Match.com (Volume 6)

[Shnozz]

leglessAlex said:

stroberaver said:

She was up super early this morning to fit in a gym session, and pretty sure she's gone to bed by now, without replying (but has been online on facebook messenger since I sent it).

Sounds like she's not interested dude. I would always reply to someone I liked if I had seen the message, and even if I was about to go to bed I'd say that and tell them I'd text them the next day. Seems like a pretty clear signal to me, but then I could be over analyzing it. It is just one message.

Exactly.

You can make all the excuses in the world to keep pursuing her. She was up early. She has studies. She has blah blah blah.

Reverse it. If it were you, in the same boat, would you have found time to reply?

If it's unequal then it's unrequited - simple. And by keep chasing, especially on the back of f all in the past, is just chasing an idea. Sorry if that isn't what you wish to hear, I'd prefer to offer something akin to a fairytale, but from what you have written, it's simply not the case.

[CountZero23]

Shnozz said:

leglessAlex said:

stroberaver said:

She was up super early this morning to fit in a gym session, and pretty sure she's gone to bed by now, without replying (but has been online on facebook messenger since I sent it).

Sounds like she's not interested dude. I would always reply to someone I liked if I had seen the message, and even if I was about to go to bed I'd say that and tell them I'd text them the next day. Seems like a pretty clear signal to me, but then I could be over analyzing it. It is just one message.

Exactly.

You can make all the excuses in the world to keep pursuing her. She was up early. She has studies. She has blah blah blah.

Reverse it. If it were you, in the same boat, would you have found time to reply?

If it's unequal then it's unrequited - simple. And by keep chasing, especially on the back of f all in the past, is just chasing an idea. Sorry if that isn't what you wish to hear, I'd prefer to offer something akin to a fairytale, but from what you have written, it's simply not the case.

Persistence can work to a point. At least he'll get an answer and move on.

[anonymous-user]

stroberaver said:

She was up super early this morning to fit in a gym session, and pretty sure she's gone to bed by now, without replying (but has been online on facebook messenger since I sent it).

As everyone has already said, she is not interested and is more than likely seeing somebody else now. You being all needy and a borderline stalker is not going to change this.

My first bit of advice would be to not put women on a pedestal and do not be all needy. For a woman, there is nothing that is going to get you frendzoned quicker than being needy. You need to give the impression that you have options and are not bothered either way. Having other options just gives you a confidence and don't give a f*** attitude which women love.

Unfortunately it is not really something you can fake, the only way to get there is to date and sleep with as many women as you can. Once you have a few friends with benefits on the go you will easily be able to get others as your confidence and options will come across. Being a needy guy with no options is not attractive in any way to women.

Can I suggest you watch some of the following youtube videos?

https://www.youtube.com/user/redonkulaspopp

[stroberaver]

I can't sleep. No surprises as to why, of course.

PAUL500 said:

The one thing you need to appreciate with net dating is that it is not a cross section of the singles out there, it is a concentration mainly of a certain type.

What type do you think it is?

PAUL500 said:

Don't take the whole process personally, your scenario happens all the time, you will probably never know the rhyme or reason for her change in attitude but you are ancient history to her already, but she just will not tell you that, the easy option is for her to remain silent or illusive.

That's something I'm not very good at - not taking it personally. Not when we've chatted so much and learnt a lot about each other, and things feel positive and then... suddenly there's a change. It's the not knowing the reason why that hurts too.

PAUL500 said:

The whole "too busy with work, life" etcetera is just a cop out from telling you the truth

Yeah, I know. Her work schedule and contracted hours hasn't changed (that I know of) since we started, yet back then she could spare an evening to go to the cinema or a day to go out with the photography group. And now... just nothing.

CountZero23 said:

Got talking to my POF date tonight about Tinder, got her to show me the messages. To be fair they were all dire apart from one which made it to almost below bad. Most copy and pasted, one giving a brief family tree and ethnic origin.

She then started swiping right, every guy was a match.

Still, she perceptively said allot of guys just swipe right and see who comes up. Girls basically just sit around waiting for a message off a guy they find alright looking to send them a message that isn't shamefully tragic.

