Child Maintenance - What is it supposed to cover?

[Fastchas]

Collectingbrass said:

You just need to pay what the CMS site says, and don't forget it reduces for any nights they stay with you even if your ex wife has custody.

As for the rest, it's up to you. I did what I needed to do to keep contact with my kids.

Yeh, the plan is to have them every other weekend inc sunday nights, so that would be 3 out of 14 nights. I've read that all nights I have them in holidays and when I take them away also counts towards that number.

[Andehh]

Fastchas said:

Resurrecting this thread.

I last posted in this thread 3 years ago, my advise has not changed in 3 years. DO NOT PENNY PINCH! The extra £10-20 you might save, will be spent threefold to comfort yourself when she builds up resentment at you not paying what she thinks the kid's are worth & it boils over into a massive row.... stick to book figures that have been independently set by the cold calculated CSA.

Do this:

1) Send her a Whatsapp pic of your payslip

2) Send her a Whatsapp pic of the CSA calculator showing what you should pay her based off said pay slip (£180p/m).

3) Pay her that much

4) Politely & friendly explain to her you can't afford more then that, but for one offs where & when you can, you will contribute what you can. Buy the odd set of shoes, the odd coat/jacket, etc etc. Stay polite, friendly & apologetic.

I swear to God, do not fk around with access to your children & an amicable relationship with your ex for the sack of £xx per month. Not worth it, you will loose, you will be miserable, you will be worse off in the big scheme of things when you have to spend extra money on yourself/current gf due to being tired & stressed out over the amicable situation you lost due to penny pinching.

Stick to the book figures. Don't argue, just prove it all to her via the above suggested photos. Let that show her.

Edited by Andehh on Monday 11th September 14:06

[Andehh]

Fastchas said:

Collectingbrass said:

don't forget it reduces for any nights they stay with you even if your ex wife has custody.

Yeh, the plan is to have them every other weekend inc sunday nights, so that would be 3 out of 14 nights. I've read that all nights I have them in holidays and when I take them away also counts towards that number.

Don't do this. You are penny pinching. You will save a bit of money, but will end up worse overall when your ex holds it against you & reminds you of it at every turn of events. DO NOT PENNY PINCH . Pay the money, take the moral high ground, don't argue, just show her you are paying what the government has decreed is the amount you should pay. Pay £180/month.

[Fastchas]

Andehh said:

Fastchas said:

Collectingbrass said:

don't forget it reduces for any nights they stay with you even if your ex wife has custody.

Yeh, the plan is to have them every other weekend inc sunday nights, so that would be 3 out of 14 nights. I've read that all nights I have them in holidays and when I take them away also counts towards that number.

Don't do this. You are penny pinching. You will save a bit of money, but will end up worse overall when your ex holds it against you & reminds you of it at every turn of events. DO NOT PENNY PINCH . Pay the money, take the moral high ground, don't argue, just show her you are paying what the government has decreed is the amount you should pay. Pay £180/month.

Good posts, thanks for that and the previous one. Our relationship has been amicable over the years and I wouldn't jeopardise that.
My post above explains how the sum of £180 is reached. You go on the CMS website, enter your details and how many nights the kids stay at mine over the year and it falls into a bracket. I think my case fell into bracket 2 which said I was to pay £180. If the boys stayed another 40-50 nights at mine over the year then I would go into bracket 3 and my amount payable would reduce.
I'm happy to pay what is due plus a little extra but I resent having to pay much more just because she thinks I should as she's lost the CTC because her partner earns £50k. Those are her circumstances, not mine.

[Andehh]

Fastchas said:

I'm happy to pay what is due plus a little extra but I resent having to pay much more just because she thinks I should as she's lost the CTC because her partner earns £50k. Those are her circumstances, not mine.

Fastchas said:

she thinks.

That's why you need to remove this aspect of ''she thinks'' out of it, literally - take photos of the CSA calculator & your payslip to remove all ambiguity out of it. Show her the facts, as dictated by the Government.

[TwigtheWonderkid]

Fastchas said:

Resurrecting this thread.

After 6 years of 50/50 custody of my two boys (13 & 8) I've decided to give it a go with my girlfriend and sell our respective houses, buying a place together.
I'll be moving out of the area so custody will be given to my ex.

Why???

I'd understand if the youngest was 18 but he's only 13. Why are you giving up 50/50 custody and moving away. Surely his welfare comes before your own and some girlfriend. Does she have kids? If you want to live together, get her to come to you.

[Fastchas]

TwigtheWonderkid said:

Fastchas said:

Resurrecting this thread.

After 6 years of 50/50 custody of my two boys (13 & 8) I've decided to give it a go with my girlfriend and sell our respective houses, buying a place together.
I'll be moving out of the area so custody will be given to my ex.

Why???

I'd understand if the youngest was 18 but he's only 13. Why are you giving up 50/50 custody and moving away. Surely his welfare comes before your own and some girlfriend. Does she have kids? If you want to live together, get her to come to you.

