Match.com (Volume 6)
Discussion
mjb1 said:
You must have realised that's just a polite put down? If they really thought you were a lovely guy, they'd be happy to accept your advances.
I hate to break it to you, but the nice guy rarely gets the girl. Women love a bad boy, it's just they way they are wired. Sure they all moan about being treated badly, but then they always go for (or back to) blokes that do that. They say they want a nice man that will treat them well (and quite often they genuinely believe that), but they are still attracted to the bad boys.
The only exception to that is when they are specifically looking for someone to get pregnant by. But you won't have to worry about that, as all the women you'll be attracting are significantly post menopausal.
It's a balance between being a nice guy who's a bit edgy, and a nice guy who is boring. Often people who think they're nice guys are the latter, and so get the good old "no".I hate to break it to you, but the nice guy rarely gets the girl. Women love a bad boy, it's just they way they are wired. Sure they all moan about being treated badly, but then they always go for (or back to) blokes that do that. They say they want a nice man that will treat them well (and quite often they genuinely believe that), but they are still attracted to the bad boys.
The only exception to that is when they are specifically looking for someone to get pregnant by. But you won't have to worry about that, as all the women you'll be attracting are significantly post menopausal.
My last ten years, or so, in the UK before I moved to Thailand to retire, I went onto many Dating Sites and arranged to meet some stunning Eastern European girls. But they always sent their mums to the date, as the picture of the girl I had arranged to see was nothing like the one who turned up!!!
In the end, "pay and play " was the easiest way. There are lots of young Polish girls advertising their 'wares' around the London area for £100 a 'pop'.
No meal, no drinks, no small talk, just get on with it........then I went down the pub for a relaxing drink after..
Much more gratifying!!!,
In the end, "pay and play " was the easiest way. There are lots of young Polish girls advertising their 'wares' around the London area for £100 a 'pop'.
No meal, no drinks, no small talk, just get on with it........then I went down the pub for a relaxing drink after..
Much more gratifying!!!,
Sway said:
Point is Matt, you're going into things thinking of the cuddles and walks around a steam fair. Your mates all started out with their girls having rampant sex, which grew into something long term.
I used to get the 'you're lovely, but..' speech. I too raged against it thinking 'that's me, I'm not turning into an asshole'.
Then I realised what they were talking about wasn't that they wanted me to be a chauvinistic pig. I did want to shag them. I did want to smear them in cream and spend the next 24 hours licking it off. I just hid that so they'd not run a mile, and maybe want a relationship.
As soon as I let a little of that show through, then I never got told I was too nice. I got told that they felt lucky to have been picked by me, whilst cuddling up in bed.
Girls want both. So do blokes. Only showing the caring, ready to commit side leaves out the parts that are perfectly normal in a relationship instead of a friendship, hence the friend zone treatment - that's what you're presenting.
As for trying it out and getting fed up with the mental, same for every other fella. As long as the emotional attachment is kept appropriate for the stage in the relationship it's not actually a problem, and its a valuable learning curve...
I agree with this.I used to get the 'you're lovely, but..' speech. I too raged against it thinking 'that's me, I'm not turning into an asshole'.
Then I realised what they were talking about wasn't that they wanted me to be a chauvinistic pig. I did want to shag them. I did want to smear them in cream and spend the next 24 hours licking it off. I just hid that so they'd not run a mile, and maybe want a relationship.
As soon as I let a little of that show through, then I never got told I was too nice. I got told that they felt lucky to have been picked by me, whilst cuddling up in bed.
Girls want both. So do blokes. Only showing the caring, ready to commit side leaves out the parts that are perfectly normal in a relationship instead of a friendship, hence the friend zone treatment - that's what you're presenting.
As for trying it out and getting fed up with the mental, same for every other fella. As long as the emotional attachment is kept appropriate for the stage in the relationship it's not actually a problem, and its a valuable learning curve...
If you are going in with the mindset of 'I want to settle down and marry you' before you have even got off the ground then people are going to think you are strange or needy. This is especially so at 23 when settling down isn't on the agenda of most people. You are missing an in between stage though of 'I like you or even love you, could marry and settle down with you, but why don't we just carry on with this level of commitment and see what the next stage of our life means for us re jobs, house etc and see if we still feel the same then'.
