Thinking of leaving the OH
Discussion
dirty boy said:
DoTheRightThing said:
AndStilliRise said:
OP - your a dick. Literally.
Even in the short time you've been a member of PH I'd of thought you'd learnt that the only thing worse than a limp insult around these parts is a limp insult with a spelling mistake. Jog on.
kers!! You quoted before my edit!!op - can I clear a few things up?
A). Have you discussed a failing spark with the OH?
B). Does she think anything is even slightly wrong.
If the answer to both of those is no, cutting and running without warning is going to make it turn real nasty, real fast. - just think about what is being done and whether you GENUINELY believe she'll be open to negotiation.
If it really is going, it's going. But unless you don't do everything in your power to save it, no one is a winner.
A). Have you discussed a failing spark with the OH?
B). Does she think anything is even slightly wrong.
If the answer to both of those is no, cutting and running without warning is going to make it turn real nasty, real fast. - just think about what is being done and whether you GENUINELY believe she'll be open to negotiation.
If it really is going, it's going. But unless you don't do everything in your power to save it, no one is a winner.
Agoogy said:
A very insightful thread, with a surprising level of mature, thoughtful and (IMO) accurate advice/opinion.
I wonder if the OP were a woman, would 'she' get a similar reaction from mumsnet...
I think so, they would go nuts about it regarding messing up the child.I wonder if the OP were a woman, would 'she' get a similar reaction from mumsnet...
DoTheRightThing said:
I think I've probably always been aware we weren't exactly cut from the same cloth. She's a country girl I'm a city boy. She's always said "I'm the one", I've always known she would make a great mother and life companion and thought that would be enough. As I've grown older though, I want to talk about different things; art, politics, philosophical bks.... Not really her forte.
As others have said, sounds like the normal relationship thing. Remember, with the ex you remember the good times and blank out the bad ones. It will end up in the same position as now, just a few years after that one has started if you go for it. You say there isn't too much strain from being a parent, but there has to be. It's bad enough partying and so on. I can't imagine what it's like functioning for years without proper sleep and so on. As someone who knows depression a bit too well it will make you look at the future more bleakly and so the other relationship will appear better, since it's more exciting and so on. But that goes away with time anyway. ks.... Not really her forte. DoTheRightThing said:
Thanks for all the replies.
Some heartfelt stuff from some on here and I really value it, the pics not so much but hey, to be expected around these parts.... In a bit of mess right now, don't know if I'm coming or going but sick of sneaking around. I'll update the thread either way.
To clarify a couple of points that kept coming up though; I don't find being a Dad hard, I LOVE it! I am aware how lucky I am. I don't feel the birth of our child has put too much strain on us, I worry for the future though and what happens when they've flown the roost. I need to spend my life with someone I can relate to, I'm not sure it's healthy to channel everything I have into my daughter and possibly more siblings besides if my heart isn't with their mother. I worry of the consequences of an 'unhappy' family home and what effect it might have on them as someone astutely pointed out earlier.
I expected to be called selfish but I'm trying to put my daughter at the forefront of this decision and ensure I create the right environment for her LONGTERM.
A number of posters have advised not to rush into anything and to spend some quality time with my fiancé. I intend to do this. I just spent an hour on the phone to the OW, as she has been coined, and I explained I needed some time to myself. I am scared of losing her though.
Edit: I suspect some truth in the depression thing. Career is tough and a very nasty health scare have perhaps worn me down.
Some heartfelt stuff from some on here and I really value it, the pics not so much but hey, to be expected around these parts.... In a bit of mess right now, don't know if I'm coming or going but sick of sneaking around. I'll update the thread either way.
To clarify a couple of points that kept coming up though; I don't find being a Dad hard, I LOVE it! I am aware how lucky I am. I don't feel the birth of our child has put too much strain on us, I worry for the future though and what happens when they've flown the roost. I need to spend my life with someone I can relate to, I'm not sure it's healthy to channel everything I have into my daughter and possibly more siblings besides if my heart isn't with their mother. I worry of the consequences of an 'unhappy' family home and what effect it might have on them as someone astutely pointed out earlier.
I expected to be called selfish but I'm trying to put my daughter at the forefront of this decision and ensure I create the right environment for her LONGTERM.
A number of posters have advised not to rush into anything and to spend some quality time with my fiancé. I intend to do this. I just spent an hour on the phone to the OW, as she has been coined, and I explained I needed some time to myself. I am scared of losing her though.
Edit: I suspect some truth in the depression thing. Career is tough and a very nasty health scare have perhaps worn me down.
Edited by DoTheRightThing on Tuesday 30th September 15:42
It's also worth remembering that guys tend to always think they can do better, women tend to think they have the best. So spend more time appreciating what you're getting now, not what you miss. No woman will give you it all. In regards to discussing politics and so on... why not do other things where you can find people to discuss that with? Too many parents forget they can be social outside the marriage and get stuck inside and feel trapped and that they need to escape.
And don't put too much into her making light of the situation. She's probably worried, but just don't want to show it to try and help make things better for you. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be worried in her situation from what you've said to us.
Edited by NRS on Tuesday 30th September 16:22
Haven't read all the replies, so might have been said already: - you fancied your oh before, you can fancy here again, the choice isn't loveless existence or playing around, the choice is putting the effort in with oh or putting effort in playing around (which is bound to seem more exciting).
Make the effort with your oh as if you were chasing here, make the time to go out as a couple, do fun things together and you'll be happier and stronger than before.
It's all to easy with kids to get into only doing things with kids, park etc, then in the evenings put your house pants on and watch tv.
As with most things in life, you get out what you put in, focus on your relationship.
Make the effort with your oh as if you were chasing here, make the time to go out as a couple, do fun things together and you'll be happier and stronger than before.
It's all to easy with kids to get into only doing things with kids, park etc, then in the evenings put your house pants on and watch tv.
As with most things in life, you get out what you put in, focus on your relationship.
Monkeylegend said:
And now you are not getting the confirmation you so desperately seek, turn abusive.
Your fiance and daughter deserve better than you.
No. I know most, if not all of the names on this thread and I appreciate the input even though some of it is hard to take. Your fiance and daughter deserve better than you.
But if some little johnny come lately wants to sit on side lines throwing insults and doing the "ha ha" voice from The Simpsons they can very well get f
ked. Very few things (if any) that you can do in life, for example having children, changing jobs, getting married will actually change any underlying feelings you might have.
If you're unhappy in a relationship, children will mask it, not change it.
I think you need to consider why you are unhappy and why you think the grass could be greener?
A word here too, the grass is ALWAYS greener, if it wasn't you wouldn't look, don't be fooled when people say the grass is not greener, as IT IS ALWAYS...the issue is that it doesn't stay greener, soon the weeds return just like the patch you left.
My only words of advice are:
1. For every good looking woman, there's a bloke bored of having sex with her....
2. Focus on your child, she doesn't give a stuff about anything
3. Ask yourself why, why the itch, why the unhappiness
4. Understand that sometimes life is just hard and what you need to do is buckle down and get on with things
Not sure any of that helps, it's my two pennies!
If you're unhappy in a relationship, children will mask it, not change it.
I think you need to consider why you are unhappy and why you think the grass could be greener?
A word here too, the grass is ALWAYS greener, if it wasn't you wouldn't look, don't be fooled when people say the grass is not greener, as IT IS ALWAYS...the issue is that it doesn't stay greener, soon the weeds return just like the patch you left.
My only words of advice are:
1. For every good looking woman, there's a bloke bored of having sex with her....
2. Focus on your child, she doesn't give a stuff about anything
3. Ask yourself why, why the itch, why the unhappiness
4. Understand that sometimes life is just hard and what you need to do is buckle down and get on with things
Not sure any of that helps, it's my two pennies!
DoTheRightThing said:
I said in my OP that I had talked to my fiancé.
But she didn't edit out my concerns when replying, like you have done. She did however make light of them and as I said, has perhaps convinced herself it's just a phase.
Out of interest why do you think it isn't a phase? Were the doubts anywhere near as strong before Miss yoyo undies came on the scene?But she didn't edit out my concerns when replying, like you have done. She did however make light of them and as I said, has perhaps convinced herself it's just a phase.
To give you a little context I was (highly) responsible for breaking up a very long marriage. The whys and wherefores are utterly unimportant here. What is not is that if she had had any children (I have none) I doubt we would even have got beyond a few flirtatious messages and there would certainly have been no chance of any sausage hiding
NRS said:
And don't put too much into her making light of the situation. She's probably worried, but just don't want to show it to try and help make things better for you. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be worried in her situation from what you've said to us.