She has two girls, the eldest in exam years plus she lives in a nicer area and still has custody for her girls. The only option really was for me to change my custody arrangements. My boys are fine with their mum, she's a great mum and we get on well. In fact the eldest has dropped his nights already a few times and stayed at hers.
I've been in this 50/50 situation now for 6 years. I need to think of myself and my future too. I can't be living my own, paying for another house for the time it takes my youngest to reach adulthood. I think that's unreasonable.

[TwigtheWonderkid]

Fastchas said:

TwigtheWonderkid said:

Fastchas said:

Resurrecting this thread.

After 6 years of 50/50 custody of my two boys (13 & 8) I've decided to give it a go with my girlfriend and sell our respective houses, buying a place together.
I'll be moving out of the area so custody will be given to my ex.

Why???

I'd understand if the youngest was 18 but he's only 13. Why are you giving up 50/50 custody and moving away. Surely his welfare comes before your own and some girlfriend. Does she have kids? If you want to live together, get her to come to you.

She has two girls, the eldest in exam years plus she lives in a nicer area and still has custody for her girls. The only option really was for me to change my custody arrangements. My boys are fine with their mum, she's a great mum and we get on well. In fact the eldest has dropped his nights already a few times and stayed at hers.
I've been in this 50/50 situation now for 6 years. I need to think of myself and my future too. I can't be living my own, paying for another house for the time it takes my youngest to reach adulthood. I think that's unreasonable.

Fair enough. You've obviously given it some thought, although I think you've arrived at the wrong decision. You shouldn't be thinking of yourself or your future until your kids are adults. Until then, it's all about putting them first.

[TwigtheWonderkid]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

An all expenses paid invitation to move in with Liz Hurley couldn't have dragged me away from my kids.

[Alltrack]

Fastchas said:

She has two girls, the eldest in exam years plus she lives in a nicer area and still has custody for her girls. The only option really was for me to change my custody arrangements. My boys are fine with their mum, she's a great mum and we get on well. In fact the eldest has dropped his nights already a few times and stayed at hers.
I've been in this 50/50 situation now for 6 years. I need to think of myself and my future too. I can't be living my own, paying for another house for the time it takes my youngest to reach adulthood. I think that's unreasonable.

The CMS calculator will also take into account that you now have to provide for your partner's children.

[theboss]

TwigtheWonderkid said:

Fair enough. You've obviously given it some thought, although I think you've arrived at the wrong decision. You shouldn't be thinking of yourself or your future until your kids are adults. Until then, it's all about putting them first.

I admire the sentiment but I have to disagree. There is a balance to be struck. If he still lives sufficiently close to play a role in their lives and maintain contact, and everyone is happy, then he should do what he thinks is in his long term interests.

[TwigtheWonderkid]

theboss said:

TwigtheWonderkid said:

Fair enough. You've obviously given it some thought, although I think you've arrived at the wrong decision. You shouldn't be thinking of yourself or your future until your kids are adults. Until then, it's all about putting them first.

I admire the sentiment but I have to disagree. There is a balance to be struck. If he still lives sufficiently close to play a role in their lives and maintain contact, and everyone is happy, then he should do what he thinks is in his long term interests.

I think he and you underestimate the importance of, when you're 13 yrs old, having a dad on the scene, ideally in the same house but if that's not possible, then certainly in the same town. Especially if that's all he's known.

It's a tricky age. There will be times over the next few years where he needs some advice or just wants to unload, and should be able to call dad and say "alright if I just pop over/ come and stay".

Edited by TwigtheWonderkid on Monday 11th September 15:58

[Fastchas]

TwigtheWonderkid said:

theboss said:

TwigtheWonderkid said:

Fair enough. You've obviously given it some thought, although I think you've arrived at the wrong decision. You shouldn't be thinking of yourself or your future until your kids are adults. Until then, it's all about putting them first.

I admire the sentiment but I have to disagree. There is a balance to be struck. If he still lives sufficiently close to play a role in their lives and maintain contact, and everyone is happy, then he should do what he thinks is in his long term interests.

I think he and you underestimate the importance of, when you're 13 yrs old, having a dad on the scene, ideally in the same house but if that's not possible, then certainly in the same town. Especially if that's all he's known.

It's a tricky age. There will be times over the next few years where he needs some advice or just wants to unload, and should be able to call dad and say "alright if I just pop over/ come and stay".

Edited by TwigtheWonderkid on Monday 11th September 15:58

I'll be moving 20-25 miles away but only 30 mins by car.For the last 6 years their mum and I have lived perhaps 500yds away from each other and TBH that has been a problem whereas the eldest has walked to the other parent's if he couldn't get his own way, it was too easy for him.
But there is a balance to be struck, and they've had a fantastic time over the last 6 years but I have to think of myself as well. I'm not abandoning the boys.

[TwigtheWonderkid]

Fastchas said:

. I'm not abandoning the boys.

