Match.com (Volume 6)
Discussion
vrsmxtb said:
Well, I've found myself in a friendzone situation yet again.
I met up with a girl last weekend after having sent 3 or 4 messages on OKC. After a couple of messages about music and travel I asked her out for a drink, she sent me her number and we met up that weekend. Had a really great afternoon, I showed her round my favourite little corner in London, long walk round the park and then couple hours drinks and chatting in a cosy pub. Conversation flowed throughout, she's really cute and I felt really relaxed and confident around her. She brought up some quite personal things which I'm sure wouldn't normally be raised on a first date if there wasn't a good deal of immediate trust. I was buzzing afterwards, genuinely best date I've had for a few years with one of the prettiest girls I've met online.
Well anyway, sent her a text a couple hours after just to see if she got home ok, which she replied to a little later as she'd met with friends after our afternoon date. I replied, couple of little in-jokes from the afternoon, said I'd really enjoyed it and I'd call to see her again if she was game. However, I got the dreaded "lovely guy but.." reply, she said she hadn't felt that spark, although she was gushing with compliments about how much she'd enjoyed it too. However, I had put in my OKC profile at the end that I wasn't looking for friendship, which she referred to and was it best to leave it completely, even though she'd love to stay in touch. I replied saying it was a real shame, as I'd felt quite differently and that I'd had the best company with her for ages and how attractive I found her but said I'd love to just be friends, but have found it to be a mistake in the past so probably best to leave it there.
I admit I have read and understand the psychology of some of these dating coaches, and I'm fully aware I naturally fall into nice guy patterns. Flirting doesn't come naturally to me in person, although I'm actually really good when writing eg. FB Chat, text etc. I know I should have left it there, but I tend to over-think things so probably mistakenly the next day I sent her another message just saying that saying to leave it was a bit of a gut reaction to the "nice guy but..." text, I'd had second thoughts and I thought we'd got on too well to not stay in touch. She reacted very positively to that. Since then we've exchanged a couple more messages, I added her to FB and she's since revealed a couple of quite personal things again.
I know I've probably done a couple of things to compound the friendzone problem since. It's massively frustrating to hear such compliments and keenness for friendship, but be written off romantically after one date!
Unsure what to do now - I've been here before and got hurt by how difficult I find it balancing wanting to be friends and attraction and wanting more. In the past, I've had a couple of instances where I've just cut off completely. Interestingly both times, 3-6 months later both girls got back in touch with me, one progressed beyond friends, the other didn't again. Ironically the times I've had girls keen for me are when I don't like them much. There's a classic dynamic in dating it seems to me, but one which isn't natural to me when I like someone and hard to balance in with being genuine and confident, but being a little calculating as well.
So PH. Does keeping my latest friendzoner at arm's length but still staying positive and maybe agreeing to meet again if she suggests it (but only if she suggests it) sound right? If we do, should I up the flirtiness? Or is her straight-up no spark comment after one otherwise great date a major sticking point? Meanwhile I'm still on OKC and sending out messages quite regularly with some good replies here and there, so in no way depressed and pining, just a bit frustrated!
You're assuming the 'problem' is you, when the reality is that attractive, intelligent women can take their pick of internet swains, just as they do in real life.I met up with a girl last weekend after having sent 3 or 4 messages on OKC. After a couple of messages about music and travel I asked her out for a drink, she sent me her number and we met up that weekend. Had a really great afternoon, I showed her round my favourite little corner in London, long walk round the park and then couple hours drinks and chatting in a cosy pub. Conversation flowed throughout, she's really cute and I felt really relaxed and confident around her. She brought up some quite personal things which I'm sure wouldn't normally be raised on a first date if there wasn't a good deal of immediate trust. I was buzzing afterwards, genuinely best date I've had for a few years with one of the prettiest girls I've met online.
Well anyway, sent her a text a couple hours after just to see if she got home ok, which she replied to a little later as she'd met with friends after our afternoon date. I replied, couple of little in-jokes from the afternoon, said I'd really enjoyed it and I'd call to see her again if she was game. However, I got the dreaded "lovely guy but.." reply, she said she hadn't felt that spark, although she was gushing with compliments about how much she'd enjoyed it too. However, I had put in my OKC profile at the end that I wasn't looking for friendship, which she referred to and was it best to leave it completely, even though she'd love to stay in touch. I replied saying it was a real shame, as I'd felt quite differently and that I'd had the best company with her for ages and how attractive I found her but said I'd love to just be friends, but have found it to be a mistake in the past so probably best to leave it there.