Quite. And I don't know anyone who wouldn't be looking at options.
DoTheRightThing said:
Monkeylegend said:
And now you are not getting the confirmation you so desperately seek, turn abusive.
Your fiance and daughter deserve better than you.
No. I know most, if not all of the names on this thread and I appreciate the input even though some of it is hard to take. Your fiance and daughter deserve better than you.
But if some little johnny come lately wants to sit on side lines throwing insults and doing the "ha ha" voice from The Simpsons they can very well get f
ked. Seriously, you need to work more with the wife.
She's the mother of your child and you owe it to her to MTFU and discuss. FFS don't mention the OW though.
You can save this and it will be worth it.
To add.
Christmas day/birthday whatever. Your baby girl enjoying herself, you look at your wife, you have that 'knowing' look between you that the effort was all worthwhile.
My missus and I often just amble about our children and how thankful we are for two healthy squirts. Then I nail her in the ass and ejaculate on her back. Healthy relationships are all about talking and dirty sex (as far as I'm aware)
She's the mother of your child and you owe it to her to MTFU and discuss. FFS don't mention the OW though.
You can save this and it will be worth it.
To add.
Christmas day/birthday whatever. Your baby girl enjoying herself, you look at your wife, you have that 'knowing' look between you that the effort was all worthwhile.
My missus and I often just amble about our children and how thankful we are for two healthy squirts. Then I nail her in the ass and ejaculate on her back. Healthy relationships are all about talking and dirty sex (as far as I'm aware)
OP, my Dad did a similar thing, the list wore off, I'm 43 now, this year was the first time I spent time with him, he lives in Spain, has done for 15 years, not even the promise of a free holiday got me out there until now.
I wasn't even angry with him at the end, there was just no bond, but he's an old man now and life's too short.
You see OP, we were a well off, lived in an beautiful village, because of his actions we ended up living on a sink estate, so lots of fun there.
I think the worst part was seeing him raise other people's kids the way I should have been.
I have one thing to thank him for, when my own marriage went through a bad patch, my childhood memories gave me the balls to try harder, my marriage is good now, it takes hard fking work.
Do you not think your OH has dreams and ambitions.
Go to counselling OP, and fking grow up, stop being the immature baby you are acting like.
I wasn't even angry with him at the end, there was just no bond, but he's an old man now and life's too short.
You see OP, we were a well off, lived in an beautiful village, because of his actions we ended up living on a sink estate, so lots of fun there.
I think the worst part was seeing him raise other people's kids the way I should have been.
I have one thing to thank him for, when my own marriage went through a bad patch, my childhood memories gave me the balls to try harder, my marriage is good now, it takes hard f
king work.Do you not think your OH has dreams and ambitions.
Go to counselling OP, and f
king grow up, stop being the immature baby you are acting like.Vocal Minority said:
op - can I clear a few things up?
A). Have you discussed a failing spark with the OH?
B). Does she think anything is even slightly wrong.
If the answer to both of those is no, cutting and running without warning is going to make it turn real nasty, real fast. - just think about what is being done and whether you GENUINELY believe she'll be open to negotiation.
If it really is going, it's going. But unless you don't do everything in your power to save it, no one is a winner.
I think he intimated that he has told his fiancee he is already having an affair and she has considered it as a "phase"...A). Have you discussed a failing spark with the OH?
B). Does she think anything is even slightly wrong.
If the answer to both of those is no, cutting and running without warning is going to make it turn real nasty, real fast. - just think about what is being done and whether you GENUINELY believe she'll be open to negotiation.
If it really is going, it's going. But unless you don't do everything in your power to save it, no one is a winner.
DoTheRightThing said:
has perhaps convinced herself it's just a phase.
Because out of all the possible Romeos, the good looking guy who delivers to her, the bloke who asks for her number every time, the ones who always want to be her friend, she chose you, for all your good points and bad points. (PS, Tonker is a legend)
schmalex said:
I think he intimated that he has told his fiancee he is already having an affair and she has considered it as a "phase"...
Christ this woman sounds perfect she can cook, clean is a good mother and will even write off nailing some slapper as a 'phase'!!! op does she have a sister? 
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