I work with a total bull¥$€#er!

[omgus]

doogz said:

I know a guy that reckons the police pulled him over but let him off with doing 90 in a 40.

I was pulled in near Weymouth for a little over that in a 30 zone when i was 20.

It was 3am and the BiB told me that if i blew green he would give me the bking of all bkings and i could go, if i had even a touch of alcohol on my breath i was getting done.

Blew green, got yelled at for 10 minutes and then a further 10 minute bking for being an idiot then let go.

The only reason i had accelerated to that speed was because he'd been tailgating me, he told me he may have been too close when we were doing 30, but that was no excuse to do over 3 times that speed.

Lesson learnt, unmarked cars like to bait you occasionally, don't fking bite.

Cool story...etc

[9mm]

Vocal Minority said:

9mm said:

She has a shotgun licence and threatened her noisy neighbours with it.

Nothing shuts neighbours up like waving a piece of paper.

Yes it was a new one on me as well. I suppose taking the gun would have been bs too far, even for her.

[anonymous-user]

Trying hard not to sound like a cock, but I used to have a driver on Friday and Saturday nights who was ex forces.

This guy wasn't in the SAS, but he was in an attachment to the SAS?!

He told me about an unmarked Police M5 that he was test driving around the M25 at 175mph with the blues and two's on, he did the whole circuit in a record time apparently?

He also told me about the time he met the Queen, his regiment were stood to attention as the Queen walked along and acknowledged each of his comrades with a simple smile, but when she got to him she gave a 'alright Taff' comment and a wink.

And one of his best was the time that he was bundled out of his bed at 02:00 in the morning, taken to a black S Class Mercedes (with blues and two's of course) and told to drive the occupants as fast as he possibly could to a rendezvous point 100 miles away, apparently he was the only man suitable for the job that was available at the time. So after reaching speeds in excess of 160mph he eventually got to the destination where he was greeted by armed Royal protection guards.
After walking away from the smoking vehicle, it was literally smoking, the blacked out windows were lowered and Princess Diana thanked him for his fantastic driving.

Needless to say after his 4 or 5th time of driving me I asked the agency to send somebody else in future.

[Mr GrimNasty]

jas xjr said:

Asterix said:

northwest monkey said:

he was the getaway driver for the Triads

Excellent

You sure he was not the takeaway driver lol

My brother really did end up unwittingly working with the triads, his boss was called Suzy Wong, try relating that and not being called a liar!

[hidetheelephants]

98elise said:

Asterix said:

Naval tour of Afghanistan? That'll be interesting.

Could be SBS I suppose...

Boats are as useful as ships in a landlocked country

The boring and OT answer is that intelligence, medical, liaison, etc roles are filled with personnel from all three services, as we don't have the man power to not do it this way and it allows more flexibility.

[JonRB]

hidetheelephants said:

The boring and OT answer is that intelligence, medical, liaison, etc roles are filled with personnel from all three services, as we don't have the man power to not do it this way and it allows more flexibility.

Yes, but that wouldn't be funny.

(To slightly misquote Roger Rabbit)



Edit:
Also, the SBS are easily as hard as the SAS, and don't need water to be double-hard bds.

[Scooby84]

I know where you are coming from.

My work colleague :

A former paratrooper and Ex-SAS.
Borrowed his mates Corvette and crashed it through his garage.
His Astra 1.9 CDTI is a one off Factory special with Twin Turbos.
Claims he has had 163 MPH out of it on the M54. Whilst his mate who is a traffic copper let him do it and could not keep up.
Was earning £19k a week as a welder on piece work.
Used to be directly employed by Bill Gates to re-build computers.
Was an extra on Full Metal Jacket.
Owns a wine vineyard in France, 50/50 share between him and rally driver Didier Auriol.
Used to have a DB9 company car.

[Pickled]

With the amount of ex-sas guys there are, surely we should just recall them all, the war on terror would be over in less than 5 minutes.

[northwest monkey]

Mr GrimNasty said:

jas xjr said:

Asterix said:

northwest monkey said:

he was the getaway driver for the Triads

Excellent

You sure he was not the takeaway driver lol

My brother really did end up unwittingly working with the triads, his boss was called Suzy Wong, try relating that and not being called a liar!

Maybe the lad I know wasn't a bullstter then

[extraT]

RyanTank said:

My works Billybullstter has just gone full retard mode after I confronted him!!

Bit of back story-
We work a shift pattern here and it involves working weekends together, well mine and Billy's fall the weekend before Christmas, obviously everyone is keen to book this date off if it falls on them. so I put my annual leave request in last month after seeing no request next to Billy's name on the rota. But my boss tells me I cant have it as Billy asked for it first, back in July!
So I casually mention to him (again) that when he puts leave in to note it on the rota, he has a habit of not putting it down and its pissing everyone off as they think its free until the the boss says Billy has already asked for it. So he looks confused over the date and claims to not need it any more, but will double check with his wife.
I get no answer off him for a week so ask him again and he says that he does now need it as his wife has booked a surprise weekend away to Benidorm that date, but didn't want to tell him really, as you know, its a surprise weekend away for a date he should have been working?! So I accept this excuse and inform the misses that we cant do the Christmas trip with her family (thankyoujeezuz). and that was it until last week and now today.

