Match.com (Volume 6)

[Bluesgirl]

Good point, thanks. I thought I'd just see what pearls of wisdom would be forthcoming from the other side of the fence, so to speak.

[johnwilliams77]

SpeckledJim said:

be careful with that one. You'll either embarrass her, and she'll feel trapped into spending a lot on you, which she will rightly resent. Or you're teaching her that you're the generous fool who will spoil her forever!

Better to keep things reasonable and be teased for being tight. At least that doesn't lead to structural relationship doom.

Stuff that. YOLO. Take her to a 5* hotel, buy lots of champange and jewelry for her and have the time of your life!

[ChunkyloverSV]

I think if there is a big disparity in wages between partners you have to decide early on if that is going to cause you issues. If you make more money you need to accept that you will be paying for more of the things more of the time than your partner, if you are not happy with this it will never work and you need to meet someone on a similar income to yourself.

If you get pissed off that you pay for a meal and all they can afford is a DVD what happens with the big decisions in life?

[All that jazz]

From experience of the dating scene over the past 5 years or so I've learned that it's best to be deliberately vague about your own income and job you do until you can figure out whether the what sort of person they are and whether the relationship shows signs of going places. I'm in the 'above average' earnings category and not having any baggage means I tend to have a sizeable disposable income which is nice, but often makes you "attractive" to the opposite sex for all the wrong reasons, particularly the ones with ready-made families who don't usually have anything to bring to the table themselves.

I can very much relate to Andy's post above about seeing a young girl with kids as I've been there myself. Lovely girl and we shared a very similar view of the world which gave us lots to talk and laugh about but the lifestyle incompatibilies and disparity are extremely hard to overcome. In the end it felt more like a FWB whom I was occasionally bailing out financially until I realised that we were living two completely different lives and it was never going to work while ever the kids were 'in the way'. It was quite a tough break-up as she said she'd change but ultimately the kids would've needed to have been about 15 years older to not take up all of her time and you can't expect a woman to put you before her kids so it was for the best to end it. It was the first time dating a girl with young kids for me and I didn't think it'd be that much of a problem but it was a lot tougher than I envisaged. I think there's a lot of delusion from the other side as well where they have high expectations of some Prince Charming coming along to sweep them (and their kids) off their feet yet don't seem to realise how unattractive their "package" is and find themselves left on the shelf as used goods which no-one wants to buy.

[johnwilliams77]

All that jazz said:

From experience of the dating scene over the past 5 years or so I've learned that it's best to be deliberately vague about your own income and job you do until you can figure out whether the what sort of person they are and whether the relationship shows signs of going places. I'm in the 'above average' earnings category and not having any baggage means I tend to have a sizeable disposable income which is nice, but often makes you "attractive" to the opposite sex for all the wrong reasons, particularly the ones with ready-made families who don't usually have anything to bring to the table themselves.

I can very much relate to Andy's post above about seeing a young girl with kids as I've been there myself. Lovely girl and we shared a very similar view of the world which gave us lots to talk and laugh about but the lifestyle incompatibilies and disparity are extremely hard to overcome. In the end it felt more like a FWB whom I was occasionally bailing out financially until I realised that we were living two completely different lives and it was never going to work while ever the kids were 'in the way'. It was quite a tough break-up as she said she'd change but ultimately the kids would've needed to have been about 15 years older to not take up all of her time and you can't expect a woman to put you before her kids so it was for the best to end it. It was the first time dating a girl with young kids for me and I didn't think it'd be that much of a problem but it was a lot tougher than I envisaged. I think there's a lot of delusion from the other side as well where they have high expectations of some Prince Charming coming along to sweep them (and their kids) off their feet yet don't seem to realise how unattractive their "package" is and find themselves left on the shelf as used goods which no-one wants to buy.

Jeez, I am surprised you thought it wouldn't be a big deal. Most people I know would never consider it (single guys with good / very good income), they don't need the 'hassle'.

[andy-xr]

Bluesgirl said:

Andy's post, above, suggests that age isn't a factor. He was high earning while the gf, who presumably was 20's or 30's had a young child to consider and, accordingly, a lower income from part-time work.

So the conclusion is that the 'field' is more limited and I should be looking at the status of a match in addition to all the other factors - something I never thought I'd do.

What I wanted to do with my life while I was dating that girl was very much at odds with what she wanted to do with her life. The money I was earning was giving me opportunities to do things that the girl just didnt have and couldnt see a way towards. So for example, if I wanted to do California, to me that'd have been more of a booked it, packed it, fked off but to her it'd have been a very different proposition wondering how she could afford to get a passport expressed, where some spending money was going to come from, whether she could get the time off work. It wasnt necessarily that I earned more than someone else so I shouldnt go out with them. There was just too much of a gap in our expectations of life. And there was also an uncomfortableness to the differences - if it was me that earned half what my wife earned, I'd feel a guilt about blowing what's likely 'her' money on a £10k break. Eg, I'd want to pay for my flight, to enjoy this together, but where would I get £1500 to give to Delta, and how would I be able to share the cost of the hotel when someone's looking at $300/night and my budget's more for hostels

Money comes and goes though, I had shaky times between 2010 and 2012 in the job market and I ended up with very little, to the point where I couldnt actually afford to go bankrupt. I still travel, it's more York than New York now

Edited by andy-xr on Friday 18th November 15:05

[All that jazz]

johnwilliams77 said:

Jeez, I am surprised you thought it wouldn't be a big deal. Most people I know would never consider it (single guys with good / very good income), they don't need the 'hassle'.

