Match.com (Volume 6)

Match.com (Volume 6)

TOPIC CLOSED
TOPIC CLOSED
Author
Discussion

RobinBanks

17,540 posts

178 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
I've found that I've got bugger all social life recently apart from seeing the same group of friends at the pub.
I wonder if I should try joining one of those social groups. I've got quite a few Tinder matches I think I could quite easily meet but I don't really fancy it.

stroberaver

196 posts

167 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
CountZero23 said:
At the very least it will help get you over her and stop you from overinvesting in a girl who you've not even held hands with.
Well she's not the touchy-feely romantic type. To be fair, I'm not really either which is why things felt comfortable and relaxed between us and we got on well, neither of us like pressure and expectations in those kind of situations and there was none between us.

WinstonWolf said:
Tap tap, is this thing working scratchchin

Text her that, it's an open and friendly question but requires a direct answer.
I will do, thanks - but tonight when she shouldn't have any excuse to ignore it or not receive it, and to allow more time to elapse between her last messaging me this morning.

CountZero23 said:
Feel in stroberaver's case it would be taken all too seriously.
Probably, I don't think it would be well received in this situation.

CountZero23 said:
6-7 'dates' and you've not pulled the trigger?! Nice bottle or two of wine, good movie, snuggle up on the sofa - how can anything not happen!?
I'd say we both tend to be shy and wanted to take things carefully.

Shnozz said:
I had a promising tinder match that amounted to nothing as she realised she didn't have the time to engage in anything more serious. Work commitments, family etc etc. Disappointing but then everyone has their own agenda on there and its one of the more vapid "dating" sites so its not like its a soul mates sign up. Each to their own.
Absolutely, and it's exactly how I feel about everyone else I've interacted with on there. First dates that didn't go anywhere? Not bothered, at least I got an evening out to meet someone new and different. It's just that this feels different - already knew her (but didn't know she was single until she popped up on Tinder), shared interests, lots of stuff in common, highly intelligent, great job, gorgeous accent. Just the kind of girl I needed.

ChunkyloverSV said:
As you said she keeps fit and goes to the gym. Any decent looking girl is fighting guys off with a sty stick. She could have definitely met someone in the gym.
It's a possibility, but it seems unlikely - from what I know, she genuinely is shy especially in a gym environment and I know she's relied upon internet dating in the past to meet people, despite having quite a sporty background. (And yes, I've found her profile on other dating sites and they're many months old and inactive, so she's not dating online at the moment).
ChunkyloverSV said:
My advice is to do what Mr Wolf suggests and see what happens. But if she agrees to meet you, you need to man up and make a move.
Absolutely. I'll not be making the same mistake twice with her.

WinstonWolf

72,857 posts

238 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
stroberaver said:
WinstonWolf said:
Tap tap, is this thing working scratchchin

Text her that, it's an open and friendly question but requires a direct answer.
I will do, thanks - but tonight when she shouldn't have any excuse to ignore it or not receive it, and to allow more time to elapse between her last messaging me this morning.
Good man, send it then STFU till she replies thumbup

Shnozz

27,422 posts

270 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
stroberaver said:
Shnozz said:
I had a promising tinder match that amounted to nothing as she realised she didn't have the time to engage in anything more serious. Work commitments, family etc etc. Disappointing but then everyone has their own agenda on there and its one of the more vapid "dating" sites so its not like its a soul mates sign up. Each to their own.
Absolutely, and it's exactly how I feel about everyone else I've interacted with on there. First dates that didn't go anywhere? Not bothered, at least I got an evening out to meet someone new and different. It's just that this feels different - already knew her (but didn't know she was single until she popped up on Tinder), shared interests, lots of stuff in common, highly intelligent, great job, gorgeous accent. Just the kind of girl I needed.
....is exactly as I felt. A match made in heaven. And it wasn't just me that said as much, her words were "you were made for me". Things were all looking rosey and set up, until she did a 180 in a momentary panic and decided she was in emotional turmoil and did a 180 about turn.

