of you will have seen it.

ajcj said:
I confess to feeling selfconscious when last night's lamb dhansak, chana massala, keema naan and Cobra is struggling its way out and making a lot of fuss while it does, especially when the traps to either side are occupied by chaps who seem to be able to lay one down with barely a splash, but for true embarrassment, you need a hotel room on your first night away with a new cutie.

So lots of charming conversation and civilised behaviour and attention to personal hygiene and nipping outside to fart have paid off, and several months in it's time for a romantic weekend away. The hotel room is in a dead trendy boutique place, and the wall between bedroom and bathroom is frosted glass. All other bathroom walls are tiled for maximum reverb. The door is also glass, and does not seal in any way - half-inch gaps all round. So you are effectively in the same room as the bed, which is where you leave your amour, curled up and warm ("hurry back", she murmurs) on the morning after a nice moroccan meal with plenty of chickpeas, spiced lamb, felafel and so on, plus a couple of bottles of rough red, and whisky to finish. You pace with measured tread to the echo chamber, then hunker down to answer the insistent call from the lower colon.

To begin with, it sounded like a duck being strangled half-underwater, then as if thirty clowns wearing oversize rubber shoes were having a sprinting race over a massive bowl of jelly, then as I desperately applied restrictive pressure, it faded into an anguished squeak like a deflating balloon, then as my muscle control gave out, a series of small escaping explosions escalated into a titanic rasp that echoed for several seconds.

Having done the paperwork, brushed everywhere in the bowl, including the underside of the seat (how in the name of gravity could that have happened?), washed hands, and assumed as nonchalant an expression as I could muster, I strolled back in to find her sitting up, covers drawn protectively up under her chin, eyes like a lemur, asking whether I was ok, and did I need medical attention?

Kind of killed the mood, rather.
This just had me in pieces...

captainmatt

475 posts

165 months

Thursday 31st July 2014
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I posted this a long time ago, but to recap...

At secondary school, when I was aged... 13 or 14, we had a "poo bandit" also known as the phantom pooer, Brad st, Adolf stler.... and so on.

Most typically, the guy (all boys school so if it was a girl even more impressive), there would be crap all over the floor, a gigantic log inside the bowl and then typically in the far corner a single nugget. His trademark, if you will. This continued for a while, however his piece de resistance was when he implemented some artwork. See, in year 9 in art you create a papier mache model of a human posed in a position. One of these was some kind of celebratory pose with the arms aloft (you see where this is going). Our poo bandit had acquired this model from the art workshop, taken it into the bathroom and planted a gigantic turd in its arms. So, obviously, it was held aloft in celebration.

I think on this occasion the poo bandit had also vomited all over the floor, just to add to the excitement. He lives on in legend; the culprit never caught.

Shaolin

2,955 posts

188 months

Thursday 31st July 2014
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Amusing as many of these stories are, you have to question what the fking hell is going on in the minds of these people that they don't st in the toilet? Or like the story of the city tts building up a pile of each others st?

There's some serious unresolved business going on here dating back to toddlerhood. I find it a bit worrying that these people are amongst us and what else is going on in their really quite malformed minds.

Bedford Rascal

29,469 posts

243 months

Thursday 31st July 2014
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Sir Snaz said:
In the early 90s I used to share office toilets with a fairly well known city brokerage.
The chaps used to have a very odd tradition called 'the Friday pile up'.
Basically involved everyone using the same stall, on a Friday morning after a massive Thursday night before, and not flushing.........was truly horrendous, I once witnessed a mound so large that it was above the level of the seat!! ......did make me giggle smile.....poor, poor cleaners ......
That is truly horrendous! biglaugh

eskidavies

5,342 posts

158 months

Thursday 31st July 2014
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A lad I was In collage with doing our plumbing course many years ago,we went out for end of term piss up to pub local to collage,he'd gone to bog and came back ,when I got up to go he says have a look in the stter,he'd st all round the seat ,then screwed up little bits of bog roll and stuck them In the logs and nuggets,like little flags,dirty ,when I came back eyes streaming from heaving,he laughed it of and reckoned he does it everywhere.

MajorProblem

Original Poster:

4,700 posts

163 months

Thursday 31st July 2014
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"The Friday pile up"

Brilliant, I'm shocked at how common it is though, weirdos.

Monkeythree

511 posts

228 months

Thursday 31st July 2014
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Bit like the bogs at Glastonbury. Choose the one with the smallest mountain and prepare to hover.

anonymous-user

53 months

Thursday 31st July 2014
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My manager and myself regularly complain about the state of the toilets at work. Office of 200+ people so you can imagine how it is...

I stopped complaining however when a female colleague told me that a whiff of st and piss in the gents was nothing compared to the ladies.

