Match.com (Volume 6)
Discussion
ChemicalChaos said:
I've come to the conclusion that I am getting old.
In the past, when I fancied girls it would be on basis of a fling, imagining all the possible bedroom activities - just like most other teenagers I suppose.
These days, when I fall for a girl, it's on the basis of thinking how perfect they would be to settle down into a long term relationship with, of all the mutual hobbies and interests we could do together, of simply sharing an a cuddle whilst watching a film on a winters evening. Whilst obviously the physical attraction is still a large part of me fancying someone, only a little bit of my mind thinks randy thoughts about them.
Is it normal to make this thought transition at age 23?
No, I'm fifty and I still want to bang 23 year olds...In the past, when I fancied girls it would be on basis of a fling, imagining all the possible bedroom activities - just like most other teenagers I suppose.
These days, when I fall for a girl, it's on the basis of thinking how perfect they would be to settle down into a long term relationship with, of all the mutual hobbies and interests we could do together, of simply sharing an a cuddle whilst watching a film on a winters evening. Whilst obviously the physical attraction is still a large part of me fancying someone, only a little bit of my mind thinks randy thoughts about them.
Is it normal to make this thought transition at age 23?
Sway said:
No, but then that's probably a bonus in your mind.
Perhaps finding someone to bump uglies with who'll tolerate the eccentricity is a good first step, as going the other way round is likely to leave you lusting after Ewok stand-ins...
Been there, done that. Had the flings, dealt with the mental. Not interested in meaningless shagging for the sake of it with shallow nutcasesPerhaps finding someone to bump uglies with who'll tolerate the eccentricity is a good first step, as going the other way round is likely to leave you lusting after Ewok stand-ins...
hornetrider said:
Nothing turns off student girls more than a serious relationship seeking dweeb.
And yet, most of my friends are in serious, long term relationships and planning their lives togetherVincefox said:
I've come to the conclusion you're wearing age as an affectation.
Be yourself, your REAL self and it'll change things.
I am my real self. My real self IS part old fashioned chap, part cowboy rocker. My real self IS a cutting edge science geek who also likes Victorian heavy engineering. And my real self IS mentally about 65. I can't help my personality, and I'm not changing for anyone. Be yourself, your REAL self and it'll change things.
Its funny really how the tables turn. I broke up with my ex girlfriend in Bristol because she wanted to settle down and I didn't - at age 20, I wanted to drink and muck around with fast cars, but she wanted to start a family and find a house together!
Now, last week I asked out a truly fantastic, gorgeous 80s rock chick I've become very good friends with. Part of her very kind but still negative response included the words "You are so sweet and any girl would be lucky to be with you, so I feel awful saying I only want to be friends. I am kind of a party animal, very loud, and go out a lot. You don't seem to enjoy that kind of lifestyle as much as I do, and I don't want to hurt you".
In fact, of the last few girls I've asked out over the years, the common theme seems to be "You're such a lovely guy, but...". It pains me every time, but I'm not about to try and fake being some sort of douchebag in order to attract girls. I am who I am, and that's the way it is.
ChemicalChaos said:
I am my real self. My real self IS part old fashioned chap, part cowboy rocker. My real self IS a cutting edge science geek who also likes Victorian heavy engineering. And my real self IS mentally about 65. I can't help my personality, and I'm not changing for anyone.
Its funny really how the tables turn. I broke up with my ex girlfriend in Bristol because she wanted to settle down and I didn't - at age 20, I wanted to drink and muck around with fast cars, but she wanted to start a family and find a house together!
Now, last week I asked out a truly fantastic, gorgeous 80s rock chick I've become very good friends with. Part of her very kind but still negative response included the words "You are so sweet and any girl would be lucky to be with you, so I feel awful saying I only want to be friends. I am kind of a party animal, very loud, and go out a lot. You don't seem to enjoy that kind of lifestyle as much as I do, and I don't want to hurt you".