The Tinder thing is interesting. I'd heard before about guys just swiping right constantly, and girls getting a match just about every time they swipe right. Maybe I'm doing it wrong because I swipe left waaaay more than I swipe right.

Shnozz said:

Exactly.

You can make all the excuses in the world to keep pursuing her. She was up early. She has studies. She has blah blah blah.

Reverse it. If it were you, in the same boat, would you have found time to reply?

I know mate, it wasn't an excuse, it was an admission that she'd presumably gone to bed and chosen not to reply. I keep trying to cling to some hope that there's a reason for it. That she's genuinely stressed with the work on at the minute and wants to sleep on it before deciding how to reply. Or that she's going to have a chinwag with her friend that she's seeing tomorrow for advice on what she should say.

But of course it's all bks because, as you say, if the position was reversed, or the response was positive then of course you'd find the time to fire off a quick reply. She could've even just sent a smiley face, and a "soon", or "let me get through the next couple of weeks first". But... nothing. fksticks. At least tomorrow will confirm it - if I ever get any sleep.

(EDIT) I'll try going to sleep again now, since it's gone 3am. Thanks for the help and advice guys, I owe you a virtual pint even if I am gutted.

Edited by stroberaver on Thursday 18th June 09:32

[anonymous-user]

stroberaver said:

The Tinder thing is interesting though. I'd heard before about guys just swiping right constantly, and girls getting a match just about every time they swipe right. Maybe I'm doing it wrong because I swipe left waaaay more than I swipe right.

By the way, I am not up at 3:57am because I cannot sleep, I am in Australia and it is 12:57 in the afternoon!

I think you are taking the whole thing too seriously and looking for a relationship when you should be looking at just meeting people, having fun and seeing what happens. It is not something you can force, and trying to force it by being all needy and putting women on a pedestal is just going to scare them off.

My advice, swipe right to everyone and then decide who you want to message if you get a match. Go on dates and treat it as an evening out and a bit of fun, rather than I am expecting to meet my soul mate tonight. Sleep with a few women and don't read too much into it, just treat it as experience.

Relationships tend to start off as sexual first and then develop into something more once you can be with the person without being drunk and there being no akward silences.

And please do not fall in love with the first person who you start having regular sex with and marry her as I guarantee you will be divorced and poor 7 years later.

If you were seeing that girl for all that time and didn't sleep with you then she didn't fancy you and friend zoned you pretty quickly.

stroberaver said:

That's something I'm not very good at - not taking it personally. Not when we've chatted so much and learnt a lot about each other, and things feel positive and then... suddenly there's a change. It's the not knowing the reason why that hurts too.

The reason is pretty simple, although you really don't want to hear it. I guarantee she is seeing someone else.

Edited by anonymous-user on Thursday 18th June 04:07

[Blown2CV]

This may come across as brutal, but maybe some things need to be taken personally. Maybe you did put her off, because the last couple of posts made you sound like a weirdo.

[stroberaver]

She said yes. She was asking about the pub closure in order to work out when she'd be free [as in, she'd be free on whatever day we'd normally be meeting at the pub but aren't because it's closed].



fking hell.

I have another chance. I take back the dejected sleep-deprived overnight posts! Ok so she's not exactly putting me at the top of her list of priorities, but thanks to WW my intentions must be pretty clear, and she's saying yes.

Now what do I tell her?!!

omg

Edited by stroberaver on Thursday 18th June 07:41

[spikeyhead]

stroberaver said:

She said yes. She was asking about the pub closure in order to work out when she'd be free [as in, she'd be free on whatever day we'd normally be meeting at the pub but aren't because it's closed].



fking hell.

I have another chance. I take back the dejected sleep-deprived overnight posts! Ok so she's not exactly putting me at the top of her list of priorities, but thanks to WW my intentions must be pretty clear, and she's saying yes.

Now what do I tell her?!!

omg

Edited by stroberaver on Thursday 18th June 07:41

I find that "brace yourself, Sheila" works ok

[anonymous-user]

stroberaver said:

She said yes. She was asking about the pub closure in order to work out when she'd be free [as in, she'd be free on whatever day we'd normally be meeting at the pub but aren't because it's closed].



fking hell.