Of course you're not. Christ, there are enough feckless dads out there without adding you to the pile, when you clearly are very much involved in their upbringing.

But.....30 mins away by car when up to now you've been around the corner....I wouldn't do it. If you think it's not too far from your son, then it follows it's not too far from your girlfriend. And she can jump in the car to visit, whereas your son can't.

[theboss]

TwigtheWonderkid said:

theboss said:

TwigtheWonderkid said:

Fair enough. You've obviously given it some thought, although I think you've arrived at the wrong decision. You shouldn't be thinking of yourself or your future until your kids are adults. Until then, it's all about putting them first.

I admire the sentiment but I have to disagree. There is a balance to be struck. If he still lives sufficiently close to play a role in their lives and maintain contact, and everyone is happy, then he should do what he thinks is in his long term interests.

I think he and you underestimate the importance of, when you're 13 yrs old, having a dad on the scene, ideally in the same house but if that's not possible, then certainly in the same town. Especially if that's all he's known.

It's a tricky age. There will be times over the next few years where he needs some advice or just wants to unload, and should be able to call dad and say "alright if I just pop over/ come and stay".

Edited by TwigtheWonderkid on Monday 11th September 15:58

I do understand. Sometimes though, circumstances dictate that changes must be made, even if there is an unfortunate impact on the kids.

I had to start working away from home a few months ago and now only see my kids on the weekends instead of 50/50. I don't like it and they don't either, but the alternative was unemployment.

I could end up meeting a perfect partner who wanted a child or two - do I pass that up because I have to devote every aspect of my existence to my children for the next 10 years or do I do what I feel meets my long term best interests? My parents split when I was about 12 and I'm certainly glad they moved on with their lives rapidly even though it felt as though the children were in a limbo for our most vulnerable teenage years.

The ideal situation for me would be to live under one roof with their mother as a happy family, but unfortunately that was taken away by no choice of my own. I how have to react to the situation as best as I can and, as much as the kids might not like it, I can't really float around being best buddies with their mother and living just up the road for the rest of my life.

[TwigtheWonderkid]

theboss said:

I do understand. Sometimes though, circumstances dictate that changes must be made, even if there is an unfortunate impact on the kids.

I had to start working away from home a few months ago and now only see my kids on the weekends instead of 50/50. I don't like it and they don't either, but the alternative was unemployment.

That's a bit different. You have to earn money to provide for your kids. That's in their best interests.

theboss said:

I could end up meeting a perfect partner who wanted a child or two - do I pass that up because I have to devote every aspect of my existence to my children for the next 10 years or do I do what I feel meets my long term best interests?

Yes, you pass that up. Your children's immediate needs come before your long term wants.

[Alltrack]

TwigtheWonderkid said:

Yes, you pass that up. Your children's immediate needs come before your long term wants.

Hypothetically if it was the mother moving 30 minutes drive away, should he move to within 500 yards again?

[TwigtheWonderkid]

Alltrack said:

TwigtheWonderkid said:

Yes, you pass that up. Your children's immediate needs come before your long term wants.

Hypothetically if it was the mother moving 30 minutes drive away, should he move to within 500 yards again?

Given they appear have true 50/50 custody, then one assumes the kids would not move school and mum would be handing over full custody. Which would not be a good thing, for all the same reasons. It would make it far more difficult for them to see mum, and they'd end up seeing less of her, as an age where the youngest needs both mum and dad on hand.

[Alltrack]

TwigtheWonderkid said:

Given they appear have true 50/50 custody, then one assumes the kids would not move school and mum would be handing over full custody. Which would not be a good thing, for all the same reasons. It would make it far more difficult for them to see mum, and they'd end up seeing less of her, as an age where the youngest needs both mum and dad on hand.

Realistically, in this scenario, the mother would attempt to get the kids into local schools and reduce contact for the father.
Its not just men that ignore children's best interests.

[briangriffin]

TwigtheWonderkid said:

Of course you're not. Christ, there are enough feckless dads out there without adding you to the pile, when you clearly are very much involved in their upbringing.

But.....30 mins away by car when up to now you've been around the corner....I wouldn't do it. If you think it's not too far from your son, then it follows it's not too far from your girlfriend. And she can jump in the car to visit, whereas your son can't.

Depends where he lives, 30 mins could mean the difference between a 200k house and a 500k house. If he wants to set up a 'home' of his own with his new partner which can provide the sufficient rooms for his boys and more if he's planning kids with his new partner.

There's many variables to consider when passing judgement in this case. He could be renting where he is now and can buy 30 mins away which means he's not throwing money away on rent and thus investing in a property which will one day be left to his kids therefore providing for them in the long term.

Offer to pay what the CSA says and then beyond that say it's up for discussion, I.e. New coats, shoes, holidays, 'trips to the football' and you'll buy them rather than give the money so you know the kids are getting the benefit. Problem solved you're not paying over the odds to potentially subsidise her lifestyle but enhance your children's instead.