Thinking of leaving the OH
Discussion
FredClogs said:
I'm just saying the OPs apparent quest to be "happy" is an exercise in futility.
Really? So no one in a relationship with kids should expect to be happy? You seem to set fairly low expectations of your lot in life. Sure, he can't just go and f
k any woman that takes his fancy but I'm not sure many people judge their happiness against that particular metric. I can't talk from the OP's shoes, neither being married or having kids, but I have twice dated over the years divorced woman with children, so have seen (and experienced) the aftermath of the path the OP is considering taking. And I echo what the majority say, don't do it.
My long term ex cheated on me, even although I stood beside and supported her thought thick and thin, but she thought the grass was greener. She slept with a married man. Who I was told was unhappy in his relationship, 2 young kids, but never told the wife this. He walked out on the wife for my ex with a week or so, and I was told she filed for divorce days later according to a mutual friend. The relationship didn't last surprise surprise, and I doubt my ex cares the mess she left. I feel for the guy, he was a complete idiot, and I am sure regrets what he has done to his family. Even although he did me a favour, giving me the reason to finally end it with my ex.
Your fiance, who may be the kindest person, is very likely to turn into a woman scorned if you indeed have been doing the dirty behind her back. I question the morals of the OW who is happy to poach you from your OH and child. If she has done it once, she will do it again. And in a years time, you will have a broken off engagement, the OW will not materialise to what you expected, and some of your friends, and more importantly, some of your family will turn on you because of your actions and the mess you left in the wake.
If your OH cuts ties with your parents, so they don't get to cherish their grand daughter, how do you think they will take it? They will still love you, but the dynamics between you will change for the worse.
If she has the qualities you say, she will find a Mr Right, who will step up and take over the father role you are not there to do.
Listen to what the others have said - you will regret it.
My long term ex cheated on me, even although I stood beside and supported her thought thick and thin, but she thought the grass was greener. She slept with a married man. Who I was told was unhappy in his relationship, 2 young kids, but never told the wife this. He walked out on the wife for my ex with a week or so, and I was told she filed for divorce days later according to a mutual friend. The relationship didn't last surprise surprise, and I doubt my ex cares the mess she left. I feel for the guy, he was a complete idiot, and I am sure regrets what he has done to his family. Even although he did me a favour, giving me the reason to finally end it with my ex.
Your fiance, who may be the kindest person, is very likely to turn into a woman scorned if you indeed have been doing the dirty behind her back. I question the morals of the OW who is happy to poach you from your OH and child. If she has done it once, she will do it again. And in a years time, you will have a broken off engagement, the OW will not materialise to what you expected, and some of your friends, and more importantly, some of your family will turn on you because of your actions and the mess you left in the wake.
If your OH cuts ties with your parents, so they don't get to cherish their grand daughter, how do you think they will take it? They will still love you, but the dynamics between you will change for the worse.
If she has the qualities you say, she will find a Mr Right, who will step up and take over the father role you are not there to do.
Listen to what the others have said - you will regret it.
lauda said:
FredClogs said:
I'm just saying the OPs apparent quest to be "happy" is an exercise in futility.
Really? So no one in a relationship with kids should expect to be happy? You seem to set fairly low expectations of your lot in life. Sure, he can't just go and f
k any woman that takes his fancy but I'm not sure many people judge their happiness against that particular metric. Du1point8 said:
Think the OP has already decided if OP is spending over an hour on the phone to the OW to save that relationship, as he doesn't want to lose that, rather than going to counselling with his current OH.
It certainly sounds like it. Generally coming up with more excuses about why it's right that he should and that he's a good person/ dad at heart. And that his other half will continue to be ok with things even if he leaves. As someone who contributes on the match.com thread it's one of those times you know despite 99% of people being in agreement the poster is almost certainly going off and does the other thing anyway.lauda said:
FredClogs said:
I'm just saying the OPs apparent quest to be "happy" is an exercise in futility.
