Affair - hating it but can't see to disconnect (help)
Discussion
To be honest, I don't know you so I won't slate you too much (ok I did in a previous post)
But I truely believe that you will never be over this until you man up to it & tell your partner what has happened. You have a high "sex drive" & I fear that you will only look else where again because up until now you have got away with it. It will become like a drug & the more & more you do it & get away with it, the more you WILL do it. I can't see any other way around this other than to be honest to the person you are ultimately hurting the most.
But I truely believe that you will never be over this until you man up to it & tell your partner what has happened. You have a high "sex drive" & I fear that you will only look else where again because up until now you have got away with it. It will become like a drug & the more & more you do it & get away with it, the more you WILL do it. I can't see any other way around this other than to be honest to the person you are ultimately hurting the most.
boobles said:
To be honest, I don't know you so I won't slate you too much (ok I did in a previous post)
But I truely believe that you will never be over this until you man up to it & tell your partner what has happened. You have a high "sex drive" & I fear that you will only look else where again because up until now you have got away with it. It will become like a drug & the more & more you do it & get away with it, the more you WILL do it. I can't see any other way around this than to be honest to the person you are ultimately hurting the most.
In the past 15yrs I've only slept with two women (my partner and this woman). I don't think I will anymore - I can see the hassle and pain its doing to me.But I truely believe that you will never be over this until you man up to it & tell your partner what has happened. You have a high "sex drive" & I fear that you will only look else where again because up until now you have got away with it. It will become like a drug & the more & more you do it & get away with it, the more you WILL do it. I can't see any other way around this than to be honest to the person you are ultimately hurting the most.
In addition, I don't know why I'm defending myself. If I was reading such a thread I'd be calling me/the poster a class A
(as my bestmate did). Peskybear said:
In the past 15yrs I've only slept with two women (my partner and this woman). I don't think I will anymore - I can see the hassle and pain its doing to me.
In addition, I don't know why I'm defending myself. If I was reading such a thread I'd be calling me/the poster a class A.
Can't remember but have you finished it with the other person?In addition, I don't know why I'm defending myself. If I was reading such a thread I'd be calling me/the poster a class A
. What happenes if she decides to hold you over a barrel or contacts your partner?
Peskybear said:
You are kidding? I've gone grey prematurely, I drink too much now and I eat really bad food and I tear myself up daily about this. I hate myself for getting into this situation and my weakness of ending it sooner and getting out. I'm full of regret, remorse and the most painful guilt. Guilt only happens if you feel like you have wronged someone. The fact that the guilt is crushing me and overpowering says (to me) that I really do cherish my partner and feel like utter st for what I've done.
If I didn't feel guilty then I obviously had no feelings for my partner.
Like I said. I'm not telling her anything. I'd rather leave and concentrate on being a good dad and pay above and beyond the minimum CSA payments as I'm in the wrong.
As I said earlier- this is putting me into an early coffin/grave.
On the above post. Me too. If my partner had an affair and I found out (this thinking becomes before I started cheating) I'd like to think I'd forgive my partner, understand why she did and what I could do differently.
You're never going to convince people on here that you are remorseful and, frankly, why should you bother...?t for what I've done. If I didn't feel guilty then I obviously had no feelings for my partner.
Like I said. I'm not telling her anything. I'd rather leave and concentrate on being a good dad and pay above and beyond the minimum CSA payments as I'm in the wrong.
As I said earlier- this is putting me into an early coffin/grave.
On the above post. Me too. If my partner had an affair and I found out (this thinking becomes before I started cheating) I'd like to think I'd forgive my partner, understand why she did and what I could do differently.
There will always be people who adopt the 'holier-than-thou' attitude, those who have never made a mistake in their lives and are perfect people. Ignore it and concentrate on what is right by your family and you.
As mentioned earlier, I cheated once. I regretted it, kept it quiet, promised to never do it again, lived with the guilt and spent the rest of our relationship making up for it.
Karma caught up with me in the end though; she cheated on me about 4 years later. I forgave her (remembering what I had done) and tried to rescue our relationship. It was doomed to fail though, we weren't right for each other.
I learnt a lot though and I would never do anything like that again. Hopefully you will take the same from your mistakes and try to make amends. No everybody who has an affair turns into a serial adulterer; although I do know a few...
I hope you can fix it mate, your family deserve a better kind of man in their lives. Try and be that.
Peskybear said:
You are kidding? I've gone grey prematurely, I drink too much now and I eat really bad food and I tear myself up daily about this. I hate myself for getting into this situation and my weakness of ending it sooner and getting out. I'm full of regret, remorse and the most painful guilt. Guilt only happens if you feel like you have wronged someone. The fact that the guilt is crushing me and overpowering says (to me) that I really do cherish my partner and feel like utter st for what I've done.
If I didn't feel guilty then I obviously had no feelings for my partner.
