Thinking of leaving the OH

[The Beaver King]

StuntmanMike said:

OP, my Dad did a similar thing, the list wore off, I'm 43 now, this year was the first time I spent time with him, he lives in Spain, has done for 15 years, not even the promise of a free holiday got me out there until now.
I wasn't even angry with him at the end, there was just no bond, but he's an old man now and life's too short.
You see OP, we were a well off, lived in an beautiful village, because of his actions we ended up living on a sink estate, so lots of fun there.
I think the worst part was seeing him raise other people's kids the way I should have been.
I have one thing to thank him for, when my own marriage went through a bad patch, my childhood memories gave me the balls to try harder, my marriage is good now, it takes hard fking work.
Do you not think your OH has dreams and ambitions.
Go to counselling OP, and fking grow up, stop being the immature baby you are acting like.

....and my childhood has just come flooding back...

[Rude-boy]

dundarach said:

dirty boy said:

Then I nail her in the ass and ejaculate on her back. Healthy relationships are all about talking and dirty sex (as far as I'm aware)

I've been away far too long

You don't occasionally bump into him and his mrs.

I now not only need mind bleach (she's very tidy, DB is (donkey) punching well above his weight ) but also need to ensure I do not let any knowing smiles cross my face

[Soov535]

StuntmanMike said:

OP, my Dad did a similar thing, the list wore off, I'm 43 now, this year was the first time I spent time with him, he lives in Spain, has done for 15 years, not even the promise of a free holiday got me out there until now.
I wasn't even angry with him at the end, there was just no bond, but he's an old man now and life's too short.
You see OP, we were a well off, lived in an beautiful village, because of his actions we ended up living on a sink estate, so lots of fun there.
I think the worst part was seeing him raise other people's kids the way I should have been.
I have one thing to thank him for, when my own marriage went through a bad patch, my childhood memories gave me the balls to try harder, my marriage is good now, it takes hard fking work.
Do you not think your OH has dreams and ambitions.
Go to counselling OP, and fking grow up, stop being the immature baby you are acting like.

Christ.

[Studio117]

Greg66 said:

Soov535 said:

Nice hit.

Come on DTRT - you know the answer. A pussy is just a pussy. A child is something else entirely.

In a different context, that could be very badly misconstrued.

[happychap]

To clarify a couple of points that kept coming up though; I don't find being a Dad hard, I LOVE it! I am aware how lucky I am. I don't feel the birth of our child has put too much strain on us, I worry for the future though and what happens when they've flown the roost. I need to spend my life with someone I can relate to, I'm not sure it's healthy to channel everything I have into my daughter and possibly more siblings besides if my heart isn't with their mother. I worry of the consequences of an 'unhappy' family home and what effect it might have on them as someone astutely pointed out earlier.

You sound as though you have already made your mind up about leaving your fiance and child. Being concerned about the future is irrelevant as its now that you need to concentrate on, the future will take care of itself. Out of interest, how would you like this to play out and conclude for you and your family. Talking these issue through with a counselor face to face will, if you engage with this process help you to come to a decision on what to do next.

[Du1point8]

Think the OP has already decided if OP is spending over an hour on the phone to the OW to save that relationship, as he doesn't want to lose that, rather than going to counselling with his current OH.

[Convert]

Greg66 said:

Soov535 said:

Nice hit.

Come on DTRT - you know the answer. A pussy is just a pussy. A child is something else entirely.

In a different context, that could be very badly misconstrued.

Now then, now then, jingle jangle.

[GTIAlex]

Have some kinky sex

[anothernameitist]

For quite a while now I've wanted to walk out on a wife of 10 years and a four year old son.

Now a year later and a lot of hard work from my wife, who never knew my disire to run I am so happy and content.

take my advice stay and sort it out.

[AndStilliRise]

As the OP believes that the number of posts signals entitlement to post, I am close to 40 and have 2 boys. Never cheated and been offered many affairs over the 14 years of marriage.