In fact, of the last few girls I've asked out over the years, the common theme seems to be "You're such a lovely guy, but...". It pains me every time, but I'm not about to try and fake being some sort of douchebag in order to attract girls. I am who I am, and that's the way it is.
With respect, how the fIts funny really how the tables turn. I broke up with my ex girlfriend in Bristol because she wanted to settle down and I didn't - at age 20, I wanted to drink and muck around with fast cars, but she wanted to start a family and find a house together!
Now, last week I asked out a truly fantastic, gorgeous 80s rock chick I've become very good friends with. Part of her very kind but still negative response included the words "You are so sweet and any girl would be lucky to be with you, so I feel awful saying I only want to be friends. I am kind of a party animal, very loud, and go out a lot. You don't seem to enjoy that kind of lifestyle as much as I do, and I don't want to hurt you".
In fact, of the last few girls I've asked out over the years, the common theme seems to be "You're such a lovely guy, but...". It pains me every time, but I'm not about to try and fake being some sort of douchebag in order to attract girls. I am who I am, and that's the way it is.
k do you know what being 65 feels like? When i was younger i thought i felt older, more middle aged. Now i AM middle aged i realise i had it all wrong. The way i think now and my actions based on my experiences and perception bear no resemblance to what i thought this age would be like.I like you matt. I suspect if we ever met we'd probably get on, but a lot of what you've written in this post just doesn't sit right. You're either incredibly naive or a hell of a troll mate.
ChemicalChaos said:
I've come to the conclusion that I am getting old.
In the past, when I fancied girls it would be on basis of a fling, imagining all the possible bedroom activities - just like most other teenagers I suppose.
These days, when I fall for a girl, it's on the basis of thinking how perfect they would be to settle down into a long term relationship with, of all the mutual hobbies and interests we could do together, of simply sharing an a cuddle whilst watching a film on a winters evening. Whilst obviously the physical attraction is still a large part of me fancying someone, only a little bit of my mind thinks randy thoughts about them.
Is it normal to make this thought transition at age 23?
Read that back to yourself. It sounds like a retired widower's dating profile.In the past, when I fancied girls it would be on basis of a fling, imagining all the possible bedroom activities - just like most other teenagers I suppose.
These days, when I fall for a girl, it's on the basis of thinking how perfect they would be to settle down into a long term relationship with, of all the mutual hobbies and interests we could do together, of simply sharing an a cuddle whilst watching a film on a winters evening. Whilst obviously the physical attraction is still a large part of me fancying someone, only a little bit of my mind thinks randy thoughts about them.
Is it normal to make this thought transition at age 23?
ChemicalChaos said:
I am my real self. My real self IS part old fashioned chap, part cowboy rocker. My real self IS a cutting edge science geek who also likes Victorian heavy engineering. And my real self IS mentally about 65. I can't help my personality, and I'm not changing for anyone.
As above, you're only going to attract 65 year old women. I get the impression that you aren't looking for a relationship with someone of that age? But that's exactly where you're pitching yourself.ChemicalChaos said:
In fact, of the last few girls I've asked out over the years, the common theme seems to be "You're such a lovely guy, but...". It pains me every time, but I'm not about to try and fake being some sort of douchebag in order to attract girls. I am who I am, and that's the way it is.
You must have realised that's just a polite put down? If they really thought you were a lovely guy, they'd be happy to accept your advances.I hate to break it to you, but the nice guy rarely gets the girl. Women love a bad boy, it's just they way they are wired. Sure they all moan about being treated badly, but then they always go for (or back to) blokes that do that. They say they want a nice man that will treat them well (and quite often they genuinely believe that), but they are still attracted to the bad boys.
The only exception to that is when they are specifically looking for someone to get pregnant by. But you won't have to worry about that, as all the women you'll be attracting are significantly post menopausal.
ChemicalChaos said:
Is it normal to make this thought transition at age 23?
I'd say probably not. When was the last time you got a full hormonal blood test done? (Remember all the PH advice? First is getting your hair cut, next is getting your clothes changed, next is are you wearing the correct collogne yadayada).I'd suggest you see your GP and book a quick and easy no frills blood test, nonchalantly state you want a full hormone level test done too.
