Affair - hating it but can't see to disconnect (help)

Affair - hating it but can't see to disconnect (help)

Author
Discussion

otolith

55,899 posts

203 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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Volition said:
I feel so sorry for your wife. I am a women and I would want to know if my husband was cheating on me, even though it would absolutely destroy me. I think your wife needs to know, but then you will lose her too.
"Need" and "want" are not always the same thing. If my wife had cheated on me I would certainly want to know, but what good would come of it?

Volition

227 posts

135 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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otolith said:
"Need" and "want" are not always the same thing. If my wife had cheated on me I would certainly want to know, but what good would come of it?
She needs to know to realise that the man she married hasn't committed to his vows. Then it is her choice to stay with him or not. Why should it be the OP's choice to not tell her?

Edited to add: At least you would have the decision to stay or go, and you should have the right to do that giving the circumstances.


Edited by Volition on Monday 15th September 12:44

stuart-b

3,643 posts

225 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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If you are going to do what you did; you have to make sure you don't break all the rules, which you did.

You don't have the type of mentality it takes to stay detached - some people manage it just fine. Once you get attached you can kiss goodbye to your old life. How can things get better with your Mrs when you're mentally with someone else?

There are people that can manage it - you can't, move on, don't ruin your family.

By the way, watch this show


otolith

55,899 posts

203 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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If he's not going to do it again, what does it benefit her to know?

Volition

227 posts

135 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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otolith said:
If he's not going to do it again, what does it benefit her to know?
It was the OP's choice to have the affair. It should be up to his wife if she stays or goes. It benefits her to know that her husband is a lying scumbag that has the ability to be deceitful. Every person should have the benefit of knowing this info if they put their trust in someone else who can betray them, particularly if married.

Monkeylegend

26,226 posts

230 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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otolith said:
If he's not going to do it again, what does it benefit her to know?
Well it does give her the choice of deciding if she wants to stay with a cheating partner or not, and asking him to be tested for any STD. Who knows what he might have caught from FB.

DrDoofenshmirtz

15,184 posts

199 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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Peskybear said:
Do I need to focus on this sex addiction?
Obvious troll is now obviously obvious.


FFS.

otolith

55,899 posts

203 months

Monday 15th September 2014
quotequote all
Volition said:
It was the OP's choice to have the affair. It should be up to his wife if she stays or goes. It benefits her to know that her husband is a lying scumbag that has the ability to be deceitful. Every person should have the benefit of knowing this info if they put their trust in someone else who can betray them, particularly if married.
Assuming that the OP sincerely wishes to make a go of his relationship and behave himself - do you think she and her child will have a happier future if she knows?

Volition

227 posts

135 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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otolith said:
Assuming that the OP sincerely wishes to make a go of his relationship and behave himself - do you think she and her child will have a happier future if she knows?
It's sad to say that I understand the point you're trying to make - ignorance is bliss and all that.

However I still think she should know. She may not have a happier future if she finds out, but having said this she may have a happier future. I know a lady who was cheated on with a young child. It destroyed her world and she ended the relationship. She is now with a really good bloke and years later she is happy.

My point is that the OP made a choice. It should now be the choice of his wife as to whether she stays or goes. She may be extremely unhappy and may never meet someone or get over it, or years down the line she may be happier away from a cheating deceitful husband. It is her choice and it's not up to the OP to take that away from her, considering what he has done.


Peskybear

Original Poster:

18 posts

182 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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Volition said:
accept the pain of the FB shagging another bloke is nowhere near the pain you have inflicted on your wife.

Agree, that is by far a bigger crime.


I don't know how all this started. I never went into this with intent or malice. I don't know how I ended up in this situation. Its worse than death by a thousand knives. I was talking to a good friend recently who mentioned he gives a work colleague lifts home sometimes and he mentioned shes quite cute. I stopped him dead in his thinking and confessed/explained everything. How I'm always rushing everywhere, snapping/losing my temper over stupid stuff, drinking too much, not seeing my daughter or partner anywhere near enough in the day. How it literally is putting me in a coffin.

would I tell my partner? No. I'd rather just walk out and live like a lonely idiot than unload hell onto her.

Not all 'cheaters' are cocksure, smarmy nasty people. Some are just bloody idiots.

beanbag

7,346 posts

240 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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I'm sure he'll do it again. The fact that he hasn't really offered one ounce of remorse in this entire thread just means he feels a little guilty so he's going to go back with his wife life nothing happened and when things get boring again, he'll be off fking anything that walks or shows any interest in him.

It's vile.

Unless you've been on the receiving end as a victim of this, it's hard to understand quite how much damage it does to the person you are cheating in (if they find out....and they will....in time).

Cheaters get so wrapped up in their sorrow and "problems", they totally forget about the person they're really hurting.

Ultimately unless Peskybear shows any remorse and has the balls to just own up to his ways, he'll carry on and I hope he learns the hard way.

boyse7en

6,671 posts

164 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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Volition said:
It's sad to say that I understand the point you're trying to make - ignorance is bliss and all that.

