I work with a total bull¥$€#er!

I work with a total bull¥$€#er!

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272BHP

4,960 posts

235 months

Sunday 21st September 2014
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Aren't most of these guys just clumsy story tellers? Anyone who has lived their 3 scores and 10 will go though at least 3 events in their life that are pretty extraordinary.

Unless people are skilled raconteurs then any attempt to tell their tales will leave them open to accusations. What they think as amusing embellishments probably come over as something completely different!

northwest monkey

6,370 posts

188 months

Sunday 21st September 2014
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272BHP said:
Aren't most of these guys just clumsy story tellers?
No. Just rampant bullstters most of them. As much as I'd love to believe even part of the L200/penguin tale, I really can't.

One of the best stories I ever heard was the chap (Jon Nichols?) that got shot down over Iraq (Gulf War v1). He spent about an hour just telling his story to several hundred people and he was ace. Really interesting and didn't need to embellish it or try to make it something it wasn't.

I agree about older people though. I wish I'd recorded some of my Grandads stories before he passed away. He hadn't done anything particularly important like inventing the internet, or escaping from the Titanic, but get a couple of glasses of port down him and he'd talk for ages. He did meet Mother Teresa though after the war which is pretty good (not bullst!).


JimmyConwayNW

3,056 posts

124 months

Sunday 21st September 2014
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The one I know is not a clumsy story teller. Im surprised his pants aren't on fire and he has hair like a telephone wire it's that bad.

He has allegedly used jet skis on the canal in middlewich, Cheshire before now also wink

Cfnteabag

1,195 posts

195 months

Sunday 21st September 2014
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I've known a couple of these,

Before I joined the regular army I was in the Ta for a couple of years and a lot of the squadron I was part of were students supplementing their student loans, didn't think much of this until about 5 years later when a familiar face pops up as a someone you may know , only his profile picture is him stood topless wearing older style body armour, his other pictures contain a lot of other warry photos. A quick call to a friend who was still in the same Ta unit confirms he has never been further than the Ta centre gate! Now this gets better when the reason he had popped up as someone you may know is he now works for my mother in law as a cleaning in a nursing home. He once disappeared for 2 weeks with no explanation then came back to work like nothing had happened. His reason when called into the office is that he had been training the sas and he wasn't allowed to call anyone as he would have been killed!

Other was a serving engineer, 18 years into his career and he had risen to the fantastic height of sapper, or precisely no where. He had some amazing stories, he once landed a Hercules in Iraq as the pilot bet him he couldn't, he also had a homebuilt horse trailer with a hydraulically dropping floor like the razor vans that he used to carry around one of barnful of exotic motorbikes that him and his brother owned including ex bsb and wsb bikes and a turbo power hinda crf450 crosser. None of these ever appeared and when later he was having a bit of money trouble someone suggested he sell a couple of these bikes he couldn't as they had been in the family for generations!

Bbunter

122 posts

115 months

Sunday 21st September 2014
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I encountered a corker last night. I was stood at the bar next to a guy, who was talking to the bar staff about the tattoo on his arm. "Yeah, it's a winged dagger, we all have to have it done when we join the regiment". I coughed, but refrained from laughing. He turned to me and said "something up". I said "no the beer went down the wrong way". I said "that's a nice tattoo, which regiment were you with". Cue rolling eyes and "22nd regiment, mobility troop, it's SAS, but we call it the regiment". I said "okay,what was your service number". "V34465578". I burst out laughing, I couldn't help it. I pointed out that the insignia is a flame wreathed Excalibur, not a 'winged dagger'. Then I complimented him on the obvious success of his surgery, then I left.

knotweed

1,979 posts

175 months

Sunday 21st September 2014
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JimmyConwayNW said:
He went on holiday to Dubai and claimed someone fell into a water tank at the aquarium with a shark.
She was really fit so he jumped in to save her and strangled a shark with an eel.

Once he said no one would fight him in his home town of sandbach because he was so feared and notorious. To keep on top of his ultra bad persona he then had to show his strength. He knocked out a cow by kicking it in
The balls.

When putting up signs at Knowsley Safari park he was given closed access to the park. Using an l200 truck he was
Doing a few drifts and managed to drift it into a penguin. Chucked the penguin in the back and put it in a bin on the way home.
This is golden.

droopsnoot

11,809 posts

241 months

Monday 22nd September 2014
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JimmyConwayNW said:
He has allegedly used jet skis on the canal in middlewich, Cheshire before now also wink
Was he one of the lot that used to come and strap rockets to washing up liquid bottles in November and launch them along the canal? That used to happen every year outside our old building.

longblackcoat

5,047 posts

182 months

Monday 22nd September 2014
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About a decade back I worked as the no 2 in finance in a well-known FTSE250; when I joined I had a mainly excellent team reporting to me.

