I work with a total bull¥$€#er!
Discussion
TobyLerone said:
He has shot an owl out of a tree with a rocket launcher. He bought the rocket launcher off the Taliban, cause he's 'connected, innit' (he's not). There was no evidence because the owl disintegrated on impact, and because he's such a good shot, the tree was untouched.
longblackcoat said:
About a decade back I worked as the no 2 in finance in a well-known FTSE250; when I joined I had a mainly excellent team reporting to me.
Except for one person. One guy – let’s call him Iqbal – joined just a few weeks before me, and was in charge of our payables. One of the peculiarities of our company was that we didn’t need a team to collect receivables, but we had a team of 30 to pay our bills to the myriad of suppliers. This was a pretty senior job, and Iqbal seemed to attack it with gusto. Lots of energy and enthusiasm, albeit not much finesse. One slightly strange thing was that he was a little over-qualified, being a Chartered Management Accountant.
After a few weeks I started to sense a whiff of BS. None of it was too obvious at first, but it built up:
The M5
Iqbal had an M5 at home, but drove a Toyota Corolla to work to avoid dents and mileage. I’ve done the same myself, so I didn’t think this strange, but when I asked whether it was the E34 or the E39 he looked a bit confused and said “it’s the 6-speed oneâ€. I pointed out that whilst the all E39s were 6-speed, some of the later 3.8 E34s were also 6-speed …..after a slight wobble in his voice, he told me that his was the (non-existent) E39 Nurburg Special Edition. Bells
t detectors started squawking in my mind.
So I asked him about the engine, and said I’d heard that it was the best six-cylinder engine BMW had made. Yep, he answered.
Bullst detectors were now on maximum - anyone with an M5 would know whether it was an E34 or E39, and how many cylinders it had. But just to check, I asked if his had the special factory-option water-cooled brakes. Apparently it did. After a bit of prompting, he regaled me with how it was used, the special button you had to use to operate it, the 70 litre tank in the boot which gave “enough cooling for a few Nurburgring laps at a decent paceâ€. Decent pace was Iqbal running 7’30†in his M5 on standard tyres, albeit with watercooled brakes. At this point my personal bullstometer just broke.
I don't have to tell you that this car was never seen at the office, and it's absence from his driveway was explained variously as "away for servicing" and "lent it to my brother."
The wife
Was a Pakistani princess from “one of the ruling tribes†and incredibly rich. I pointed out to him that my knowledge of Pakistan was hazy, but that it was (albeit in name) a democracy. “But it’s the tribes who run things, you know, and her father’s one of the sultansâ€, was the response. Might be true, might not. But I reckon it was cobblers.
The servant
He had someone from Pakistan who acted as his general servant and lived with them. “But you’ve not got a large houseâ€, I said.
“He lives in the garden†was the response.
The police
He was a hobby bobby (and for some reason was very keen to show me all of the kit in his car). No idea whether this was true, but he took a lot of time off for ‘training courses’, and often left early because he had to be ready to be on shift. He was apparently involved in just about every violent incident in Hertfordshire at every weekend, but never got bruised or injured because he was a practitioner of krav manga and had introduced it to the instructors at Hendon.
By now I’d realised that he was a total fantasist, and I tried to avoid him – difficult when he was a direct report.
A few months later he came to see me and told me that he needed a pay rise because he’d been headhunted by the retail chain GAP, who were offering him 25% more than he was currently on. I asked him a bit about it, and he mentioned that he'd had the interview at their head office. He then made the fatal mistake of telling where this was - supposedly on a particular road in my town.
I knew that road well, and pointed out that I’d surely have seen their head office there.
“No, they don’t like to publicise their head office. It’s the activists, you seeâ€
I must have looked utterly confused, because he then came out out with
“From the anti-gays. It's a gay company, set up by two queers. GAP stands for Gay And Proud, you know. So they keep the head office location very secretâ€
Quite where he’d got this bit of prime bullst from I don’t know, but I was just gobsmacked that this idiot thought that I’d swallow it. And it got me thinking about just how much he was bullstting and whether I could trust anything he said.