It's natural as a relationship develops for many people to think about settling down and all the babies and mortgage things that that entails but you don't get to that point without jumping some of the other hurdles and fun first. When you are older and done the dating thing then its sometimes easier to know who you are and where you are in life, esepcailly re career, and you might even fast track that beginning stage. If you are giving off the 'I want to settle down' vibes after a handful of dates then you need to reign it in a bit. Those that want to skip straight ahead to the settle down phase are probably running out of time on the hormone clock, got kids so can't deal with dating, or want to sit at home and do knitting and gardening.
I disagree, not every 23 year old needs to be out shagging anything and everything that moves. My circle of friends at that time was decidedly normal in their drinking/ socialising/ women abilities and there were several who were just the having a girlfriend type. Without that meaning they were desperate to settle down, they just preferred having a girlfriend.
But what does it matter, literally anything could be written on this thread and CC would plow on his way regardless. You see that in life, funny how those types always seem to be unhappy and/or single...
But what does it matter, literally anything could be written on this thread and CC would plow on his way regardless. You see that in life, funny how those types always seem to be unhappy and/or single...
Gibbo998 said:
My last ten years, or so, in the UK before I moved to Thailand to retire, I went onto many Dating Sites and arranged to meet some stunning Eastern European girls. But they always sent their mums to the date, as the picture of the girl I had arranged to see was nothing like the one who turned up!!!
In the end, "pay and play " was the easiest way. There are lots of young Polish girls advertising their 'wares' around the London area for £100 a 'pop'.
No meal, no drinks, no small talk, just get on with it........then I went down the pub for a relaxing drink after..
Much more gratifying!!!,
Whereas in THAILAND... In the end, "pay and play " was the easiest way. There are lots of young Polish girls advertising their 'wares' around the London area for £100 a 'pop'.
No meal, no drinks, no small talk, just get on with it........then I went down the pub for a relaxing drink after..
Much more gratifying!!!,
Vincefox said:
With respect, how the f
k do you know what being 65 feels like? When i was younger i thought i felt older, more middle aged. Now i AM middle aged i realise i had it all wrong. The way i think now and my actions based on my experiences and perception bear no resemblance to what i thought this age would be like.
I like you matt. I suspect if we ever met we'd probably get on, but a lot of what you've written in this post just doesn't sit right. You're either incredibly naive or a hell of a troll mate.
Vince speaks the truth. I thought I was mentally middle aged and quite mature when I was eighteen, five years (and a lot of sk do you know what being 65 feels like? When i was younger i thought i felt older, more middle aged. Now i AM middle aged i realise i had it all wrong. The way i think now and my actions based on my experiences and perception bear no resemblance to what i thought this age would be like.I like you matt. I suspect if we ever met we'd probably get on, but a lot of what you've written in this post just doesn't sit right. You're either incredibly naive or a hell of a troll mate.
t) later I know how wrong I was. I'm mentally twenty three and I still have a hell of a lot to learn. On topic, I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting a fling and wanting stability. That's what I want (I think) and I don't think it's very unusual.
If you are determined to get this stable relationship thing however, be prepared to be single for a while. A long while. A long, long while.
ChemicalChaos said:
These days, when I fall for a girl, it's on the basis of thinking how perfect they would be to settle down into a long term relationship with, of all the mutual hobbies and interests we could do together, of simply sharing an a cuddle whilst watching a film on a winters evening. Whilst obviously the physical attraction is still a large part of me fancying someone, only a little bit of my mind thinks randy thoughts about them.
God forbid you meet a streetwise girl, you're gonna get schooled.
ChemicalChaos said:
Now, last week I asked out a truly fantastic, gorgeous 80s rock chick I've become very good friends with. Part of her very kind but still negative response included the words "You are so sweet and any girl would be lucky to be with you, so I feel awful saying I only want to be friends. I am kind of a party animal, very loud, and go out a lot. You don't seem to enjoy that kind of lifestyle as much as I do, and I don't want to hurt you".