I enquired as to how bad women's toilets could possibly be, and she simply said that I had to imagine a room that looked fairly clean, but absolutely reeked of "very unsanitary ladies private parts".

Truly gross.

Mr Pies

8,842 posts

186 months

Thursday 31st July 2014
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The cleaners at our place swear the women are worse.
They've already had to complain to upper management twice (and the union) because someone was discarding their freshly removed tampon on the cubicle floor.

BULLITT Rich

550 posts

215 months

Friday 1st August 2014
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Had a Phantom in my job the workshop toilets so all males. Was a BMW dealership and every week there'd be a new and inventive way of distributing his waste round a cubical. It was just everywhere, even a turb laid across in the gap between the seat and the cystern, one time he must have had a dose of the Bradleys ("brad Pitt" - st) and was just everywhere, like someone had filled a shotgun and gone all duke nukem in there! Even scraping it off his fingers onto the seat. There were turds found in the shower cubicle, in the middle of the floor etc too.

It got so bad, the one and only cleaner in the whole dealership just out rightly refused to clean it anymore meaning that the service manager had to do it, he was not happy and despite several warnings sent out it didn't deter The Phantom.

His ultimate triumph was when he'd successfully managed dump 3 equal lengths of log that I sh*t you not (pun intended) were 18" long each all neatly next to each other in one toilet. I don't know about anyone else but wouldn't have been able to walk with that lot in me, never mind travel to work! That must have been his achievement as it didn't happen much after that.

There was one guy that everyone thought it was, he didn't do much to convince us otherwise because he was pretty disgusting, belch really loudly all day and if you were near or facing him, he'd blow it in your face.... And his breathe could have only come from a dark and evil place. He used to get aggressively defensive about being accused too, kind of said it all really.

read5458

503 posts

182 months

Friday 1st August 2014
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Anyone here walked into a toilet and passed the culprit on the way in?. I have.

Remember seeing his shoes looked like brown trainers and he had a wierd brown paint job on his grey shirt, as he hurried past me. Went through the second door into the bogs. Ceiling above the corner of the room was about 3 meters up. He'd dropped his trousers and left a pattern up the wall with dozens of specs on the ceiling.

Must have shot out his acensorede at a fair rate.

John D.

17,705 posts

208 months

Friday 1st August 2014
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I work on large building sites for main contractors. Heard a story from some ex-colleagues about Mr st. Apparently he kept signing his name in large letters all over cubicles/toilet walls in st (obviously). This went on for weeks until the welfare man (who's duties included toilet cleaning) caught him red handed.

More recently a chippy was caught curling one out in the basement of a building under construction one Sat morning. Beggars belief.

Brigand

2,544 posts

168 months

Friday 1st August 2014
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My supervisor and one of my colleagues (both female) claim that the women in the office produce some terrible pongs in the loo, much worse than the blokes. There is one suspect who leaves the toilet bowl like a grenade attack on a rice paddy on a regular basis, as well as making the small toilet room a no-go area due to the smell. I know us men can leave the bathroom smelling of pee or poo, but the women seem to have, as has already been mentioned, "unsanitary lady parts" that carry out an olfactory assault when in the confined space of the small bathroom.

I remember a story a cleaner friend told me years ago, she mentioned one day cleaning the common room of a military barracks only to find someone had shat themselves, removed their boxers and then put them in a sandwich toastie machine. Thankfully they hadn't switched the machine on otherwise that would have been something the fire brigade would have dealt with soon after no doubt!

Like many here I can't understand the mentality of someone who just lets fly with their effluent. I've seen a few messes and from what's been mentioned here people must just walk in, face their arse to the wall, touch their ankles and spray. It just doesn't make sense!

smiffy180

6,018 posts

149 months

Friday 1st August 2014
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Not a phantom pooing story but nevertheless:

6 years ago (can't believe it's been that long!) we got to go on a ski trip as a end of year treat ((year 11) obviously we had to pay for it) and at the end of the trip awards were given out for certain achievements. Well.... the girls had kept this one quiet as the lads were in disbelief, myself included (boys and girls had to be seperate at all times when in dorms). They had an award for creating a mount of st that went up to the seat which was witnessed by a female teacher, they wanted to go higher but apparently the stench was too much for the next person! laugh
I think the award was for most disgusting thing that happened on the trip.

This one, very harsh yet quite amusing. This was 4 years ago in college, a friend who was on my course is very peculiar shall we say, can be very embarrassing when you're out with him but hilarious at the same time.
Well, for whatever reason he decided that his next great idea would be to have a st in the only male toilets in our block, then without tearing the toilet paper off he wiped his arse, rolled it back up and left it for the next person. He did this in both cubicles. Poor fker whoever went next laugh.

anonymous-user

53 months

Friday 1st August 2014
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I'm sitting in the office getting questioned on why I'm giggling like a child...