You see the difference is that females can spot a 'cuddler' a mile away, and whilst most females do indeed like a cuddle they want a hell of a lot more 'piston action' too. A once a month oil and filter change is not enough for them.
There are very few women out there that can (or want) to live like this, run on crap fuel with substantial maintenance.
Get your self serviced so you are in prime condition, then you can get in there and do a bit more 'reboring work'. You'll soon figure out which ones need a quick rebore and exchange of rings vs the ones that just want to be ragged around.
HTH
ChemicalChaos said:
I am who I am, and that's the way it is.
Well no offence, but you're in trouble. Relationships mean compromises, and if you're not prepared to change parts of who you are, then you're going to get to know your left hand really well.You're early 20s for f
ks sake. Get a grip.
Point is Matt, you're going into things thinking of the cuddles and walks around a steam fair. Your mates all started out with their girls having rampant sex, which grew into something long term.
I used to get the 'you're lovely, but..' speech. I too raged against it thinking 'that's me, I'm not turning into an asshole'.
Then I realised what they were talking about wasn't that they wanted me to be a chauvinistic pig. I did want to shag them. I did want to smear them in cream and spend the next 24 hours licking it off. I just hid that so they'd not run a mile, and maybe want a relationship.
As soon as I let a little of that show through, then I never got told I was too nice. I got told that they felt lucky to have been picked by me, whilst cuddling up in bed.
Girls want both. So do blokes. Only showing the caring, ready to commit side leaves out the parts that are perfectly normal in a relationship instead of a friendship, hence the friend zone treatment - that's what you're presenting.
As for trying it out and getting fed up with the mental, same for every other fella. As long as the emotional attachment is kept appropriate for the stage in the relationship it's not actually a problem, and its a valuable learning curve...
I used to get the 'you're lovely, but..' speech. I too raged against it thinking 'that's me, I'm not turning into an asshole'.
Then I realised what they were talking about wasn't that they wanted me to be a chauvinistic pig. I did want to shag them. I did want to smear them in cream and spend the next 24 hours licking it off. I just hid that so they'd not run a mile, and maybe want a relationship.
As soon as I let a little of that show through, then I never got told I was too nice. I got told that they felt lucky to have been picked by me, whilst cuddling up in bed.
Girls want both. So do blokes. Only showing the caring, ready to commit side leaves out the parts that are perfectly normal in a relationship instead of a friendship, hence the friend zone treatment - that's what you're presenting.
As for trying it out and getting fed up with the mental, same for every other fella. As long as the emotional attachment is kept appropriate for the stage in the relationship it's not actually a problem, and its a valuable learning curve...
TheExcession said:
ChemicalChaos said:
Is it normal to make this thought transition at age 23?
I'd say probably not. When was the last time you got a full hormonal blood test done? (Remember all the PH advice? First is getting your hair cut, next is getting your clothes changed, next is are you wearing the correct collogne yadayada).I'd suggest you see your GP and book a quick and easy no frills blood test, nonchalantly state you want a full hormone level test done too.
You see the difference is that females can spot a 'cuddler' a mile away, and whilst most females do indeed like a cuddle they want a hell of a lot more 'piston action' too. A once a month oil and filter change is not enough for them.
There are very few women out there that can (or want) to live like this, run on crap fuel with substantial maintenance.
Get your self serviced so you are in prime condition, then you can get in there and do a bit more 'reboring work'. You'll soon figure out which ones need a quick rebore and exchange of rings vs the ones that just want to be ragged around.
HTH
Sway said:
Point is Matt, you're going into things thinking of the cuddles and walks around a steam fair. Your mates all started out with their girls having rampant sex, which grew into something long term.
I used to get the 'you're lovely, but..' speech. I too raged against it thinking 'that's me, I'm not turning into an asshole'.
Then I realised what they were talking about wasn't that they wanted me to be a chauvinistic pig. I did want to shag them. I did want to smear them in cream and spend the next 24 hours licking it off. I just hid that so they'd not run a mile, and maybe want a relationship.