So last week the email comes round that the girls in work do want to have a Christmas party after all and that this weekend is now the only date they can think of, so the email comes around and Billy replies saying that he can make it and is really looking forward to a good drink with them.
So I casually drop in that he's not going away with the wife now to Benidorm then, and hope he's managed to get his money back on the trip. He looks confused, then simply goes errrm, yeah, were not doing that now.
About an hour later he emails round again saying that he now cant make it as his brother will be home from the Navy for Christmas and that he now needs to spend time with him. (he's previously stated that his brother has just been deployed on a 9month tour of Afghan and the middle east so wont see him until the middle of next year as they've been told no leave during this tour).

Then this morning he tipped me over the edge, and I snapped, we were sat with another member of staff who was saying he was looking forward to Christmas as his baby is due and he cant wait to have all the time off to spend with it.
Billy pipes up with the fact he cant wait to have it off too as he has jack st planned, but has stocked up on crates of beer and intends to spend the 4 weeks before he comes back to work continuously drunk and watch films.
So I ask what's happening to spending time with his brother? He panic replies that they've argued and his brother has cancelled his leave so is staying out on tour!
I pretty much said to him then "FFS! will you decide one piece of bullst and stick to it!!" at that point as if pre planned his phone rings and he runs off to answer it.

So now because he just wants to be drunk for 4 weeks I am stuck with this stty pattern - off 5, on 2, off 2, closed for Christmas then, instead of being off all the way through to Christmas.
And this prick has 4 weeks off straight! 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after as it falls nicely for him into the new year!

He has come back into the office twice so far, sat down for 5 minute and gone to say something before running out again.
I think I've broken him somehow as he isn't speaking to anyone and keeps hiding places to avoid contact!?

So, I work shifts, it's difficult sometimes, but I have a good team and we all get on well....well, all of us, apart from this one guy, ...

Anyway, I asked for my Christmas holiday back in July, the boss said he would confirm and get back to me, which, predictiably, he never did. Anyway, in the mean time I have had all kinds of family issues. The Mrs booked a surprise holiday, a romantic treat. But we have been going through a rough patch and we decided to cancel. Obviously, I kept this quiet. I didnt want everyone to know my business. But this one guy wouldnt let the holiday thing drop and kept bringing it up at every opportunity!

But, I did have some good news, my bro (who is in the Navy, out in Afghanistan as part of Operation Herrick, was told there was no leave, but was informed last week it might be possible! I know, what are the chances!!

Too bad I wont be able to go out with the boys and girls from work, I was looking forward to it!

Anyway, fast forward a few days later, and I have had a huge, and I mean HUGE argument with my bro. He wont be coming home for xmas. I do feel pretty bad about it, to be honest.

So, what was meant to be a mega xmas, has all fallen to pieces, what rotten luck to have. Oh, and this bd at work wont shut up about it, just keeps rubbing my nose in it!

(That took far to long to type for a joke, sorry RyanTank!)

[kowalski655]

hidetheelephants said:

98elise said:

Asterix said:

Naval tour of Afghanistan? That'll be interesting.

Could be SBS I suppose...

Boats are as useful as ships in a landlocked country

The boring and OT answer is that intelligence, medical, liaison, etc roles are filled with personnel from all three services, as we don't have the man power to not do it this way and it allows more flexibility.

There must be rivers out there,perhaps this:

is his brother's boat?

[Spare tyre]

Scooby84 said:

I know where you are coming from.

My work colleague :

A former paratrooper and Ex-SAS.
Borrowed his mates Corvette and crashed it through his garage.
His Astra 1.9 CDTI is a one off Factory special with Twin Turbos.
Claims he has had 163 MPH out of it on the M54. Whilst his mate who is a traffic copper let him do it and could not keep up.
Was earning £19k a week as a welder on piece work.
Used to be directly employed by Bill Gates to re-build computers.
Was an extra on Full Metal Jacket.
Owns a wine vineyard in France, 50/50 share between him and rally driver Didier Auriol.
Used to have a DB9 company car.

Brilliant

What do you both do job wise

[Scooby84]

Spare tyre said:

Brilliant

What do you both do job wise

Pressbrake setter/operators. We form components for a Historic, British and expensive cooker company.

Forgot to mention he keeps Claymore mines in his shed. Has a special explosives licence and handgun licence.
Also stabbed someone in a pub until his intestines were poking through.

Edited by Scooby84 on Thursday 27th November 21:24

[mph1977]

Asterix said:

Naval tour of Afghanistan? That'll be interesting.