However I still think she should know. She may not have a happier future if she finds out, but having said this she may have a happier future. I know a lady who was cheated on with a young child. It destroyed her world and she ended the relationship. She is now with a really good bloke and years later she is happy.

My point is that the OP made a choice. It should now be the choice of his wife as to whether she stays or goes. She may be extremely unhappy and may never meet someone or get over it, or years down the line she may be happier away from a cheating deceitful husband. It is her choice and it's not up to the OP to take that away from her, considering what he has done.
A long time ago, me and my missus knew (very well) a couple who split up after he was found to be having an affair. The wife had been looking through his emails/phone etc then followed him etc.
We were discussing it, about how they had seemed happy and got on well together before she started investigating it.

I decided then that, if my missus is/was having an affair, I didn't want to know about it. I love her the way she is, and if it took an affair to make her the person she is, then that was that.
If I knew about it I would have to do something about it, and our relationship would never be the same. So I will never go through her phone/emails whatever to see if she is having an affair.

It's kind of hard to get across on paper - it sounds like I don't mind here having an affair, which isn't the case.

Studio117

4,250 posts

190 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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I think affairs are like drink driving. Most people won't stop until they get caught.

jshell

11,006 posts

204 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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Blib said:
http://www.slaauk.org/

Question 2 of "The 40 Questions for Self-Diagnosis" is a doozy, OP. yes

Edited by Blib on Friday 12th September 13:33
Looks like a target-rich environment for the serial shagger...

jshell

11,006 posts

204 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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boyse7en said:
A long time ago, me and my missus knew (very well) a couple who split up after he was found to be having an affair. The wife had been looking through his emails/phone etc then followed him etc.
We were discussing it, about how they had seemed happy and got on well together before she started investigating it.

I decided then that, if my missus is/was having an affair, I didn't want to know about it. I love her the way she is, and if it took an affair to make her the person she is, then that was that.
If I knew about it I would have to do something about it, and our relationship would never be the same. So I will never go through her phone/emails whatever to see if she is having an affair.

It's kind of hard to get across on paper - it sounds like I don't mind here having an affair, which isn't the case.
Good post. In my industry there are loads of guys who work away from home and would prefer not to know. Particularly ship's crews.

Me, I'd want to know.

boyse7en

6,671 posts

164 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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jshell said:
Good post. In my industry there are loads of guys who work away from home and would prefer not to know. Particularly ship's crews.

Me, I'd want to know.
Thanks.
I was worried that it might come across wrong. I can quite understand why you would want to know, but i think that the loss I would endure should I find out would be worse than the not knowing. In my case, ignorance is bliss.

Blimey, look. Two people with opposing viewpoints who can respect those views. You sure we're still on PH?

Peskybear

Original Poster:

18 posts

182 months

Monday 15th September 2014
quotequote all
beanbag said:
I'm sure he'll do it again. The fact that he hasn't really offered one ounce of remorse in this entire thread just means he feels a little guilty so he's going to go back with his wife life nothing happened and when things get boring again, he'll be off fking anything that walks or shows any interest in him.

It's vile.

Unless you've been on the receiving end as a victim of this, it's hard to understand quite how much damage it does to the person you are cheating in (if they find out....and they will....in time).

Cheaters get so wrapped up in their sorrow and "problems", they totally forget about the person they're really hurting.

Ultimately unless Peskybear shows any remorse and has the balls to just own up to his ways, he'll carry on and I hope he learns the hard way.
You are kidding? I've gone grey prematurely, I drink too much now and I eat really bad food and I tear myself up daily about this. I hate myself for getting into this situation and my weakness of ending it sooner and getting out. I'm full of regret, remorse and the most painful guilt. Guilt only happens if you feel like you have wronged someone. The fact that the guilt is crushing me and overpowering says (to me) that I really do cherish my partner and feel like utter st for what I've done.

If I didn't feel guilty then I obviously had no feelings for my partner.

Like I said. I'm not telling her anything. I'd rather leave and concentrate on being a good dad and pay above and beyond the minimum CSA payments as I'm in the wrong.

As I said earlier- this is putting me into an early coffin/grave.

On the above post. Me too. If my partner had an affair and I found out (this thinking becomes before I started cheating) I'd like to think I'd forgive my partner, understand why she did and what I could do differently.



boobles

15,241 posts

214 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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Yeah of course you would forgive her! rolleyes

Peskybear

Original Poster:

18 posts

182 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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boobles said:
Yeah of course you would forgive her! rolleyes
I'd like to think I would. Whether I would actually who knows? As I said my head has been so mixed up- hence the post where I mentioned being highly sex/does this mean I should get it elsewhere still.

Deep down I'm a good person. Hence why this is tormenting me. My partner deserves alot better.

jshell

11,006 posts

204 months

Monday 15th September 2014
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boyse7en said:
Blimey, look. Two people with opposing viewpoints who can respect those views. You sure we're still on PH?
Avoiding all of the Scotland Independence threads, of course!