I have another chance. I take back the dejected sleep-deprived overnight posts! Ok so she's not exactly putting me at the top of her list of priorities, but thanks to WW my intentions must be pretty clear, and she's saying yes.

Now what do I tell her?!!

omg

Edited by stroberaver on Thursday 18th June 07:41

So let me get this straight, she has agreed to see you as a friend on a day where the guy she is sleeping with is busy?

I am a bit lost in all this, can you remind me how old you are, how long you have been seeing her and if you have slept with her yet?

[PAUL500]

Oh boy wise words from all on here with first hand experience which you acknowledge, and then she comes up with some feeble excuse and bang you are the lapdog again!

I guess in life you only learn from your own mistakes not those of others, good luck regardless.

[leglessAlex]

stroberaver said:

She said yes. She was asking about the pub closure in order to work out when she'd be free [as in, she'd be free on whatever day we'd normally be meeting at the pub but aren't because it's closed].



fking hell.

I have another chance. I take back the dejected sleep-deprived overnight posts! Ok so she's not exactly putting me at the top of her list of priorities, but thanks to WW my intentions must be pretty clear, and she's saying yes.

Now what do I tell her?!!

omg

Jesus, that post comes across as her saying yes to marrying you, not just meeting at a pub (as friends, natch).

Chill out. I mean seriously, chill out. Just because she's sent one text saying she'll meet you doesn't mean she's into you. I meet friends all the time and I'm not into them, how do you know she's not just meeting you as a friend?

You're on a course to end up super depressed when you find out she isn't interested in you for one reason or another(she might not be having sex with someone else contrary to what a lot on here seem to think, she may just not be into you as has been mentioned). I've been there, done that and it just isn't worth it.

I know what your saying about some things not being in your nature, but you don't need to turn in to some manosphere/alpha cocksocket to be 'successful' with women. You just need to chill out a bit.

[stroberaver]

Umm, not really sure where the excuses are in her reply.

Could it have been quicker / better? Yes
Could it have been worse? Hell yes.

She could've said no, or ignored it forever. Given how much more comfortable she is about messaging some stuff rather than talking about it, I don't believe she would skip the opportunity to decline by text if that was what she wanted to do. She's also not the kind of person who says something and doesn't really mean it or stick to it - we both hate it when people do that.

Instead she's said yes, without knowing which specific day (when this alleged bloke she's shagging is supposedly busy or away). I'll take that as a positive outcome for now.

The elation of my post above was OTT after how bleak it felt last night, mostly just cos of the shock and surprise, but I feel strongly about her. Just need to play it cool and work out what card to play next and what to message back to her, preferably at lunchtime.

[CountZero23]

When you start putting a girl on such a pedestal you've probably already sabotaged it. Girls are very perceptive at picking up when I guy thinks much more of them than they do of themselves. The difference between the mindset of 'I'm not sure if she's cool enough for me, but I'll see how things go' compared to 'OMG she's agreed to meet me!' is massive and while the former will drive them wild, the latter put's you squarely in the friend zone.

Try not too get excited - at least until you get into her knickers.

It's easy to think 'this girl is different' when you really like them and to treat them differently. She is not some special princess and has no doubt been fked senseless on a first date by some guy who gave less of a fk.

Joey Deacon speaks allot of sense, go fk a load of girls, have a few friends with benefits on the go and your approach to women will change dramatically. Best way to get into a relationship is by enjoying being single.

As for texts - keep them pretty short and practical. You're not supposed to seduce a girl via text, just arrange the next meeting where hopefully you can move things on...

Tell her to come over to yours and you'll cook for her. Few bottles of wine and cooking together works well in my experience.

Best to ensure dates happen as close to your bed as possible.

[Studio117]

This is awfully tragic.

[andy-xr]

stroberaver said:

The elation of my post above was OTT after how bleak it felt last night, mostly just cos of the shock and surprise, but I feel strongly about her. Just need to play it cool and work out what card to play next and what to message back to her, preferably at lunchtime.