Except for one person. One guy – let’s call him Iqbal – joined just a few weeks before me, and was in charge of our payables. One of the peculiarities of our company was that we didn’t need a team to collect receivables, but we had a team of 30 to pay our bills to the myriad of suppliers. This was a pretty senior job, and Iqbal seemed to attack it with gusto. Lots of energy and enthusiasm, albeit not much finesse. One slightly strange thing was that he was a little over-qualified, being a Chartered Management Accountant.

After a few weeks I started to sense a whiff of BS. None of it was too obvious at first, but it built up:

The M5
Iqbal had an M5 at home, but drove a Toyota Corolla to work to avoid dents and mileage. I’ve done the same myself, so I didn’t think this strange, but when I asked whether it was the E34 or the E39 he looked a bit confused and said “it’s the 6-speed one”. I pointed out that whilst the all E39s were 6-speed, some of the later 3.8 E34s were also 6-speed …..after a slight wobble in his voice, he told me that his was the (non-existent) E39 Nurburg Special Edition. Bellst detectors started squawking in my mind.

So I asked him about the engine, and said I’d heard that it was the best six-cylinder engine BMW had made. Yep, he answered.

Bullst detectors were now on maximum - anyone with an M5 would know whether it was an E34 or E39, and how many cylinders it had. But just to check, I asked if his had the special factory-option water-cooled brakes. Apparently it did. After a bit of prompting, he regaled me with how it was used, the special button you had to use to operate it, the 70 litre tank in the boot which gave “enough cooling for a few Nurburgring laps at a decent pace”. Decent pace was Iqbal running 7’30” in his M5 on standard tyres, albeit with watercooled brakes. At this point my personal bullstometer just broke.

I don't have to tell you that this car was never seen at the office, and it's absence from his driveway was explained variously as "away for servicing" and "lent it to my brother."

The wife
Was a Pakistani princess from “one of the ruling tribes” and incredibly rich. I pointed out to him that my knowledge of Pakistan was hazy, but that it was (albeit in name) a democracy. “But it’s the tribes who run things, you know, and her father’s one of the sultans”, was the response. Might be true, might not. But I reckon it was cobblers.

The servant
He had someone from Pakistan who acted as his general servant and lived with them. “But you’ve not got a large house”, I said.

“He lives in the garden” was the response.

The police
He was a hobby bobby (and for some reason was very keen to show me all of the kit in his car). No idea whether this was true, but he took a lot of time off for ‘training courses’, and often left early because he had to be ready to be on shift. He was apparently involved in just about every violent incident in Hertfordshire at every weekend, but never got bruised or injured because he was a practitioner of krav manga and had introduced it to the instructors at Hendon.

By now I’d realised that he was a total fantasist, and I tried to avoid him – difficult when he was a direct report.

A few months later he came to see me and told me that he needed a pay rise because he’d been headhunted by the retail chain GAP, who were offering him 25% more than he was currently on. I asked him a bit about it, and he mentioned that he'd had the interview at their head office. He then made the fatal mistake of telling where this was - supposedly on a particular road in my town.

I knew that road well, and pointed out that I’d surely have seen their head office there.

“No, they don’t like to publicise their head office. It’s the activists, you see”

I must have looked utterly confused, because he then came out out with

“From the anti-gays. It's a gay company, set up by two queers. GAP stands for Gay And Proud, you know. So they keep the head office location very secret”

Quite where he’d got this bit of prime bullst from I don’t know, but I was just gobsmacked that this idiot thought that I’d swallow it. And it got me thinking about just how much he was bullstting and whether I could trust anything he said.

So I got hold of his CV, and started ringing up to get references. He had worked where he’d claimed to work, certainly, but the titles were very different. He’d not managed anyone, ever. He'd not had the pattern of upwards promotions he claimed to have had. Some of the positions simply didn't exist; he'd claimed to he Head Of Exports at a company who told me that they simply didnt export anything other than the occasional bit of mail order.

And then I thought I better check that his qualifications were legitimate. The A Level Certificates looked very dodgy – badly-copied and incredibly blurry, so that they could have said practically anything. I was suspicious but really not that bothered, and back in those days it was hard to check these things online.

Then I rang the university he’d studied at. Yes, he’d been there, but he got a 3rd, not the claimed 2.1.

And the Chartered Institute Of Management Accountants had not awarded him a qualification. In fact they had never heard of him; he'd never even registered as a student let alone taken any courses or passed any exams. I checked with the other accounting bodies as well, with the same result.