I admit I have read and understand the psychology of some of these dating coaches, and I'm fully aware I naturally fall into nice guy patterns. Flirting doesn't come naturally to me in person, although I'm actually really good when writing eg. FB Chat, text etc. I know I should have left it there, but I tend to over-think things so probably mistakenly the next day I sent her another message just saying that saying to leave it was a bit of a gut reaction to the "nice guy but..." text, I'd had second thoughts and I thought we'd got on too well to not stay in touch. She reacted very positively to that. Since then we've exchanged a couple more messages, I added her to FB and she's since revealed a couple of quite personal things again.
I know I've probably done a couple of things to compound the friendzone problem since. It's massively frustrating to hear such compliments and keenness for friendship, but be written off romantically after one date!
Unsure what to do now - I've been here before and got hurt by how difficult I find it balancing wanting to be friends and attraction and wanting more. In the past, I've had a couple of instances where I've just cut off completely. Interestingly both times, 3-6 months later both girls got back in touch with me, one progressed beyond friends, the other didn't again. Ironically the times I've had girls keen for me are when I don't like them much. There's a classic dynamic in dating it seems to me, but one which isn't natural to me when I like someone and hard to balance in with being genuine and confident, but being a little calculating as well.
So PH. Does keeping my latest friendzoner at arm's length but still staying positive and maybe agreeing to meet again if she suggests it (but only if she suggests it) sound right? If we do, should I up the flirtiness? Or is her straight-up no spark comment after one otherwise great date a major sticking point? Meanwhile I'm still on OKC and sending out messages quite regularly with some good replies here and there, so in no way depressed and pining, just a bit frustrated!
If you're so discouraged after just one rejection, perhaps internet dating isn't for you. I maintain that internet dating can 'work', but only if you have:
a. The skin of a rhinoceros, or
b. Low standards which are easily met.
vrsmxtb said:
So PH. Does keeping my latest friendzoner at arm's length but still staying positive and maybe agreeing to meet again if she suggests it (but only if she suggests it) sound right? If we do, should I up the flirtiness? Or is her straight-up no spark comment after one otherwise great date a major sticking point? Meanwhile I'm still on OKC and sending out messages quite regularly with some good replies here and there, so in no way depressed and pining, just a bit frustrated!
Keeping her at arms length sounds about right, I'd never write someone off completely but don't put any more effort in. If she changes her mind, great! If she doesn't, you won't have wasted any time and energy chasing her. If you did meet her again I'd personally only do it if I had nothing else on that evening. Spending time with someone who's pretty and a good laugh is always more fun than sitting at home w
king and while it's highly unlikely anything will happen, never say never!I'd say keep doing what you're doing unless you're unhappy with yourself and dying to turn into an a
hole that goes on about Alphas and Betas all the time. A lot of these 'dating coaches' would probably call me a nice guy who's waiting to get walked all over but that hasn't happened yet. Sure, it takes me a little longer to find a girlfriend and I don't tend to have lots of dates and casual sex but I don't mind that. vrsmxtb said:
Well, I've found myself in a friendzone situation yet again.
I met up with a girl last weekend after having sent 3 or 4 messages on OKC. After a couple of messages about music and travel I asked her out for a drink, she sent me her number and we met up that weekend. Had a really great afternoon, I showed her round my favourite little corner in London, long walk round the park and then couple hours drinks and chatting in a cosy pub. Conversation flowed throughout, she's really cute and I felt really relaxed and confident around her. She brought up some quite personal things which I'm sure wouldn't normally be raised on a first date if there wasn't a good deal of immediate trust. I was buzzing afterwards, genuinely best date I've had for a few years with one of the prettiest girls I've met online.
Well anyway, sent her a text a couple hours after just to see if she got home ok, which she replied to a little later as she'd met with friends after our afternoon date. I replied, couple of little in-jokes from the afternoon, said I'd really enjoyed it and I'd call to see her again if she was game. However, I got the dreaded "lovely guy but.." reply, she said she hadn't felt that spark, although she was gushing with compliments about how much she'd enjoyed it too. However, I had put in my OKC profile at the end that I wasn't looking for friendship, which she referred to and was it best to leave it completely, even though she'd love to stay in touch. I replied saying it was a real shame, as I'd felt quite differently and that I'd had the best company with her for ages and how attractive I found her but said I'd love to just be friends, but have found it to be a mistake in the past so probably best to leave it there.
I admit I have read and understand the psychology of some of these dating coaches, and I'm fully aware I naturally fall into nice guy patterns. Flirting doesn't come naturally to me in person, although I'm actually really good when writing eg. FB Chat, text etc. I know I should have left it there, but I tend to over-think things so probably mistakenly the next day I sent her another message just saying that saying to leave it was a bit of a gut reaction to the "nice guy but..." text, I'd had second thoughts and I thought we'd got on too well to not stay in touch. She reacted very positively to that. Since then we've exchanged a couple more messages, I added her to FB and she's since revealed a couple of quite personal things again.