The fact is though, if the timing is wrong, or the situation is wrong, or whatever it is that's making her say she isn't sure she wants a relationship, you're fighting her instincts and it won't end well. That is a fact.

So you can try to convince her otherwise, which is never a wise foundation IMO, or you can chalk it down to experience and move along. By your mutual interest it sounds as though your paths will continue to cross so let fate play its part. I can say with a degree of certainty if you force the issue it will not end well. If you crack on and live your life you might just find she respects you more and might well be drawn more to you than if you sit there like a puppy dog hoping she might just change her mind.

stroberaver

196 posts

167 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
Shnozz said:
By your mutual interest it sounds as though your paths will continue to cross so let fate play its part. I can say with a degree of certainty if you force the issue it will not end well. If you crack on and live your life you might just find she respects you more and might well be drawn more to you than if you sit there like a puppy dog hoping she might just change her mind.
Yeah I think you're definitely on the right wavelength to this situation. I think she's begun to get the impression that I'm hanging around available for her (err, because to be honest I am!) but I suspect she's starting to think I've nothing better to do and nothing going on in my life but wanting her. Which ISN'T true (I'm plenty busy with work, get to the gym regularly, catch up with a mate or two whenever I can etc) - but it is accurate to say that I still have more free time that her, and I've more readily made time available for her than obviously what *she* expected or considered normal.

Unfortunately it goes against every instinct I have to try and attract someone by having less to do with them. Some people are dead smooth with it, but it just doesn't come naturally to me.

AyBee

10,522 posts

201 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
Shnozz said:
Tinder has been going off the chart in sunny Toronto at the minute. 58 matches and several "dates" later and the English accent is a raging success.
woohoo I'm heading there on Sunday...



...with my girlfriend frown

NRS

22,079 posts

200 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
CountZero23 said:
+1

The necromancer line I always use when things have been quiet for a bit between me and a girl is "It feels like we're drifting apart". Obviously works well when you're clearly not invested and they take it as a joke.

Feel in stroberaver's case it would be taken all too seriously.

6-7 'dates' and you've not pulled the trigger?! Nice bottle or two of wine, good movie, snuggle up on the sofa - how can anything not happen!?

I'm aghast.

I wonder if this is one of those times one party thinks it's a date, the other thinks they are just meeting as friends?

Super Slo Mo

5,368 posts

197 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
Shnozz said:
Tinder has been going off the chart in sunny Toronto at the minute. 58 matches and several "dates" later and the English accent is a raging success
I'm only up the road from you, well, in Canadian terms anyway, until the end of the month anyway. English accent isn't doing me any favours but then I'm ugly so that doesn't help.
Neither does not drinking and thus not frequenting any bars.
Mind you, I'm not looking for anything either but generally you get a feel for things if you get my drift smile


Shnozz

27,422 posts

270 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
AyBee said:
Shnozz said:
Tinder has been going off the chart in sunny Toronto at the minute. 58 matches and several "dates" later and the English accent is a raging success.
woohoo I'm heading there on Sunday...



...with my girlfriend frown
Shame you've missed a few good festivals in the last 3 weeks and also the Honda Indy street race last Sunday. But in good news, the weather has improved vastly and its now 28 degrees outside. Just been for a run and come home sweating like Joseph Fritzl on Cribs. Enjoy - it's an awesome city. I'm only having to head home for a wedding the weekend after next or else I'd be minded to stay the summer.

Shnozz

27,422 posts

270 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
Super Slo Mo said:
Shnozz said:
Tinder has been going off the chart in sunny Toronto at the minute. 58 matches and several "dates" later and the English accent is a raging success
I'm only up the road from you, well, in Canadian terms anyway, until the end of the month anyway. English accent isn't doing me any favours but then I'm ugly so that doesn't help.
Neither does not drinking and thus not frequenting any bars.
Mind you, I'm not looking for anything either but generally you get a feel for things if you get my drift smile
I'm staggered. Even getting a coffee or lunch I get the whole "your accent is so cute" lines. However, I do tend to spend most of my life in bars which increase the exposure to the right demographic considerably. I had a date getting stroppy last week because of the attention.