So I got hold of his CV, and started ringing up to get references. He had worked where he’d claimed to work, certainly, but the titles were very different. He’d not managed anyone, ever. He'd not had the pattern of upwards promotions he claimed to have had. Some of the positions simply didn't exist; he'd claimed to he Head Of Exports at a company who told me that they simply didnt export anything other than the occasional bit of mail order.
And then I thought I better check that his qualifications were legitimate. The A Level Certificates looked very dodgy – badly-copied and incredibly blurry, so that they could have said practically anything. I was suspicious but really not that bothered, and back in those days it was hard to check these things online.
Then I rang the university he’d studied at. Yes, he’d been there, but he got a 3rd, not the claimed 2.1.
And the Chartered Institute Of Management Accountants had not awarded him a qualification. In fact they had never heard of him; he'd never even registered as a student let alone taken any courses or passed any exams. I checked with the other accounting bodies as well, with the same result.
I took great joy in firing him.
How on earth did he get into your company in the first place with such shoddy certificates etc?Except for one person. One guy – let’s call him Iqbal – joined just a few weeks before me, and was in charge of our payables. One of the peculiarities of our company was that we didn’t need a team to collect receivables, but we had a team of 30 to pay our bills to the myriad of suppliers. This was a pretty senior job, and Iqbal seemed to attack it with gusto. Lots of energy and enthusiasm, albeit not much finesse. One slightly strange thing was that he was a little over-qualified, being a Chartered Management Accountant.
After a few weeks I started to sense a whiff of BS. None of it was too obvious at first, but it built up:
The M5
Iqbal had an M5 at home, but drove a Toyota Corolla to work to avoid dents and mileage. I’ve done the same myself, so I didn’t think this strange, but when I asked whether it was the E34 or the E39 he looked a bit confused and said “it’s the 6-speed oneâ€. I pointed out that whilst the all E39s were 6-speed, some of the later 3.8 E34s were also 6-speed …..after a slight wobble in his voice, he told me that his was the (non-existent) E39 Nurburg Special Edition. Bells
t detectors started squawking in my mind.So I asked him about the engine, and said I’d heard that it was the best six-cylinder engine BMW had made. Yep, he answered.
Bulls
t detectors were now on maximum - anyone with an M5 would know whether it was an E34 or E39, and how many cylinders it had. But just to check, I asked if his had the special factory-option water-cooled brakes. Apparently it did. After a bit of prompting, he regaled me with how it was used, the special button you had to use to operate it, the 70 litre tank in the boot which gave “enough cooling for a few Nurburgring laps at a decent paceâ€. Decent pace was Iqbal running 7’30†in his M5 on standard tyres, albeit with watercooled brakes. At this point my personal bullstometer just broke.I don't have to tell you that this car was never seen at the office, and it's absence from his driveway was explained variously as "away for servicing" and "lent it to my brother."
The wife
Was a Pakistani princess from “one of the ruling tribes†and incredibly rich. I pointed out to him that my knowledge of Pakistan was hazy, but that it was (albeit in name) a democracy. “But it’s the tribes who run things, you know, and her father’s one of the sultansâ€, was the response. Might be true, might not. But I reckon it was cobblers.
The servant
He had someone from Pakistan who acted as his general servant and lived with them. “But you’ve not got a large houseâ€, I said.
“He lives in the garden†was the response.
The police
He was a hobby bobby (and for some reason was very keen to show me all of the kit in his car). No idea whether this was true, but he took a lot of time off for ‘training courses’, and often left early because he had to be ready to be on shift. He was apparently involved in just about every violent incident in Hertfordshire at every weekend, but never got bruised or injured because he was a practitioner of krav manga and had introduced it to the instructors at Hendon.
By now I’d realised that he was a total fantasist, and I tried to avoid him – difficult when he was a direct report.
