Phantom pooing
Discussion
On a stag weekend to New Quay many years ago we stayed in two caravans. On the second morning upon opening the door we found out on the step a fresh, steaming curly one neatly presented on a dinner plate.
I also recall a work mate coming back into the office one day fuming, he had just come back from attempting to break the back of the longest jobbie he had ever seen, in the only cubicle we had in the mens loo, he said it was also as round as the u bend, and the depositor must have had a rectum like a boa constrictors mouth in order to pass it, so he gave up and used the ladies instead. I pitied the cleaner who has to deal with that one later.
I also recall a work mate coming back into the office one day fuming, he had just come back from attempting to break the back of the longest jobbie he had ever seen, in the only cubicle we had in the mens loo, he said it was also as round as the u bend, and the depositor must have had a rectum like a boa constrictors mouth in order to pass it, so he gave up and used the ladies instead. I pitied the cleaner who has to deal with that one later.
Edited by PAUL500 on Friday 1st August 12:44
BHC said:
At university some dirty b
d curled one out on our porch roof.
I have always found it odd.
Last day of living in halls at the end of term. Someone smeared sd curled one out on our porch roof.I have always found it odd.
t all over the fire exit. The door normally used for loading/unloading your crap from your room to your parents car (because its much easier that putting a code in every time and then walking the long way to the car park).I made as few trips as possible because it f
king stank and had a whole colony of flies buzzing around it.Not just toilets though. At the swimming pool we'll often find left behind nappies in the cubicles. Generally the floor is an absolute mess; there are hair balls, receipts, those "I have paid" bands, talcum powder, mud and crud from shoes etc. A log blocking one toilet, piss and tissue all over the other toilet and piss all over the floor.
The session before we get there is generally foreigners but there's plenty of natives too and they must be to blame as well.
Edited by Otispunkmeyer on Friday 1st August 13:34
Haha the odd world of brokerages and odd toilet habits, one I worked at 3 yrs ago had someone peeing into the toilet brush holder everyday. Cleaner got fed up and reported it, but how they even attempted to resolve it is beyond me.
I'm currently with a Japanese bank, and there is a strict rule about employees not being allowed on premises out of hours, without prior authorisation. Apparently this is due to an incident one year when they first moved into the building, and had a Xmas party. Two employees decided to sleep in the reception, and during the wee hours of the morning, one decided to curl one off in the lobby, not having any toilet paper to hand, he decided to use his hands and smear it on the sofa and carpet, just as employee number two was coming round from his slumber, seeing this he immediately puked all over the remaining clean area. This immediately sobered them up, and they left the premises hastily.
Next morning the rest of the staff came in and saw the horrendous mess, in the brand new reception,which was to be opened by senior management from Japan that morning. An email went out asking the culprits to own up, and come and make themselves known to HR. Surprisingly there was no response, until the second email came out , highlighting the fact that CCTV footage of the entire episode had been captured, and it would be in the best interests of those involved to "come clean"
Hours later one person sacked, and the puker disciplined. What it is with traders/brokers and toilet habits I'll never know?
I'm currently with a Japanese bank, and there is a strict rule about employees not being allowed on premises out of hours, without prior authorisation. Apparently this is due to an incident one year when they first moved into the building, and had a Xmas party. Two employees decided to sleep in the reception, and during the wee hours of the morning, one decided to curl one off in the lobby, not having any toilet paper to hand, he decided to use his hands and smear it on the sofa and carpet, just as employee number two was coming round from his slumber, seeing this he immediately puked all over the remaining clean area. This immediately sobered them up, and they left the premises hastily.
Next morning the rest of the staff came in and saw the horrendous mess, in the brand new reception,which was to be opened by senior management from Japan that morning. An email went out asking the culprits to own up, and come and make themselves known to HR. Surprisingly there was no response, until the second email came out , highlighting the fact that CCTV footage of the entire episode had been captured, and it would be in the best interests of those involved to "come clean"
Hours later one person sacked, and the puker disciplined. What it is with traders/brokers and toilet habits I'll never know?
Silverbullet767 said:
Also Bookmarked, perfect place to re-post this gem. Most of you will have seen it.
hahahaa. Brilliant!!!!ajcj said:
I confess to feeling selfconscious when last night's lamb dhansak, chana massala, keema naan and Cobra is struggling its way out and making a lot of fuss while it does, especially when the traps to either side are occupied by chaps who seem to be able to lay one down with barely a splash, but for true embarrassment, you need a hotel room on your first night away with a new cutie.