I took great joy in firing him.

soad

32,825 posts

175 months

Monday 22nd September 2014
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longblackcoat said:
The servant
He had someone from Pakistan who acted as his general servant and lived with them. “But you’ve not got a large house”, I said.

“He lives in the garden” was the response.
What, in a tent? laugh

longblackcoat

5,047 posts

182 months

Monday 22nd September 2014
quotequote all
soad said:
longblackcoat said:
The servant
He had someone from Pakistan who acted as his general servant and lived with them. “But you’ve not got a large house”, I said.

“He lives in the garden” was the response.
What, in a tent? laugh
Apparently in a shed! The hardest thing about managing this guy was controlling the laughter when he came out with mile-wide streaks of utter bks.

Countdown

39,688 posts

195 months

Monday 22nd September 2014
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longblackcoat said:
Except for one person. One guy – let’s call him Iqbal –

I took great joy in firing him.
rofl

I know many people like him but (perhaps like most BS) his BS appears to have random grains of truth in them. For example Pakistan (whilst being a nominal democracy) is in reality run by several large well-connected families. It's quite common for Expat Pakistanis to have servants (the ones who have moved to the UK send money back to their elders who have maids,drivers etc).

Anyway....CIMA....and pretending to be a proper accountant. Say no more biggrin

ETA - I've never met anybody "qualified" working in Accounts Payable. It would be like having a E63 estate just to do the weekly shop ?!?!?




aka_kerrly

12,415 posts

209 months

Monday 22nd September 2014
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HereBeMonsters said:
When I was about 8, I failed an assignment and was given detention for "making up" my story on what I did during the Easter holiday. I simply explained that my Grandfather had flown us all to Spain as he was a pilot, and I was in the cockpit, and got in trouble for fiddling so much with the rudder trim that they had to get a new heading for the airport from ATC.

My Grandad was a BA Captain at the time (and my UK guardian as my parents were overseas), and had to phone the school to explain that everything I said was indeed true.
Likewise when I was still in primary school we were asked to do a report on what we did over the summer holidays. I told everyone all about how I had seen a rocket launch and was able to go inside one on my birthday.

Yep, when I was a kid i went to Florida and visited the Kennedy Space Centre on a few occasions, but this particular visit was August 1991 and I did indeed see a Space Shuttle launch (one of 3 I've seen)

In terms of bullstters I went to school with a kid who constantly lied about how great a sportsman he was yet amazingly had so so many excuses for not having to participate in PE or performing really bad.

A large number of us were into mountain biking so this kid would tell us all about how he had been practising back flips and had mastered no handers and could wheelie all the way to school if he wanted (circa 5miles) Eventually we actually managed to see him out on his bike near a local jump spot.

Never have I seen such a pathetic attempt at a jump but but but , he had the wrong shoes on or some such.

I didn't see him for years after school then bumped into him in a local pub. He is still the same, only now it's all driving or job related bull, he has a twin turbo Audi A4 but it's not a S4 no, it's a custom made one. He out runs the cops in it all the time and it could pull 200mph between 1 motorway junction.

What it actually is is a 1997 2.6 v6 FWD A4 that at one stage in it's life was red but now it's a dull pink colour, he hasn't had a full time job in ages and ha 3 sprogs with a manbearpig.

dancole90

44 posts

124 months

Monday 22nd September 2014
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A guy who works as maintenance manager on one of the sites I regularly visit has done it all.

On the ferry back from France, in extremely stormy seas, he is called over the tannoy to report to any staff member, they quickly take him up to the bridge where the captain asks him if he can control the ferry back into dock as it was too rough for the captain.... he has no idea how they knew who he was or that he captained several oil tankers in time.

His late 90's Grand Cheroke which he's had since new was fitted with a prototype V12 which was developed for the Dodge Viper, he knows a cheif engineer in the US who said he's better than any of the design guys there and wanted one fitted so he could test the day in day out reliability of the motor. They never asked for it back so he's still going. He gets 65mpg on his way to work and thats only so low because he's booting it. The engine was never put into production because the power was too high for road use (1100bhp!!!!!)
Several months later he asked me if i'd go out with him in his lunch break to show him how to change the headlight bulbs.

Used to play golf with Rodger Moore until he was caught with Mr Moore's daughter, a fight broke out and the never got in touch again.

Thats a few of my favorites

All the other guys on site call bull every time but as they're a client, i sadly have to keep him sweet.


TobyLerone

1,128 posts

143 months

Monday 22nd September 2014
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I know a guy who is a bit odd. He works as a labourer, but is a skilled blacksmith, and good make good coin doing it, but chooses to move stuff for builders. His choice, but odd.