A few months later he came to see me and told me that he needed a pay rise because he’d been headhunted by the retail chain GAP, who were offering him 25% more than he was currently on. I asked him a bit about it, and he mentioned that he'd had the interview at their head office. He then made the fatal mistake of telling where this was - supposedly on a particular road in my town.
I knew that road well, and pointed out that I’d surely have seen their head office there.
“No, they don’t like to publicise their head office. It’s the activists, you seeâ€
I must have looked utterly confused, because he then came out out with
“From the anti-gays. It's a gay company, set up by two queers. GAP stands for Gay And Proud, you know. So they keep the head office location very secretâ€
Quite where he’d got this bit of prime bulls
t from I don’t know, but I was just gobsmacked that this idiot thought that I’d swallow it. And it got me thinking about just how much he was bullstting and whether I could trust anything he said.So I got hold of his CV, and started ringing up to get references. He had worked where he’d claimed to work, certainly, but the titles were very different. He’d not managed anyone, ever. He'd not had the pattern of upwards promotions he claimed to have had. Some of the positions simply didn't exist; he'd claimed to he Head Of Exports at a company who told me that they simply didnt export anything other than the occasional bit of mail order.
And then I thought I better check that his qualifications were legitimate. The A Level Certificates looked very dodgy – badly-copied and incredibly blurry, so that they could have said practically anything. I was suspicious but really not that bothered, and back in those days it was hard to check these things online.
Then I rang the university he’d studied at. Yes, he’d been there, but he got a 3rd, not the claimed 2.1.
And the Chartered Institute Of Management Accountants had not awarded him a qualification. In fact they had never heard of him; he'd never even registered as a student let alone taken any courses or passed any exams. I checked with the other accounting bodies as well, with the same result.
I took great joy in firing him.
northwest monkey said:
One of the best stories I ever heard was the chap (Jon Nichols?) that got shot down over Iraq (Gulf War v1).
He actually works in the Slough branch of Currys as a warehouse picker, sorry to disappoint.northwest monkey said:
I wish I'd recorded some of my Grandads stories before he passed away. He hadn't done anything particularly important like inventing the internet, or escaping from the Titanic,
I never met him, but my great, great, great uncle did invent the internet. Actually sorry no, he escaped from the Titanic. Got all his ships logs and stuff from it (That last bit is actually true.)I've got an 18yr old lad who has started working for us.
Any story that starts with 'my dad says' is most likely bullst.
Whenever me and business partner or anyone else hear him say 'my dad' we always ask 'who?' He hasn't twigged yet.
His dad can rebuild car engines with his bare hands and a screwdriver apparently. And mini motor bikes.
I have me this dad once and noticed he had a sparkly ear ring. Pretty sure it's on the gay side.
Any story that starts with 'my dad says' is most likely bulls
t.Whenever me and business partner or anyone else hear him say 'my dad' we always ask 'who?' He hasn't twigged yet.
His dad can rebuild car engines with his bare hands and a screwdriver apparently. And mini motor bikes.
I have me this dad once and noticed he had a sparkly ear ring. Pretty sure it's on the gay side.
longblackcoat said:
About a decade back I worked as the no 2 in finance in a well-known FTSE250; when I joined I had a mainly excellent team reporting to me.
Except for one person. One guy – let’s call him Iqbal – joined just a few weeks before me, and was in charge of our payables. One of the peculiarities of our company was that we didn’t need a team to collect receivables, but we had a team of 30 to pay our bills to the myriad of suppliers. This was a pretty senior job, and Iqbal seemed to attack it with gusto. Lots of energy and enthusiasm, albeit not much finesse. One slightly strange thing was that he was a little over-qualified, being a Chartered Management Accountant.
After a few weeks I started to sense a whiff of BS. None of it was too obvious at first, but it built up:
The M5
Iqbal had an M5 at home, but drove a Toyota Corolla to work to avoid dents and mileage. I’ve done the same myself, so I didn’t think this strange, but when I asked whether it was the E34 or the E39 he looked a bit confused and said “it’s the 6-speed one”. I pointed out that whilst the all E39s were 6-speed, some of the later 3.8 E34s were also 6-speed …..after a slight wobble in his voice, he told me that his was the (non-existent) E39 Nurburg Special Edition. Bellst detectors started squawking in my mind.
