Thinking of leaving the OH

[DoTheRightThing]

Regular PHer here, sorry for using a pseudonym but all very raw and personal.

I've read a number of threads over the years and marvelled at the way PH can be somewhere those of us that aren't great at talking can vent or share personal things and hopefully get some support. I hope to be treated more like Abitdown and less like that chap that got castigated for admitting to cheating on his wife a few weeks back.....

Anyway, I'm in a horrible situation. I have a 18month year old daughter whom I love dearly and is the centre of my world. I have a beautiful, caring, patient and sensitive fiancé who loves me unconditionally and I know will stand by me until the end of our times. I have a large joint mortgage and a life with this women that is interwoven and has been built together.

But I am no longer IN love with this women, I don't think I am anyway. I feel myself tense when she shows physical affection and have found myself even turning my cheek when she attempts to kiss me. I can take or leave sex with her. We have talked, and she has convinced herself it's just some sort of phase and wants to push on with more kids, marriage etc etc - I am not so sure this is wise. I feel incredible protective of her and wish to look after her but that spark of excitement and desire appears to be absent.

To complicate matters a women from my past has recently featured in my life more and the level of passion and emotion we share is hard to put into words. Intellectually she challenges me and stretches me and I think I find this incredibly refreshing and nourishing. She has signalled her desire to take things further, even moving to be with me and giving up a top salary in London to do so.

I feel sick. I feel like if I stay where I am currently I will always wonder what could have been and possibly grow to resent my fiancé. Or simply live a kind of half existence where I have outwardly nothing at all to complain about but inwardly am looking for something quite different.
I feel that if I leave I will be ruining my fiancés life, depriving my daughter of the secure and stable environment I enjoyed as a child, and removing the opportunity for her to enjoy siblings, family Christmas', family holidays.... it's just too much to bear and brings me to a juddering and tearful halt.

I can't draw on my usual support groups of family and friends as I just don't feel I'm getting impartial opinions - they have all universally warned me off developing my relationship with this other women and universally think the sun shines out of my OHs backside - which it does. She is an amazing mother, cooks, cleans, ensures I have ironed shirts come Monday and host of other clichéd home-making abilities that our society appears to hold dear.
My mother adores her, my brothers and their wife's adore her. She cares for the very sick and asks for little in return. So the mere mention of my unhappiness is met with consternation and disbelief. If I were to leave my fiancé I would be a pariah, my family would look on in disgust, her family who have been nothing but kind to me would be appalled. Society would no doubt judge me harshly and I would be racked with guilt. It would destroy her. I was brought up to value relationships. My mother and father stayed together until my fathers untimely death and I feel their influence strongly in this matter.

Perhaps it is simply my duty to put my daughter and fiancé first and cast this other woman (and life) aside. But something about that feels wrong. You only get one go at this life.

I am really unhappy right now.

I know this is the lounge and I'm asking for it by posting here but PLEASE spare me the popcorn memes etc. It feels like my life is on the brink of destruction.

Thanks for listening anyway.

[glasgowrob]

hmmm, sounds like you really fancy the idea of the forbidden pasty. if you value your relationship with both fiancée and daughter then make a go of it,

talk to her, tell her your worries and fears and if need be get some relationship counselling.

[NiceCupOfTea]

How would you feel about her with a new bloke, bringing up your kid?

Having kids is exhausting, chances are you have not been making an effort or thinking about her as anything other than a mother. Try it before you make a rash decision.

[RedWhiteMonkey]

I'm going to be very blunt with my advice.

Stay, unless you can live with the guilt of fking someone over and walking out on your child. As for the old "friend", stop thinking with your dick.

Edited by RedWhiteMonkey on Tuesday 30th September 12:55

[duffy78]

7 year itch?

[TIGA84]

You have an 18 month old.

Do not underestimate how hard this has been for both of you whether you realise it or not.

Talk to people that are paid to help you and don't be afraid to do so.

ETA - I didn't read the bit about the other woman.

Advice on that?

Imagine in 10/11/12 years time on a supervised weekend visit and explaining to her why you abandoned her and her mother when she was a baby - then watch her hate you for the rest of your life.

Should provide you with some clarity.

Edited by TIGA84 on Tuesday 30th September 12:57

[FredClogs]

MTFU, who ever said life was going to make you happy?

If you want a relationship that keeps you excited and puts a chill down your spine, if you want a mistress that will keep you on your toes and leave you never knowing whether you'll survive till bed time - then buy a motorbike.

[DoTheRightThing]

Thinking about her with a new man and him reading my little girl bed time stories makes my face feel hot. It is rage inducing but should I expect anything different?... I don't know if tapping into that emotion (possessiveness?) is useful or potentially damaging in swaying me the wrong direction.