There's the problem. I know 'friend zone' is an irritating Americanism, but it is also a real thing. It's funny, you seem to be going out and actively seeking a long term relationship. I had a friend who did that - it got him 7/8ths of f
k all to be honest. Then he got into the mindset of meeting a girl and going out to get to know them. If it went somewhere brilliant. If it didn't, well these things happen. He is doing a lot better! Are you waiting to find out if they are wife material first, and then asking them out, by which point they have mentally put you in the pigeon hole marked 'friend'?
The reason they say 'you're a nice guy' is because (despite the constantly getting angry and political tirades 'round these parts) you probably are. Girls like going out with nice guys. If you asked them out fairly sharply after meeting them and deciding they are pretty and seem quite nice, you'd probably get better results.
As it is you let it get to a stage where its not about you being nice or not, its because in their head you have become a 'friend' - and moving the dynamic away from that would be weird, whereas 6 months or so ago (maybe) it wouldn't have been weird.
That is what I am interpreting. It may be you don't dither around - but it sounds like you do.
Edited by Vocal Minority on Tuesday 10th March 09:51
ChemicalChaos said:
hornetrider said:
Nothing turns off student girls more than a serious relationship seeking dweeb.
And yet, most of my friends are in serious, long term relationships and planning their lives together...
ChemicalChaos said:
Now, last week I asked out a truly fantastic, gorgeous 80s rock chick I've become very good friends with. Part of her very kind but still negative response included the words "You are so sweet and any girl would be lucky to be with you, so I feel awful saying I only want to be friends. I am kind of a party animal, very loud, and go out a lot. You don't seem to enjoy that kind of lifestyle as much as I do, and I don't want to hurt you".
In fact, of the last few girls I've asked out over the years, the common theme seems to be "You're such a lovely guy, but...". It pains me every time, but I'm not about to try and fake being some sort of douchebag in order to attract girls. I am who I am, and that's the way it is.
I refer the honourable gentleman to the answer I gave some moments ago.In fact, of the last few girls I've asked out over the years, the common theme seems to be "You're such a lovely guy, but...". It pains me every time, but I'm not about to try and fake being some sort of douchebag in order to attract girls. I am who I am, and that's the way it is.
Vincefox said:
ChemicalChaos said:
I am my real self. My real self IS part old fashioned chap, part cowboy rocker. My real self IS a cutting edge science geek who also likes Victorian heavy engineering. And my real self IS mentally about 65. I can't help my personality, and I'm not changing for anyone.
Its funny really how the tables turn. I broke up with my ex girlfriend in Bristol because she wanted to settle down and I didn't - at age 20, I wanted to drink and muck around with fast cars, but she wanted to start a family and find a house together!
Now, last week I asked out a truly fantastic, gorgeous 80s rock chick I've become very good friends with. Part of her very kind but still negative response included the words "You are so sweet and any girl would be lucky to be with you, so I feel awful saying I only want to be friends. I am kind of a party animal, very loud, and go out a lot. You don't seem to enjoy that kind of lifestyle as much as I do, and I don't want to hurt you".
In fact, of the last few girls I've asked out over the years, the common theme seems to be "You're such a lovely guy, but...". It pains me every time, but I'm not about to try and fake being some sort of douchebag in order to attract girls. I am who I am, and that's the way it is.
With respect, how the fIts funny really how the tables turn. I broke up with my ex girlfriend in Bristol because she wanted to settle down and I didn't - at age 20, I wanted to drink and muck around with fast cars, but she wanted to start a family and find a house together!
Now, last week I asked out a truly fantastic, gorgeous 80s rock chick I've become very good friends with. Part of her very kind but still negative response included the words "You are so sweet and any girl would be lucky to be with you, so I feel awful saying I only want to be friends. I am kind of a party animal, very loud, and go out a lot. You don't seem to enjoy that kind of lifestyle as much as I do, and I don't want to hurt you".
In fact, of the last few girls I've asked out over the years, the common theme seems to be "You're such a lovely guy, but...". It pains me every time, but I'm not about to try and fake being some sort of douchebag in order to attract girls. I am who I am, and that's the way it is.
k do you know what being 65 feels like? When i was younger i thought i felt older, more middle aged. Now i AM middle aged i realise i had it all wrong. The way i think now and my actions based on my experiences and perception bear no resemblance to what i thought this age would be like.I like you matt. I suspect if we ever met we'd probably get on, but a lot of what you've written in this post just doesn't sit right. You're either incredibly naive or a hell of a troll mate.