Really? So no one in a relationship with kids should expect to be happy? You seem to set fairly low expectations of your lot in life. Sure, he can't just go and f
k any woman that takes his fancy but I'm not sure many people judge their happiness against that particular metric. Soov535 said:
StuntmanMike said:
OP, my Dad did a similar thing, the list wore off, I'm 43 now, this year was the first time I spent time with him, he lives in Spain, has done for 15 years, not even the promise of a free holiday got me out there until now.
I wasn't even angry with him at the end, there was just no bond, but he's an old man now and life's too short.
You see OP, we were a well off, lived in an beautiful village, because of his actions we ended up living on a sink estate, so lots of fun there.
I think the worst part was seeing him raise other people's kids the way I should have been.
I have one thing to thank him for, when my own marriage went through a bad patch, my childhood memories gave me the balls to try harder, my marriage is good now, it takes hard fking work.
Do you not think your OH has dreams and ambitions.
Go to counselling OP, and fking grow up, stop being the immature baby you are acting like.
Christ.I wasn't even angry with him at the end, there was just no bond, but he's an old man now and life's too short.
You see OP, we were a well off, lived in an beautiful village, because of his actions we ended up living on a sink estate, so lots of fun there.
I think the worst part was seeing him raise other people's kids the way I should have been.
I have one thing to thank him for, when my own marriage went through a bad patch, my childhood memories gave me the balls to try harder, my marriage is good now, it takes hard f
king work.Do you not think your OH has dreams and ambitions.
Go to counselling OP, and f
king grow up, stop being the immature baby you are acting like.
.I'm pretty laid back these days, but it took years to get this way.
My twenties, forget them, I was a very bitter angry chap.
I spent some time with him this summer, pretty sad really as I got on with him really well, I had idolised him as a kid, 30 odd wasted years.
I stay away from these posts normally, I can understand wronged partners doing this, angry, hurt ,confused, but f
k me the OP isn't that, he is making a life changing decision and is posting this on a motoring forum FFS.I feel for the kid, because at least one parent has his head so far up his own arse, he would break his ankles if he sat down quick.
I have been married for 6 and a half years and have three beautiful daughters who are my absolute world.
A couple of years ago, when my wife was pregnant with our second child, I had a bit of a wobble, I fell head over heels in love with a woman I had met through work who had the same feelings for me. I agonised for months and months and still now wonder what if but I separated myself away from both of them and thought through everything in my head, weighed up the pros and cons, thought about how it affected me growing up with separated parents.
Th thing I realised is although I was convinced that the spark had gone between me and my wife, all that I had done is started taking it, and her for granted, as soon as I started paying a bit more attention I realised that I was happy after all and I know now that if I had of left it would have been the wrong decision.
This feeling is intensified every time I look into my daughters eyes
A couple of years ago, when my wife was pregnant with our second child, I had a bit of a wobble, I fell head over heels in love with a woman I had met through work who had the same feelings for me. I agonised for months and months and still now wonder what if but I separated myself away from both of them and thought through everything in my head, weighed up the pros and cons, thought about how it affected me growing up with separated parents.
Th thing I realised is although I was convinced that the spark had gone between me and my wife, all that I had done is started taking it, and her for granted, as soon as I started paying a bit more attention I realised that I was happy after all and I know now that if I had of left it would have been the wrong decision.
This feeling is intensified every time I look into my daughters eyes
Quite an opportune time to re-cap:
1: OP's fiancée sounds lovely and a definite good-un
2: OP knocked her up to make sure there was legacy when things looked a little dicey healthwise
3: Consequently, OP and his fiancée have an 18 month old and have the opportunity to build a life together. However, OP now feels less attracted to her
4: OP, having recovered from his health scare is willing to throw this away, knock is fiancée sideways and miss out on building a bond with his only child because some old slapper who he can "connect" with opens her legs and makes him feel like a schoolboy again
5: Someone (mostly everyone, actually) would like to bang the OP's fiancée doggy and swing his spuds against her arse. No-one's quite sure whether this possible, but Tonker has an idea
6: It has been established that the OP is thinking with his dick
7: OP and his fiancée haven't visited Relate to work through his issues
8: Old slapper is willing to quit her job to be with him. This won't last 10 minutes once he starts pining for his jilted family and she realises he's got no cash to spare after paying the mortgage on the family home (where some new bloke will be living and bringing up OP's child to a different set of principles
OP. Post natal depression can affect men as well as women, whereby you feel like a bit of a spare part due to the woman's imperative to focus on the kid. Go and have a chat with someone. You're not the first to go through a bad time and have doubts, but don't be one of the weak who throws everything away without a fight. If you give it everything to make your relationship work and still feel that you can't, then go for it but, until then, make sure you take your OH out on a few first dates, weekends away, surprise nights in and rekindle that spark.