As soon as I let a little of that show through, then I never got told I was too nice. I got told that they felt lucky to have been picked by me, whilst cuddling up in bed.
Girls want both. So do blokes. Only showing the caring, ready to commit side leaves out the parts that are perfectly normal in a relationship instead of a friendship, hence the friend zone treatment - that's what you're presenting.
As for trying it out and getting fed up with the mental, same for every other fella. As long as the emotional attachment is kept appropriate for the stage in the relationship it's not actually a problem, and its a valuable learning curve...
No wonder youve invited Karl and co. round for a BBQ @ GoodwoodI used to get the 'you're lovely, but..' speech. I too raged against it thinking 'that's me, I'm not turning into an asshole'.
Then I realised what they were talking about wasn't that they wanted me to be a chauvinistic pig. I did want to shag them. I did want to smear them in cream and spend the next 24 hours licking it off. I just hid that so they'd not run a mile, and maybe want a relationship.
As soon as I let a little of that show through, then I never got told I was too nice. I got told that they felt lucky to have been picked by me, whilst cuddling up in bed.
Girls want both. So do blokes. Only showing the caring, ready to commit side leaves out the parts that are perfectly normal in a relationship instead of a friendship, hence the friend zone treatment - that's what you're presenting.
As for trying it out and getting fed up with the mental, same for every other fella. As long as the emotional attachment is kept appropriate for the stage in the relationship it's not actually a problem, and its a valuable learning curve...
ChemicalChaos said:
. Part of her very kind but still negative response included the words "You are so sweet and any girl would be lucky to be with you, so I feel awful saying I only want to be friends. I am kind of a party animal, very loud, and go out a lot. You don't seem to enjoy that kind of lifestyle as much as I do, and I don't want to hurt you".
There's a lot of truth there then. She sees the relationship (and I mean friendship) as being proximity based, but hasnt got a lot in common with you. You dodged a bullet as if you'd managed to convince her that she was wrong, to give it a try, it'd fall apart fairly quickly because from the sounds of it, you dont seem to enjoy that lifestyle. That's fair. But, was that an email? Or have you remembered verbatim? Asking girls out on email/chat gives them too many reasons to say no. Tindr/Match/OKCupid - get a date quickly without finding out everything to the nth degree. The more speak on those sites, the less dates happen. You need to hit them with it in person, infront of them, and it'd help if they're in the middle or towards the end of having a good time with you. Becoming too pally with someone quickly puts you in the friendzone, which is where you led yourself from the sounds of it.
Attitudes towards life can be strange things. I think you're a sponge, you soak in things from other people and take on part of their personas. Maybe to try to fit in, I dont know. I think though, from what you've said a couple of times, you're probably getting to grips with being a 65 year old in a 22 year olds body. Or maybe you're sponging in what others perception of you is.
What's hard though is you need to rate yourself on the ladder.
If you're a realistic 6, you can take a 4.5-5 girl, and maybe you can go up to a 6, possibly a 6.5. Anything above that is w
kandweepifonlytheydsee pipedreams. The problem is rating yourself, then rating others. Girls are able to do this instantly, guys cant see past tits and arse quick enough to find out whether there's anything behind that, so often end up trying to go too far up the ladder than what's good for them, which leads to rejection, embarassment, heartbreak etcGotta pick your battles.
(ETA) In the case of Cindi Lauper, you're saying you want to settle down, have nice walks, call each other snuggles. She's saying she wants to go out and get f
ked up on Jager, do some sniff and sleep til the next night. That's a compatibility nightmareAlso, this mates in long term relationships thing. If they're the same age as you are, what you'll see in around 5 years time is that they've either fallen apart after Uni or they've settled down, maybe got married, had kids. Around 25-27, 30 will start tapping them on the shoulder, then they're wondering if the guy they're with now is going to be the one they stay with, and he stays with her. If not, they'll break it off and find someone else. That's not an invite.
Edited by andy-xr on Monday 9th March 10:12
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