OH has talked of counselling but I have so far dismissed the idea that counselling can bring back a spark or feeling of desire - if its gone its gone no?

[Soov535]

Do. Not. Go. There.

Don't.

Not ever.

When you had a child, your life ceased to be about YOU. That part is done with. You are a lucky man to be where you are. Look at what you HAVE. Have a f*****g word with yourself, frankly.

I GUARANTEE that if you leave, you will regret it, when your daughter is being brought up by some other bloke, who is living in the house you pay for and sleeping with your partner in the bed you assembled. It'll be even worse when your daughter hates you and won't have anything to do with you, and CALLS HIM DADDY.

At the end of the day, the grass looks greener. It's bl00dy not. Days of chasing pussy are done with, m8 - gone.

Make a go of it with your partner and think yourself lucky.

Don't throw three lives away for the sake of "posh w'nk".



GET A fkING GRIP.

Edited by Soov535 on Tuesday 30th September 12:59

[arfur sleep]

so did the other woman arrive before or after you decided you weren't in love with your partner?

[Soov535]

TIGA84 said:

You have an 18 month old.

Do not underestimate how hard this has been for both of you whether you realise it or not.

Talk to people that are paid to help you and don't be afraid to do so.

ETA - I didn't read the bit about the other woman.

Advice on that?

Imagine in 10/11/12 years time on a supervised weekend visit and explaining to her why you abandoned her and her mother when she was a baby - then watch her hate you for the rest of your life.

Should provide you with some clarity.

Edited by TIGA84 on Tuesday 30th September 12:57

Elegantly put.

As I said, have a f****g word with yourself.

[hman]

If the other lady hadn't got in contact would you have still been looking for someone else?

Are your recent feelings towards your OH because the lady from the mists of time re-appeared?

Does the lady from the mists of time know that she will be breaking up a "happy" home?

Do you want to be with someone who is prepared to cause such utter devastation on your current domestic situation (after all what has the forbidden fruit got to lose?)

For me - this one has AVOID written all over it , not least because in about 6 months your daughter will be interacting with you in a really big way and you will forget about outside temptations as you are going to be very busy!

Good luck what ever you choose though.

[DoTheRightThing]

Soov535 said:

TIGA84 said:

You have an 18 month old.

Do not underestimate how hard this has been for both of you whether you realise it or not.

Talk to people that are paid to help you and don't be afraid to do so.

ETA - I didn't read the bit about the other woman.

Advice on that?

Imagine in 10/11/12 years time on a supervised weekend visit and explaining to her why you abandoned her and her mother when she was a baby - then watch her hate you for the rest of your life.

Should provide you with some clarity.

Edited by TIGA84 on Tuesday 30th September 12:57

Elegantly put.

As I said, have a f****g word with yourself.

I understand the point you are both making - in different ways!

I trust my current partner not to create distance between me and my daughter whatever the outcome. We are simply not the types to use her as a pawn. I would base myself as near as possible and still be bathing and doing the school run.

But can I really just go through the motions with a woman I increasingly find myself loving like a dear friend or relation....

[AyBee]

Soov535 said:

Do. Not. Go. There.

Don't.

Not ever.

When you had a child, your life ceased to be about YOU. That part is done with. You are a lucky man to be where you are. Look at what you HAVE. Have a f*****g word with yourself, frankly.

I GUARANTEE that if you leave, you will regret it, when your daughter is being brought up by some other bloke, who is living in the house you pay for and sleeping with your partner in the bed you assembled. It'll be even worse when your daughter hates you and won't have anything to do with you, and CALLS HIM DADDY.

At the end of the day, the grass looks greener. It's bl00dy not. Days of chasing pussy are done with, m8 - gone.

Make a go of it with your partner and think yourself lucky.

Don't throw three lives away for the sake of "posh w'nk".



GET A fkING GRIP.

What this man said.

[Some Gump]

OP,

Woman from the past is "past" for a damn good reason.

Sure, you can use "Man maths" style thought processes to make the other woman seem like it'd be mint, but you secretly know that after 2 years it'd be "normal" not this temporary flush of new.

Having a bairn is really stressful, and changes a lot. You say yourself that she's your world - don't rip hers apart based on a fantasy that won't come true. All couples go through phases - there are bad times and they get better again. Remember what got you 2 together in the first place? Try to encourage that situation again. It may well be something else that is getting you down, and you're turning it into thoughts on her subconsciously.

I've been with wor lass for 9 years, and in that time we've had 2 really ste times where it's all gone a bit squiffy for a while. The first patch was solved by me changing job, the second by us moving house. It sounds in your post that you still really like your lass, but the spark has gone - is it because you don't have time to flirt / go out together? Does it mean that it's all too easy to just fit yourselves in when you can?