1: OP's fiancée sounds lovely and a definite good-un
2: OP knocked her up to make sure there was legacy when things looked a little dicey healthwise
3: Consequently, OP and his fiancée have an 18 month old and have the opportunity to build a life together. However, OP now feels less attracted to her
4: OP, having recovered from his health scare is willing to throw this away, knock is fiancée sideways and miss out on building a bond with his only child because some old slapper who he can "connect" with opens her legs and makes him feel like a schoolboy again
5: Someone (mostly everyone, actually) would like to bang the OP's fiancée doggy and swing his spuds against her arse. No-one's quite sure whether this possible, but Tonker has an idea
6: It has been established that the OP is thinking with his dick
7: OP and his fiancée haven't visited Relate to work through his issues
8: Old slapper is willing to quit her job to be with him. This won't last 10 minutes once he starts pining for his jilted family and she realises he's got no cash to spare after paying the mortgage on the family home (where some new bloke will be living and bringing up OP's child to a different set of principles
OP. Post natal depression can affect men as well as women, whereby you feel like a bit of a spare part due to the woman's imperative to focus on the kid. Go and have a chat with someone. You're not the first to go through a bad time and have doubts, but don't be one of the weak who throws everything away without a fight. If you give it everything to make your relationship work and still feel that you can't, then go for it but, until then, make sure you take your OH out on a few first dates, weekends away, surprise nights in and rekindle that spark.
If you do leave, do it for you, and the desire to be a decent father to your children, albeit apart from their mother, if you're truly that unhappy together.
Do not allow your head to be turned by a bit of skirt. Because I can guarantee you that's all it is.
Albeit after a few 'dry' years you'll be slobbering after it like a dog on hot mince, I can assure you that the route to a great deal of unhappiness lies there.
Try and work things out at home first. If after 12 months of trying things aren't working, then leave.
Not now. Not for a bit of skirt. No matter how compelling the 'connection'. You're thinking with your dick.
Do not allow your head to be turned by a bit of skirt. Because I can guarantee you that's all it is.
Albeit after a few 'dry' years you'll be slobbering after it like a dog on hot mince, I can assure you that the route to a great deal of unhappiness lies there.
Try and work things out at home first. If after 12 months of trying things aren't working, then leave.
Not now. Not for a bit of skirt. No matter how compelling the 'connection'. You're thinking with your dick.
DoTheRightThing said:
I trust my current partner not to create distance between me and my daughter whatever the outcome. We are simply not the types to use her as a pawn. I would base myself as near as possible and still be bathing and doing the school run.
But can I really just go through the motions with a woman I increasingly find myself loving like a dear friend or relation....
Now you do; but once she finds out you've left her for another woman... But can I really just go through the motions with a woman I increasingly find myself loving like a dear friend or relation....
You won't be doing the bathing (except for every other weekend at best!) and certainly not the school run, unless it shouts her!
Look at your fiance and remember that SHE was the woman that stood by you during your health scare. Where was the OW then? Would she stand by you if a similar situation cropped up in the future? Would she still stick by you if another serious health problem meant that you could no longer work and support her? After all if she's giving up the "highly paid job in London" for you then I imagine she'll want some decent compensation out of it.
BTW, if you're such a "city boy" and your fiance is a "country girl", then why is the OW moving up to you? Move back to the city, get in touch with all these "intellectually stimulating" people you seem to think are down here. If anything it sounds like you want to jump ship on the current responsibilities, if you wanted an entirely clean break then YOU would be the one moving, and putting the effort in to driving up to see your daughter as often as possible.