I know I've probably done a couple of things to compound the friendzone problem since. It's massively frustrating to hear such compliments and keenness for friendship, but be written off romantically after one date!
Unsure what to do now - I've been here before and got hurt by how difficult I find it balancing wanting to be friends and attraction and wanting more. In the past, I've had a couple of instances where I've just cut off completely. Interestingly both times, 3-6 months later both girls got back in touch with me, one progressed beyond friends, the other didn't again. Ironically the times I've had girls keen for me are when I don't like them much. There's a classic dynamic in dating it seems to me, but one which isn't natural to me when I like someone and hard to balance in with being genuine and confident, but being a little calculating as well.
So PH. Does keeping my latest friendzoner at arm's length but still staying positive and maybe agreeing to meet again if she suggests it (but only if she suggests it) sound right? If we do, should I up the flirtiness? Or is her straight-up no spark comment after one otherwise great date a major sticking point? Meanwhile I'm still on OKC and sending out messages quite regularly with some good replies here and there, so in no way depressed and pining, just a bit frustrated!
Ok, my 2ps worth on her and the situation.I met up with a girl last weekend after having sent 3 or 4 messages on OKC. After a couple of messages about music and travel I asked her out for a drink, she sent me her number and we met up that weekend. Had a really great afternoon, I showed her round my favourite little corner in London, long walk round the park and then couple hours drinks and chatting in a cosy pub. Conversation flowed throughout, she's really cute and I felt really relaxed and confident around her. She brought up some quite personal things which I'm sure wouldn't normally be raised on a first date if there wasn't a good deal of immediate trust. I was buzzing afterwards, genuinely best date I've had for a few years with one of the prettiest girls I've met online.
Well anyway, sent her a text a couple hours after just to see if she got home ok, which she replied to a little later as she'd met with friends after our afternoon date. I replied, couple of little in-jokes from the afternoon, said I'd really enjoyed it and I'd call to see her again if she was game. However, I got the dreaded "lovely guy but.." reply, she said she hadn't felt that spark, although she was gushing with compliments about how much she'd enjoyed it too. However, I had put in my OKC profile at the end that I wasn't looking for friendship, which she referred to and was it best to leave it completely, even though she'd love to stay in touch. I replied saying it was a real shame, as I'd felt quite differently and that I'd had the best company with her for ages and how attractive I found her but said I'd love to just be friends, but have found it to be a mistake in the past so probably best to leave it there.
I admit I have read and understand the psychology of some of these dating coaches, and I'm fully aware I naturally fall into nice guy patterns. Flirting doesn't come naturally to me in person, although I'm actually really good when writing eg. FB Chat, text etc. I know I should have left it there, but I tend to over-think things so probably mistakenly the next day I sent her another message just saying that saying to leave it was a bit of a gut reaction to the "nice guy but..." text, I'd had second thoughts and I thought we'd got on too well to not stay in touch. She reacted very positively to that. Since then we've exchanged a couple more messages, I added her to FB and she's since revealed a couple of quite personal things again.
I know I've probably done a couple of things to compound the friendzone problem since. It's massively frustrating to hear such compliments and keenness for friendship, but be written off romantically after one date!
Unsure what to do now - I've been here before and got hurt by how difficult I find it balancing wanting to be friends and attraction and wanting more. In the past, I've had a couple of instances where I've just cut off completely. Interestingly both times, 3-6 months later both girls got back in touch with me, one progressed beyond friends, the other didn't again. Ironically the times I've had girls keen for me are when I don't like them much. There's a classic dynamic in dating it seems to me, but one which isn't natural to me when I like someone and hard to balance in with being genuine and confident, but being a little calculating as well.
So PH. Does keeping my latest friendzoner at arm's length but still staying positive and maybe agreeing to meet again if she suggests it (but only if she suggests it) sound right? If we do, should I up the flirtiness? Or is her straight-up no spark comment after one otherwise great date a major sticking point? Meanwhile I'm still on OKC and sending out messages quite regularly with some good replies here and there, so in no way depressed and pining, just a bit frustrated!
First off, first dates are not done in the afternoon IMO. You're already kicking off with a friend vibe. Her making plans after your date? She knew it was going nowhere before she even turned up. The sharing very personal stuff on a first date would have me running for the hills, that's a flag on the play to me.