Anyway...

We both live in a rural area in Leicestershire, so his crazy BS stories are all out-doors related.

He has shot an owl out of a tree with a rocket launcher. He bought the rocket launcher off the Taliban, cause he's 'connected, innit' (he's not). There was no evidence because the owl disintegrated on impact, and because he's such a good shot, the tree was untouched.

He has shot a wild mongoose from 500m away with his silenced sniper shotgun (in Leicestershire). I know you can get silencers for shotguns, but he claims it's so efficient it's inaudible. Again, no evidence of this as he ate the mongoose afterwards. Everything. All of it. Bones and fur included.

He once force-fed a cow a lit stick of dynamite, and watched it blow up. Apparently cow-tipping is too boring, so he decided to blow one up.

He once knocked out a shire horse with one punch because it was looking at him funny while it had a piss.

He's a funny guy (to laugh at), if a bit delusional...

Philplop

341 posts

173 months

Monday 22nd September 2014
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When I was a student working at Morrisons we had a lad who came to work with us for a bit to prove to the Job Centre that he was willing to work in order to collect his dole money, or something like that. He'll have been about 18.

Told us he used to have an Impreza, but he crashed it, rolling it 8 times. When the police and fire brigade got there they'd found him unconscious, having gotten out of the car and walked a short distance before collapsing; still holding the steering wheel.

Obviously pleased with the mock-awe he received, he told us he'd also rolled a tank whilst he was in the army.

Many more bullst stories followed in his week's placement. I'm sure there was one of him jumping out of a plane and landing on the wing of another plane, and climbing inside it.

But the best was that he'd once designed an underground bunker for MI5. It was so top secret that he had to work in a vacuum so that no soundwaves could travel so no spies could listen in to what he was doing. Unfortunately he'd had to sign the official secrets act before starting the work, which obviously meant he couldn't put it on his CV, hence he was on the dole.

GC8

19,910 posts

189 months

Monday 22nd September 2014
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Jaldi said:
davhill said:
One of his was the tale of his having had a trip in a light aircraft, in which the tailplane control cables snapped. The pilot nursed it into the planned airfield. Now I'm no aeronautical expert but I know that, if any aircraft loses its tail end stuff, it will...

(a) Hurtle headlong into the ground.
(b) Climb uncontrollably, stall and hurtle headlong, etc.
Not always ....
United Airlines Flight 232
And several B-52s!


RyanTank

2,850 posts

153 months

Monday 22nd September 2014
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this thread is great for passing the time in work tonight!


Just count yourselves lucky that you don't have a thieving billy bullstter working with you like I do. or that he's your line manager and is making your life somewhat of a living nightmare after you've had enough of his constant fabrications and sticky fingers and called him out on his actions.

But imagine that this sticky bandit is very good at concealing his deeds of theft and is a master in the art of deflecting work not being done to others.

Now imagine that he is so far up the managements arse that they struggle to believe that he is as I've told them, and that I need cold hard proof before they can even consider looking into the allegations.

smileymikey

1,445 posts

225 months

Monday 22nd September 2014
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RyanTank said:
this thread is great for passing the time in work tonight!


Just count yourselves lucky that you don't have a thieving billy bullstter working with you like I do. or that he's your line manager and is making your life somewhat of a living nightmare after you've had enough of his constant fabrications and sticky fingers and called him out on his actions.

But imagine that this sticky bandit is very good at concealing his deeds of theft and is a master in the art of deflecting work not being done to others.

Now imagine that he is so far up the managements arse that they struggle to believe that he is as I've told them, and that I need cold hard proof before they can even consider looking into the allegations.
Webcam teddy/pen/book...for about thirty quid in low def


RyanTank

2,850 posts

153 months

Monday 22nd September 2014
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I'm considering it. cant put it on his desk or office tho, as its like a minimalists dream in there.

Often I don't know what he's likely to rob next as he has no pattern, things just go missing, things you'd not think he or anyone would need disappear, and its often not until you need it that you notice, or not until you notice him wearing/using the item a while later that you realise its missing!

He is however beginning to wear thin with other members of staff here who are noticing things missing every now and then.

I need to do something to protect myself as I'm the one always working with him, and have no doubt that if the bosses spot the number of missing items, work consistently not being done then I'm the one they will be pointed to as at fault.



smileymikey

1,445 posts

225 months

Monday 22nd September 2014
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Aaaaahh o.k

When you said things going missing and theft....I had in mind laptops going out the back door, suppliers being paid ten grand on dodgy invoices and a rampant cocaine habit?!?!?


In reality were talking about your high viz jacket and a staple gun...arent we