I do often wonder how easy it must be in any country to meet women in the real world if you don't spend time in bars. Over the years I would think it's accounted for 80%+ of the women I have met.

Super Slo Mo

5,368 posts

197 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
Shnozz said:
I'm staggered. Even getting a coffee or lunch I get the whole "your accent is so cute" lines. However, I do tend to spend most of my life in bars which increase the exposure to the right demographic considerably. I had a date getting stroppy last week because of the attention.

I do often wonder how easy it must be in any country to meet women in the real world if you don't spend time in bars. Over the years I would think it's accounted for 80%+ of the women I have met.
I suspect your personality has a huge amount to do with it too.
Do you have a proper southern UK accent? I'm a northern monkey, although I doubt it's my accent that's the problem here wink

andy-xr

13,204 posts

203 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
Super Slo Mo said:
I suspect your personality has a huge amount to do with it too.
Do you have a proper southern UK accent? I'm a northern monkey, although I doubt it's my accent that's the problem here wink
I'm northern too.

On the East Coast, anywhere from NYC to Pittsburgh I'm Irish, on the West Coast I'm Australian according to the locals. The best one I had was 'you're British? What language do they speak there?'

Super Slo Mo

5,368 posts

197 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
andy-xr said:
I'm northern too.

On the East Coast, anywhere from NYC to Pittsburgh I'm Irish, on the West Coast I'm Australian according to the locals. The best one I had was 'you're British? What language do they speak there?'
i need to make an effort to be friendly and personable I guess.
I had someone (colleague) get a spookily close guess to my home town last week (he guessed Manchester) but his mother was from Guildford so he had a better take on accents than most. It seems quite a few of the Canadians I'm working with are only 1st or second generation immigrants so seem fairly clued up about the UK.


Shnozz

27,422 posts

270 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
You make a very good point to be fair.

The chap I am staying with here is Northern and his accent either gets overlooked entirely, or folk actually struggle to understand him. It's rare that it's complemented.

Perhaps its only southern tones that are recognised as being English. Back in Yorkshire where I relocated from Hampshire the natives just think I'm a Southern nonce and talk like Chas n Dave.

Blown2CV

28,697 posts

202 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
stroberaver said:
Guys (and perhaps girls), I need some help - I've fked up pretty badly with someone I really like. I think I've blindly walked into the friendzone and I need to get out asap - if that's even possible.

I don't usually talk about personal stuff on forums but I'm worried about it this time, and I'm crap at dating stuff anyway.

Having been single for some time, I joined Tinder at the start of the year. Had a few decent matches and went on a couple of dates that led to nothing - and then I matched with someone I already knew of at the photographic society I go to. We got chatting, swapped numbers, and next time we saw each other at the club we stayed on chatting and got on great. She was visibly pleased and excited that I liked her, all the typical signs and body language. She immediately got me to come along on a group photography outing she was a bit nervous about (she's the shy type, but adorably sweet with it, I'm pretty shy and quiet with girls too so it suited me fine); we had a couple of trips out like that and we'd always spend time together afterwards over a meal etc. There was masses of texting and messaging between us, but it was interspersed with actual real contact - a couple of trips to the cinema, meals out, etc. - so it didn't feel as though anything was wrong.

She did admit at one point that she was so busy with work and stuff that she didn't know whether she wanted a relationship at the moment, and she didn't want to make things awkward at the club, but she was happy to take it slow and see what happened. That sounded bad to me, but it was pretty early on and we continued to have plenty flirty contact and spend some time with her. We're both pretty busy, her more than me with working some crazy long hours and having to do plenty work-related academic study in her own time, but we saw each other occasionally and texted loads, and we both gradually stopped looking at Tinder. Things reached their peak in May when we had a couple of great days out, realised I had a real emotional fondness for her, and we went out for my birthday (which she remembered, even though I'd only mentioned the date once).