Like I said. I'm not telling her anything. I'd rather leave and concentrate on being a good dad and pay above and beyond the minimum CSA payments as I'm in the wrong.
As I said earlier- this is putting me into an early coffin/grave.
On the above post. Me too. If my partner had an affair and I found out (this thinking becomes before I started cheating) I'd like to think I'd forgive my partner, understand why she did and what I could do differently.
No one gives a st for what I've done. If I didn't feel guilty then I obviously had no feelings for my partner.
Like I said. I'm not telling her anything. I'd rather leave and concentrate on being a good dad and pay above and beyond the minimum CSA payments as I'm in the wrong.
As I said earlier- this is putting me into an early coffin/grave.
On the above post. Me too. If my partner had an affair and I found out (this thinking becomes before I started cheating) I'd like to think I'd forgive my partner, understand why she did and what I could do differently.
t how you feel. If you take steps to end the affair and stop feeling sorry for yourself then you might get a more positive response.boobles said:
To be honest, I don't know you so I won't slate you too much (ok I did in a previous post)
But I truely believe that you will never be over this until you man up to it & tell your partner what has happened. You have a high "sex drive" & I fear that you will only look else where again because up until now you have got away with it. It will become like a drug & the more & more you do it & get away with it, the more you WILL do it. I can't see any other way around this other than to be honest to the person you are ultimately hurting the most.
While I have no doubt there are people out there who fit that description (my mate being one), this isn't the case for everybody.But I truely believe that you will never be over this until you man up to it & tell your partner what has happened. You have a high "sex drive" & I fear that you will only look else where again because up until now you have got away with it. It will become like a drug & the more & more you do it & get away with it, the more you WILL do it. I can't see any other way around this other than to be honest to the person you are ultimately hurting the most.
Adultery isn't a drug, it's a symptom of a bigger problem; usually that something is missing from a relationship. In this case, sex.
The OP needs to speak to his wife, but about the issues in their relationship more than admitting an affair. If he truly realises that he has f
ked up and makes amends, then surely that is a better outcome than blowing a family apart?The Beaver King said:
While I have no doubt there are people out there who fit that description (my mate being one), this isn't the case for everybody.
Adultery isn't a drug, it's a symptom of a bigger problem; usually that something is missing from a relationship. In this case, sex.
The OP needs to speak to his wife, but about the issues in their relationship more than admitting an affair. If he truly realises that he has fked up and makes amends, then surely that is a better outcome than blowing a family apart?
But what if the other person decides to spill the beans?Adultery isn't a drug, it's a symptom of a bigger problem; usually that something is missing from a relationship. In this case, sex.
The OP needs to speak to his wife, but about the issues in their relationship more than admitting an affair. If he truly realises that he has f
ked up and makes amends, then surely that is a better outcome than blowing a family apart?Peskybear said:
would I tell my partner? No. I'd rather just walk out and live like a lonely idiot than unload hell onto her.
Not all 'cheaters' are cocksure, smarmy nasty people. Some are just bloody idiots.
OP sounds like you are thinking about leaving your wife. If you left her what excuse would you give? It would equally pain her to think you left her for no reason, when in fact it's because you had an affair. Not all 'cheaters' are cocksure, smarmy nasty people. Some are just bloody idiots.
Now regardless of whether you stay or go, do you not see the benefit in telling her? Do you not think she has a right to know?
You say you don't want to hurt her, which I find ironic considering the situation. I think you're just not man enough to tell her due to your own selfish reasons.
Personally I don't understand how this is really eating at you because you've been having the affair for years. If it was a one off one night stand I could feel your remorse and guilt, but you've been having sex with two women. How on earth can you make love to your wife knowing you are banging someone else? I really don't believe that your level of guilt and regret is eating up at you, otherwise this would have ended a very long time ago.
boobles said:
The Beaver King said:
While I have no doubt there are people out there who fit that description (my mate being one), this isn't the case for everybody.
Adultery isn't a drug, it's a symptom of a bigger problem; usually that something is missing from a relationship. In this case, sex.
The OP needs to speak to his wife, but about the issues in their relationship more than admitting an affair. If he truly realises that he has fked up and makes amends, then surely that is a better outcome than blowing a family apart?
But what if the other person decides to spill the beans?Adultery isn't a drug, it's a symptom of a bigger problem; usually that something is missing from a relationship. In this case, sex.
The OP needs to speak to his wife, but about the issues in their relationship more than admitting an affair. If he truly realises that he has f
ked up and makes amends, then surely that is a better outcome than blowing a family apart?ked...boyse7en said:
A long time ago, me and my missus knew (very well) a couple who split up after he was found to be having an affair. The wife had been looking through his emails/phone etc then followed him etc.
We were discussing it, about how they had seemed happy and got on well together before she started investigating it.