She said there was no spark, pretty clear cut. The whole 'be friends' thing after one date from meeting online is a bit odd to me, but that's personal opinion. For me, I'm on online dating to date, not make new chums. Sure, some might be pretty sound but really, my life is pretty busy as it is and I don't see the good friends I have enough as it is, making new BFFs online isn't something I'd do. I think it's the same for a lot of people.
The 'be friends' when you clearly stated in your profile you weren't looking is her keeping a nice guy in her back pocket for later. Texting her the next day to change your mind was a mistake but done now.
No sense burning the bridge though, but please don't text her again. Reply if she texts you sure but stick to your not looking for friends thing. If the personal stuff she shared had anything to do with a past relationship, duck that.
Can't win them all, at least it wasn't a terrible date. Next!
escargot said:
Mobile Chicane said:
I maintain that internet dating can 'work', but only if you have:
a. The skin of a rhinoceros, or
b. Low standards which are easily met.
c. A huge great stroke of luck.a. The skin of a rhinoceros, or
b. Low standards which are easily met.
I've been very selective over who I have swiped right to with limited ages and distances so not just a free for all. I've had 50+ matches and the follow up with a few has been encouraging.
The only thing that possibly weighs in my favour to others on this thread is I do live in the centre of a city so active users on these sites are plentiful. I think living rurally it might be a lot harder but that's a limiting factor whether it be on a night out or online.
Whilst I do read a lot of good advice on here, I think to paint a scene of misery about online is a bit misleading. I'd never tried it before 3 or so weeks ago and if I'd believed all I read on here I probably wouldn't have bothered.
Persistence can pay out, you just need to make sure she is aware you want something more. Spend more time together, organize an activity where you will both end up st faced and see what happens.
As other have said, afternoon dates are a terrible idea. Meet up in a pub around 8, bounce to a nice cocktail bar then a cool bar - don't stay in one place and keep the evening interesting and the drinks flowing.
If you are having issues on the whole 'nice guy' thing, then try Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. Literally one of the most important books and female / male attraction and sexual dynamics.
Do not get het up by one girl, if you managed to get a date with a nice hot girl then there will be more. Keep at it. It's a numbers game.
t faced and see what happens. As other have said, afternoon dates are a terrible idea. Meet up in a pub around 8, bounce to a nice cocktail bar then a cool bar - don't stay in one place and keep the evening interesting and the drinks flowing.
If you are having issues on the whole 'nice guy' thing, then try Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. Literally one of the most important books and female / male attraction and sexual dynamics.
Do not get het up by one girl, if you managed to get a date with a nice hot girl then there will be more. Keep at it. It's a numbers game.
CountZero23 said:
Persistence can pay out, you just need to make sure she is aware you want something more. Spend more time together, organize an activity where you will both end up st faced and see what happens.
If he just wants to ft faced and see what happens. k her then maybe thats a good idea. It sounds like at best its going to end up with something happening that she regrets tomorrow though 
Cheers fellas, you've confirmed my thinking on this one. We're FB friends now, but not going to make further contact unless she instigates it, even then I'm not dropping everything to hang out.
I've been online dating on and off for a while, and had plenty of similar rejetions just never quite with someone so cute! Have to admit I don't have the thickest of skin though even after several past experiences... but hey already exchanged a few messages with another promising girl. Promise no wussy afternoon dates this time!
I've been online dating on and off for a while, and had plenty of similar rejetions just never quite with someone so cute! Have to admit I don't have the thickest of skin though even after several past experiences... but hey already exchanged a few messages with another promising girl. Promise no wussy afternoon dates this time!
vrsmxtb said:
Blown2CV said:
don't be facebook friends.
Be a bit odd to just delete a few days later though. I'll just unfollow and again not interact unless she does.k buddy you could turn her into a wing girl. Much easier to pull when you're out with some fitty - oh, and she'll have hot mates too.Just for gods sake don't go for coffee
Shnozz said:
Well perhaps I have been very fortunate, because this is not my experience whatsoever. I haven't even bothered with any jottings to my profile on tinder and happn so no B/S attempts at dick swinging or wittiness. I've no shirtless pics, no black tie peacocking, just a few snaps from my FB profile.
I've been very selective over who I have swiped right to with limited ages and distances so not just a free for all. I've had 50+ matches and the follow up with a few has been encouraging.
The only thing that possibly weighs in my favour to others on this thread is I do live in the centre of a city so active users on these sites are plentiful. I think living rurally it might be a lot harder but that's a limiting factor whether it be on a night out or online.
Whilst I do read a lot of good advice on here, I think to paint a scene of misery about online is a bit misleading. I'd never tried it before 3 or so weeks ago and if I'd believed all I read on here I probably wouldn't have bothered.