Obviously I don't know you but I'd be making an effort to put some "just the 2 of us" time together and make sure it's a proper date. She needs to get dressed up etc, and you have to put the effort in.

TL;DR? People say the grass is always greener, it rarely is.

[RedWhiteMonkey]

DoTheRightThing said:

I understand the point you are both making - in different ways!

I trust my current partner not to create distance between me and my daughter whatever the outcome. We are simply not the types to use her as a pawn. I would base myself as near as possible and still be bathing and doing the school run.

But can I really just go through the motions with a woman I increasingly find myself loving like a dear friend or relation....

You're not looking for advice, you're looking for someone to tell you its ok to do what you want. When you leave the mother of your child (for another woman) do you really think she'll think that's fine and it will always be good?

[FredClogs]

DoTheRightThing said:

I understand the point you are both making - in different ways!

I trust my current partner not to create distance between me and my daughter whatever the outcome. We are simply not the types to use her as a pawn. I would base myself as near as possible and still be bathing and doing the school run.

But can I really just go through the motions with a woman I increasingly find myself loving like a dear friend or relation....

Post doesn't say how old you are. But the answer to your question is yes. You can't base a long term relationship on lust.

[Echo66]

Soov535 said:

Do. Not. Go. There.

Don't.

Not ever.

When you had a child, your life ceased to be about YOU. That part is done with. You are a lucky man to be where you are. Look at what you HAVE. Have a f*****g word with yourself, frankly.

I GUARANTEE that if you leave, you will regret it, when your daughter is being brought up by some other bloke, who is living in the house you pay for and sleeping with your partner in the bed you assembled. It'll be even worse when your daughter hates you and won't have anything to do with you, and CALLS HIM DADDY.

At the end of the day, the grass looks greener. It's bl00dy not. Days of chasing pussy are done with, m8 - gone.

Make a go of it with your partner and think yourself lucky.

Don't throw three lives away for the sake of "posh w'nk".



GET A fkING GRIP.

Edited by Soov535 on Tuesday 30th September 12:59

As he said. The grass is very very rarely greener. You have deep seated issues on the commitment side which is coming to the fore in different ways. I'd seek some help for yourself on this & also see you GP asap as you may well be suffering from mild depression.

[vescaegg]

Soov535 said:

Do. Not. Go. There.

Don't.

Not ever.

When you had a child, your life ceased to be about YOU. That part is done with. You are a lucky man to be where you are. Look at what you HAVE. Have a f*****g word with yourself, frankly.

I GUARANTEE that if you leave, you will regret it, when your daughter is being brought up by some other bloke, who is living in the house you pay for and sleeping with your partner in the bed you assembled. It'll be even worse when your daughter hates you and won't have anything to do with you, and CALLS HIM DADDY.

At the end of the day, the grass looks greener. It's bl00dy not. Days of chasing pussy are done with, m8 - gone.

Make a go of it with your partner and think yourself lucky.

Don't throw three lives away for the sake of "posh w'nk".



GET A fkING GRIP.

Edited by Soov535 on Tuesday 30th September 12:59

This OP. This.

You even suggesting/thinking this however means you are a selfish idiot anyway IMO.

You chose to go this far, now be a man and live with it. Its you being unhappy vs. everyone else being unhappy (and you eventually probably being unhappy).

Sounds like your friends and family will also think you are a tt.

Edited by vescaegg on Tuesday 30th September 13:16

[Soov535]

DoTheRightThing said:

Soov535 said:

TIGA84 said:

You have an 18 month old.

Do not underestimate how hard this has been for both of you whether you realise it or not.

Talk to people that are paid to help you and don't be afraid to do so.

ETA - I didn't read the bit about the other woman.

Advice on that?

Imagine in 10/11/12 years time on a supervised weekend visit and explaining to her why you abandoned her and her mother when she was a baby - then watch her hate you for the rest of your life.

Should provide you with some clarity.

Edited by TIGA84 on Tuesday 30th September 12:57

Elegantly put.

As I said, have a f****g word with yourself.

I understand the point you are both making - in different ways!

I trust my current partner not to create distance between me and my daughter whatever the outcome. We are simply not the types to use her as a pawn. I would base myself as near as possible and still be bathing and doing the school run.

But can I really just go through the motions with a woman I increasingly find myself loving like a dear friend or relation....

You're deluded.

If you leave, you will in all probability have very little to do with your daughter. Do not kid yourself. I have seen this more times than I care to think of.


Seriously, every married bloke with a youngster goes through mourning for the life they once led. The chasing skirt, the drinking, the days out, having plenty of dolla in your pocket. Forget that. It's over.


Life has changed, and to be blunt, you need to act like a man, and take care of your responsibilities now.