I decided then that, if my missus is/was having an affair, I didn't want to know about it. I love her the way she is, and if it took an affair to make her the person she is, then that was that.
If I knew about it I would have to do something about it, and our relationship would never be the same. So I will never go through her phone/emails whatever to see if she is having an affair.
It's kind of hard to get across on paper - it sounds like I don't mind here having an affair, which isn't the case.
I find your point very interesting. I guess if you go snooping for excuses to not trust your partner than you don't. Looking through emails etc means you lack trust in the first instance and might stumble on something you don't like. Your post contradicts itself though. You say that you love your wife the way she is and if it took an affair to make her who she is then you would accept that, yet you wouldn't want to know! Why would you not want to know? Not everyone has to do something about it in a negative way. If you think she is the person she is because of an affair and you love her then surely knowing or not knowing should have the same outcome? I'm just curious :-)We were discussing it, about how they had seemed happy and got on well together before she started investigating it.
I decided then that, if my missus is/was having an affair, I didn't want to know about it. I love her the way she is, and if it took an affair to make her the person she is, then that was that.
If I knew about it I would have to do something about it, and our relationship would never be the same. So I will never go through her phone/emails whatever to see if she is having an affair.
It's kind of hard to get across on paper - it sounds like I don't mind here having an affair, which isn't the case.
Peskybear said:
You are kidding? I've gone grey prematurely, I drink too much now and I eat really bad food and I tear myself up daily about this. I hate myself for getting into this situation and my weakness of ending it sooner and getting out. I'm full of regret, remorse and the most painful guilt. Guilt only happens if you feel like you have wronged someone. The fact that the guilt is crushing me and overpowering says (to me) that I really do cherish my partner and feel like utter st for what I've done.
If I didn't feel guilty then I obviously had no feelings for my partner.
Like I said. I'm not telling her anything. I'd rather leave and concentrate on being a good dad and pay above and beyond the minimum CSA payments as I'm in the wrong.
As I said earlier- this is putting me into an early coffin/grave.
On the above post. Me too. If my partner had an affair and I found out (this thinking becomes before I started cheating) I'd like to think I'd forgive my partner, understand why she did and what I could do differently.
You say all this but are still asking us if you should have a sex only relationship to deal with your so called sex addiction.t for what I've done. If I didn't feel guilty then I obviously had no feelings for my partner.
Like I said. I'm not telling her anything. I'd rather leave and concentrate on being a good dad and pay above and beyond the minimum CSA payments as I'm in the wrong.
As I said earlier- this is putting me into an early coffin/grave.
On the above post. Me too. If my partner had an affair and I found out (this thinking becomes before I started cheating) I'd like to think I'd forgive my partner, understand why she did and what I could do differently.
Monkeylegend said:
You say all this but are still asking us if you should have a sex only relationship to deal with your so called sex addiction.
Its because when I think of this woman I still feel a urge(?) of lust. I'm misunderstanding and confused by the thought. Its thoroughly clouding my judgement. As I said even my bestmate has had a real go at me. Monkeylegend said:
You say all this but are still asking us if you should have a sex only relationship to deal with your so called sex addiction.
Exactly. He's full of s*!t. The only reason he doesn't want to tell his wife is for purely selfish reasons . It's not because he doesn't want her to endure the pain. He's scared she'll kick him to the kerb and he'll be left with his boring bimbo of a FB.Peskybear said:
Its because when I think of this woman I still feel a urge(?) of lust. I'm misunderstanding and confused by the thought. Its thoroughly clouding my judgement. As I said even my bestmate has had a real go at me.
You're going to feel like that about most hot women, no? Other men probably do too, but it doesn't mean they give into their urge. You really ought to grow up if it's just a sexual thing. You're not in love with this women!Volition said:
Exactly. He's full of s*!t. The only reason he doesn't want to tell his wife is for purely selfish reasons . It's not because he doesn't want her to endure the pain. He's scared she'll kick him to the kerb and he'll be left with his boring bimbo of a FB.
On reading the thread I agree with this comment. The OP is more worried about what will happen to him than he is with what will happen to his wife, the other woman (who must shoulder some of the blame as I doubt she thought him a free agent) and most importantly his child.Volition said:
You say that you love your wife the way she is and if it took an affair to make her who she is then you would accept that, yet you wouldn't want to know! Why would you not want to know? Not everyone has to do something about it in a negative way. If you think she is the person she is because of an affair and you love her then surely knowing or not knowing should have the same outcome? I'm just curious :-)
I think that if I knew, it would gnaw away at me. Knowing she was not really at pottery class, and thinking about what she is doing, is a world away from not checking that she is at pottery class.There is also a sense of egotism (not sure that is the right word). If I knew, then I would assume that other people knew, and I would feel a fool in front of my friends.
I'm not sure. It's all pretty hypothetical really... i think
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