Your fiance stood by you in a rough time of your life. Now another rough time has cropped up, it's time for you to stand by her and get through it together. She's suggested you go to counselling together, work through your problems together, as a couple. Instead you want to dump her like yesterday's newspaper and move on to another woman.
You claim that the spark can't come back, but other PHers have posted stating that they thought the same thing and found it wasn't the case, then you've dismissed their comments. Why would they lie about it? They're right, relationships take hard work, you don't want the hard work though do you OP?
Then get off your arse and call your GP, book an appointment, go to it and get advice on counselling for depression. Get tablets if the GP thinks they're needed. Get your parents to babysit and take the fiance for a nice meal out. Get them to babysit for a whole weekend and take her to Paris, or Bruges, or sodding Bournemouth for all that it matters. You don't need to spend the whole time kissing, cuddling and shagging. Just bloody talk to her, reconnect as a couple, basically YOU have to start courting her all over again.
Oh and incase you can't tell I keep using "intellectually stimulating" a lot because I think it's the most pretentious phrase I've heard this year. If it's taken this long for you to decide you're not on the same mental level as your fiance then you're either an idiot or you weren't paying much attention to her in the first place.
I dare any woman to be "intellectually stimulating" after spending most of the day with an 18 month old.
Stop looking for the easy way out OP, the difficult things are always worthwhile.
BTW, if you're such a "city boy" and your fiance is a "country girl", then why is the OW moving up to you? Move back to the city, get in touch with all these "intellectually stimulating" people you seem to think are down here. If anything it sounds like you want to jump ship on the current responsibilities, if you wanted an entirely clean break then YOU would be the one moving, and putting the effort in to driving up to see your daughter as often as possible.
Your fiance stood by you in a rough time of your life. Now another rough time has cropped up, it's time for you to stand by her and get through it together. She's suggested you go to counselling together, work through your problems together, as a couple. Instead you want to dump her like yesterday's newspaper and move on to another woman.
You claim that the spark can't come back, but other PHers have posted stating that they thought the same thing and found it wasn't the case, then you've dismissed their comments. Why would they lie about it? They're right, relationships take hard work, you don't want the hard work though do you OP?
Then get off your arse and call your GP, book an appointment, go to it and get advice on counselling for depression. Get tablets if the GP thinks they're needed. Get your parents to babysit and take the fiance for a nice meal out. Get them to babysit for a whole weekend and take her to Paris, or Bruges, or sodding Bournemouth for all that it matters. You don't need to spend the whole time kissing, cuddling and shagging. Just bloody talk to her, reconnect as a couple, basically YOU have to start courting her all over again.
Oh and incase you can't tell I keep using "intellectually stimulating" a lot because I think it's the most pretentious phrase I've heard this year. If it's taken this long for you to decide you're not on the same mental level as your fiance then you're either an idiot or you weren't paying much attention to her in the first place.
I dare any woman to be "intellectually stimulating" after spending most of the day with an 18 month old.
Stop looking for the easy way out OP, the difficult things are always worthwhile.
I've had a wee read through the thread and just wanted to put in my two penny's worth.
With regards to the OW, she isn't the same person as before and I don't think you would be either especially after becoming a parent. Maybe you two had fun a few years ago when you were younger but there was a reason why you broke up the first time. When people think of what happened before they only think of the good times, maybe you should balance it up with the arguments, the bad times etc. Are you trying to chase your past or is it the fact that a pretty girl has shown an interest and it may be an escape from the day to day activities such as nappy changing etc?
My wife and I have two young children and now they must come first, this is the over riding priority now for us, we try to make time for one another and it is tough but we know everything has changed and it was our decision to bring these two wonderful children in the world. Our family dynamic has changed forever and it's for the better, we've had to substitute crazy spur of the moment nights for trips to the zoo, dirty weekends away for family camping trips. At some point everyone has to grow up and accept their responsibilities. Some of the spontaneity may have gone but we try to make time for one another and maybe have to book weekends away a couple of months in advance but when we have our alone time we make the most of it.
Do you feel that you are being neglected and that your OH isn't the same woman who showered attention on you before parenthood? This is very common but the reality is that both of you have changed and her first priority must be to your child, do you help as much as you can or can you do a bit more? Parenthood is rarely glamorous or edgy which maybe the OW can offer but is she going to help when your little girl stays over? Is she going to be happy when you have to cancel dates at short notice if your girl needs you?