You're 23,.you think you are world wise, but you're not. Not at all. Not even remotely close. You wear your personality like an overcoat and it comes across as unreal. And that's not a criticism per se, it's merely an observation of the endless look at me posts you write on PH. You may want something serious, but you are Not even remotely close to being able to make such a relationship work.
I think you lack self confidence and you wear these personas as a way of addressing your insecurity. You seek assurance from others and you do it by being overtly different. If that works for you, then fine. but I don't think it does and for what you claim to seek in someone else, well that person probably seeks those qualities in a prospective partner to. Would you go out with you?
As I said, you're not even close to being ready for an adult relationship in the way that you want. It won't work. Not for you, not now. Later, but you will bring angst and insecurity I to something new that will make it harder than it needs to be. Be you, by all means, but learn to stop wearing your personality as overcoats and just be. Maybe you understand what I mean, Maybe you don't. If not, in time you will.
hornetrider said:
ChemicalChaos said:
hornetrider said:
Nothing turns off student girls more than a serious relationship seeking dweeb.
And yet, most of my friends are in serious, long term relationships and planning their lives together...
ChemicalChaos said:
Now, last week I asked out a truly fantastic, gorgeous 80s rock chick I've become very good friends with. Part of her very kind but still negative response included the words "You are so sweet and any girl would be lucky to be with you, so I feel awful saying I only want to be friends. I am kind of a party animal, very loud, and go out a lot. You don't seem to enjoy that kind of lifestyle as much as I do, and I don't want to hurt you".
In fact, of the last few girls I've asked out over the years, the common theme seems to be "You're such a lovely guy, but...". It pains me every time, but I'm not about to try and fake being some sort of douchebag in order to attract girls. I am who I am, and that's the way it is.
I refer the honourable gentleman to the answer I gave some moments ago.In fact, of the last few girls I've asked out over the years, the common theme seems to be "You're such a lovely guy, but...". It pains me every time, but I'm not about to try and fake being some sort of douchebag in order to attract girls. I am who I am, and that's the way it is.
Chemical nerd that would be more at home in a library or steam engine function, is still wondering why girls that are friends/known by association are knocking him back when he is asking out those on a date that are the complete polar opposite of what he is.
Doesnt want to change himself.... However he won't go out with a girl that is cut from the same cloth (like minded nerd who doesnt party). Taking a wild guess here, Im assuming that Matt finds them boring and hence doesnt bother or wants to join the party scene and thinks that to do that he should ask out an unobtainable?
If someone is a bit of a party animal, then you can get away with going out with a party animal, for as long as you keep up at least... If you a steam engine nerd, save yourself the heart ache as you aint never going to be able to cross into that world.
Or, just keep doing it and telling us of all the rejections you keep getting.
I'm still convinced that Matt/CC/Airbrakes etc. is some stooge posting on here whilst his 'operatives' back at GCHQ are watching the responses so that they can find the ideal candidate to fill their vacancy for a ridiculously understanding, tolerant, and patient spy to send out to North Korea to find out what makes that fat geezer tick.
Adenauer said:
I'm still convinced that Matt/CC/Airbrakes etc. is some stooge posting on here whilst his 'operatives' back at GCHQ are watching the responses so that they can find the ideal candidate to fill their vacancy for a ridiculously understanding, tolerant, and patient spy to send out to North Korea Peckham to find out what makes that fat geezer tick.
EFA 
drivin_me_nuts said:
Adenauer said:
I'm still convinced that Matt/CC/Airbrakes etc. is some stooge posting on here whilst his 'operatives' back at GCHQ are watching the responses so that they can find the ideal candidate to fill their vacancy for a ridiculously understanding, tolerant, and patient spy to send out to North Korea Peckham to find out what makes that fat geezer tick.
EFA.;)Adenauer said:
drivin_me_nuts said:
Adenauer said:
I'm still convinced that Matt/CC/Airbrakes etc. is some stooge posting on here whilst his 'operatives' back at GCHQ are watching the responses so that they can find the ideal candidate to fill their vacancy for a ridiculously understanding, tolerant, and patient spy to send out to North Korea Peckham to find out what makes that fat geezer tick.
EFA.;)Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff