Affair - hating it but can't see to disconnect (help)
Discussion
boyse7en said:
I think that if I knew, it would gnaw away at me. Knowing she was not really at pottery class, and thinking about what she is doing, is a world away from not checking that she is at pottery class.
There is also a sense of egotism (not sure that is the right word). If I knew, then I would assume that other people knew, and I would feel a fool in front of my friends.
I'm not sure. It's all pretty hypothetical really... i think
I know where you come from and agree with your posts on this.There is also a sense of egotism (not sure that is the right word). If I knew, then I would assume that other people knew, and I would feel a fool in front of my friends.
I'm not sure. It's all pretty hypothetical really... i think
boyse7en said:
I think that if I knew, it would gnaw away at me. Knowing she was not really at pottery class, and thinking about what she is doing, is a world away from not checking that she is at pottery class.
There is also a sense of egotism (not sure that is the right word). If I knew, then I would assume that other people knew, and I would feel a fool in front of my friends.
I'm not sure. It's all pretty hypothetical really... i think
I think when it comes to it the hurt and betrayal kills any other feelings of love. I am a firm believer that if you don't have trust in the relationship you don't have anything. It's so sad people have affairs, continuing to play away from home and their loved ones are none the wiser. There is also a sense of egotism (not sure that is the right word). If I knew, then I would assume that other people knew, and I would feel a fool in front of my friends.
I'm not sure. It's all pretty hypothetical really... i think
Volition said:
It's so sad people have affairs, continuing to play away from home and their loved ones are none the wiser.
But that is my point. I want to be none the wiser.This came about because somebody earlier in the thread suggested that they would inform the wife of the OP's affair. If I was in that position (of being cheated on, for want of a better expression), I would really, really not want anyone to tell me about it. If I knew about it, I might feel i have to do something about it. If they keep quiet, I can go on enjoying my life happy in blissful ignorance.
boyse7en said:
If I was in that position (of being cheated on, for want of a better expression), I would really, really not want anyone to tell me about it. If I knew about it, I might feel i have to do something about it. If they keep quiet, I can go on enjoying my life happy in blissful ignorance.
It is for this very reason I did NOT inform the wife of the bloke that was shagging my Mrs when I found out.Peskybear said:
You are kidding? I've gone grey prematurely, I drink too much now and I eat really bad food and I tear myself up daily about this. I hate myself for getting into this situation and my weakness of ending it sooner and getting out. I'm full of regret, remorse and the most painful guilt. Guilt only happens if you feel like you have wronged someone. The fact that the guilt is crushing me and overpowering says (to me) that I really do cherish my partner and feel like utter s
t for what I've done.
If I didn't feel guilty then I obviously had no feelings for my partner.
Like I said. I'm not telling her anything. I'd rather leave and concentrate on being a good dad and pay above and beyond the minimum CSA payments as I'm in the wrong.
As I said earlier- this is putting me into an early coffin/grave.
On the above post. Me too. If my partner had an affair and I found out (this thinking becomes before I started cheating) I'd like to think I'd forgive my partner, understand why she did and what I could do differently.
I think the reason is some people are questioning if you actually being remorseful, not that you feel guilty. And the reason is because you seem to be talking pretty much the whole time about how bad it is making you feel, not her. Look back over that last post and see how many times you mention how it's making you feel, and how it would make her feel? That's why some people think you're only doing it for yourself, so that you don't feel bad due to the guilt (not for her, at least not for her as the first priority).t for what I've done. If I didn't feel guilty then I obviously had no feelings for my partner.
Like I said. I'm not telling her anything. I'd rather leave and concentrate on being a good dad and pay above and beyond the minimum CSA payments as I'm in the wrong.
As I said earlier- this is putting me into an early coffin/grave.
On the above post. Me too. If my partner had an affair and I found out (this thinking becomes before I started cheating) I'd like to think I'd forgive my partner, understand why she did and what I could do differently.
Peskybear said:
Hi. A longtime ago I created a login and forgot about it to post about something else incognito, I obviously didn't want to enter my real details so randomly typed something. No idea but I tried creating a login last week and it remembered an email address that I was going to use from previous so I did a password recovery. Bingo.
So. The outing? What would that achieve apart from maliciously playing judge and jury on someone that you've never met? Interesting, the internet isn't it?
Not that it is an ok thing to do, but it's a bit ironic that you're saying other people are nasty when you're the person cheating? Obviously both are wrong, but surely it's better not to get on a high horse judging others. I guess one of the main things to learn from this is that you're not as good as you thought, and everyone makes stupid mistakes. If you start thinking about making things better for her, and not to make yourself feel less bad then it can start to make things better. I think most people come across moment(s) like that, where they do something they don't think they could have done. It's about realizing that and making sure it doesn't happen again.So. The outing? What would that achieve apart from maliciously playing judge and jury on someone that you've never met? Interesting, the internet isn't it?
Contrary to what people say here my old man said that in this situation it is far harder to keep such things to yourself; end the affair and pretend like it didn't happen to your wife.
This is to protect your family as you don't want the kids to suffer. In 'the old days' telling the woman was the easy way out. As a man who made the decision to cheat you need to live with it, deal with it and be a better dad and husband. Put it behind you and treat your family properly.
At least that's how they used to do it (so I'm told)
We had one family incident where the man was shagging a young thing for a while. His wife found out when the other woman got pregnant and he had to finally admit it.
She said to him-if you think I'm leaving you after all these years of supporting you and your business, so I've got a pot to piss in, you've got another thing coming. She understood why he did it, made him pay for child support AND still provide for her. She made him pay for his mistakes and get on with it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that perhaps the easy way out is to sob your heart out. An alternatove is to learn to deal with your actions
This is to protect your family as you don't want the kids to suffer. In 'the old days' telling the woman was the easy way out. As a man who made the decision to cheat you need to live with it, deal with it and be a better dad and husband. Put it behind you and treat your family properly.
At least that's how they used to do it (so I'm told)
We had one family incident where the man was shagging a young thing for a while. His wife found out when the other woman got pregnant and he had to finally admit it.
She said to him-if you think I'm leaving you after all these years of supporting you and your business, so I've got a pot to piss in, you've got another thing coming. She understood why he did it, made him pay for child support AND still provide for her. She made him pay for his mistakes and get on with it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that perhaps the easy way out is to sob your heart out. An alternatove is to learn to deal with your actions
Peskybear said:
I am a regular user (hope this is ok mods? I will NOT use this login again for another other thread or topic).
A few years ago I started seeing a woman at a city company. It was fun. The illicit nature of the sex skewered my thinking (I'll comeback to this later).
Anyway- I was happy with my longterm partner but then started working for this company, alittled bored the flirting started and tbh it got out of hand and we became 'fk buddies'. An arrangement- the sex of course was amazing because of the nature. Of course it'd be more intense. It started skewering my thinking, making me think 'hey sex at home is ok but not as amazing as this'.
We got on well but outside of work we really didn't have anything in common. She doesn't like any sports, doesn't really have any interests, doesn't do anything active at all, just likes pub lunches and watching American TV. Anyway her partner left her and then the mental thoughts started. Should I leave my partner for her? The last few years have been utterly st, but I can't let her move on. The sex completely stopped months ago. Whenever we went out - it'd just be crap, food would be crap- its almost like every aspect is saying 'this is crap'. Yet for some reason I feel insanely jealous at the thought of her with someone else. I was a good person but now? I don't know- looking 'down'/into myself I just feel like a selfish possessive loser.
Tell me- talk to me. My best friend has already had a go at me.
Why can't I let it go? Anyone else been in the same situation?
Lesson- if you are the sensitive type NEVER enter an affair and/or fkbuddy set up.
Men have enough blood to run both their brain and penis simultaneously. Head to the blood bank - You need a top up.A few years ago I started seeing a woman at a city company. It was fun. The illicit nature of the sex skewered my thinking (I'll comeback to this later).
Anyway- I was happy with my longterm partner but then started working for this company, alittled bored the flirting started and tbh it got out of hand and we became 'f
k buddies'. An arrangement- the sex of course was amazing because of the nature. Of course it'd be more intense. It started skewering my thinking, making me think 'hey sex at home is ok but not as amazing as this'. We got on well but outside of work we really didn't have anything in common. She doesn't like any sports, doesn't really have any interests, doesn't do anything active at all, just likes pub lunches and watching American TV. Anyway her partner left her and then the mental thoughts started. Should I leave my partner for her? The last few years have been utterly s
t, but I can't let her move on. The sex completely stopped months ago. Whenever we went out - it'd just be crap, food would be crap- its almost like every aspect is saying 'this is crap'. Yet for some reason I feel insanely jealous at the thought of her with someone else. I was a good person but now? I don't know- looking 'down'/into myself I just feel like a selfish possessive loser. Tell me- talk to me. My best friend has already had a go at me.
Why can't I let it go? Anyone else been in the same situation?
Lesson- if you are the sensitive type NEVER enter an affair and/or f
kbuddy set up. boyse7en said:
Volition said:
It's sad to say that I understand the point you're trying to make - ignorance is bliss and all that.
However I still think she should know. She may not have a happier future if she finds out, but having said this she may have a happier future. I know a lady who was cheated on with a young child. It destroyed her world and she ended the relationship. She is now with a really good bloke and years later she is happy.
My point is that the OP made a choice. It should now be the choice of his wife as to whether she stays or goes. She may be extremely unhappy and may never meet someone or get over it, or years down the line she may be happier away from a cheating deceitful husband. It is her choice and it's not up to the OP to take that away from her, considering what he has done.
A long time ago, me and my missus knew (very well) a couple who split up after he was found to be having an affair. The wife had been looking through his emails/phone etc then followed him etc.However I still think she should know. She may not have a happier future if she finds out, but having said this she may have a happier future. I know a lady who was cheated on with a young child. It destroyed her world and she ended the relationship. She is now with a really good bloke and years later she is happy.
