Match.com (Volume 6)

[Blown2CV]

xjay1337 said:

Random question for this afternoon.

How soon is too soon to propose?

there is no date cut-off, only you can decide when it's the right time. However if you do very early you may have to cope with the idea that everyone you tell will think you are a fking idiot and will be talking about what an awful idea it is behind your back. If you're not fussed about that then crack on. However, if you felt the need to ask.... i can only assume you know it's too early deep down eh? After all, no-one NEEDS to get married ASAP?

[Pebbles167]

Blown2CV said:

After all, no-one NEEDS to get married ASAP?

Apart from the guys looking for mail order brides, Thai brides etc

[xjay1337]

Blown2CV said:

there is no date cut-off, only you can decide when it's the right time. However if you do very early you may have to cope with the idea that everyone you tell will think you are a fking idiot and will be talking about what an awful idea it is behind your back. If you're not fussed about that then crack on. However, if you felt the need to ask.... i can only assume you know it's too early deep down eh? After all, no-one NEEDS to get married ASAP?

Haha, no, I don't mind what people think. My Mrs and I have been together for nearly 9 months, lived together since October, saw each other every day before that, and we've had zero issues / fights or whatever. It's perfect.

And we had been talking about wedding ideas and what not so I just wondered... :-)

She would absolutely say yes if I did. But I'm just wondering what peoples general views on this is!

[Pebbles167]

Go for it mate. Sounds like you have a good thing going

[gregs656]

xjay1337 said:

Haha, no, I don't mind what people think. My Mrs and I have been together for nearly 9 months, lived together since October, saw each other every day before that, and we've had zero issues / fights or whatever. It's perfect.

And we had been talking about wedding ideas and what not so I just wondered... :-)

She would absolutely say yes if I did. But I'm just wondering what peoples general views on this is!

Do you want to marry her?

[xjay1337]

Yes I want her to be my wife. /soppy.

Lad lad lad weeeeyy.

[gregs656]

xjay1337 said:

Yes I want her to be my wife. /soppy.

Lad lad lad weeeeyy.

There you go then.

Absolute worst case it all goes wrong which spices this thread up a bit.

[johnwilliams77]

xjay1337 said:

Yes I want her to be my wife. /soppy.

Lad lad lad weeeeyy.

See you in 10 years with a tonker story

(Only joking, good luck)

[andy-xr]

xjay1337 said:

Haha, no, I don't mind what people think. My Mrs and I have been together for nearly 9 months, lived together since October, saw each other every day before that, and we've had zero issues / fights or whatever. It's perfect.

And we had been talking about wedding ideas and what not so I just wondered... :-)

She would absolutely say yes if I did. But I'm just wondering what peoples general views on this is!

I knew within perhaps the first 4-6 weeks that I wanted to be with my now wife forever. At the time, marriage wasnt something I'd considered as I didnt put that much thought into what being married actually meant, and didnt feel it that important. I'd have been happy to be a couple.

It wasnt until my wife explained to me how important it was to her that I started to understand it a bit more, and looked at my parents as a good example of how a marriage should be. I'd kind of taken it for granted that they were just together, but didnt understand the work that they'd done as two willing parties to keep it going.

There's to me, a big difference between proposing a marriage and being engaged. Many couples are engaged for a long time. It wasnt something I wanted to do, for me that was just Saving Up Time so that we could afford the wedding and the honeymoon, rather than 'Let's see how it goes' that I think many engagements turn in to.

I dont think there's a Too Soon if both are willing and want to do it. It's when one gets dragged along in the others excitement and then gets cold feet that there's a problem.

[Blown2CV]

if you know she's the right partner for you then why not just carry on doing what you're doing for a bit? Is there a need to propose now? Not proposing does not mean you're not committed. There's a difference between knowing they are the right person you would like to be with, and being sure you'll be together for a long time. Lots of people think they are the same thing, and do all sorts of batst rash things within minutes of meeting someone.

[PieSlayer]

xjay1337 said:

Random question for this afternoon.

How soon is too soon to propose?

A bloke I used to work with proposed to his mrs after 2 weeks of meeting each other.
They'd been happily married for 15 years when I last saw him.
I don't think there's any defined period.

[Blown2CV]

PieSlayer said:

xjay1337 said:

Random question for this afternoon.

How soon is too soon to propose?

A bloke I used to work with proposed to his mrs after 2 weeks of meeting each other.
They'd been happily married for 15 years when I last saw him.
I don't think there's any defined period.

it's not black and white, but more time spent together can be seen to de-risk getting married to that person. Early on and it's a massive gamble. Massive gambles can of course occasionally come in, but they're more likely to blow you into the weeds.

[gregs656]

Blown2CV said:

it's not black and white, but more time spent together can be seen to de-risk getting married to that person. Early on and it's a massive gamble. Massive gambles can of course occasionally come in, but they're more likely to blow you into the weeds.

I suspect this is not reflected in the records. I would put good money that the generations who have had the most successful rates of enduring marriage have had relatively short relationships prior to getting married.

I see what you're saying but I don't think an extra year or what ever really de-risks something that ought to last until one of you dies.

[Benbay001]

I started seriously the POF/ Tinder thing just under 3 weeks ago.

Im 24, having never had a relationship (and not cared overly), have just a handful of female friends, im finding it quite hard to keep a conversation going for more than 5-10 messages. I cant flirt for toffee, and end up chatting to girls just like i would male friends which usually results in conversations not lasting very long..

How often do you lot seem to get a date out of these apps/sites?

If a girl responds to your messages positively but without a natural continuation to the conversation, should i try to continue it or chalk it up to experience?

Its a sad day when you turn to PH for love advice but needs must :P

[gregs656]

Ask them out before you run out of things to say! You're not looking for a pen pal at the end of the day.

[Blown2CV]

gregs656 said:

Blown2CV said:

it's not black and white, but more time spent together can be seen to de-risk getting married to that person. Early on and it's a massive gamble. Massive gambles can of course occasionally come in, but they're more likely to blow you into the weeds.

I suspect this is not reflected in the records. I would put good money that the generations who have had the most successful rates of enduring marriage have had relatively short relationships prior to getting married.

I see what you're saying but I don't think an extra year or what ever really de-risks something that ought to last until one of you dies.

so just because you can't guarantee somehow that you'll be married for 60 years until you both die, you may as well just point at someone in a crowd and go "YOU"? That's like woman logic man.

[anonymous-user]

xjay1337 said:

Blown2CV said:

there is no date cut-off, only you can decide when it's the right time. However if you do very early you may have to cope with the idea that everyone you tell will think you are a fking idiot and will be talking about what an awful idea it is behind your back. If you're not fussed about that then crack on. However, if you felt the need to ask.... i can only assume you know it's too early deep down eh? After all, no-one NEEDS to get married ASAP?

Haha, no, I don't mind what people think. My Mrs and I have been together for nearly 9 months, lived together since October, saw each other every day before that, and we've had zero issues / fights or whatever. It's perfect.

And we had been talking about wedding ideas and what not so I just wondered... :-)

She would absolutely say yes if I did. But I'm just wondering what peoples general views on this is!

Not before you have lived together for 12+ months I would say, I am a right miserable sod over the winter and cheery over the summer.

Plus, make sure you are subjected to something quite stressful in that time, I proposed as we were moving house, I was studying my MSc, learning German, she was studying, had two new dogs, old landlord was robbing us blind, plus we live in a foreign country where don't speak the language and it is only us two; I figured if we can get through that ... then why not. Just lucky we don't have money problems on top!

[gregs656]

Blown2CV said:

so just because you can't guarantee somehow that you'll be married for 60 years until you both die, you may as well just point at someone in a crowd and go "YOU"? That's like woman logic man.

Not sure who you're meant to be replying to but it can't be me as that is really nothing like what I was saying.

You're saying that long relationships prior to getting married de-risks the marriage, I'm saying I bet that isn't born out in the figures because until fairly recently divorce wasn't particularly common and having long relationships before marriage also wasn't common.

I think the best way to de-risk a marriage is to go into one with someone who will work for the relationship and not look out for number 1 at the first sign of trouble.

[ClockworkCupcake]

gregs656 said:

You're saying that long relationships prior to getting married de-risks the marriage, I'm saying I bet that isn't born out in the figures because until fairly recently divorce wasn't particularly common and having long relationships before marriage also wasn't common.

I think the best way to de-risk a marriage is to go into one with someone who will work for the relationship and not look out for number 1 at the first sign of trouble.

I think it is also a generational thing. In my parents' generation of "make do and mend" you made a marriage work. I remember my parents going through a very rough patch years ago and I gently told my mum that if it really was that bad, could she consider leaving my dad? And she replied that wasn't how she saw marriage and that it simply wasn't an option.

In today's swipe left, disposable, "replace not mend" society, if something isn't working then you ditch it.

[Matt UK]

ClockworkCupcake said:

gregs656 said:

You're saying that long relationships prior to getting married de-risks the marriage, I'm saying I bet that isn't born out in the figures because until fairly recently divorce wasn't particularly common and having long relationships before marriage also wasn't common.

I think the best way to de-risk a marriage is to go into one with someone who will work for the relationship and not look out for number 1 at the first sign of trouble.

I think it is also a generational thing. In my parents' generation of "make do and mend" you made a marriage work. I remember my parents going through a very rough patch years ago and I gently told my mum that if it really was that bad, could she consider leaving my dad? And she replied that wasn't how she saw marriage and that it simply wasn't an option.

In today's swipe left, disposable, "replace not mend" society, if something isn't working then you ditch it.

Whilst that is true and there is considerable merit in it, I think there were / are an awful lot of unhappy marriages with people very unhappy, even destructive, behind closed doors (sometimes leading to simply awful circumstances that their kids have to witness) that simply don't see splitting up as an option. When it would be better all round if they bloody well did.

Yet today people are more free to say "I loved you dearly, it was great, we have parented fantastic kids, so no regrets - but we want different things for the next stage of life - let's part as friends before we bring the worst out of each other, respect the role we've played in each other's lives and let each other move on with our heads held high to find a happier life".

There's no right and wrong with either way, every story is different I guess, every relationship unqiue.