So I asked him about the engine, and said I’d heard that it was the best six-cylinder engine BMW had made. Yep, he answered.
Bullst detectors were now on maximum - anyone with an M5 would know whether it was an E34 or E39, and how many cylinders it had. But just to check, I asked if his had the special factory-option water-cooled brakes. Apparently it did. After a bit of prompting, he regaled me with how it was used, the special button you had to use to operate it, the 70 litre tank in the boot which gave “enough cooling for a few Nurburgring laps at a decent pace”. Decent pace was Iqbal running 7’30” in his M5 on standard tyres, albeit with watercooled brakes. At this point my personal bullstometer just broke.
I don't have to tell you that this car was never seen at the office, and it's absence from his driveway was explained variously as "away for servicing" and "lent it to my brother."
The wife
Was a Pakistani princess from “one of the ruling tribes” and incredibly rich. I pointed out to him that my knowledge of Pakistan was hazy, but that it was (albeit in name) a democracy. “But it’s the tribes who run things, you know, and her father’s one of the sultans”, was the response. Might be true, might not. But I reckon it was cobblers.
The servant
He had someone from Pakistan who acted as his general servant and lived with them. “But you’ve not got a large house”, I said.
“He lives in the garden” was the response.
The police
He was a hobby bobby (and for some reason was very keen to show me all of the kit in his car). No idea whether this was true, but he took a lot of time off for ‘training courses’, and often left early because he had to be ready to be on shift. He was apparently involved in just about every violent incident in Hertfordshire at every weekend, but never got bruised or injured because he was a practitioner of krav manga and had introduced it to the instructors at Hendon.
By now I’d realised that he was a total fantasist, and I tried to avoid him – difficult when he was a direct report.
A few months later he came to see me and told me that he needed a pay rise because he’d been headhunted by the retail chain GAP, who were offering him 25% more than he was currently on. I asked him a bit about it, and he mentioned that he'd had the interview at their head office. He then made the fatal mistake of telling where this was - supposedly on a particular road in my town.
I knew that road well, and pointed out that I’d surely have seen their head office there.
“No, they don’t like to publicise their head office. It’s the activists, you see”
I must have looked utterly confused, because he then came out out with
“From the anti-gays. It's a gay company, set up by two queers. GAP stands for Gay And Proud, you know. So they keep the head office location very secret”
Quite where he’d got this bit of prime bullst from I don’t know, but I was just gobsmacked that this idiot thought that I’d swallow it. And it got me thinking about just how much he was bullstting and whether I could trust anything he said.
So I got hold of his CV, and started ringing up to get references. He had worked where he’d claimed to work, certainly, but the titles were very different. He’d not managed anyone, ever. He'd not had the pattern of upwards promotions he claimed to have had. Some of the positions simply didn't exist; he'd claimed to he Head Of Exports at a company who told me that they simply didnt export anything other than the occasional bit of mail order.
And then I thought I better check that his qualifications were legitimate. The A Level Certificates looked very dodgy – badly-copied and incredibly blurry, so that they could have said practically anything. I was suspicious but really not that bothered, and back in those days it was hard to check these things online.
Then I rang the university he’d studied at. Yes, he’d been there, but he got a 3rd, not the claimed 2.1.
And the Chartered Institute Of Management Accountants had not awarded him a qualification. In fact they had never heard of him; he'd never even registered as a student let alone taken any courses or passed any exams. I checked with the other accounting bodies as well, with the same result.
I took great joy in firing him.
Some people might think this is racistExcept for one person. One guy – let’s call him Iqbal – joined just a few weeks before me, and was in charge of our payables. One of the peculiarities of our company was that we didn’t need a team to collect receivables, but we had a team of 30 to pay our bills to the myriad of suppliers. This was a pretty senior job, and Iqbal seemed to attack it with gusto. Lots of energy and enthusiasm, albeit not much finesse. One slightly strange thing was that he was a little over-qualified, being a Chartered Management Accountant.