In my industry we have a term called AIDS which stands for Aviation Industry Divorce Syndrome and we have a lot of guys who spend little scraps of time, when they are allowed to, with their children trying to do their best to be a dad but always knowing that they will miss out on the smallest moments. A lot of these men are paying for indiscretions whilst away from home by losing but still paying for houses, lost pensions and maintenance. They are having to work harder to keep a decent standard of life and trying to be a good dad but you can see the stress on their faces.
You need to talk to your OH, talk to a counsellor or a GP maybe if you feel that either of you might be suffering from Post Natal Depression. The OW is just a sticking plaster for your ego and maybe just one last link to younger more carefree days but please don't let your past damage your future with your OH and more importantly your daughter.
With regards to the OW, she isn't the same person as before and I don't think you would be either especially after becoming a parent. Maybe you two had fun a few years ago when you were younger but there was a reason why you broke up the first time. When people think of what happened before they only think of the good times, maybe you should balance it up with the arguments, the bad times etc. Are you trying to chase your past or is it the fact that a pretty girl has shown an interest and it may be an escape from the day to day activities such as nappy changing etc?
My wife and I have two young children and now they must come first, this is the over riding priority now for us, we try to make time for one another and it is tough but we know everything has changed and it was our decision to bring these two wonderful children in the world. Our family dynamic has changed forever and it's for the better, we've had to substitute crazy spur of the moment nights for trips to the zoo, dirty weekends away for family camping trips. At some point everyone has to grow up and accept their responsibilities. Some of the spontaneity may have gone but we try to make time for one another and maybe have to book weekends away a couple of months in advance but when we have our alone time we make the most of it.
Do you feel that you are being neglected and that your OH isn't the same woman who showered attention on you before parenthood? This is very common but the reality is that both of you have changed and her first priority must be to your child, do you help as much as you can or can you do a bit more? Parenthood is rarely glamorous or edgy which maybe the OW can offer but is she going to help when your little girl stays over? Is she going to be happy when you have to cancel dates at short notice if your girl needs you?
In my industry we have a term called AIDS which stands for Aviation Industry Divorce Syndrome and we have a lot of guys who spend little scraps of time, when they are allowed to, with their children trying to do their best to be a dad but always knowing that they will miss out on the smallest moments. A lot of these men are paying for indiscretions whilst away from home by losing but still paying for houses, lost pensions and maintenance. They are having to work harder to keep a decent standard of life and trying to be a good dad but you can see the stress on their faces.
You need to talk to your OH, talk to a counsellor or a GP maybe if you feel that either of you might be suffering from Post Natal Depression. The OW is just a sticking plaster for your ego and maybe just one last link to younger more carefree days but please don't let your past damage your future with your OH and more importantly your daughter.
ali_kat said:
DoTheRightThing said:
I trust my current partner not to create distance between me and my daughter whatever the outcome. We are simply not the types to use her as a pawn. I would base myself as near as possible and still be bathing and doing the school run.
But can I really just go through the motions with a woman I increasingly find myself loving like a dear friend or relation....
Now you do; but once she finds out you've left her for another woman... But can I really just go through the motions with a woman I increasingly find myself loving like a dear friend or relation....
You won't be doing the bathing (except for every other weekend at best!) and certainly not the school run, unless it shouts her!
Surprised no one has mentioned this yet OP, you need to reinstate date night.
Having a good marriage is hard work. Requires a lot of effort and sacrifice by both parties.
Then add a kid. That requires real effort and dedication, particularly for the first couple of years. Proper, real, hard work.
OP needs to spend the next couple of years suppressing thoughts of exotic and forbidden pudenda and concentrate on being a properly good dad. Then it gets better. Maybe even great.
Then add a kid. That requires real effort and dedication, particularly for the first couple of years. Proper, real, hard work.
OP needs to spend the next couple of years suppressing thoughts of exotic and forbidden pudenda and concentrate on being a properly good dad. Then it gets better. Maybe even great.
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