So lots of charming conversation and civilised behaviour and attention to personal hygiene and nipping outside to fart have paid off, and several months in it's time for a romantic weekend away. The hotel room is in a dead trendy boutique place, and the wall between bedroom and bathroom is frosted glass. All other bathroom walls are tiled for maximum reverb. The door is also glass, and does not seal in any way - half-inch gaps all round. So you are effectively in the same room as the bed, which is where you leave your amour, curled up and warm ("hurry back", she murmurs) on the morning after a nice moroccan meal with plenty of chickpeas, spiced lamb, felafel and so on, plus a couple of bottles of rough red, and whisky to finish. You pace with measured tread to the echo chamber, then hunker down to answer the insistent call from the lower colon.
To begin with, it sounded like a duck being strangled half-underwater, then as if thirty clowns wearing oversize rubber shoes were having a sprinting race over a massive bowl of jelly, then as I desperately applied restrictive pressure, it faded into an anguished squeak like a deflating balloon, then as my muscle control gave out, a series of small escaping explosions escalated into a titanic rasp that echoed for several seconds.
Having done the paperwork, brushed everywhere in the bowl, including the underside of the seat (how in the name of gravity could that have happened?), washed hands, and assumed as nonchalant an expression as I could muster, I strolled back in to find her sitting up, covers drawn protectively up under her chin, eyes like a lemur, asking whether I was ok, and did I need medical attention?
Kind of killed the mood, rather.
So lots of charming conversation and civilised behaviour and attention to personal hygiene and nipping outside to fart have paid off, and several months in it's time for a romantic weekend away. The hotel room is in a dead trendy boutique place, and the wall between bedroom and bathroom is frosted glass. All other bathroom walls are tiled for maximum reverb. The door is also glass, and does not seal in any way - half-inch gaps all round. So you are effectively in the same room as the bed, which is where you leave your amour, curled up and warm ("hurry back", she murmurs) on the morning after a nice moroccan meal with plenty of chickpeas, spiced lamb, felafel and so on, plus a couple of bottles of rough red, and whisky to finish. You pace with measured tread to the echo chamber, then hunker down to answer the insistent call from the lower colon.
To begin with, it sounded like a duck being strangled half-underwater, then as if thirty clowns wearing oversize rubber shoes were having a sprinting race over a massive bowl of jelly, then as I desperately applied restrictive pressure, it faded into an anguished squeak like a deflating balloon, then as my muscle control gave out, a series of small escaping explosions escalated into a titanic rasp that echoed for several seconds.
Having done the paperwork, brushed everywhere in the bowl, including the underside of the seat (how in the name of gravity could that have happened?), washed hands, and assumed as nonchalant an expression as I could muster, I strolled back in to find her sitting up, covers drawn protectively up under her chin, eyes like a lemur, asking whether I was ok, and did I need medical attention?
Kind of killed the mood, rather.
As an apprentice electrician in a steel works way back in the day, I was sent to fix a cooker in one of the plant mess rooms. On opening the oven door I was greeted with a rather large turd on a plate. Oh, how everyone laughed, including me.
But how you would find it funny when the turd was in a cooker that you would use yourself? Beats me.
But how you would find it funny when the turd was in a cooker that you would use yourself? Beats me.
9mm said:
Believe it or not it's pretty common for people to take a dump in display toilets in shops. Not the wall mounted ones though. That would be impressive.
Aha, that reminds me - back to the building site days, on yet another block of apartments, one of them was full to bursting with bathroom ware, sinks, shower trays, bath tubs and of course, toilets - all lined up in a row, about a dozen of them, so somebody just had to take a st in one of course. Beggars belief.
On I remember being told was from someone I used to work with in a truck dealership.
A proper rough arse mechanic had had an argument with one of the sales reps (the rep blamed this mechanic for a truck not being ready for a customer on time or something). As revenge the mechanic stole the rep briefcase and baked a massive loaf of in it and put it back in the reps office. The sales rep guy lost his next sale when he opened his briefcase in front of his next client, in their office.
A proper rough arse mechanic had had an argument with one of the sales reps (the rep blamed this mechanic for a truck not being ready for a customer on time or something). As revenge the mechanic stole the rep briefcase and baked a massive loaf of in it and put it back in the reps office. The sales rep guy lost his next sale when he opened his briefcase in front of his next client, in their office.