So, being tall, dark and handsome with great wit and a good job had nothing to do with it, eh? I've been very selective over who I have swiped right to with limited ages and distances so not just a free for all. I've had 50+ matches and the follow up with a few has been encouraging.
The only thing that possibly weighs in my favour to others on this thread is I do live in the centre of a city so active users on these sites are plentiful. I think living rurally it might be a lot harder but that's a limiting factor whether it be on a night out or online.
Whilst I do read a lot of good advice on here, I think to paint a scene of misery about online is a bit misleading. I'd never tried it before 3 or so weeks ago and if I'd believed all I read on here I probably wouldn't have bothered.
Blown2CV said:
don't be facebook friends.
Agree with this, just unfriend her. Don't waste any more time on girls that have friend zoned you. Infact, use this experience to work out why she friend zoned you so you don't make the mistake again.She decided in the first 5 seconds of meeting you whether she was going to sleep with you. You have been added to the long list of beta orbiters/white knights who she can use whenever she is bored or her car breaks down/computer stops working etc.
Never, ever do favours for girls who have friend zoned you, and for gods sake don't become an emotional tampon while she moans on about what a douche her boyfriend is. Being a white knight will never make her realise just what a great guy you are and how you would make a brilliant boyfriend.
CountZero23 said:
Persistence can pay out, you just need to make sure she is aware you want something more. Spend more time together, organize an activity where you will both end up st faced and see what happens.
As other have said, afternoon dates are a terrible idea. Meet up in a pub around 8, bounce to a nice cocktail bar then a cool bar - don't stay in one place and keep the evening interesting and the drinks flowing.
If you are having issues on the whole 'nice guy' thing, then try Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. Literally one of the most important books and female / male attraction and sexual dynamics.
Do not get het up by one girl, if you managed to get a date with a nice hot girl then there will be more. Keep at it. It's a numbers game.
Do you believe this rubbish? And do you really need to get a women drunk to impress her?t faced and see what happens. As other have said, afternoon dates are a terrible idea. Meet up in a pub around 8, bounce to a nice cocktail bar then a cool bar - don't stay in one place and keep the evening interesting and the drinks flowing.
If you are having issues on the whole 'nice guy' thing, then try Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. Literally one of the most important books and female / male attraction and sexual dynamics.
Do not get het up by one girl, if you managed to get a date with a nice hot girl then there will be more. Keep at it. It's a numbers game.
Afternoon dates are fine. It's blokes who are on a date with a women who doesn't find them attractive which are the problem... And what sort of sad act has to read a book on how to chat up a women??? Sexual dynamics... I'm not sure if you are being serious or if you are just winding the poor bloke up.
Getting het up about one women is perfectly normal... In fact it works well.
I know this - because I've done it myself on many many occasions. Stop reading books on how to behave with women - it's weird and sad, and very very cringe worthy.
Joey Deacon said:
Blown2CV said:
don't be facebook friends.
Agree with this, just unfriend her. Don't waste any more time on girls that have friend zoned you. Infact, use this experience to work out why she friend zoned you so you don't make the mistake again.She decided in the first 5 seconds of meeting you whether she was going to sleep with you. You have been added to the long list of beta orbiters/white knights who she can use whenever she is bored or her car breaks down/computer stops working etc.
Never, ever do favours for girls who have friend zoned you, and for gods sake don't become an emotional tampon while she moans on about what a douche her boyfriend is. Being a white knight will never make her realise just what a great guy you are and how you would make a brilliant boyfriend.
So at the weekend I had a second date with the only person I've actually made an effort with on Tinder, despite being advised that a two week gap between dates was not wise and nor was constant texting.
Met at half 7, intention to go for a few drinks then a bite to eat. Come half 11 when the bar closed we realised the food boat had probably sailed, so decided to go to a club for another 4-5 hours which involved copious amounts of vodka and tequila. I dropped her off at the following day (and I'll point out it wasn't a day of none stop shagging, but actually felt more intimate?), so all in all I'm counting that as a raging success.
Issue now being my skin is definitely not rhinoceros thickness, and I'm finding myself less than pleased she's still going on tinder.
Met at half 7, intention to go for a few drinks then a bite to eat. Come half 11 when the bar closed we realised the food boat had probably sailed, so decided to go to a club for another 4-5 hours which involved copious amounts of vodka and tequila. I dropped her off at the following day (and I'll point out it wasn't a day of none stop shagging, but actually felt more intimate?), so all in all I'm counting that as a raging success.
Issue now being my skin is definitely not rhinoceros thickness, and I'm finding myself less than pleased she's still going on tinder.
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