After a few weeks I started to sense a whiff of BS. None of it was too obvious at first, but it built up:
The M5
Iqbal had an M5 at home, but drove a Toyota Corolla to work to avoid dents and mileage. I’ve done the same myself, so I didn’t think this strange, but when I asked whether it was the E34 or the E39 he looked a bit confused and said “it’s the 6-speed one”. I pointed out that whilst the all E39s were 6-speed, some of the later 3.8 E34s were also 6-speed …..after a slight wobble in his voice, he told me that his was the (non-existent) E39 Nurburg Special Edition. Bells
t detectors started squawking in my mind.So I asked him about the engine, and said I’d heard that it was the best six-cylinder engine BMW had made. Yep, he answered.
Bulls
t detectors were now on maximum - anyone with an M5 would know whether it was an E34 or E39, and how many cylinders it had. But just to check, I asked if his had the special factory-option water-cooled brakes. Apparently it did. After a bit of prompting, he regaled me with how it was used, the special button you had to use to operate it, the 70 litre tank in the boot which gave “enough cooling for a few Nurburgring laps at a decent pace”. Decent pace was Iqbal running 7’30” in his M5 on standard tyres, albeit with watercooled brakes. At this point my personal bullstometer just broke.I don't have to tell you that this car was never seen at the office, and it's absence from his driveway was explained variously as "away for servicing" and "lent it to my brother."
The wife
Was a Pakistani princess from “one of the ruling tribes” and incredibly rich. I pointed out to him that my knowledge of Pakistan was hazy, but that it was (albeit in name) a democracy. “But it’s the tribes who run things, you know, and her father’s one of the sultans”, was the response. Might be true, might not. But I reckon it was cobblers.
The servant
He had someone from Pakistan who acted as his general servant and lived with them. “But you’ve not got a large house”, I said.
“He lives in the garden” was the response.
The police
He was a hobby bobby (and for some reason was very keen to show me all of the kit in his car). No idea whether this was true, but he took a lot of time off for ‘training courses’, and often left early because he had to be ready to be on shift. He was apparently involved in just about every violent incident in Hertfordshire at every weekend, but never got bruised or injured because he was a practitioner of krav manga and had introduced it to the instructors at Hendon.
By now I’d realised that he was a total fantasist, and I tried to avoid him – difficult when he was a direct report.
A few months later he came to see me and told me that he needed a pay rise because he’d been headhunted by the retail chain GAP, who were offering him 25% more than he was currently on. I asked him a bit about it, and he mentioned that he'd had the interview at their head office. He then made the fatal mistake of telling where this was - supposedly on a particular road in my town.
I knew that road well, and pointed out that I’d surely have seen their head office there.
“No, they don’t like to publicise their head office. It’s the activists, you see”
I must have looked utterly confused, because he then came out out with
“From the anti-gays. It's a gay company, set up by two queers. GAP stands for Gay And Proud, you know. So they keep the head office location very secret”
Quite where he’d got this bit of prime bulls
t from I don’t know, but I was just gobsmacked that this idiot thought that I’d swallow it. And it got me thinking about just how much he was bullstting and whether I could trust anything he said.So I got hold of his CV, and started ringing up to get references. He had worked where he’d claimed to work, certainly, but the titles were very different. He’d not managed anyone, ever. He'd not had the pattern of upwards promotions he claimed to have had. Some of the positions simply didn't exist; he'd claimed to he Head Of Exports at a company who told me that they simply didnt export anything other than the occasional bit of mail order.
And then I thought I better check that his qualifications were legitimate. The A Level Certificates looked very dodgy – badly-copied and incredibly blurry, so that they could have said practically anything. I was suspicious but really not that bothered, and back in those days it was hard to check these things online.
Then I rang the university he’d studied at. Yes, he’d been there, but he got a 3rd, not the claimed 2.1.