Even with a relationship in tatters a couple of years ago, with separate rooms and not talking for days on ends, we still managed somehow to survive together because we understood that kids would/should come first. And yes I was offered in this period as well.

[ShawCrossShark]

From the other side of the fence.

We had a 3 year old, I was working both full time and part time to keep a roof over our heads whilst she decided I wasn't at home enough to help her and that I didn't care and embarked on an affair with a married man from work.

The grass was definitely not greener for her. He turned out to be a confidence trickster who preys on vulnerable women. 3 years after leaving she left me he did the same thing again, has since remarried another woman and left her for yet another. He also left my ex with about £40k of debt to pay off whilst trying to bring up 2 kids

I would have fought until my last breath for my family up until the point that she betrayed "us". Nine years on I am happy with another woman whilst still enjoying a good relationship with my daughter (who is now starting to piece the timeline together of her own accord even though she has never been told the reason that we split up). I wait for the day that my daughter makes her own mind up about things, and when that happens she has a bedroom waiting for her at our house

PS. Never underestimate what a spurned woman can do mate. They are not all the same but can get some very one-sided advice from others that could cost you a lot of money in the long run, as well as a relationship with your child

[The Beaver King]

AndStilliRise said:

As the OP believes that the number of posts signals entitlement to post, I am close to 40 and have 2 boys. Never cheated and been offered many affairs over the 14 years of marriage.

Even with a relationship in tatters a couple of years ago, with separate rooms and not talking for days on ends, we still managed somehow to survive together because we understood that kids would/should come first. And yes I was offered in this period as well.

...and this is the part where parents lose me.

So you stayed with your wife, miserable and potentially without hope, for the children? You don't think that putting on a faux smile, acting like everything is fine, yet secretly hating each other is potentially more damaging?

I'm assuming everything is okay now judging from the tenses used in your post?

I'm not judging by the way, I don't have children so I don't complete 'get it'. I was brought up in a family that did something similar for years and my parents getting divorced was the best thing they could have possibly done.

[AndStilliRise]

Yes, but I understood my wife.

It was a year long, but now she is better than ever and our relationship is like the days of old. Not sure what made her change her mind but whatever it was - we are all happy. So we lost a year. However how much longer would it have taken for both of us to find other partners. 1/3/5 years?

And i didnt want a nob head reading my son stories and taking them on holiday. Not sure to be called dad or nob head. Either way, I sorted my problems, I would suggest the OP to reach down, find his balls.

[don4l]

It will be my 36th wedding anniversary in a fortnight.

OP, there have been periods when I felt like do, but I had kids - so I did the right thing.

The last year has been the best.

Being a father is not just a weekend job. It took months to persuade my eldest to apply to Oxford University. He now has a fantastic job with an employer who only hires from Oxford and Cambridge. There isn't a hope in hell that he would have gone to Oxford if I hadn't been living at home.

Earlier in the thread someone said that once the spark is gone, that you cannot get it back. They were wrong. You can get it back, and it can be even better than before. You just need to communicate.

[FredClogs]

The Beaver King said:

...and this is the part where parents lose me.

So you stayed with your wife, miserable and potentially without hope, for the children? You don't think that putting on a faux smile, acting like everything is fine, yet secretly hating each other is potentially more damaging?

I'm assuming everything is okay now judging from the tenses used in your post?

I'm not judging by the way, I don't have children so I don't complete 'get it'. I was brought up in a family that did something similar for years and my parents getting divorced was the best thing they could have possibly done.

As I said in my post, you're not supposed to be happy in a marriage with young kids, look at us people, no one is happy all the time. You teach children nothing by being happy, the best lesson to teach a young child is that patience, empathy, selflessness, mature discussion, sticking to promises, staying on task and remembering better times when the st is flying off the fan are virtuous and valuable. Bailing at the first flutter of emotion or leggin after the next piece of skirt in search of "happiness" are the actions of a tt.

Obviously caveats apply, if the home is a war zone and people are getting physically or emotional hurt then, yes, sometimes separation is a better option.

I'd also say that at 18months the kids is not really forming memories that will effect her life, she is however learning that she can play mum and dad off against each other.