Yes and no. I was certainly of that mindset when I was younger, but then still being young myself meant there was no shortage of other fit and attractive baggage-free girlies of a similar age to play with. However when you get older those young baggage-free ones tend to become more difficult to pick up unless you look like Clooney and the market around your own age is 90% women with baggage with the remaining 10% made up of 5% heffers, 4% batst crazy mentals and 1% sane, attractive baggage-free who have every 40+ bloke in a 1000 mile radius chasing them .

No problem here dating women with kids, but the kids either need to be grown up and/or already living elsewhere .

[shirt]

Bluesgirl said:

Good point, thanks. I thought I'd just see what pearls of wisdom would be forthcoming from the other side of the fence, so to speak.

I realise it wasn't meant as such but I read andys post as being quite condescending towards this woman, especially the restaurant story. Also such differences in outlook and attitude are usually captured at first date or earlier.

money does strange things to people and colours their perception of anyone not on equal footing. Funny it's often those who think they're stooping below their station that often seem most embittered.

[All that jazz]

Bluesgirl said:

Andy's post, above, suggests that age isn't a factor. He was high earning while the gf, who presumably was 20's or 30's had a young child to consider and, accordingly, a lower income from part-time work.

So the conclusion is that the 'field' is more limited and I should be looking at the status of a match in addition to all the other factors - something I never thought I'd do.

Not at all. You have to take each case on its own merits. Just because that specific girl and her circumstances was incompatible with Andy's lifestyle doesn't mean every other one will. It would however be prudent to take into account this kind of thing if the relationship looks like it could develop otherwise it may lead to problems further down the line as it can be too overwhelming for one or both parties, particularly if one of the parties has young kids.

[WestyCarl]

Maybe I'm an old romantic, but in my view you will know it's "the one" regardless of anything else and will make it work.

[Ki3r]

Last night I had a date with a friend of a friend. We had been talking for a week or so, and arranged to meet up fairly quickly, but due to work yesterday was the first chance we had.

Despite waking up at 0330 when my alarms were set for 0500 and being shattered I had a lovely time. Went to a smallish pub not too far from us for a drink and some food. Lots of talking, not just one person either.

This morning we sorted our second date for Tuesday.

[xjay1337]

I was once seeing a bird with a kid. She earnt min wage working in pizza shop.
She didnt want my money and we paid equally for food (donalds or pizza im perfectly happy with that )

Likewise my mrs who i live with now only has 200 or so after paying her bills and her share of rent (we splitnitnroughly 65/35) doesnt bother me at all.
I guess it depends on your personalised. I am lucky to have limited experience with women who abuse my money.

[Mr Happy]

I've dated people who've earned 2x+ my annual wage, as well as people who've been on benefits with only a few quid to scrape together, but it never affected how I'd treat them. When going on a first date, I usually prefer to stand it myself rather than have my date pay her way, but after thinking a bit about it, I may have to change my stance on this.

Really, this is a question for the PH women - maybe I'm just overthinking things, but if you were ambivalent about a guy who you went on a date with, but who paid for everything - would you think "well, he's just being nice" or would you think "I hope he isn't expecting me to repay this niceness with a shag!".

I'm aging into quite the pessimist but 10 years ago, I'd not give this kind of issue a second thought. Should this kind of first date be left in the past commensurate with it's 'old fashioned' tag? The last thing I want to do is make my date feel uneasy, but with my more critical hat on, insisting I pay for everything the first time may appear to be doing just that.

[Condi]

Wow.... guy ALWAYS pays first date! After that you can go drinks/meal split, and eventually take turns or go Dutch, but if you're really questioning if you should ask the girl to contribute to a first date that's a fairly poor state of affairs. First date isnt a splash the cash affair anyway, something like a good pub is more than acceptable.

[Bluesgirl]

I never expect the guy to pay on the first date. I'll always pay half, on principle. To my mind, there are no rules about this - it's fair to share the cost equally from the off. That's all, it's not a question of whether or not he'll expect anything in return.

Mind you, a friend I'm arranging a second date with was shocked when I mentioned paying half on the first date. He's quite old-fashioned in that respect and seemed to take it as an insult. We'll see what happens next time.

[Condi]

Bluesgirl said:

Mind you, a friend I'm arranging a second date with was shocked when I mentioned paying half on the first date. He's quite old-fashioned in that respect and seemed to take it as an insult.

Defiantly I wouldnt let a girl pay for the first date. At the very least the man should always pay for the meal bill and any drinks which are on that, if we go for another drink then she can pay for the second round if she insists. Wouldnt consider myself 'old fashioned' at all, im only mid 20s, but its just polite.

[xjay1337]

Bluesgirl said:

. We'll see what happens next time.

I think thats only going to go one way. :-)

[Bluesgirl]

Well I'm not going to start an argument about it, but I didn't think guys thought like that any more. Obviously I've been out of the loop...

[Brigand]

Condi said:

Wow.... guy ALWAYS pays first date!

How archaic!

[Mr Happy]

Condi said:

Wow.... guy ALWAYS pays first date! After that you can go drinks/meal split, and eventually take turns or go Dutch, but if you're really questioning if you should ask the girl to contribute to a first date that's a fairly poor state of affairs. First date isnt a splash the cash affair anyway, something like a good pub is more than acceptable.

That's not what I'm asking at all, I think you should re-read my post.

I can't see where I said "should I ask a girl to contribute" at all, and I wrote the thing.

If anything, it was more a question of "how do women interpret this situation" than "is this right or wrong".

Edited by Mr Happy on Friday 18th November 23:08