My point is that the OP made a choice. It should now be the choice of his wife as to whether she stays or goes. She may be extremely unhappy and may never meet someone or get over it, or years down the line she may be happier away from a cheating deceitful husband. It is her choice and it's not up to the OP to take that away from her, considering what he has done.
We were discussing it, about how they had seemed happy and got on well together before she started investigating it.
I decided then that, if my missus is/was having an affair, I didn't want to know about it. I love her the way she is, and if it took an affair to make her the person she is, then that was that.
If I knew about it I would have to do something about it, and our relationship would never be the same. So I will never go through her phone/emails whatever to see if she is having an affair.
It's kind of hard to get across on paper - it sounds like I don't mind here having an affair, which isn't the case.
OP, if you havent broken things off with the FB, in the words of the great Arnie, Do It Now!
This is the easier of the two decisions you're pawing over. After that, you're on your own pal, but frankly the pen is mightier than the sword - the pen being that you should've talked to your partner about your concerns before dipping your sword in a FB. All you did was run away and latched onto the first person who showed an interest in you.
You haven't actually said "much", everything you have said seems to be just repeated from stuff you said previously. Frankly the fact you needed to post this on an internet forum says way more than anything else...
I have nothing else to say. Adieu and good luck.
Spanglepants said:
I'd say so - not only is he living with someone they have a child together. Its deceitful and disrespectful to his child as well.
Oh I long for a traditional and utopian world where people make commitments, were honest and trust worthy, and the child lives with both parents, who are married. back in the real world, people follow their base animal instincts and s
t on the rest of the world. Pit Pony said:
Oh I long for a traditional and utopian world where people make commitments, were honest and trust worthy, and the child lives with both parents, who are married.
back in the real world, people follow their base animal instincts and st on the rest of the world.
You can be committed to a relationship without having to validate it with a piece of legalised paper. If there's deception then it's cheating no matter whether you share a surname or not.back in the real world, people follow their base animal instincts and s
t on the rest of the world. Pesky why are you avoiding answering questions?
It was you who came on here for advice but asoon as something is asked like "when was the last time you slept with the bit on the side" you seem to ignore it & move on....
I fear that this guy is a serial cheater who can not bring himself to stop....
It was you who came on here for advice but asoon as something is asked like "when was the last time you slept with the bit on the side" you seem to ignore it & move on....
I fear that this guy is a serial cheater who can not bring himself to stop....
Pit Pony said:
Spanglepants said:
I'd say so - not only is he living with someone they have a child together. Its deceitful and disrespectful to his child as well.
Oh I long for a traditional and utopian world where people make commitments, were honest and trust worthy, and the child lives with both parents, who are married. back in the real world, people follow their base animal instincts and s
t on the rest of the world. beanbag said:
Pit Pony said:
Spanglepants said:
I'd say so - not only is he living with someone they have a child together. Its deceitful and disrespectful to his child as well.
Oh I long for a traditional and utopian world where people make commitments, were honest and trust worthy, and the child lives with both parents, who are married. back in the real world, people follow their base animal instincts and s
t on the rest of the world. 
boobles said:
Pesky why are you avoiding answering questions?
It was you who came on here for advice but asoon as something is asked like "when was the last time you slept with the bit on the side" you seem to ignore it & move on....
I fear that this guy is a serial cheater who can not bring himself to stop....
The last time was 6months ago. I'm not a serial cheater. The last time I kissed/did anything with a different woman to my partner was 14yrs ago. A serial cheater would be out there nailing more than two woman in 14yrs. It was you who came on here for advice but asoon as something is asked like "when was the last time you slept with the bit on the side" you seem to ignore it & move on....
I fear that this guy is a serial cheater who can not bring himself to stop....
A development:
The good news for me is this other woman has now registered online for dating. Thank god. I feel my obligation to her has ended. I'm finding out more about myself (and realising more in this muddle)- over all these years I've 'stayed' in this vicious loop with her partly due to the break up with her fella and felt almost obliged (in part) to keep this going. Now she has broken the loop with this I feel myside of any sort of commitment (what a word? Can it be used here?) is gone. I don't owe her anything, or even loyalty. I will keep decorum and professional. I think this is the best way on so many levels. I imagine now she is in a scrabble to get away from this mess/car crash as fast as possible. I just don't want to hear about any of her conquests I guess. I'd love it if the first guy she met idolised her and no t
ts applied but then, we are blokes aren't we? Some good, some users. craig_m67 said:
Can you describe her eyebrows to us please.
.. and cue the mental wrath and vindictiveness of woman scorned on cartridge 2, followed by well bloody hell I didn't see that coming on cart 3, thanks
Not sure? I do know that shes probably used a 6yr old photo of herself as its the photo that she uses that for bloody everything! .. and cue the mental wrath and vindictiveness of woman scorned on cartridge 2, followed by well bloody hell I didn't see that coming on cart 3, thanks
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