[Ruskie]

You can't stay in a relationship your not happy with as it will lead to misery.

However I feel your thinking with your dick at the moment.

[lauda]

FredClogs said:

As I said in my post, you're not supposed to be happy in a marriage with young kids, look at us people, no one is happy all the time. You teach children nothing by being happy, the best lesson to teach a young child is that patience, empathy, selflessness, mature discussion, sticking to promises, staying on task and remembering better times when the st is flying off the fan are virtuous and valuable. Bailing at the first flutter of emotion or leggin after the next piece of skirt in search of "happiness" are the actions of a tt.

Obviously caveats apply, if the home is a war zone and people are getting physically or emotional hurt then, yes, sometimes separation is a better option.

I'd also say that at 18months the kids is not really forming memories that will effect her life, she is however learning that she can play mum and dad off against each other.

I'm not quite sure if you're serious. Sure, no one is happy all the time but if coming home at the end of the day to your family isn't the best bit of it, you may have married the wrong woman.

[storminnorman]

DoTheRightThing said:

As I've grown older though, I want to talk about different things; art, politics, philosophical bks.... Not really her forte.

So to answer your question directly I think I've never had the opportunity I've got now and had it not come about then yes I would probably be content with the status quo but it HAS come about and I am being offered what I see as the potential for fulfilment.

Do you think your o/h is flawed? Yes, you have lavished praise on her but I get the impression that you look down on her. You say you seek 'intellectual fulfillment', which the other woman provides - but you can obtain that kind of stimulation from platonic friendships. Perhaps you find yourself trapped within the family routine, and the only opportunity for freedom has presented itself in the worst way. Maybe you just need to spend time with friends once in a while.

You also said you worry about the future - do you think the future will be easier if you move on?

[A bit down]

Rude-boy said:

OP, part of the reason for the replies you are getting here is that you are acting more like ABD's Mrs than ABD.

In fact go back to his thread and cast your fiancée as ABD and you as the wife. Perhaps you will see more clearly why you are thinking about doing something clinically fking stupid.

I haven't got a lot to add here but this is very perceptive and my circumstances were almost exactly reversed (with the exception that we now have the children 50/50).

OP, for what it's worth, it's been two years since I was in a similar position. You're obviously familiar with my tale so I won't recount it here.

My ex is in tears most times I see her. She sends me long, emotional outpourings by text in the early hours of the morning at least once a week desperately trying to make things right. She misses the children horribly when she doesn't see them and has been treated for depression. She is estranged from most of her friends and her family barely acknowledge her. She has aged visibly, her health has suffered and the object of her affection is long gone.

My children also have some horrible times. They often have nightmares around abandonment and sometimes become angry with me (and my ex) because they don't understand what happened and why they now have to share their time between two houses. To see them suffer and not be able to help is heartbreaking.

These are the real-world consequences of acting on impulses rather than facing problems. I would urge you to give yourself time and space to consider the very real ramifications of any decision you may make. I wish you luck, as it won't be easy.

[FredClogs]

lauda said:

FredClogs said:

As I said in my post, you're not supposed to be happy in a marriage with young kids, look at us people, no one is happy all the time. You teach children nothing by being happy, the best lesson to teach a young child is that patience, empathy, selflessness, mature discussion, sticking to promises, staying on task and remembering better times when the st is flying off the fan are virtuous and valuable. Bailing at the first flutter of emotion or leggin after the next piece of skirt in search of "happiness" are the actions of a tt.

Obviously caveats apply, if the home is a war zone and people are getting physically or emotional hurt then, yes, sometimes separation is a better option.

I'd also say that at 18months the kids is not really forming memories that will effect her life, she is however learning that she can play mum and dad off against each other.

I'm not quite sure if you're serious. Sure, no one is happy all the time but if coming home at the end of the day to your family isn't the best bit of it, you may have married the wrong woman.

I agree, but that's no argument to bail, that's just a reason to try and make things a bit better. I'm just saying the OPs apparent quest to be "happy" is an exercise in futility.