A mate worked at B&Q, he not only found piss and st in display toilets but also someone had crapped in a double wardrobe. Anther mate was bullied at school, he saw his bully a few years later working as a cleaner in a hospital. He went to the toilet and had a dump which he scooped out and laid across the back joint of the toilet seat, he then closed the seat mashing the turd. He went and reported to reception that there was a mess in the toilet and watched with delight as the bully had to clear it up.
t in display toilets but also someone had crapped in a double wardrobe. Anther mate was bullied at school, he saw his bully a few years later working as a cleaner in a hospital. He went to the toilet and had a dump which he scooped out and laid across the back joint of the toilet seat, he then closed the seat mashing the turd. He went and reported to reception that there was a mess in the toilet and watched with delight as the bully had to clear it up.One quiet morning, a number of years ago on an undisclosed military base the every solider sailer and airman attending courses was summonsed to the parade ground and ordered to "fall in" on their respective units.
After standing for a while we were addressed by the second in charge of the camp and informed that there was "an animal amongst us".
Next one file at a time we were marched away and towards the Automat NAFFI ( think shop with vending machines ).
Once outside we were filed through in single file and stopped and bought to attention in front of one if those glass fronted carousel snack machines. Yes you have guessed it , behind the window amongst the neatly displayed, out of date confectionary lay a turd of gargantuan proportions displayed on a paper doily .
We are all ordered "look at that" and "was that you ?" (appox 800 of us)
Sadly I didn't recollect doing it so I was no help to their investigation . The Automat was out of bounds for a while after this ......
Last year at work on two consecutive days someone had deposited the contents of their bowel behind our used car display at some point between us closing up in the evening and opening back up in the morning, however this was no ordinary turd, it looked as though the animal that had left it may have had a particularly bad curry the night before as it was just a blob of sticky brown mess on the concrete, no definition or anything, just a big blob of st, about the same size as a decent cow pat.
Unfortunately no one would clear it up so myself and my manager were out there with a snow shovel, latex gloves, a shovel and a black bin liner, I don't do poo at all; I was retching as my manager deposited this horrible brown sticky mess into the bag that I was holding, I very nearly threw up, it was horrible, especially when this mess refused to budge from the snow shovel it was so sticky!
The second day that this happened I refused point blank to help clear it up.
t, about the same size as a decent cow pat. Unfortunately no one would clear it up so myself and my manager were out there with a snow shovel, latex gloves, a shovel and a black bin liner, I don't do poo at all; I was retching as my manager deposited this horrible brown sticky mess into the bag that I was holding, I very nearly threw up, it was horrible, especially when this mess refused to budge from the snow shovel it was so sticky!
The second day that this happened I refused point blank to help clear it up.
Edited by HTP99 on Saturday 2nd August 11:39
philbrooker said:
One quiet morning, a number of years ago on an undisclosed military base the every solider sailer and airman attending courses was summonsed to the parade ground and ordered to "fall in" on their respective units.
After standing for a while we were addressed by the second in charge of the camp and informed that there was "an animal amongst us".
Next one file at a time we were marched away and towards the Automat NAFFI ( think shop with vending machines ).
Once outside we were filed through in single file and stopped and bought to attention in front of one if those glass fronted carousel snack machines. Yes you have guessed it , behind the window amongst the neatly displayed, out of date confectionary lay a turd of gargantuan proportions displayed on a paper doily .
We are all ordered "look at that" and "was that you ?" (appox 800 of us)
Sadly I didn't recollect doing it so I was no help to their investigation . The Automat was out of bounds for a while after this ......
I've recoiled in horror at a few of the stories, but this one genuinely has me rolling with laughterAfter standing for a while we were addressed by the second in charge of the camp and informed that there was "an animal amongst us".
Next one file at a time we were marched away and towards the Automat NAFFI ( think shop with vending machines ).
Once outside we were filed through in single file and stopped and bought to attention in front of one if those glass fronted carousel snack machines. Yes you have guessed it , behind the window amongst the neatly displayed, out of date confectionary lay a turd of gargantuan proportions displayed on a paper doily .
We are all ordered "look at that" and "was that you ?" (appox 800 of us)
Sadly I didn't recollect doing it so I was no help to their investigation . The Automat was out of bounds for a while after this ......
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