And then something changed. While I was away for a weekend (with family), she just went silent for several days after I paid her a compliment. Not wanting to bombard her and send more messages than I received, I went quiet too and ever since then she seems to have been more distant, and suddenly so busy that there's no chance of seeing her. And I haven't seen her for a month now. I don't think she's met someone else as she's been open with everything she has planned and has on (lots of work, studying, and all her free time recently is already taken with planned activities with her girlfriends). There's been bursts of messaging which have sometimes given me hope and sometimes also hinted that she thinks we're just friends, although I haven't yet had the specific and dreaded "I only think of you as a friend" speech. But any time I pay her a compliment, or say anything flirty or cheeky, it now just gets ignored, as if I'd never said it.

It suddenly began to dawn on me what I'd done, and if you go and google "avoid friend zone texting" I've unwittingly done pretty much everything I shouldn't have. I could give a bloody masterclass in what not to do, based on this. I've been her pen pal, been too slow to clearly give her signs that I expected to progress things, been too passive, and now I've become a friend rather than potential romantic partner.

I need to find a way out (or at least try my damned hardest) cos I really like her. Of the women I've chatted to and gone on dates with through Tinder, none have made me feel the same way as her, as relaxed and happy and with so much in common. Any ideas?

I know I need to cut the texting chats and just focus on getting her to meet up with me again. She has a work-related study deadline on Monday that she's going to be preoccupied with as well as having to work crazy long hours all weekend, and there's also a fair on in town next week which makes a great photographic evening out, so I guess I just need to ignore whatever she messages me about, and ask her if she'll go with me one evening next week.

And when she says she hasn't got time, then what? I don't feel prepared to give up on her, I like her too much to do that. frown

Edited by stroberaver on Wednesday 17th June 13:00
it's probably all been said, but have you considered at any point that it's not anything you've done that's created this, or anything you can do that can 'fix' it... and that maybe she just doesn't want to be your girlfriend, or have a relationship? Maybe she's a bit socially awkward (sounds you both are tbh), or maybe she liked you at first and has realised that there is no 'spark', but either way this is where you are now. Sounds like she's been giving you some quite clear relationship-negative signals from pretty early on. Whether she's met someone else or not is kind of irrelevant, she clearly doesn't want a relationship. If the boat was ever there at all, it's long gone now.

WinstonWolf

72,857 posts

238 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
Blown2CV said:
stroberaver said:
Guys (and perhaps girls), I need some help - I've fked up pretty badly with someone I really like. I think I've blindly walked into the friendzone and I need to get out asap - if that's even possible.

I don't usually talk about personal stuff on forums but I'm worried about it this time, and I'm crap at dating stuff anyway.

Having been single for some time, I joined Tinder at the start of the year. Had a few decent matches and went on a couple of dates that led to nothing - and then I matched with someone I already knew of at the photographic society I go to. We got chatting, swapped numbers, and next time we saw each other at the club we stayed on chatting and got on great. She was visibly pleased and excited that I liked her, all the typical signs and body language. She immediately got me to come along on a group photography outing she was a bit nervous about (she's the shy type, but adorably sweet with it, I'm pretty shy and quiet with girls too so it suited me fine); we had a couple of trips out like that and we'd always spend time together afterwards over a meal etc. There was masses of texting and messaging between us, but it was interspersed with actual real contact - a couple of trips to the cinema, meals out, etc. - so it didn't feel as though anything was wrong.

She did admit at one point that she was so busy with work and stuff that she didn't know whether she wanted a relationship at the moment, and she didn't want to make things awkward at the club, but she was happy to take it slow and see what happened. That sounded bad to me, but it was pretty early on and we continued to have plenty flirty contact and spend some time with her. We're both pretty busy, her more than me with working some crazy long hours and having to do plenty work-related academic study in her own time, but we saw each other occasionally and texted loads, and we both gradually stopped looking at Tinder. Things reached their peak in May when we had a couple of great days out, realised I had a real emotional fondness for her, and we went out for my birthday (which she remembered, even though I'd only mentioned the date once).