You're setting yourself up for a big fall if she declines to hum on your nuts, then you'll blame her for being a dirty cocktease when all the assumptions about how great life would be together and the names you've picked out for your kids are all really just figments of your imagination.

Just be cool. If she wants the same thing as you do, there's plenty of time for her to show willing. I'm sure with however many texts, winks, nudges or other indirect signs you've shown she knows where you stand, it's up to her to show something back more than turning up.

If she doestn turn up for any reason you're going to go nuts and talk about how broken hearted you are, I can see it coming

[ChunkyloverSV]

CountZero23 said:

When you start putting a girl on such a pedestal you've probably already sabotaged it. Girls are very perceptive at picking up when I guy thinks much more of them than they do of themselves. The difference between the mindset of 'I'm not sure if she's cool enough for me, but I'll see how things go' compared to 'OMG she's agreed to meet me!' is massive and while the former will drive them wild, the latter put's you squarely in the friend zone.

Try not too get excited - at least until you get into her knickers.

It's easy to think 'this girl is different' when you really like them and to treat them differently. She is not some special princess and has no doubt been fked senseless on a first date by some guy who gave less of a fk.

Joey Deacon speaks allot of sense, go fk a load of girls, have a few friends with benefits on the go and your approach to women will change dramatically. Best way to get into a relationship is by enjoying being single.

As for texts - keep them pretty short and practical. You're not supposed to seduce a girl via text, just arrange the next meeting where hopefully you can move things on...

Tell her to come over to yours and you'll cook for her. Few bottles of wine and cooking together works well in my experience.

Best to ensure dates happen as close to your bed as possible.

You little romantic you

[stroberaver]

CountZero23 said:

The difference between the mindset of 'I'm not sure if she's cool enough for me, but I'll see how things go' compared to 'OMG she's agreed to meet me!' is massive and while the former will drive them wild, the latter put's you squarely in the friend zone.

No arguments there - in fact I suspect that's what happened with me. When we started chatting, I was talking to a variety of other girls on Tinder, so did have other options but also approached this girl with an open mind, not really knowing how much I liked her. But I think the more I got to know her, the more I liked her, and it's ended up becoming obvious. So I went from "hmmm, she seems nice but I'm not sure about her" to "fking hell, she's amazing", which I should never have revealed to her. I knew that in advance, but it's not always easy to manage when it creeps up over time, and it was only this week that I took a biiiig step back and realised how silly I've been with all the affectionate pen pal stuff. So it's time to make sure that first attitude is the one I show from now on.

[CountZero23]

ChunkyloverSV said:

You little romantic you

I used to be a romantic.






A very single romantic...

[ChunkyloverSV]

stroberaver said:

No arguments there - in fact I suspect that's what happened with me. When we started chatting, I was talking to a variety of other girls on Tinder, so did have other options but also approached this girl with an open mind, not really knowing how much I liked her. But I think the more I got to know her, the more I liked her, and it's ended up becoming obvious. So I went from "hmmm, she seems nice but I'm not sure about her" to "fking hell, she's amazing", which I should never have revealed to her. I knew that in advance, but it's not always easy to manage when it creeps up over time, and it was only this week that I took a biiiig step back and realised how silly I've been with all the affectionate pen pal stuff. So it's time to make sure that first attitude is the one I show from now on.

You need to nip the friends thing in the bud. Where are you going on your date?

Really your either going to sink of swim.

I know where you are coming from i was dating a few girls at once however i didn't feel the spark like i did with a girl who had friend zoned me. So i took a step back from them all realising i was wasting my time with the other dates. Any way after a few months i ended up with the girl who friend zoned me and we have been together for 2 years so its not all doom and gloom. However you only get one chance at making it work.

[CountZero23]

ChunkyloverSV said:

You need to nip the friends thing in the bud. Where are you going on your date?

Really your either going to sink of swim.

I know where you are coming from i was dating a few girls at once however i didn't feel the spark like i did with a girl who had friend zoned me. So i took a step back from them all realising i was wasting my time with the other dates. Any way after a few months i ended up with the girl who friend zoned me and we have been together for 2 years so its not all doom and gloom. However you only get one chance at making it work.

Is she chunky?

:P