Could be SBS I suppose...

what trade?

an anaesthestist of my acquaintance is a Navy Doc and did 6 months on MERT , as have significant numbers of other naval Meical personnel

then there are all the navalbods attached to RM formations ( the RM doesn;t have all the trades i nthe commando force ORBAT it borrows people tri service to fill these roles) or the Support helicopter forces

[Zoobeef]

mph1977 said:

Asterix said:

Naval tour of Afghanistan? That'll be interesting.

Could be SBS I suppose...

what trade?

an anaesthestist of my acquaintance is a Navy Doc and did 6 months on MERT , as have significant numbers of other naval Meical personnel

then there are all the navalbods attached to RM formations ( the RM doesn;t have all the trades i nthe commando force ORBAT it borrows people tri service to fill these roles) or the Support helicopter forces

The other thing being that the RM are Navy anyway.

[hidetheelephants]

Zoobeef said:

mph1977 said:

Asterix said:

Naval tour of Afghanistan? That'll be interesting.

Could be SBS I suppose...

what trade?

an anaesthestist of my acquaintance is a Navy Doc and did 6 months on MERT , as have significant numbers of other naval Meical personnel

then there are all the navalbods attached to RM formations ( the RM doesn;t have all the trades i nthe commando force ORBAT it borrows people tri service to fill these roles) or the Support helicopter forces

The other thing being that the RM are Navy anyway.

Them's fighting words!

[mph1977]

hidetheelephants said:

Zoobeef said:

mph1977 said:

Asterix said:

Naval tour of Afghanistan? That'll be interesting.

Could be SBS I suppose...

what trade?

an anaesthestist of my acquaintance is a Navy Doc and did 6 months on MERT , as have significant numbers of other naval Meical personnel

then there are all the navalbods attached to RM formations ( the RM doesn;t have all the trades i nthe commando force ORBAT it borrows people tri service to fill these roles) or the Support helicopter forces

The other thing being that the RM are Navy anyway.

Them's fighting words!

Muggles din't underdtand the subtly of The Naval Service vs. The Navy...

[9mm]

hora said:

9mm said:

From memory, that one was connected to one of her key fantasies that she was some kind of sex goddess. I honestly can't remember with any certainty but I think a high percentage of these boyfriends were also multi-millionaires who had lavished fortunes on her. She lived in a one bed flat in East Grinstead. One thing I've just remembered was how much of an attention seeker she was. She invited some of the other girls round to her flat one night and a couple of hours into the evening had some kind of massive seizure/fitting episode. She was taken to the hospital, major drama all round, but turned up right as rain at work the following morning with some story about it being a rare virus that the doctors at the hospital had never seen before but she had 'rare blood' which was particularly effective at fighting it. Anyone else would have died.

The sort of girl who would claim rape (detracting from genuine victims) I bet.

Certainly full blown bunny boiler material. Like a lot of these people, she was reasonably plausible on first acquaintance.

Is there a name for what's obviously some sort of mental disorder? Other than the Walter Mitty tag. The bit that always gets me is the gulf between the fantasy and reality, like when someone claims to have skippered superyachts for Russian oligarchs (whilst doubling as their bodyguard) but clearly knows nothing about boats and runs away at the first hint of confrontation.

We knew one guy at the pub who was comedy gold but someone who went back to his flat found evidence he was really quite ill. For example, various bits of random broken electronic equipment cobbled together with string that performed miracle functions such as providing a satellite link to clandestine government agencies. They're usually single too. The female I've been describing could get men no problem (she was quite attractive) but couldn't keep them, so was always either in the early stages of a relationship or looking to meet someone. As we know, just about any female can get a bloke if she isn't too fussy but it isn't so easy for blokes, even ex SAS, if they look anything like the oddballs I've known..

[ATV]

There was a PH'er who got exposed for doing this.

I can't recall his ID but some enterprising (aka scary) PH'ers did some digging and exposed him. He tried to fob it off a "a bit of trolling" but it was all a bit sad.

I seem to recall he'd also lied about his appearance, as though he was some 6' 5 rugby-playing, company director, Patek-wearing hard man.

Then somebody found a picture and uploaded it



This is exactly how you'd expect a bullstter to look. Small man, wearing a second hand Rolex (only he was actually given this by Paul Newman on his deathbed, not bought it off eBay like you'd think) drinking sparkling wine (you can't see the Cristal bottle because Kanye has just taken it away to have sex with some groupies off-camera), wearing a diamond ring (he fought for control over some blood diamond mines in DRC with Andy McNab last year), sitting next to some quality pussy (this same cat was used as Blofeld's cat in all of the Bond films and MGM paid him £25,000 per day for the filming. The cat is now in the Guinness Book of World Records as the oldest wealthiest cat in the world)

[AstonZagato]

roboxm3 said:

"yeah I once had a Fiat 500 with a Lambo engine"

Here's mine (might be a fib)