And then something changed. While I was away for a weekend (with family), she just went silent for several days after I paid her a compliment. Not wanting to bombard her and send more messages than I received, I went quiet too and ever since then she seems to have been more distant, and suddenly so busy that there's no chance of seeing her. And I haven't seen her for a month now. I don't think she's met someone else as she's been open with everything she has planned and has on (lots of work, studying, and all her free time recently is already taken with planned activities with her girlfriends). There's been bursts of messaging which have sometimes given me hope and sometimes also hinted that she thinks we're just friends, although I haven't yet had the specific and dreaded "I only think of you as a friend" speech. But any time I pay her a compliment, or say anything flirty or cheeky, it now just gets ignored, as if I'd never said it.

It suddenly began to dawn on me what I'd done, and if you go and google "avoid friend zone texting" I've unwittingly done pretty much everything I shouldn't have. I could give a bloody masterclass in what not to do, based on this. I've been her pen pal, been too slow to clearly give her signs that I expected to progress things, been too passive, and now I've become a friend rather than potential romantic partner.

I need to find a way out (or at least try my damned hardest) cos I really like her. Of the women I've chatted to and gone on dates with through Tinder, none have made me feel the same way as her, as relaxed and happy and with so much in common. Any ideas?

I know I need to cut the texting chats and just focus on getting her to meet up with me again. She has a work-related study deadline on Monday that she's going to be preoccupied with as well as having to work crazy long hours all weekend, and there's also a fair on in town next week which makes a great photographic evening out, so I guess I just need to ignore whatever she messages me about, and ask her if she'll go with me one evening next week.

And when she says she hasn't got time, then what? I don't feel prepared to give up on her, I like her too much to do that. frown

Edited by stroberaver on Wednesday 17th June 13:00
it's probably all been said, but have you considered at any point that it's not anything you've done that's created this, or anything you can do that can 'fix' it... and that maybe she just doesn't want to be your girlfriend, or have a relationship? Maybe she's a bit socially awkward (sounds you both are tbh), or maybe she liked you at first and has realised that there is no 'spark', but either way this is where you are now. Sounds like she's been giving you some quite clear relationship-negative signals from pretty early on. Whether she's met someone else or not is kind of irrelevant, she clearly doesn't want a relationship. If the boat was ever there at all, it's long gone now.
Ignore this completely and just send the blooming text. You'll never leave the thread if you give up too easily.

Faint heart never won fair lady smile

stroberaver

196 posts

167 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
WinstonWolf said:
Ignore this completely and just send the blooming text.
I just have.

Dr Murdoch

3,427 posts

134 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
stroberaver said:
I just have.
Keep us updated thumbup

stroberaver

196 posts

167 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
Well the response only took 5 mins. The verdict? "Not sure", cos of this academic work deadline next week, the hours she's working during the week, being away at the weekend (news to me, didn't know about that one - I really want to ask about it), and wants to know when the photographic club is next on or not.

I'm gonna leave it for an hour before replying, and go wash the car. I don't know what to say anyway.

WinstonWolf

72,857 posts

238 months

Wednesday 17th June 2015
quotequote all
stroberaver said:
Well the response only took 5 mins. The verdict? "Not sure", cos of this academic work deadline next week, the hours she's working during the week, being away at the weekend (news to me, didn't know about that one - I really want to ask about it), and wants to know when the photographic club is next on or not.

I'm gonna leave it for an hour before replying, and go wash the car. I don't know what to say anyway.
"It's on x, fancy going?" (With a smiley, natch)

It's an assumptive close, if she makes excuses it's time to move on but there's no point in talking yourself out of the race before it's over smile

TOPIC CLOSED
TOPIC CLOSED