And the Chartered Institute Of Management Accountants had not awarded him a qualification. In fact they had never heard of him; he'd never even registered as a student let alone taken any courses or passed any exams. I checked with the other accounting bodies as well, with the same result.
I took great joy in firing him.
Black Bear kills someone called Patel!!!!!!!!! Oh my God so racist, and on the BBC too! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-29319401
smileymikey said:
Aaaaahh o.k
When you said things going missing and theft....I had in mind laptops going out the back door, suppliers being paid ten grand on dodgy invoices and a rampant cocaine habit?!?!?
In reality were talking about your high viz jacket and a staple gun...arent we
Not quite as mundane as staplers and pens. When you said things going missing and theft....I had in mind laptops going out the back door, suppliers being paid ten grand on dodgy invoices and a rampant cocaine habit?!?!?
In reality were talking about your high viz jacket and a staple gun...arent we
So far I've noticed the following items missing among many,
A credit card machine
External hard drive (I've seen him using this since it's been missing, even though it's damaged in the same place as the missing one he insist it's his personal one that he bough exactly when we bough ours for the building)
Roughly £200 worth of Underarmour rugby clothing. I've seen him outside of work wearing some of it.
A brand new battery that only fits the cleaning machine we use,
A knackered exercise bike. It's of no use to anyone, and only kept for parts.
One replacement fork off a hydraulic pump truck!?
The last 3 items missing only myself, my big boss and stickybandit have acces to the store that they are being kept in.
Mr GrimNasty said:
Black Bear kills someone called Patel!!!!!!!!! Oh my God so racist, and on the BBC too! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-29319401
Multicultural racism and homophobia on the beeb?There's a guy I work with who, on his very first day, told us he was being investigated by MI5 (reason unknown), apparently he didn't have to finish his degree because of it. His University just gave him a 2:1.
Since then we've learnt that his dad can cure diabetes, invented the blood sugar monitor gizmo for diabetics and can pick a boiled egg straight out of the pan with his bare hands while still boiling.
His dad (all stories involve dad) is best friends with Fernando Alonso.
He's met all the heads of Al-qaeda (could be linked to the MI5 investigation).
There are so many stories the people at my girlfriends work now ask for regular updates.
Since then we've learnt that his dad can cure diabetes, invented the blood sugar monitor gizmo for diabetics and can pick a boiled egg straight out of the pan with his bare hands while still boiling.
His dad (all stories involve dad) is best friends with Fernando Alonso.
He's met all the heads of Al-qaeda (could be linked to the MI5 investigation).
There are so many stories the people at my girlfriends work now ask for regular updates.
Mr GrimNasty said:
Black Bear kills someone called Patel!!!!!!!!! Oh my God so racist, and on the BBC too! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-29319401
I'm genuinely confused - why is it racist?Is it because the bear is black (and ergo a violent dreadlocked gangsta type innit)or because he attacked an asian (ergo an immigrant who encroached on the bear's territory and refused to integrate type?)
Until I know which way this bandwagon is heading my pitchfork is staying where it is.
Countdown said:
I'm genuinely confused - why is it racist?
Is it because the bear is black (and ergo a violent dreadlocked gangsta type innit)or because he attacked an asian (ergo an immigrant who encroached on the bear's territory and refused to integrate type?)
Until I know which way this bandwagon is heading my pitchfork is staying where it is.
Is it because the bear is black (and ergo a violent dreadlocked gangsta type innit)or because he attacked an asian (ergo an immigrant who encroached on the bear's territory and refused to integrate type?)
Until I know which way this bandwagon is heading my pitchfork is staying where it is.
Olivera said:
We are definitely establishing a trend here, most bullsters have in common stories about either their dad or time in the army.
We need a bullsters have in common stories about either their dad or time in the army.t bingo sheet. When someone has said all of them you can kick them in the balls. My dad says
When i was in the SAS
My car can
When i worked at MI5
I invented that thing everyone uses
That time i strangled a shark with an electric eel.
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